Hello loyal readers, reviewers and alertees. I have been seriously ill pretty much ever since I last updated. I am feeling better, but not enough to give you a whole chapter of light-hearted fun without getting delirious (or cynical). I feel bad though- because I said this would be quick- but you know life happens. So it's a compromise- I give you the first Itachi ½ omake. Cue Looney tunes music!
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The Misadventures of Tobi and Deidara : Little Lost Piggy
There just comes a point when every good individual is pushed to their limits. For Tobi, this came at Deidara's 8,437th insult hurled his direction. OK, so maybe he accidentally knocked him into a cursed spring and now his senpai was easily the subject of a state fair freak show- but Tobi had apologized! Then again, Deidara was the king of holding grudges.
So that night as the duo peacefully camped in the wilderness, Tobi decided to expedite their traveling and lessen his growing headache as he would sprinkle just a dab of the stream water onto the sleeping blonde to transform him into his much less loquacious piglet state. Now, Tobi was a good boy, but this certainly didn't make him bad. He was just trying to get them to Konoha faster- at worst this just made him a morally ambiguous boy!
However, when Deidara woke up to find himself inside of Tobi's traveling pack, he was pretty sure the masked man could shove his morally ambiguous bullshit up his mask and let him free. Tobi's ears were greeted with loud piggy shrieks and kicks.
"Deidara senpai, please stop squirmng! Tobi will let you out if you promise to be good!" His knapsack suddenly became very still. Maybe there was hope after all. He warily opened the bag taking in the pig in with his good eye. It was too bad only using one eye really screws up depth perception because Tobi would've noticed how close Deidara's hooves were to his face. Big mistake.
"AH!" Suddenly Tobi regretted opening the bag at all as Deidara made a good point to piggy-chop Tobi's exposed eye. Through the howls and shrieks Deidara squirmed his way out of the bag.
"Gah, senpai, wait no!" But Tobi's cries were met by Deidara's retreating backside as he dashed away from Tobi towards the nearest signs of civilization and most of all help.
"No! Now Tobi will never make it to Konoha on time! Come back here!"
Deidara could care less about Tobi's plight, he was to busy scurrying into town. Little did he know, this was yet another large mistake as people generally don't react well to pigs wandering their streets. So Deidara really should've noticed the sirens instead of just hunting for food.
"ANIMAL CONTROL! FREEZE." Well, that got his attention along with the net the suited man was brandishing in his direction.
Squee. Translation: I will after I eat.
"The pig is resisting arrest," his antagonist said into a handheld device, "I will proceed with caution."
Squee squeakim squee. Translation: Suit yourself.
The man proceeded to swipe at Deidara with a net and was shocked at the pig's stunning ability to do series of back flips in order to dodge.
"Control center modify the report- a ninja pig is on the loose. All units proceed to quadrant four."
Squee! Translation: Oh shit.
Tobi, however, found himself on a different side of town wondering what kind of awful, horrid things could've happened to Deidara. Leader would kill him for this- and he had only just joined! His illustrious, villainous career cut short and he'd only just entered the mailroom of evil. How cruel life is, how…is that…bacon?
Tobi meandered towards the ever potent smell of bacon grease to find himself standing in front of a rather large BBQ establishment. Wasn't it…a bit late in the day for bacon? He had a bad feeling about this.
"Uh excuse me, sir? Tobi is wondering why there is bacon being cooked at 1 in the afternoon?" He was greeted with a curious stare by the cook.
"What's it to you?"
"Tobi is curious. Tobi wonders why you aren't barbequing."
"Well, we got a runt of a pig late this morning- wasn't good for much besides bacon."
A lurch went through Tobi's stomach.
"A-a runt?"
"Yeah, tiny little thing ran through the edge of the forest."
No, no, no, no! Deidara couldn't die like this. This wasn't even an inferno of explosive glory! Actually…well if you thought about it. You know what, never mind.
"I'll take all of your bacon!" Tobi didn't leave time for questions and just snatched everything off the tray and proceeded to as empty a section of town he could find. He placed the strips of bacon as reverently as he could muster on the pavement.
"Dearest senpai," he wiped a tear from his eye, "Tobi is gathered here today to mourn the loss of you. Sometimes…you hated Tobi, and the other half of the time you still hated Tobi. But Tobi never hated you!" The masked man then began to sob incoherently, which seriously was worrying the innocent people passing him by.
Sqeeeee!!
Oh, he was even hallucinating Deidara's piggy squeals now…
"STOP THAT PIG! AND I WANT THAT MONOCLE!"
and the angry mob chasing the aforementioned squealer. Wait a second…what?
Deidara meanwhile had successfully managed to get almost all the animal control officers on his tail. Screeching to a halt in his hooved tracks, he decided to deal with these guys the old fashion way. The tiny mouths on his feet set to work making lovely little explosives. It was too bad Deidara couldn't quite figure out how to throw them. He settled for leaving one in the middle of the street and going to hide behind something large black and orange.
Kai! Translation: Oh come on, somethings are the same in pig!
The animal control officers suddenly found themselves greeted to a firecracker display.
"Ooooh, aaaaah!" A small wave of applause went through the crowd of pursuers.
Squeekim! Translation: What the heck happened to my C4!
And hey, was the thing he was hiding behind moving.
"S-senpai?"
Oh, hell.
"I found you!!" Tobi said clutching Deidara to his chest happily. "I thought you were bacon!"
Squee! Translation: Unhand me you foul demon!
The chief animal control officer approached the joyous Tobi while glaring at his small charge.
"Sir, is that your pig."
"Yes- this is Tobi's friend!"
"There are laws. You keep your pets on a leash, you hear? Big careful, that thing is very dangerous."
"Oh Tobi knows. But, Tobi lost him, it will never happen again!"
Deidara felt himself die a little inside.
"Oh and," the officer produced a slip of paper from his pocket, "this is the approximate bill for our labor."
Tobi gladly excepted the receipt and…20,000 yen?!
Now would be a good time to ask if the Akatsuki benefits covered tabs or maybe they really could consider just getting Deidara a leash.
End
Squee squee squee: No animals were harmed in the making of this film.
Squeakim: Except maybe Deidara's dignity.
Hope you enjoyed. I'll get the real chapter out when everything is more back to normal on my end. Sorry about the delay. Do R&R.