Disclaimer: I don't own kfp or hangover.
Inside the pagoda of meditation, twenty four small children sat silently in lotus positions on the cool wooden floor, their bamboo staffs discarded to the sides. Behind the small children sat three men who looked like they were straining on the toilet rather than meditating. In the little gap between the children and the men, a baby loris sat with his head bowed, his little hands clasped in front of him like he was praying.
"This is a waste of time." Monkey whispered, his eyes still shut. "I don't remember a gosh-darn thing. Crane, what about you?"
It was a few seconds before Crane answered.
"I don't remember anything either." He muttered. "Mantis what about you?"
There was no answer.
"Mantis?" Monkey asked.
When Mantis still didn't answer, his friends opened their eyes and turned their heads.
Mantis was sitting stock still, his eyes shut, his mouth half open.
"Mantis?"
"MANTIS!"
A tiny ten year old Mantis heard Crane's yell.
"Huh?"
"GET YOU MINIATURE BUTT IN HERE RIGHT NOW!"
Mantis followed the sound of Crane's furious voice. Inside Mantis's own room, he found a hatchling Crane, a dumpling shaped cub Po and a thin looking child Monkey looking annoyed.
"Wassup?" little Mantis asked.
"Explain this!"
Crane picked up a box full of pictures.
"It's just of box of private stuff!" Mantis said.
"Oh really?" Po asked.
Crane removed the lid to reveal a large pile of small paintings.
"I thought we told you to burn these after we looked at them! This is a total violation of trust!"
"Master Shifu does know where we're going, right?" An adorable cub Tigress asked as the six warrior kids walked through the streets of Gongmen City.
"It's alright." little Mantis looked up from the city map he was holding. "I told him we were going to have a look at this kung fu academy before the opening."
"You lied to him?" Tigress's large eyes widened.
"Yeah."
Tigress growled.
"Hey, everybody. Here's some fun facts. The population of Gongmen City is forty-thousand people. It's twice the size of Anyang. Its chief exports are fireworks, rice and kites. Each year, approximately four hundred people are killed in fireworks accidents in Gongmen City. The climate in Gongmen…"
"Mantis! Why don't you skip to the last paper?"
"Oh, okay then. Not one of you know Po like I do! Not you! Not you! Not you! Not you! Not nobody knows Po like I do! No one! I can't even tell you what we've been through, because we made a pact more important than blood! What I can tell you is this: Po is not the simple-minded greedy guts you probably think him to be. There was this time last year when I found him in his room with…"
Cub Po bodily launched himself across the table.
"Guh!"
Young Tigress suddenly clutched her side.
"Tigress, are you all right?" Cub Po rushed round the table over to her.
"I'm fine, it's this stupid wound!" Tigress answered through gritted teeth.
"We should get you back." A tiny Viper the width and length of child Monkey's tail slithered across the table. "You'll be worse if those stitches burst."
"There you are!"
Hatchling Crane, child Monkey and little Mantis jumped as old Master Shifu suddenly appeared behind them.
"How did you find us?" Monkey asked.
"I found out from Po when he returned with Viper and Tigress. May I ask what you're doing here?"
"Attending the opening of this tavern!" Mantis said. "You're not gonna drag us back, are you?"
"After what happened last year, I think I might."
"Aw come on! Just let us have one more drink! Why don't you join us?"
"I don't think so."
"Come on!" Mantis grabbed a second bottle and handed it to Shifu. "Just one cup!"
Inside a hot kung fu storage room, little Mantis tumbled out of the hammock and staggered up to child Monkey.
"Monkey… I think it's happened again."
Little Mantis and child Monkey stared at hatchling Crane as he slowly emerged from the hammock.
"Oh gosh… Mantis… your head…"
"No… your head…"
"He's bald!"
"Crane, you're gonna freak out… but it's gonna be okay…"
"What? Is it my feathers?"
"Sort of… you'd better look in the mirror over there…"
"Oh my gawd!"
"Are you guys ready for the craziest freaking story ever…"
"Fung? Fung? Can you hear me?" Damn, he's dead!"
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!"
"Fung, you wanna party with us?"
"Well..." Baby Fung rubbed his chin. "Okay! Let's go on my boat!"
"Promise you won't steal anything, and we'll promise not to kick your butt."
"Alright, deal."
Inside the Wing Tavern, child Monkey lost his drink when a large boar bumped his shoulder too hard for it to be an accident.
"Oi!" Monkey yelled. "Why don't you pick on someone your own size!"
"Get lost, primate!" The boar yelled.
"You get lost!"
"Hey, easy!" baby Fung yelled.
"No!" Monkey socked the boar.
"Why you…" The boar tackled Monkey in a bear hug.
"Get him, Monkey!" Shifu screamed, waving his fists in the air and dancing on top of Yao's box along with little Mantis. He twirled his green cloak in a fat circle above his head and swung his hips to the side.
Monkey and the boar rolled around on the ground as hatchling Crane lay passed out on the bar.
"Stop thief!"
A middle aged goose screamed in anger as hatchling Crane sprinted down the street, a mop and knife in his beak and his wings laden with bottles of dye. Shifu and child Monkey ran alongside him with the packages containing their costumes. Little Mantis, meanwhile carried a tub of glue, while baby Fung dragged Master Yao's meditation box behind him.
They ducked into a small alleyway.
"Did we lose her?" hatchling Crane asked.
"Yeah!" Said Monkey.
"Hey, Monkey." Little Mantis spoke up. "Can I borrow your fur?"
Now dressed in their respective costumes, the kids and Shifu approached the large building where the sounds of children laughing and playing sounded inside…
Mantis opened his eyes, taking Monkey and Crane by surprise.
"I know where to go."
"Are you sure this is the place?" Crane asked.
"Yes, I'm positive." Mantis replied.
The trio (and baby loris) were now standing in front of a large building named Lijiang Orphanage. It was tall and circular, very similar to the Bao Gu Orphanage where Tigress grew up in.
"Why would we go here of all places?" Monkey looked at the insect.
"I'm not sure." Said Mantis. "All I know is that we definitely came here… in costume."
"Costume?" Crane gasped. He looked down at his dyed body.
"Alright, let's go in."
The trio stepped into the circular courtyard.
It looked as though there had been a recent party. Bits of food were scattered all over the floor, and the remains of a buffet table stood at one side of the courtyard. An enormous pyramid of peace juice cups the width and height of a full grown Asian elephant stood in the centre of the room. An elderly sheep was sweeping across the courtyard.
"Hello, there." Monkey was the first to step forward. "Are you the matron?"
"I am." The sheep stopped her sweeping and turned to the trio. "Oh, it's you!"
To their astonishment, the sheep was smiling.
"The children will be so happy to know you've returned!" She went on.
"They will?" Crane blinked.
"I'm sorry, but we can't really remember anything that happened last night." Said Monkey. "Could you tell us what we did here?"
"Oh yes." The sheep sat down on one of the tables. "You see, the children were so disappointed when the Adoption Day a couple of days ago had to be cancelled because of a thunderstorm. So we organized this little party to lift their spirits. Early into the revelry, you three, plus a crocodile and a red panda older than me, gate crashed the party in these crazy costumes!"
"We did?" Mantis gaped.
"Oh gosh, we are so sorry!" Monkey groaned.
"Oh no, don't be." The sheep raised a hand. "You may have been utterly drunk, but you weren't a bother at all. In fact, the children absolutely loved you!"
"Really?" Crane stared. "We didn't cause any trouble?"
"No, all you did was provide the entertainment! You in particular…" The sheep looked at Crane. "did these delightful impersonations of someone named Master Shifu, and built that pyramid there!"
Mantis hopped up to the bottom of the pyramid of cups.
"Whoa… there must be a gazillion cups in there…" He tapped one of the corner cups…
And the entire pyramid came crashing down.
Monkey, Crane and the sheep leapt onto the sprawled out chairs as hundreds and thousands of wooden cups cascaded in an avalanche across the ground, completely covering the stone paving in under a foot of cups. Several seconds after the avalanche, the baby loris leapt down from Monkey's shoulder and stuck his little hand into the sea of cups, pulling out a dazed Mantis.
"MANTIS, WHAT THE HELL!" Monkey yelled.
"I'm sorry!" Mantis kept a tight hold on the baby as it climbed onto the buffet table.
He opened his mouth the yell some more, but was interrupted by the approaching pitter patter of tiny feet. Then three-dozen small children burst into the courtyard.
"Matron, what was that noise?" A little rabbit called out before he and his fellow orphans caught sight of Monkey and the others. Then they all cried out in joy and climbed across the sea of cups towards the trio and brought them crashing down with group hugs.
Five minutes later, the trio was gathered with several of the orphans in the courtyard, the cups all swept into a pile in one corner.
"I'm sorry, mister, but we haven't seen the old guy since last night." Said a piglet girl. "You left when it was time for us to go to bed."
Monkey sighed, not feeling very surprised.
"Hey, do you guys know why we came here in costume?" Crane asked. He wouldn't stop scowling at the giggles the orphans were making as they stared at his dyed plumage.
"Hehehehehehe… it was a costume party we were having, silly!" The rabbit child giggled. "You guys caught wind of the party and decided to gatecrash!"
"What costumes were we wearing?" Mantis asked. "We kind of already know, of course, we just wanna know if you knew what we were."
"Well, you were dressed up as metal." The rabbit said.
"Metal?" Mantis blinked.
"Yeah. During the party, you told us about the time a group of bad guys tried to invade the palace by pretending to be the five elements. You were dressed up as 'Metal', with a Mohawk and tiny suit of armor and sword and everything!" (See the Kung Fu Panda comic 'It's Elemental')
"Awesome!" Mantis grinned, and rubbed his glued Mohawk. "Any idea where my amour and sword went?"
"You threw the armor away, but gave me the sword!" A tiny gosling lifted a feathered wing, a tiny sword in his grasp. "The sword's fake, so matron didn't mind."
"What did I come as?" Monkey asked.
"You dressed up as the crocodile, and he dressed up as you." Said the rabbit. "Basically you changed clothes."
At that moment, Mantis gasped.
"Holy crap… Monkey, your pants!"
"What?" Monkey felt his rear, and his eyes widened when he found the enormous hole where his tiny tail hole had been ripped wider by Fung's thick croc tail.
"Oh god!" Monkey fell backwards onto the seat of his pants as the orphans burst out laughing. "D'you mean I've walked all over the city with my butt exposed?"
"And I thought my Mohawk was humiliating!" Mantis laughed hysterically.
"Here, tie this round yourself!" Crane tossed Monkey a blanket. "Guessing from my re-colored plumage, I was dressed as Master Shifu." He scowled again when the children resumed their giggles.
"Oh, so that's who the old guy was." The orphans murmured. "He looked so different with all that black dye."
"Black dye?" Crane blinked.
"Yeah, Shifu dressed up as the Dragon Warrior!"
"He did?" Mantis stifled a laugh.
"Yeah! He put on these tiny shorts and dyed the colored parts of himself black."
"He dyed himself?" Monkey chortled.
"Yeah. And when we told him that the Dragon Warrior from the posters didn't have facial hair, he got a kitchen knife and cut off his beard and mustache."
Monkey leapt back into his chair.
Mantis dropped his cup of tea.
Crane fell from his chair and crashed to the floor.
"He… WHAT?" Crane half-gasped, half-shrieked the second word.
"Yeah, and he gave the beard to that baby monkey thing for safe keeping!" The gosling said.
Crane staggered to his feet as Monkey and Mantis gaped at the baby loris sat between them, still nibbling their master's beard.
Ho... ly... CRAP!
Shifu cut off his own facial hair?