A/N: So sorry for the long wait! I hope you guys enjoy this one. There were a few rough moments, and I might have been a bit too abrupt, I don't know, you can be the judge of that. One more chapter after this! Reviews are appreciated!

Stan crawled through the ventilation system of the building slowly and carefully. He had quickly split up from Kyle and Kenny when they got inside. They had their mission and he had his.

Stan began to regret his bravery a bit. He had an idea to distract the bears, sure, but he wasn't sure if it would be enough. He hoped he wouldn't have to buy Kyle and Kenny too much time before they could get the hell out of there.

"I will remember you, do da do da do, do," a very familiar voice echoed through the vents. "Will you remember me?"

Stan rolled his eyes. Cartman sure was laying it on thick for those WWF guys down there. He was surprised he hadn't just come right out and yelled at them for being "hippies."

"Don't let your life pass you by!" Cartman wailed. "Weep not for the memories…"

The WWF members below clapped their hands with joy and tossed some more change into Cartman's hat. He was fully in Stan's view at that point.

"Thank you, oh thank you, DP oil appreciates your contributions."

Stan gaped at his fat friend from above.

"W-what?" the effeminate receptionist stuttered. "DP? They were responsible for that oil spill last year! You can't possibly mean that you're sending money to them!"

Cartman kept a straight face. "Oh but I am, you see, a company like that needs more funding to support their endeavors to drill into our precious earth. No one likes sea creatures anyway."

"You should donate that money towards research for cleaner energy resources! By funding DP, you're encouraging fossil fuel consumption, which is melting our ice caps!" One of the other members exclaimed in horror.

Cartman rolled his eyes. "Shut up, you goddamn hippie! Global warming is just a myth! Everyone knows that!"

The man in the pink panda shirt stepped forward defiantly. "You…take…that…back," he growled menacingly.

Cartman crossed his arms and looked away. "How about…no."

Stan stared at Cartman wide-eyed, unsure of what might happen next. He could only predict that those wussy WWF members would call on the muscle of their operation: the fucking polar bears.

"Help! Christian, open a Coke bottle, now!" the guy in the pink shirt shouted at the receptionist.

The receptionist, apparently named Christian, complied. He pulled out an old-fashioned Coke bottle and twisted off the bottle cap. The only sound in the room was the hiss of the carbon dioxide.

Suddenly, the entire building seemed to rumble. Cartman looked uneasy as he stared at the doors directly in front of him, waiting for the bears to emerge. Stan readied himself. It was go time.

He pulled out his iPhone and scrolled through the tracks. He had downloaded one in particular before they came just for this situation.

The bears burst through the doors, startling Cartman. The Coke bear slid in first, snatching up the bottle of Coca-Cola and downing it in one gulp before turning to stare down Cartman. The fat boy raised his hands warily and backed away.

Stan pressed play.

"My heart, won't skip, a beat…" it began. "I never look before I leap…"

The bears turned their heads up to where the sound was coming from.

"Ride, just enjoy the ride, don't need a reason why, everything's all right," Britney Spears intoned through Stan's iPod.

"Buy, buy, buy, buy," it continued, "buy, buy, buy, buy, the joy of Pepsi!"

The bears roared in anger and leapt up towards the ceiling ravenously. Stan yelped and shrank away from the vent. He checked to make sure the song was on repeat before locking his phone and crawling backwards. The bears mindlessly followed the blasphemous song.

Stan smirked. This plan was stupid and crazy enough that it just might work.

Mysterion pulled Kyle through the empty corridors of the WWF headquarters. They looked around wildly for any sign of a weather machine, but nothing looked out of the ordinary.

"Do you really expect to search the entire building for this thing?" Kyle asked.

Mysterion frowned. "I don't think we have much of a choice."

Kyle raised an eyebrow. "I thought you had some sort of plan?"

Mysterion glanced back at him. "I do, but we have to look for that too."

Kyle looked at him worriedly. "What do you mean?"

Mysterion came to a sudden halt. He smirked and pointed straight ahead. "That's what I mean."

The door in front of them had a single feature on it different from the rest: a small sign that read "President."

Kyle and Mysterion looked at each other and nodded. Mysterion took off and Kyle moved towards the door. He turned the handle and walked inside.

The President looked up from his paperwork in surprise, obviously not expecting any visitors. He frowned at the little boy in the green ushanka that had just entered and removed his spectacles.

"Good evening," the President greeted.

Kyle walked up to the desk and leaned against it. "Where is it?"

President looked incredulous. "Where's what?"

Kyle glared at him. "The weather machine!"

President pulled a cigarette out of his drawer and lit it. "Want one?"

Kyle plugged his nose. "Ew, gross! I didn't think nature junkies like you smoked those things anyway."

The President leaned forward and blew smoke into Kyle's face. "My name is Jack, what's yours?"

Kyle sighed. "Kyle, now, can you please just tell me where it is?"

Jack rested his chin on the fist holding the cigarette. "First, let me ask you something, Kyle: did you really think I was in this for nature?"

Kyle looked troubled. "You…you aren't?"

Jack laughed. "Don't be ridiculous. People around the world don't give a damn about shit that matters like the environment, they just pretend like they do and give a little money to non-profit organizations to make them feel like they've done a good deed. I am just one of the few brilliant people that cashes in on that."

Kyle gawked at him in disdain. "That's horrible!"

Jack shrugged. "No one really gives a damn if that money saves a polar bear or a poor otter affected by an oil spill. I am in the business of making people feel better about themselves, what's so bad about that?"

Kyle looked away. "Then why help the polar bears take over the world?"

"Obviously if I help them, they'll make sure I'm properly rewarded," Jack replied. "And because of my organization, I had the resources they needed."

A flash of light caught Kyle's eye, a signal, and he backed towards the door. "Well you're no help, I hope you burn in hell."

Jack shook his head. "You're so naïve, kid."

Kyle's eyes shot daggers at him. "And you're a dick, plain and simple."

Before Jack could retort, Kyle walked out the door and slammed it shut. Jack rolled his eyes and pulled out another cigarette. Before he could light it, however, his head was slammed into his desk.

Colors swam before his eyes as he slowly lifted his head to look at his attacker. Standing in front of his desk was the same masked kid from before.

"How the hell did you escape?" Jack asked incredulously.

Mysterion got right up in his face. "What if I told you I didn't?"

Jack blinked at him, not sure what he was getting at.

Mysterion continued. "What if I told you I shot myself in the head in your lobby?"

Jack shook his head. "That's ridiculous, I would have remembered, and kids don't come back to life."

Mysterion smirked. "I do."

Jack pulled a letter opener out of his desk and pointed it at him. "That's insane!"

"And intelligent polar bears with the desire to take over the world isn't?" Mysterion hissed.

Jack was at a loss for words. He didn't believe what this kid was saying, there was no way it was true, but at the same time he wondered…

"Tell me where that weather machine is," Mysterion growled threateningly, "or I'll light these firecrackers and shove them down your pants. I wonder how much your balls would enjoy that."

Jack put the letter opener back on the desk. "Teaming up with the polar bears was a stupid idea anyway…"

Mysterion waited.

"It's in the basement, okay?" Jack relented. At the sound of him answering the question, Kyle re-entered the room.

Mysterion frowned. "You tied me up in the basement, why didn't I see it before?"

Jack sighed. "There's a door with a passcode lock on it."

"What's the password?" Mysterion inquired.

"Coca-Cola."

Kyle pinched the bridge of his nose. "Jesus Christ…"

Stan screamed as paws clawed at the vents. Britney Spears continued on with the song, egging the bears on. He would be doomed if something didn't happen soon. He squeezed his eyes shut and clutched his iPhone tightly. He really didn't want to be polar bear chow.

"Heh, hey, hey assholes! Come here! Come look at this!" Cartman called out to the polar bears.

They ignored him and continued to desperately try to reach the source of the Pepsi song. With a grunt of dissatisfaction, Cartman whistled, gaining their attention for a split second.

"Look at me! I look so tasty and yummy! Oh, what's this? Is this…Arby's horsey sauce? Mmm…am I…rubbing it on myself? Oh yeah…" Cartman called out to the bears as he rubbed the Arby's sauce on his face.

Stan couldn't see Cartman, but he could definitely hear his voice. He couldn't believe the fat ass was trying to save him.

The bears took off after Cartman through the building. As he went, Cartman threw packets of Arby's horsey sauce at the bears, which snapped them up without a moment's hesitation. Cartman chuckled mischievously.

Stan moved towards the vent and kicked it out before dropping into the lobby. He ran after the bears, trying to entice them away from Cartman, who he knew was a slow runner.

Suddenly, however, Mysterion dropped out of the vents and landed between Cartman and the bears. The bears halted immediately, staring at the masked boy with a strange mix of fear and confusion.

The Coke bear, which had been at the very front, backed away from the small kid, causing all of the other bears to do the same.

Mysterion stared all of the white mammals down. "You…you remember, don't you?"

The Coke bear took another step back in response.

Mysterion stepped forward. "Go back to where you came from, don't come back here, you got that? You know what I am, so you know that I'll never stop coming after you if I have to."

The Coke bear looked around at its comrades uneasily. They all seemed to share his unease. They all abruptly made a rush for the door, and once they reached the lobby, a horrendous sound echoed through the building.

Mysterion breathed a sigh of relief. Stan and Cartman joined him.

"Cartman, you, uh…saved me," Stan said with a hint of surprise in his voice. "You put someone else above yourself."

Cartman shrugged. "You helped me out too, and I'm a bit surprised to be honest, considering you love nature and all."

"There's a difference between loving nature and…" Stan trailed off before pointing at the desk receptionist, Christian. "…That," Stan finished.

"Why, why?!" Christian wept as he wandered into the room, covered in crap. "The gases emanating from all of that feces are tearing away at the ozone layer! Why?"

Cartman laughed. "Fucking hippies…" he shook his head, "all they care about is nature, not taking showers, and Bob Marley."

Mysterion stared at Christian. "Not taking showers…you don't think…?"

Stan shivered. "I'm sure this is a special circumstance…I'm sure of it…"

Cartman shook his head in disgust. "I wouldn't count on it."

Soon enough, Kyle came along, accompanying Jack. Kyle smirked as they joined the rest of the group.

"We did it!" Kyle exclaimed. "We returned the weather to normal!"

Jack sighed. "So, uh, to thank you gentlemen for protecting the integrity of this establishment, why don't I offer you five-thousand dollars?"

The boys gaped at him. "W-what?" Cartman gasped.

Mysterion cleared his throat. "In other words, you're offering us hush money."

Jack shrugged. "If you really want to look at it that way…"

Cartman jumped up and down. "Hell yeah! Fork it over, douche bag!"

Kyle placed a hand on Cartman's shoulder. "Dude, I think Kenny should have it all."

Mysterion's jaw dropped open in shock. "No, Kyle, I couldn't possibly-"

"Oh shut up, Kenny, don't suddenly get all noble on us, especially when it comes to money," Cartman growled as he crossed his arms in resignation. "Whatever, all that matters is that I get my presents."

Stan and Kyle smiled at Mysterion, who looked up at Jack. "I'd like that in cash, if you don't mind."

Jack reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet, muttering to himself.

"Oh, by the way," Stan began, "there's a lot of polar bear shit in your lobby."

Cartman cackled.

Stan shook his head. "Why do you carry Arby's horsey sauce with you?"

Cartman clapped Stan on the back. "I'm always prepared for an emergency, Stan."

A/N: I hope you guys recognized the Pepsi commercial I was referencing with Britney Spears. If not, go look it up, haha. At this point I'm sure you're well aware of how incredibly fitting the name of this chapter is. And yes, I meant "with a Dead Horse" not "like a Dead Horse." Sounded funnier that way to me…