Disclaimer: The characters aren't mine. This is a not for profit work. Demian belongs to Hermann Hesse.
Author's Note: You don't have to read Demian by Hermann Hesse to really get Naomi and Light's conversation later on. It would be in your best interest to look up "Abraxas" though, as the concept plays a significant part later on. And before you ask no, Abraxas is not the being that is talking to Light. Some of you in the audience might figure it out though.
P.S: The M Rating is a factor in this story. Please be aware.
You consider yourself odd at times, you accuse yourself of taking a road different from most people. You have to unlearn that. Gaze into the fire, into the clouds, and as soon as the inner voices begin to speak surrender to them, don't ask first whether it's permitted or would please your teachers or father, or some god. You will ruin yourself if you do that.
--Pistorius
from Hermann Hesse's "Demian"
Name 06: Inerasable Sin
The mournful landscape in the Shinigami Realm looked like a distorted monochrome hell. The sky was a pale shade of slate grey and the trees (if you can call them that) looked liked they were writhing in pain. The blades of grass on the twisted plain were as sharp as razors and it was colder than the worst winter when the winds blew. The race of beings known as the Shinigami made their home here. Fearsome, considered neither man nor beast, many times they are known as the "Gods of Death" as recorded in human language. They spend most of their eternal lives in an endless stretch of monotonous insanity. To combat this fate many Shinigami travel and live in groups or 'clans' in order to stave off loneliness and insanity. However, spending eternity seeing the same people day in and day out is bound to be nerve-wracking even with the best of comrades. The upside to this is that a closely knit group of friends tend to be very gossipy and try to scrounge for pieces of news, as is the case of a certain clan of Shinigami.
"Seven! I win again."
"Damn it, no wonder nobody wants to play knucklebones with you, you're too rich!"
"I'll take those stylish pilot's goggles from you now."
"Eyaah!"
"Ah, don't be a baby! If you like them so much hang around me 'til 'ya win 'em back!"
"I'm gonna have to!" the blue scaled Shinigami sobbed. Just then a Shinigami with a vulture's face walked over towards the other two.
"Has anyone seen Sir Layabout?"
"If you're talkin about Ryuk he dropped his Death Note upon the Material Plane."
"Man, wasn't that ages ago?"
"Time flows differently between the realms. If he doesn't come back soon I'll go and announce an opening for our clan."
"Aww, don't do that! Ryuk's like our leader or some shit!" the blue scaled Shinigami cried.
"More like our mascot." the Shinigami with the newly won goggles replied. "The dude is totally our clan's strongest member, yet he happens to be the laziest son of a bitch bar none." he complained. Just then a death god all decked out in blue and grey warpaint with a pure white mohawk passed by and chimed in.
"Has anyone noticed that there seems to be a massive amount of aether gathering on the Material Plane?" Aether was the spiritual energy created by souls.
"Are you serious? Where?" The death god with the goggles exclaimed.
"Where Ryuk descended to look for his Death Note."
"Shit, that could be bad. Earthbound types can feed off that energy and become more powerful than they should be. It's like willpower on steroids! Do you think Ryuk would have something to do with this?"
"Why would Ryuk do such a crazy thing? The old man will blow a fuse if he finds out."
"You know, it would be JUST TYPICAL, if Ryuk didn't know a damn thing about it."
"Maybe we should talk to Justin about it and see what he thinks?" the blue scaled Shinigami asked.
"Oh no, you go talk to Justin. That overblown, egotistical, grubby, jewel miser wears me out!" The death god started to wear the goggles now. The white mohawked death god then sighed.
"Has anyone seen either Gelus or Rem lately? I haven't heard a peep out of either of them for so long." At this point a halfway beautiful death god that was shaped like a naked harpy with wings passed by and joined in the circle of conversation.
"Sorry, I haven't seen either of them." the harpy-like death god replied "If you are wondering about Ryuk I got some scathingly outrageous news."
"Oh, like what?" the vulture faced Shinigami replied in a dismissive fashion.
"Last I heard, Ryuk has a human follower that worships him."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"WHAAAAAT?" The other four Shinigami bellowed in pure astonishment.
L's hotel room was hooked up to at least seven different laptops all of which were processing data. The rest of the rooms had piles of boxes which contained evidence and information from the NPA's cold case files. Though strings had to be pulled to get these boxes to the hotel suite, the very surprising lack of reluctance on the NPA's part led L to believe these were not merely 'cold cases' but outright 'X-Files' or things that could not be explained at all. Matsuda and Aizawa carted another dolly of brown boxes up to the hotel room while Raye and Soichiro looked though some files. Watari made a large pot of black coffee for the whole crew while Mogi and Ukita were looking at some computer printouts. L was staring out the window in the afternoon sky, slouched over and tugging at the corner of his mouth with his index finger. Should I ask? Should I wait? I think I'll ask because I want to see him again. Plus, the look on his face would be a once in a lifetime event for him.
"Whew, that's the last of them! At least, the ones they'll let us have for now." Matsuda exclaimed as he wiped the sweat off his forehead.
"I hope you are all not under the impression that we will be doing the entire collection all at one time?" L said with a slight air of haughtiness. Not that I need all of you for something as simple as that.
"I know I won't. You do realize once Naomi is taken care of I'm going back home." Raye said as he put back the file he was reading.
"That's perfectly fine with me, but after that we'll be down one member. Since this is mostly unofficial business anyway I was thinking of getting some outside help."
"Whom did you have in mind?" Aizawa asked. L took a small breath then made his move.
"Yagami-san?"
"Yes?" Soichiro replied slowly. He knew what was going to be asked.
"I've been reading about all of your son's accomplishments and unique talent. Do you think it would be possible to ask him if wants to join in our little investigation?" Chief Yagami gave a long suffering sigh. Raye looked up knowing Light and L met already but decided not to say anything yet.
"He doesn't like to use his power in such a blatant fashion but with the group's personal stories I don't think he'll refuse." He then, as a nervous tell, ran his hand through his hair. "I believe he would be a great asset to not only what we are trying to accomplish here but to find any other underlying spiritual activity."
"Splendid." L said flatly still not turning to face the team. "Go ahead and arrange a meeting for us at his own leisure. Tell him that L wishes to see him."
"Right, I'll try and ask him this evening. Please be aware he's got to study for his college entrance exams very soon so he won't have much available free time."
"I understand. I just wish to talk with him and see his power in action."
"It can be quite...disturbing to say the least."
"Good, I need to be disturbed every so often." I don't Chief Yagami thought aggravated but didn't say that out loud.
It was Monday afternoon and Ryuk never made it back to the Yagami household. Light almost got upset but decided to not stress out over the whole matter. He was going to devote both his time and energy to academic studies and to Naomi and Edward's current situation. He was in his English Class and the atmosphere was damp and suffocating. Everyone was either goofing off or struggling with translation to one of Light's favorite novels, Demian by Hermann Hesse, and Light couldn't stand it. The minutes stretched out from one agonizing moment to another as a bunch of simpletons butchered the text until a cold wind began to blow through the classroom. Papers fell to the floor in a shambles and two students rushed to close the open windows. Light looked up to see both Naomi and Edward standing behind the English teacher. Light nodded quickly and they both vanished. It took both of you long enough. Did you two want to go together or something?
"That was strange. I guess the windy season has arrived." the clueless teacher remarked. Just in time to increase my workload. Oh well, this is what I do. Light thought as he kept to himself for the rest of the school day. After school, Light offered to stay behind and clean the classroom to which the guy whose turn it was to clean up felt grateful. As soon as he was completely alone in the room Light closed all the shades which made the place darker and more intimate.
"We were trying to decide on what to ask you Light-kun." Edward spoke as he and Naomi materialized.
"It took you both a long time. Since a week and a half ago."
"Yeah, we were attempting to come to terms over the whole...ah...not living...thing." Naomi said as she seemingly sat upon Light's desk while crossing her legs. Light had to admit that Naomi looked rather impressive dressed in her black leather jacket. She sat on his desk like she owned the whole classroom.
"I really appreciated that both of you didn't try and talk with me in class."
"That was Misora-san's idea. She figured that all kinds of people must try and talk with you.We agreed it'd be best to talk when you had some free time." Edward said as he took a seat. "So come on and tell us what we need to know. The suspense is...uhhh, not doing nice things for us." Edward finished lamely.
"Probably making us stronger at this rate." Naomi grumbled. Not too far from the truth. Light thought to himself before turning to both of them.
"Both of you are earthbound spirits. Souls that can't cross over to the afterlife. Usually, the process of crossing over is automatic. Once life ends the spirit will recognize that there is nothing left for them on the Material Plane, or our world for a better name, and the path to the afterlife will automatically show itself, like a door." Light explained as Naomi and Edward listened intently. "However if a spirit holds onto strong, negative emotions then those feelings become an anchor that prevents them from leaving this world. Staying in this world for too long will cause the earthbound spirit to be in pain because of the friction between staying in a world not meant for them and resisting the natural course of things." Is that what happened on my roof? Edward thought.
"How do you fit into all of this then?" she asked. Light gave a confidence boosting smile.
"I can see the earthbound and guide them to the other side. When I can identify what's holding the spirit to this world and resolve it, the way to the afterlife will open enabling the spirit to cross. This is called a release." Light spoke in a calm, informative matter. Naomi was already piecing things together. So in order to get released we have to target what's holding us back. Obviously in my case it has something to do with Raye. But what could hold Edward-kun back aside from the unfairness of life cut short? "Sometimes the conditions for a release can be straightforward or they can be complicated. Sometimes the spirit will think the condition is one thing when it's something completely different. Other times it's exactly what the spirit said it is." Light explained.
Edward then piped up. "It's different from person to person because every person is a different person, right?"
"Um...yeah." Light replied a little thrown by the phrasing.
"So, what's holding us back?" Naomi asked.
"I don't know. You have to tell me."said Light.
"We were hoping you could tell us." Edward whined a little. Naomi and Light both sighed noting they were getting nowhere fast.
"Okay, look, it's getting late and I'm sure you need to get going. Why not set up something like a séance for us when you have the chance?"
"Technically speaking we're in a séance right now." Light said as he gathered his books and started to put them in his school bag.
"Oh?"
"A séance is a meeting for the purpose of receiving messages from ghosts or spirits. It can also mean listening to a spirit medium discourse with or relay messages from spirits. This is a one on one meeting between human and spirit but there are stage mediumship séances, leader assisted séances, channeling sessions, spirit board writing...neither of you have any idea what I'm talking about do you?" Light said noticing their blank stares.
"Yeah, but you can walk us through it. An expert can always make things easier for those who don't understand what the problem is." Naomi explained.
"Since Penber-san can see you why not have him and anyone else you want gather at my house and we can have a brainstorming session and an informal séance right there."said Light.
"I suppose I'll have to tell you things only they would know, right?" Naomi said being a quick study. Light grinned in return.
"We have to show proof that you're here talking somehow. Though not in Penber-san's case, of course."
"I could try and juggle again like I did before."Edward said standing up from his chair.
"That would be good but remember this session is to determine what is keeping you from resting in peace."
"That could be a lot of things." Edward spoke with a bit of sadness.
"And we will figure those things out. The important thing is that we got help." Naomi reassured the young boy. She then thought of something "Uh-oh. We may have to get Edward's family involved in this."
"Just my dad. He's the only one that's alive right now."
"That's so sad." Naomi said struck by this little boy's confession.
"It's okay. Papa had to work a lot but I was never lonely or wanting. We are...we were...very happy to have each other."Edward tried not making a face at going past tense.
"I'll have to find a way to get your father to attend this session without me sounding like a crazy person."said Light as he put away his already finished calculus homework he did during his lunch period into the bag.
"I can help with that. Papa has always been a little hard to talk to but now its impossible."
"We'll see" was all Light would answer with. At this time, Naomi noticed Light putting away the book he was studying in English class.
"Ah man, you kids have to study Demian too?" she said a bit surprised.
"Yes. What's wrong with that?" Light wasn't interested in what Naomi had to say about his favorite novel but figured he was in for a earful regardless.
"I couldn't understand the text very well." Naomi admitted. "But as I struggled to read it, in my opinion I thought Emil Sinclair was a rather weak person."Emil Sinclair was the protagonist of Demian. The novel was a story of his life and the people he met on the way.
"Oh, really? Why would you think that?" Light was surprised to hear Naomi feel the same way he did about the main character.
"Just that he seemed wimpy and always bounced from person to person in his life. First off, he wouldn't even stand up to Kromer when he was being blackmailed then he clung to Demian then to Alfons Beck, then to Pistorius only to rebound back to Demian again in the end. Not to mention his over the top obsessions with Beatrice and Eva."
"I can see why you thought of him as a weak man. It always appeared that Sinclair would never stand up for himself and had to rely on other stronger men to lift him from his depression and sadness." Light said to Naomi. At this time Edward went over to the chalk board and started drawing pictures.
"I know! He was practically pining over that Max Demian guy. The whole book just seemed to be a journal of him waiting for Demian to come back into his life." As Naomi kept talking about Sinclair's faults Light formed a plan. While I'm not usually part of the Saturday Café Book Club crowd I think I'll use this as a way to find out what she's really feeling.
"So what did you think of Demian himself then?"
"Oh...' Naomi sighed. She remembered having this type of conversation with her literature teacher, her parents and ultimately even Raye during various points in her former life. 'he was different. He was smart, handsome, a good speaker and little older than Sinclair when they met in school. I know he didn't meet anyone like him before and of course he saved him from that bully Kromer. I think Sinclair really was into him only because his beliefs were radically different from the ones his own parents tried to instill in him."
"I think it was more than just that. I always thought that Sinclair liked Demian not just because his beliefs were different but because Demian was completely at ease with it. You know how sometimes a person will say they believe one thing even though in the back of their mind there was always skepticism?"
"Oh yeah, uh-huh."
"In the time frame when Demian was written and takes place everyone in society had to really conform to one set of beliefs and live a certain way. Those that didn't would be considered outcasts and most would despise those people."
"But isn't that like today?"
"Yes and no. While going against the crowd and believing what you want to believe may still have a stigma attached to it most times people will be able to find like people or just simply live out their lives. This is because there are a lot of people out there that would say 'It's okay, don't be ashamed'." Naomi nodded. "But in the time of Demian any kind of contrary belief, especially religious, was pure blacklist material. So anybody who had a different set of beliefs, even philosophers and artists, would be nervous and strung out just a little bit."
"But not Demian!"
"Exactly. Demian exuded confidence and bearing seemingly because of his radical thought. I mean during the Mark of Cain discussion you could clearly see that."
"Oh, right. The whole Cain is not an evil person argument. I don't know though. Murder is still murder. The whole survival of the fittest thing just seems like an excuse to throw out the sanctity of life tenet."Naomi said as she looked over towards Edward. Sanctity of life. There's a belief that's useless. It prevents us from doing what needs to be done. It lets the filth walk our streets. Makes people believe their more special than they ever had a right to...Light's thoughts tore through his head like a bulldozer. Inside his own mind and heart he despised the rest of the world. He was unrepentant about it. He had yet to find someone, anyone that he could share his life with the way both Naomi and Edward did with their friends and family. He watched as Naomi laughed at the drawings Edward did of the Animal Crossing characters he drew on the chalkboard.
"I'm not really a fan of Animal Crossing, I'm more of Pokémon guy but all the girls at my school like it." Edward explained as he drew Rolf the tiger.
"Really? Last I heard a lot of girls liked Pokémon too." Naomi said as she drew a house and some trees.
"Hee, hee. Yeah, I had some good battles with some girls too." Edward then drew a church complete with a cross and some flowers. He drew a picture of a nun and a priest standing in front. "Misora-san? Light-kun?"
"Yeah."Light said snapping out of his black thoughts.
"The place we must go to." Edward turned to Light. "We'll be happy there...right?"
"Nobody came back to me and complained about it." Light responded slowly.
"Is it because they couldn't?" It took a child to ask a question everyone else feared to voice.
"I hope it's a good place. I will have to go there too someday." Light said. His confidence was a little shaken because he didn't have the answers to the questions he knew that would be asked. Furthermore, they were questions he wanted to know for himself.
"Sounds like this place is neither heaven or hell. I wonder if I'll have to fight the bad guys off with a stick if I'm there?" Edward questioned as he drew little birds on top of the church. That's a very good question, but I was prepared for that one at least. Light thought as he gave his response.
"Nobody on this earth really knows what's on the other side. But I can guarantee for a fact that when I help open the door the spirit always wanted to go through. Of course they were scared, but staying in place lost all of its appeal in the end. When you see the door opened, you'll know." Light was firm in that belief because it was true. All the ghosts and spirits really wanted to cross over when the path opened so they could leave behind their pain and sorrows. Light knew it was a different place than where Ryuk was from but he never asked Ryuk if he'd been there or not or even if he was allowed in that place. Ryuk would probably keep the whole thing as classified information but Light suspected it would be more like an 'official' top secret rather than just Ryuk screwing around just to be contrary (as usual). "It's getting late and I need to get home to study for my entrance exams soon."
"Okay, then." Edward said as he erased the chalkboard. "If it's a place for everyone then I believe we'll be alright. If not, we'll make it better ourselves." Naomi and Light were a bit surprised at this statement considering the amount of suffering Edward felt just a few days ago. It may have simply been the fact that he was talking to other people more now.
"Hey, Edward. You can stay with me until the séance day if that's alright?" Naomi offered.
"Mmm, sure. I'll go to the hotel then."
"Hang out in the lobby first then I'll take you to the room."
"Fine, but I wanted to spy on what everyone else is doing in the rooms first."
"That's not very nice."
"What are they gonna do? Kill me?" with that Edward vanished as a gust of cold wind blew through. Light had a smirk on his face.
"Good luck."
"Thanks." Naomi grumbled. As Light got up to leave she asked one more question about the novel. "Before you go, could you tell me your thoughts about Abraxas?"
"Abraxas? I have a lot of thoughts about him that I wouldn't know where to start."
"I mean, do you think God and the Devil could exist as the same being?"
"If God made everything in creation then I would think he'd have to be the creator of evil too." Light picked up his book bag and left the classroom while Naomi followed. "I think Abraxas is an ideal meant to teach why evil exists in the world even while believing in a righteous God." Light had on his "model student" persona on while he said this. His statement wasn't entirely a lie. He did think that the god Abraxas was a way to teach about good and evil. What Light kept to himself was that he also thought Abraxas could be used as a way to worship and praise evil as part of the totality of the human experience. To accept evil, pain and suffering without having to give up goodness, charity and faith. I'm a bit envious of Abraxas when it comes right down to it. Expected to be the source of great misery and sublime joy both at the same time. I want...Light stopped himself from following that thread further. Yet someday, he knew he wouldn't. He'd let his destructive, profane thoughts and words run free like a waterfall. Or a bloodletting. Someday he'd take his ennui, his source of pain and torment and just...rend every ugly person and thing in his sight. Until the world is how it should be.
"So why not today? You look absolutely magnificent when you want to hurt someone. The cruelty you keep close to your chest, it's a treasure. Drink of it! Fill your mind and senses of it. Let it wash you away. Annihilate all. Because in the end, no one's worthy of you..."
Light snapped to attention immediately as he became aware he was standing outside his school. That voice that rang in his mind unbidden. It was his voice, his emotion, his very being. Yet it was not one of his own thoughts, not even close.
It was something...better. More like himself than he ever was before.
"So are we okay for around Friday night then?"Naomi said while Light's lightning fast mental faculties kicked in.
"Er, yes! I'll explain the situation to my parents and we can use the house on Friday."
"That settles it then. Are you okay?"
"Hmm..oh sure. Even if it was short I never had such a discussion about the greater picture with a spirit before. I should ask, are you okay?"Light politely asked hiding the fact that he sort of ignored her from his classroom to the outside. Not entirely his fault this time though.
"What more can be said? My life is over." Naomi shrugged before she vanished as another cold gust of wind blew on by. Light looked around as there was nobody in sight as he walked towards home.
"Who are you?" he demanded.
"The one you've been waiting for. The reason you were born."
Then dead silence. Light somehow knew whatever it was had left. There was a lot to do before Friday and Light had to get started. It wouldn't be the first time a spirit had stalked him. As he made his way through the crowded streets Light came to the uncomfortable conclusion that this unknown being was telling the truth and that Light somehow was anxious for whatever that overtook him to come back. I'll be here. Waiting.
"I think you're the shit! You're in a foreign country. Don't know any of the language. You're this CEO's plaything with a whole apartment entirely devoted to just for what you both do. And you got a Death Note on top of all that!" Ryuk said as he sprawled above the silk sheets with his hands behind his head on the giant king sized bed in the master bedroom. James was in the bed underneath the covers. The digital clock radio said 3:57 AM. All the lights were out with only the cityscape providing light through the curtains as was the way Ryuk liked it.
"Yeah, I'm a plaything. A real prize." James said a with more than a little self hatred.
"Don't pretend you don't like screwing that old guy that spoils you. If I could do it I would."
"He's not that old, his hair just grayed earlier than most."
"And nearly every person can't keep his hands off him or stare at him. Humans can be strange sometimes." Speaking of strange, James knew that him and Ryuk were in a fake compromising position right now. Fake because humans and Shinigami could not have sexual relations due to the lack of organs on the Shinigami (in spite of Ryuk's tasteless jokes about penises, vaginas and various combinations thereof). James always wondered how new Shinigami were created. He also believed that Ryuk must be lonely since despite having no sexual contact whatsoever they we're both acting post-coital with Ryuk eating another apple. This time savoring it slowly...and Holy Mother of God actually sharing it with another person!! The news break came on and it was broadcast in English as it was an international news break. James took a bite of the apple as the anchor spoke of a murder suicide that happened near a high school overseas. It was supposed to be a prelude to a school massacre complete with a 20 page suicide note and pictures of all the victim's classmates. The story was that one of friends tried to stop him without getting the police involved and that someone found both of them in the backyard of his house, dead. As the sound bites from police, family and community played James turned to Ryuk.
"That was what you wanted, wasn't it?"
"Hmm?"
"You wanted one of the students at Light's school to start a massacre." Ryuk stopped eating. "I'm right, aren't I?"
"What makes you say that?" Ryuk asked coolly.
"Why else would you throw your Death Note down here, and don't pretend it wasn't on purpose. It was written so that it could be used as soon as it was found."
"..."
"You like it when people's lives are destroyed. Not just killed but actually torn to shreds."
"What about it? Am I supposed to feel bad?"
"I'd feel bad if someone tormented you."
"I'll have to write your name in the Death Note someday."
"I'd rather you kill me with your own hands."
"Not allowed."
"Never stopped you before."
"Hyuk, hyuk, that's the truth."
"I just want to know why you like it when people hurt."
"You have to go out there and rip up a few lives in order to understand."
"Really? I thought just holding the Death Note would be enough. My hands and heart are now bloodstained."
"You don't seem too tormented yourself." James only shrugged.
"I can stop this whenever I want. If I relinquish it, it's over. No memories, no evidence to convict with, a blank slate."
"You won't do it."
"Because..."
"Me. The Death Note is just a bonus to you." The music resumed as a j-pop song began to play. Ryuk ate the rest of his apple as he reached for another one. James turned away from Ryuk a little stung but didn't refute his god at all. Ryuk really wanted to break in a full blown cackle but actually kept his cool. As he bit into the fresh apple he was entertaining some daring thoughts. Could I? Maybe? I think I could break this law without breaking it. Hmm, maybe...
Without a second thought Ryuk put his hand under the covers and gave James a deliberate hand job. Almost immediately, James sank down further in the covers and spread his legs out. Three songs later Ryuk's hand was warm and sticky. He lifted it from beneath the covers and began to lick the palm of his hand.
"Master."
"Hyuk, hyuk..yeah?"
"If you want to hurt me. Go ahead."
"Right now?"
"Especially now."
Ryuk had the wildest shit eating grin on as he cracked his knuckles and popped his neck.