A/N: Hey everybody! Here's another chapter; we hope you enjoy it!

A half an hour later found Ed and Al sitting in the guest room and staring at each other.

"Do you really think Hughes's plan will work?" Ed asked tentatively. He didn't like conspiring with the puppy-snatchers, but if he could actually get Winry to like him...

Al flopped down on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. "It had damned well better work, after what we're letting them get away with."

"Yeah," Ed agreed. "But wasn't the plan he gave us kinda...vague?"

"...Kinda..."

Roy and Hughes sat in the living room where the boys had left them. After several minutes Hughes turned to Roy and confided quietly, "We have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, the boys are obviously desperate if they went along with that farce so easily…"

"What do you say the bad news is?" the Colonel asked. He really had to get home and feed Hawkeye's dog...

"The bad news is, I don't exactly...have a plan for the boys." He turned to look at Roy hopefully, "Do you think they'll notice if I throw something together last minute?"

Roy looked at him blankly, "Y-you're kidding...." he said, dumbfounded, "The brothers could kill us at any second, and you don't even have a plan..."

Roy shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose, "I don't know what to say, you could just give them general advice... giving the girls gifts, etc..."

Maes looked at his friend incredulously, "Gifts? Gifts? You think those boys will let us get away with kidnapping Black Hayate if I tell them to go out and get gifts?!?!"

Maes smacked himself in the forehead. "We're doomed."

"I'd tell you to have Al kidnap the Panda-thing... but Winry didn't bring her dog." Roy said, stroking his chin like a German scientist, "But... perhaps there's something else that Ed could take from her... She's a lot like Riza after all."

Maes gaped at Roy for a moment before surging to his feet. "If you don't stop saying those crazy things this minute, I am going to go up to the boys' room right now to tell them that you have yet to go feed that dog!"

He panted heavily, then started over in a more even tone of voice, "The boys know what we did already. And they know it didn't work. If we just tell them to do the same thing, they will kill us."

"Well, I don't hear you coming up with any ideas," Roy muttered miserably.

He was running out of ideas, it just felt awkward to be giving dating advice. He could practice it, sure... but giving it? He wondered what Havoc would say if he saw him now.

In a stroke of what Maes considered to be sheer, unadulterated brilliance, the intelligence officer turned to Mustang and cried, "Let's call Havoc!"

Roy gawked at his friend.

"Y-you're kidding..." he stammered, "I've stolen every one of that man's girlfriends. What makes you think we should call him?"

God... he hated when Maes was able to get into his head. It never ceased to creep him out.

"Roy..."Maes shook his head, "You may have stolen his girlfriends, but he got all those girls to start off with. And where you have a reputation that proceeds you and a rank of Colonel, he got all those dates on his own merit and as a second Lieutenant."

He gestured grandly in the direction of the phone, "So go give Jean a call."

Roy took the phone off its holder, and turning the dial, he pulled up the numbers to call his Second Lieutenant.

"I can't believe I'm actually doin—Oh, Hey Jean!" he said, his voice changing from absolute, miserable humiliation to nervous enthusiasm in a heartbeat. He could only imagine his subordinate's reaction.

Havoc almost swallowed his cigarette as he realized who was on the other side of the phone. "C-Colonel, um...hello, Sir. Can I...help you?"

Why would the Colonel be calling? If he was trying to shove his extra paperwork off on him and force him to do overtime again...

"I need help... I have a...mission for you..." Roy said. Each second, he was pondering how to word this without sounding like an idiot. The things he did for love...and for not being killed by the infamous 'Alchemist of the People'...

Jean blinked, "A mission?" If it was so important that Mustang had to call him at home... "Is everyone okay? Has someone been hurt?"

Not exactly... but if you find Lt. Colonel Hughes and I dead in an alley somewhere, please notify the military... thanks...

"No, nothing like that... It's more... well... advice..." Roy said, each word fighting against him.

He was putting aside all his pride for this... But he swore, if Havoc laughed at him... there'd be a huge bonfire in the middle of town tonight.

Jean sighed and wiped his eye with a knuckle, "You want me to go out and get some expert's opinion? Whatever it is, Colonel, I'm sure you can do it over the phone." And not bother me, he thought sullenly.

"No, I want your advice, Havoc..." Roy said, as he mentally prepped himself for the whole explanation, "I need...dating advice..."

He closed his eyes, afraid of the reaction.

Havoc went very still... and then slammed the phone down on its cradle.

He wondered away muttering about 'stupid, braggart Colonels' and 'rubbing my face in it' and 'wanna rub his face in—'

Roy looked incredulously at the phone as he heard his subordinate hang up on him. He was frustrated now.

Dialing the number again, he waited for it to ring.

Marching angrily back to the phone he picked up the receiver and demanded, "What?!"

"Dammit! I'm serious! I need your help!" Roy snapped, "Don't make me order you to help me!"

"And why's that?" Havoc spat nastily, "You need help stealing my girlfriend this time?"

"It's for the Elrics..." Roy answered, "We're trying to help them win over their girls."
Besides... I don't need help winning over your girlfriends... that's too easy.

Jean blinked in surprise, "The boss is finally going after that mechanic of his, huh? And Alphonse...that little Xinginian girl?" He grinned, "Why didn't you just say so! I'm up for that."

Roy broke into a smirk, "I'm glad I can count you in..." he said, "I knew I could rely on you." Always the reliable one... I'll remember that when I have the temptation to steal another one of your girlfriends... though I probably won't be doing it for a while...

Havoc lean back on the wall and crossed one ankle over the other. "So what do you need to know about the female psyche? I'm all ears." He was really getting a kick out of this.

"Well... it all started when I wanted to impress Ri-...Lieutenant Hawkeye..." Roy began, swallowing his pride further, "I both disarmed her and drunkenly kidnapped her dog... She must've contacted the Elrics, because the next thing I know, I'm being held down by the throat in Maes's house... the only reason they didn't kill me is because Maes promised them that we'd help them with their own girl issues."

Though Havoc was sorely tempted to say something both witty and ego-crushing, he was unfortunately unable. He was laughing far too hard to get anything remotely comprehensible out.

Several minutes later he finally said, "Good thinking there, with the disarming her."

A vein twitched in Roy's forehead, as he clutched the phone tighter. "Is that the only thing you got out of that?!" he muttered murderously.

"No, no," Havoc assured, "I also picked up on the drunken kidnapping and the death threats made by diminutive teenagers." A pause. "Riza's going to murder you if anything happens to that dog, you know."

Roy paled slightly, "I know, Havoc... I know..." he mumbled, "I don't remember if I fed it... That's why I'm calling you. I have to get out of here and feed Hawkeye's dog before work."

"Ah, okay," Havoc gulped, he didn't want to have to be around Hawkeye if something happened to that dog. "So advice... advice..." He scratched the back of his head, "Did you try telling the bosses to buy 'em gifts?"

Roy looked out blankly, visualizing the Second Lieutenant. "Of course I suggested buying gifts!" Roy muttered, "That was the first thing I could think of!"

"Oh." Figures, Jean thought mutinously. "What about... impressing them somehow. Every girl loves a macho guy." He nodded knowledgeably; everyone knew that, but so many overlooked it when going after a girl... Havoc couldn't figure out why though.

"Hmm... that could work..." Roy said, glancing sideways at Maes.

"Yeah, yeah!" Jean enthused, "Alphonse... Al's got no muscle; not once he got his body back at least..." He flapped a hand wildly, "Not that it's his fault of course! But... maybe he could pump some iron, or at least act a little tougher. Stop it with the kittens.

"As for the boss...Well, he already kicks enough ass to impress any girl, even if he is tiny..." He thought hard, then snapped his fingers as a thought struck him, "Isn't the girl crazy about automail? Girls love common interests too. Tell him to pick up a mechanic manual!"

"Ooh... I like that."Roy said, his eyes gleaming like a hungry wolf's.

He turned to Maes, "Tell Alphonse to start lifting weights and stop with the kittens, and tell Ed to pick up a mechanic's manuel... I think that it'd work perfectly!" he said, suddenly cheerful.

"I'm glad I called you, Second Lieutenant." he said, "Maybe I won't give you a ton of my paperwork today!"

"You had better not!" Havoc screamed into the receiver. He hoped he burst Mustang's eardrum.

Roy had absent-mindedly hung up the phone before he even heard it.

Maes blinked. "Lifting weights? No kittens? A mechanic's manual? That's crazy talk." A grin spread across Hughes's face, "So crazy it just might work! You go feed Black Hayate, I'll tell the boys! We might just survive the week!"

"I'm glad to hear it, Hughes," Roy said, gathering his coat and heading out the door, "I'll see you later at work." He jumped into his car and headed to his home to feed Black Hayate.

Meanwhile, Maes skipped happily up the stairs. He knocked at the boys' door, calling, "Oh boys! If you're ready to leave, I'll drive you to the office! And I know exactly how you can win your girls over!"

The door opened slowly to reveal Edward's form. He leaned back against the door frame, one eyebrow quirked, "And how are we going to do that?"

"Well, it's all about making them see you as someone who would make a good boyfriend. They have to mentally categorize you as 'mate material,' if you know what I mean."

Ed and Al conferred silently.

They didn't.

Al moved closer to the door, "What are you talking about, Lieutenant Colonel?"

"Well, to say it simply: Al, pick up a protein shake and drop the kittens. Ed, grab a mechanic's manual and some blueprint paper."

Riding in the back of the Lieutenant Colonel's car, Ed and Al quietly discussed their new 'plan.'

"I can't believe they want me to give up kittens..." Al said despondently, not even bringing up Hughes's assault on his image insecurities.

"At least they're not trying to turn you into a damned machine freak!" Ed gripped sourly.

"Come'on boys, out of the car," Maes called back over his shoulder. "We're here. I'll drop you off in front and then go park."

Roy rushed home as the dog pawed at his door, waiting for him to go inside. "I know, I know..." he said, "You must be hungry..."

He opened the door and started forward, but as he went to close it the dog ran past his legs, out he door, and down the street. Roy's eyes bulged out of his head, "No! Wait! Come back! I was just about to feed you!"

He closed the door, and ran after the dog, but Hayate disappeared around a corner.
Roy felt himself tear up as he came to a realization...

Hawkeye was going to murder him.

Maes walked cheerily to his office. Everything was right with the world. Black Hayate was going to be fed, the boys were going to be happy, Roy was going to get married, and they were all going to live!

Truly it was a wonderful day!

...At least, that's what Maes thought until he got a feeling. THE feeling, really. The 'I should go get trashed right now so no one can hold me responsible later' feeling.

Maes decided it was going to be a terrible day.

Roy ran after the dog until he was out of breath.

The puppy was gone... Hawkeye was going to kill him when she found out... It was also made clear to the Colonel that he would never fulfill his goals, and that suicide would be a great option at the moment and, after checking his silver pocketwatch, that he was late.

"Maybe if I act casual... things will be okay..." He could only hope.

Roy headed to the office absolutely panicked. He would tell Hughes what happened, and pray that his friend had words of comfort.

Instead of reporting to the Colonel's office as they usually would, the Elric brothers marched straight to the Central library and began researching how to go about implementing the 'plan.' Because, when you were an Elric, nothing started without research.

"Muscle building, muscle building..." Al muttered quietly under his breath, one finger skimming along rows of books.

"Hey, Al," Ed called, "You think I should go for automail or something else like..." He trailed off as he squinted down at a title, "'Rocketry?' What the fuck is 'rocketry'?"

"Hmm..." Al hummed thoughtfully, "If you're trying to impress Winry, I'd go with automail." He turned to face his brother, "You know how she bonds with all those other mechanics in Rush Valley."

Ed nodded, "Good point, Al. Thanks." He carefully went through the shelves and plucked several likely looking tomes. He took his selections and made his way to a table before turning back and calling out, "Why don't you try some studies on patient recovery from muscle atrophy?"

Al blinked, "Oh, good idea!" He called brightly, before hurrying to the proper section and browsing happily.

By the time Roy got to Headquarters, he was breathless and, after bursting through the door of his office, he leaned against his knees to catch his breath.

Hawkeye, of course, was there, looking disappointed and angry at him. "Sir... you're late. Do you have any idea what time it is?"she asked.

Roy nodded, "Yeah... I'm... sorry..." he said in between pants.

"Just get back to work, Sir," she said coldly as she took her place at her own desk.
She didn't have time for this... besides, she was still worried about Black Hayate.

Roy nodded obediently. He'd be a good dog today and listen to her. Besides... he had lost her dog, he could at least not give her a hard time.

If he didn't... he'd probably never make it out alive.

It has often been said that nothing can disrupt an Elric on a research kick.

The large clock above the reference desk ticked steadily on. Ed and Al took out their pens, notebooks, and carefully sharpened pencils and made careful notes.

Tick-tock.

An inconsiderate pair snarled at each other as they marched passed the brothers' reading nook. Ed asked Al to pass a book.

Tick-tock.

Two rows down a librarian caused a scene when her ex-husband came to beg forgiveness for a marital indiscretion. She slapped him and ran off in tears. Al's tongue poked past the corner of his lip as he read a critical case study. Edward flipped a page.

Tick-tock.

There was a small incident wherein several test animals escaped their cages of the lab next door and, in the mad chase, four bookshelves tipped over and one spontaneously caught fire.

Neither Elric could be bothered to notice.

Maes made his slow, hesitant way across Central Complex and into Roy's office. He stood to the side of the door and opened it slowly, so he could get the best possible view of the room before anyone realized he was there or could get him in their sights.

Or at least, that was the plan. What actually happened was the door let out a horrible screeching wail as he opened it, startling him into tripping full into the room and sprawling inelegantly across the floor.

To land at Hawkeye's feet.

He stared up into her cold, hard eyes and laughed weakly. "H-hey, First Lieutenant."

Hawkeye's hand reflexively went to her gun, but she lowered it when the startled feelings passed. "Hello, Lieutenant Colonel." she said, giving a respectful salute, "What can I help you with?"

Roy lit up when he saw Maes and instantly, he went in between Hawkeye and Hughes and forced his friend out the door.

"Ah! Lieutenant Colonel! There you are!" he said with exaggerated, nervous laughter, "I was expecting you! Come! Let's go get some coffee and talk about important military....stuff!"

"Yes! That's exactly why I came! Because we have all that...stuff to talk about." Hughes smiled hugely and backed slowly down the corridor. He knew Hawkeye was watching them—the fact that he couldn't see her meant nothing. She was there.

"So," Maes said in and overly loud voice, "Did you accomplish your mission, Roy?"

"I lost the dog..." Roy mumbled, tears forming in his eyes as he looked at his best friend miserably.

Maes stared blankly for a minute before breaking out in hysterical laughter. Wiping a tear of mirth from his eye, he said, "Oh boy, Roy, I really needed that. You really had me going for a minute there!" He congratulated, clapping Roy on the back.

"Now, how's Hayate?"

"No Hughes... I'm serious." Roy whimpered, "I lost Hawkeye's dog..." His hands and shoulders trembled as he tried to compose himself. She was really going to kill him... he only had to set the execution date by telling her.

"R-Roy...you are kidding, right? Because this joke is really getting old." When Roy's expression failed to flash back to his customary 'I'm so smart-and-I-laugh-at-your-pain' smirk, Maes knew he was serious. "Oh."

With that Hughes's hands shot out and rapped themselves comfortably around his soon-to-be ex-best friend's neck.

"I'm going to kill you now, Roy," Maes informed pleasantly.

"I-it ran out while I was returning to Headquarters... I tried to catch it... but it was too fast... I have no idea where it went..." Roy said, knowing full well that this confession would bring him death...

But to tell the truth, he'd rather Hughes kill him than Hawkeye... It's wrong to see the woman you love laughing as she pulls the trigger to actually kill you.

Maes nodded thoughtfully as his hands constrict more and more with every passing second. Once Roy was dead he could hand the body over to Hawkeye, say Roy alone had stolen the dog, and Maes could live to watch Elysia's first day of elementary school.

TBC.