Disclaimer: Not owning Death Note

5 – The Hierophant

Ryuzaki was unlike anyone Light had ever known.

To the other team members, and now Light, this was an obvious finding. Some of the differences were easily discerned. The detective looked and acted unusually. It was in the way he moved, how he sat, and the peculiar way he handled things. Light still couldn't identify the reason for picking items up in that delicate, two-fingered manner. Then, there was the way he dressed. It was always the same jeans and white shirt. He eschewed shoes and wore them, grudgingly, only when necessary. Light remembered how Ryuzaki had presented himself during the entrance exams, and the opening ceremony at To-Oh.

It had caused quite a stir, in both cases.

During the exam, the detective had been admonished by the supervising teacher for sitting improperly; with his bare feet upon the desk. Then, for the opening ceremony, he had attended wearing untied shoes and no socks. He had been garbed in his standard attire. He looked, well, sloppy. In contrast, Light had worn a suit. In all social occasions, he made it a point to be conscientious about his looks. He was aware that appearance, particularly first appearances, meant a lot. Ryuzaki was intelligent and thoroughly versed on any number of subjects. He must have known how important it is to present oneself in a satisfactory way. If he knew, and still looked and acted the way he did; it meant he didn't care. This was a difficult concept for Light to comprehend. He did care what other people thought of him, perhaps too much.

He recalled some of the comments he had heard from the other team members, when it came to Ryuzaki.

"Well, that's just the way he is."

"He does things his own way."

"Even if we don't like it, he won't change."

When Light first saw Ryuzaki, he had noticed the contrasts between them; especially the surface ones. Later, there was one similarity that came to his attention. It resonated strongly, making the dissimilarities inconsequential. Giving the freshman address with him had been the catalyst. For another to be up there with him, it meant he had attained an equivalent score to Light on the entrance exams.

Intrigued.

That was the correct word for how he felt then. It was the first time someone had really interested Light. Of course, any notion of getting to know him had been banished almost instantaneously. Ryuzaki did not accuse him of being Kira immediately, but there was something strange in the way he spoke to Light. It had been as if he was testing him, trying to get a reaction. Later, it all came together when he came right out with it. He suspected Light of being Kira.

He still did. Light was not Kira. He knew he wasn't. It was possible that Kira could control people, and later remove their memories, but it didn't change his certainty. Still, the detective wouldn't take this into account. Soichiro, Aizawa, and Matsuda believed in his innocence. If a person was alone in their opinion, with no one else in accordance; wouldn't a normal reaction be to re-think their reasoning? Ryuzaki had borne the brunt of the team's and Light's anger about this issue. Didn't this concern him? Shouldn't it? The idea of Ryuzaki steadfastly asserting his conclusions, regardless of what anyone else thought, was alien to Light. There was one other person who possibly agreed with the detective.

Light was not very familiar with Watari. He was L's assistant, and served as an intermediary for him. About an hour ago, Watari had contacted Light remotely. They spoke about the program and the requirement for access to police information. Light had made his presentation, logically and concisely, and succeeded in securing his cooperation. However, before going ahead, Watari felt it necessary to run things by Ryuzaki. The conversation between the two had been public.

"Ryuzaki, what do you think of this? Shall I go ahead and assist Yagami-kun?"

Just as Light expected, the detective didn't answer. After all, the program directly related to the Kira investigation. There had been a sound of exasperation from Watari.

"How long are you going to continue this behavior? I've kept my counsel until now, but this is unacceptable. It's not the first time you've acted like this and I know you have your reasons. However, it's past the time when you should have recovered. You have a job to do, young man! I suggest you remember that."

Ryuzaki's eyes narrowed.

"It's fine, Watari. Do what Light-kun asks."

"I will. Now, are you going to re-join the investigation and stop this foolishness?"

"No."

"That is enough! It's time for you to…"

"I refuse!"

Light couldn't help but jump when Ryuzaki suddenly moved. He quickly rose from his chair, reached across Light, and cut the connection.

In the ensuing silence, everyone stared at the detective. When the icon began blinking on his monitor, Light reluctantly tore his gaze away. This was an element of Ryuzaki that he had never come across before. It was one thing to understand that he could be childish, it was quite another to see it in action. Light belatedly remembered to shut his mouth. It had dropped open in shock.

He realized the source of the flashing light, and turned to the detective.

"It's Watari, Ryuzaki."

He turned his back to Light, shrugging his shoulders.

"Do you want to talk to him? I mean, shouldn't you talk to him?"

"No."

"But…"

Light didn't have the opportunity to finish his sentence. That was because the detective suddenly got up. There was no choice but to follow. Ryuzaki may have looked frail but, as Light was pulled from his seat, it was either go willingly or be dragged. Ryuzaki was deceptively strong or else he was just really, really angry. Maybe both.

They ended up on the roof. The elevator ride up had been tense. Ryuzaki had remained turned away from Light, making it clear that he would not condone any protests or questioning.

It was mid-afternoon, and the sun was shining. It had been some time since Light was outdoors. It would have been more enjoyable if he wasn't feeling so apprehensive and confused. He watched Ryuzaki.

The detective, upon reaching their destination, had gone to the spot furthest away from the door. Once there, he sat with his back against the wall. His legs were tucked tightly to his chest, arms wrapped completely around them. He did not look at Light, instead burying his face in his knees. Light had never seen him so closed in on himself. It was apparent that any effort to converse would be summarily ignored.

There was nothing to do but make himself comfortable, and wait it out.

He half-expected Watari to come barreling through the door. He had seemed livid. If Light was Ryuzaki, he wouldn't have had the nerve to dismiss Watari like that. Recalling his own experiences of being reprimanded, it was evident how much he differed from the detective. When his mother would scold him, he would listen quietly. It was the same for his father. Light always gave in. It wasn't often that he was rebuked by anyone else. He had always known what to say, and how to act, in order to avoid that kind of negative attention. That's why it was so disconcerting to see Ryuzaki. Not only did he make no effort to gain the approval of those around him, he refused to accept any criticism. In the warm sunshine, Light quietly turned this over in his mind.

Why was the detective able to withstand disapproval? Wasn't it easier to accede to it? This was greatly perplexing him, but his thoughts were halted by a distressing suspicion. Should Ryuzaki look at him now, Light was sure his expression would give his uncertainty away. He laid back, arm covering his eyes. Feeling a little more secure, he returned to his inner searching.

Ryuzaki did what he wanted, wore what he wished, and thought as he liked. This, invariably, caused a negative reaction from those around him. Light remembered the whispers of ridicule at the opening ceremony. They were centered on the detective's attire. From the collected students, there was the nasty speculation that he was poor. This led to the label of being an unaware idiot. There was more, and Light had been aghast at the malice. Still, it was true that he also was bewildered by the person beside him on the stage. Who comes to an important ceremony dressed in such a disheveled way? If Light was Ryuzaki, he would have been humiliated. However, when he looked from the corner of his eye, Ryuzaki had been unperturbed. It all just rolled right off him. He kept giving the opening address as if nothing touched him. There was another example which aptly illustrated that imperviousness.

Ryuzaki had taken some drastic initiatives in the Kira investigation. Light was sure the other team members had emphatically disagreed with his more devious maneuvers. Those plans had gone ahead anyway. Light was personally aware of this since many involved him.

Light had recently voiced his displeasure regarding that. By pinning Ryuzaki down, he had assertively made his feelings known. It had been obvious that Ryuzaki was alarmed and uncomfortable. Despite that, he had not apologized. In no way had he tried to explain himself or make amends to Light. Ryuzaki would tolerate an aggressive invasion of his personal space rather than retract and regret his opinions and actions.

Light realized this was very in keeping with his character. It was unfamiliar to him, personally, but…

'I don't hate it.'

The unbidden thought was startling, and there was more.

'I don't hate him either. My initial impression was right. He is intriguing.'

Any other person might have been satisfied with that, but Light was not just any other person. He took the new direction his mind had turned in, and ran with it.

'He…attracted me. He still does.'

The afternoon had worn on, dimming the area around him. Light was unaware of the environment though. He was focused on what he had just consciously admitted. He was intrigued by Ryuzaki. Intrigued was another way of saying attracted. Even while accepting this truth, he was trying to find justification to reject it.

They were too dissimilar. Wasn't intellect the only thing they had in common? The detective was unscrupulous, hard-headed, and difficult. He constantly did things as he saw fit, uncaring of who he offended. Light wasn't like that. He was honest, agreeable, and always sought to create the least amount of problems around him. When Ryuzaki wasn't being arrogant and calculating, he was withdrawn and uncooperative. He was cold, disruptive, and…

'He listened to me. He understood what it felt like to be unseen.'

That's when everything he had desired from Ryuzaki, all along, impacted Light. He wanted the detective to see him, to believe in him, and to work with him on the investigation. Ryuzaki was around him constantly, but it wasn't enough. Light wanted Ryuzaki to be with him not just physically, but mentally and emotionally too. That's why his silence had troubled Light so much. It was also why the rare times they connected had been so meaningful.

At one time, he had been unable to find anything likeable in Ryuzaki. He recalled feeling almost constantly infuriated with him. It was still unclear what exactly had caused that distaste. The easy answer was that Ryuzaki suspected him of being Kira, and had used devious tactics against him. However, the same was true now, and Light did not view him in that harsh way. Instead, he found himself drawn to him. Since they were bound together, his thoughts had become occupied with Ryuzaki on a regular basis. Perhaps that was why Light was only now seeing how unique he was.

Light did not like where this was leading.

It was credible to wish for friendship with Ryuzaki. That may be incomprehensible to others, but Light could see the good qualities in him along with the bad. Therefore, he was willing to pursue that kind of relationship. Light's feelings towards him were so intense though. Sometimes it seemed like he had been on an emotional rollercoaster ever since Ryuzaki first appeared before him. Light had never met anyone who could make him so angry, confused, awkward, and insulted. Reluctantly, he conceded that he also never met anyone who made him so calm, excited, happy, and warm. He recalled the simple pleasure he received every time Ryuzaki accepted the daily dessert. When he listened to him about his mother, Light felt peaceful in a way he never had before. The prediction that there would be more moments like this made him happy. He looked forward to getting closer to Ryuzaki, little by little.

It's just that he was aware of the presence of something else too. It was when he looked at Ryuzaki and noticed his skin. It was very pale and looked soft. Or his hair. He imagined it would feel smooth. His hands appeared fine-boned and graceful. Light would have enjoyed tracing them with his fingers. When he saw Ryuzaki huddled protectively, he wanted to embrace him; and for him to welcome it. Previously, when Light held him down, it had been due to losing his temper. Underneath all that chaotic energy though, was that something else. His bare chest had been so near to Ryuzaki's. If he had moved closer…the desire had been there and it excited him. These were the inclinations he had absolutely refused to acknowledge until now. Perhaps, through analyzing the detective's unorthodoxy, his own unconventionality had risen to the surface.

Light came back to himself. Through sheer will, he halted the disturbing direction his thoughts had gone in. He was honest enough to admit that his feelings were beyond what constituted friendship. However, it was not agreeable to feel that way. He had no illusions about the society he lived in. Homosexuality wasn't considered a sin in Japan, but it didn't mean it was accepted either. In some respects, it had become a more tolerated lifestyle. There was more openness about it in larger cities, compared to the country side. Light lived in such a city. In his opinion though, there was a large contrast between being accepted and being tolerated.

There were no laws against homosexuality, and there were legal protections to prevent discrimination based on sexual identity. That meant prejudice did exist. After all, why pass policies to prevent unfair practices if they didn't occur? Even with those rules, he would estimate that unjust attitudes did prevail; behind closed doors. You could tell a person they didn't get a job, or a promotion, for any reason that was feasible. Only a fool would honestly say it was because the applicant was gay. There was likely a minority who did believe sexual orientation was irrelevant, but it was the majority who held sway. The proof of this was that Japan's civil rights code did not contain any statutes extending equal rights to homosexual people.

Light had never had the provocation to think deeply on this subject. He knew about the legal aspect because he was a learned person. Anything he was taught or studied, regarding law and human rights, had been filed away for future reference. It was pertinent, especially given his career choice. He wasn't aware of how it was in other countries. Maybe that was something to look into.

He sighed deeply.

What was the point in learning how other nations handled this issue? It wouldn't change where he lived or what he experienced in his daily life. He wasn't even sure he was gay. After all, he had formerly been interested in girls and dated many. Light had also been intimate with a few of them. Thinking back on that confused him. He had gone on a dating spree in the last year. However, since being confined, he had not made contact with any of the women he had been seeing. He wasn't interested. Was that because of all the tumult he had been undergoing? The investigation? Ryuzaki? Or had he just never really been attached to any of them in the first place? He didn't see himself as a shallow man but…this line of thought was distracting him. He needed to come to a conclusion about Ryuzaki.

Light did feel attracted to Ryuzaki, and wanted to get to know him better. It was unclear where the deeper feelings came from. He could acknowledge that they existed, but was unwilling to act on them. The thought of doing so made him anxious and uncomfortable. It was not that he agreed with prejudicial attitudes towards same-sex relationships. Truthfully, he thought it was unethical to judge another person on that basis. He had an open mind, but all that meant was he was part of the aforementioned minority. Light did not want to be in that position. There was a lot he wanted to accomplish in the future. He was uninterested in giving himself a handicap just as he was starting out.

And what of Ryuzaki?

The sun had almost disappeared from the sky. He tilted his head to look over at him in the fading light.

He sat in the same position, face still hidden in his knees. He was a paradox. Bold and introverted, aggressive and passive, remote and child-like; the man was all those things. His very nature made it almost impossible to form a bond with him. Trying to build a relationship with such a person would be problematic. If he was even interested, which was unlikely. Ryuzaki seemed to accept isolation. The present circumstances were an exception. Undoubtedly, he would return to his solitary ways as soon as they apprehended Kira. His aloneness was possibly a preference, and it certainly was a defense. Ryuzaki gave no sign of having a need to be close to anyone. It was just like at the commencement address, no one seemed to touch him.

It was with a rueful smile that Light perceived the connection. Until he met Ryuzaki, he had been the same way. There was a difference, of course. His concern for how other people viewed him had always been prominent, unlike the detective. However, just like with the girls he had been seeing, Light wasn't really interested in the people giving those opinions. It was about him, not them. Maybe that was why he only now saw the unusual qualities in Ryuzaki, the ones which were evident to everyone else from the beginning. Quite simply, he had never bothered to really look.

Light had come full circle in that matter.

The amount of time and effort he put into Ryuzaki was unfamiliar to him. Apathy and disinterest had been replaced by action and involvement. It was only with Ryuzaki that he truly cared, on more than one level. Yet for reasons he was unwilling to examine closely, Light downplayed this revelation in his own mind. The painful clenching in his chest served as a warning to stop that train of thought. Instead, he brought his attention back to the present.

It must have been hours since they came to the roof. Light's button-down shirt had become restrictive and irritating. He still insisted on dressing impeccably even though all his time was spent in this building. He thought again of Ryuzaki, wearing his same outfit day after day. It looked comfortable. Maybe that was something he could do too. He decided to ask his father to bring some of his more casual clothes from home. Appearance was important, but perhaps his personal comfort was also worth consideration. He certainly knew where the detective stood on that debate. If he could do it, why shouldn't Light?

When he sat up, Light's stomach rumbled demandingly. Breakfast had been a long time ago. Ryuzaki probably needed to eat too. With a rush of inner relief, he identified that kind of concern as acceptable. It was what a friend felt for another friend. He vowed he would continue in his efforts to befriend Ryuzaki. Any other desires would, and should, be suppressed. They would lead to a place he didn't want to go, with a person who would probably flatly reject him. It was better this way.

He stood and cautiously approached the still detective.

"Ryuzaki?"

He lifted his head and looked at Light blankly.

"Are you okay? It's getting dark and I'm hungry. I'm sure you are too. Let's go back, all right? I'll make you a hot chocolate and you can have the dessert you didn't eat earlier."

An emotion entered Ryuzaki's eyes. If Light had to label it, he would have said there was softness there; and an inexplicable sadness. Without thinking, he knelt in front of him and placed his hands on his arms. Firmly, but gently, he pulled him to his feet. Wrapping an arm around his waist, he steered him towards the door leading back inside.

"Come on, once you eat something you'll feel better, you'll see."

To Light's surprise, this contact was allowed. He kept his arm around Ryuzaki as they traveled towards the kitchen. Perhaps the disagreement with Watari had a deeper effect than Light had anticipated. Or it could be something else entirely. He honestly didn't know. There was so much he didn't know about him. He was curious about Ryuzaki, and that feeling was also a first for him. He realized there was one thing he could declare with surety.

It was unprecedented to be allowed this much physical closeness with the aloof detective. Light couldn't help feeling a tiny bit thrilled at this development. It was warm, comfortable, and incredibly arousing all at the same time: Ryuzaki's side against his side, Light's arm pressed against his back, and his hand lightly gripping his hip. However, he didn't allow himself to dwell on how good it felt to hold him closely. It wasn't about that. It was about being there for his friend.

After all, what were friends for?

Tbc

Author's notes:

5 - The Hierophant

spiritual growth, the average person is happiest following worldly pursuits - money, family, and politics – however, there are certain people who (by temperament) feel very directly the spirit that runs through all our lives, a firm tradition, orthodoxy, conformity to society's ideas and codes of behavior - as well as (more subtly) a surrender of responsibility - the Emperor symbolized the rules themselves and their official enforcers - the Hierophant indicates a person's own inner sense of obedience, moral development, seriousness, the adoption of a social mask, the search for spiritual truth, the search for meaning

The Fool, coming from the natural world (the Empress) and society (the Emperor), enters the Hierophant. The Hierophant indicates the intellectual tradition of society, and his education in that tradition; as well as spiritual growth and direction. To really discover the divine within, the Fool must undergo some difficult confrontations with himself. Similarly, to decide what is the moral thing to do in all situations might require a constant agony of choice.