Dan's Awakening

By DarthMarth

Chapter the Sixth—"Commemorative Shrubbery", or "An Unexpected Meeting"

The city of Ferox looked just like Ylisstol, except that it was dominated by a huge, circular arena instead of a gleaming palace. And the buildings were much more sturdily constructed of wood and stone to keep out the cold. And there was snow blowing down the streets. And people (including children) who bumped into each other in the streets would randomly pull out sharp weapons and dual each other to first blood on the spot. And every third building was a tavern instead of a concert hall, library, coffee-tasting bar, art museum, or fancy armor boutique. Actually, come to think of it, Ferox is nothing like Ylisstol. What was I thinking?

The Shepherds were waiting in the entry hall of Castle Ferox, which resembled an outgrowth of the arena.

"Please wait here while I summon the khan," a servant said, bowing out of the room.

"He's out training, I'd wager," Chrom said. "The khans of Ferox prefer battle to politics. Or rather, battle IS their politics."

"She, actually," Dan said, recalling the image of Flavia from his guide. "Dark skin, wild blonde hair in a ponytail, tough as nails, never without her sword and armor…"

"Well, sounds like someone came prepared for an audience," Flavia said, walking in. "Impressive. Here I am, Prince Chrom of Ylisse. East-Khan Flavia, at your service. What brings you to Regna Ferox?"

Stepping forward, Dan answered for Chrom. "We're here to fight as your champions in the upcoming east-west tournament for sovereignty of both kingdoms."

"Hah!" Flavia laughed. "Straight to the point. I like that. And as I am in need of champions, you couldn't have volunteered at a better time!"

"Wait, what?" Chrom said. "Dan, we have no time for—"

"Future knowledge," Dan interrupted.

"Er...very well, if you're sure…" Chrom said uneasily. "And...afterward, may we discuss Ylisse's need for the assistance of your soldiers?"

"Sure, if I manage to regain my hold over both kingdoms. ...say, you came from the south, did you not?"

"We did."

"My scouts recently brought a troubling report that the garrison at the Longfort was wiped out," Flavia said, furrowing her brow. "Did you happen to pass by there, and perhaps notice any clues as to what happened?"

"Um, er, no, we came by a different route, didn't come anywhere near the Longfort," Dan said, laughing nervously. Chrom looked at him, but shrugged and said nothing.

"Damn," Flavia said, running a finger along her sword. "The dastards who killed those men could still be at large in Ferox even as we speak…if I found those dogs, I'd give them a taste of my steel!" She noticed Chrom sweating profusely. "My, Prince Chrom, is this cold hall too hot for you? Hah! I thought Ylisseans were made of softer stuff, but clearly I underestimated you!"

"...yes, that's it exactly," Chrom said reluctantly.

Flavia noticed Virion, mouth covered with a gag and eyebrow arched seductively, kneeling next to her, fervently gesticulating with one hand on his heart and the other beckoning to her. "What is this man doing, and why is he gagged?"

"Mmmm-mmmmmm-mmmmmph! Mmm-mm-mm-mmmmmmm!" Virion said as romantically as he could.

"He...has bad breath, O khan," Dan said. "Like, really, really bad." Virion mmmmphed at him indignantly.

"A pity," Flavia said. "Follow me, champions. I'll take you to the arena." They followed her to a door, Virion glaring at Dan.

"...so we'll be fighting the West-Khan's champions, and whosever team wins gains control of Regna Ferox until the next tournament?" Chrom was saying as they entered the ready room adjacent the arena.

"Right," Flavia said. "And the West-Khan won the last tournament, so I have no power to help you unless I win the belt—uh, I mean, supreme khanship back from him."

"Oh yeah!" Vaike said, pulling out his axe. "The Vaike really IS a master of this kind of diplomacy! Let's kick some butt in there!"

"Mind your confidence," Flavia said, smiling. "I hear the West-Khan's champion is a peerless swordsman."

"Swordswoman, actually," Dan corrected, "and she's—"

A horn blast from inside the arena cut him off. "That's the signal!" Flavia exclaimed. "Get in there and do me proud!"

Dan's preselected team consisting of Chrom, Vaike, Stahl, Sumia, Lissa, and Miriel (he hadn't noticed Kellam again) charged through the opening doors and into the arena. All of them, Dan included, were staggered by its scale: the pit was over fifty paces across under a huge vaulted ceiling, with thousands of screaming fans in bleachers surrounding it. They were clearly from faraway lands, maybe Valm; they wore strange clothing with numbers on their chests, had off-color skin, and waved their grossly oversized hands in the air.

"Chrom! Look!" Lissa said. She pointed across the arena, where "Marth" was looking straight at them. "...Chrom?" Lissa started as she realized Chrom was no longer standing next to her, but was on the other side of the arena, locking blades with the masked swordsman. "...hey, what?"

"Plot development!" Dan exclaimed.

"'Marth' is so dark and mysterious and dreamy…" Lissa said longingly, watching them spar.

"Eew, Lissa, that's disgusting! She's totally your—"

"Gods, but he's good," Chrom said, suddenly between them again. "His men look capable as well. Dan, I leave the battle in your hands."

Dan nodded. "Right. Shepherds, attack plan sigma-basketweaver-thirteen!"

"But I don't have any coconuts!" Sully protested.

"Oh, uh...I meant attack plan sigma-basketweaver-fourteen!"

"That hardly seems practical at the present time, given that we are not in free fall," Miriel said.

"...fifteen?" Dan ventured.

"We never came up with a fifteen!" Chrom said nervously. "Think of something fast, Dan, his men are advancing on us!"

"Okay, fine, everyone just stand together and take them out as they come to us! Except Vaike, you go out and smash some face."

"Even their weapons will shake with feeeeaaaaarrr!" Vaike cried as he charged off to the other side of the arena.

Sumia took off and circled above the other Shepherds, watching the Feroxi fighters advance from above. That Chrom is a stubborn one, she thought, but I'll get him to notice me yet! Maybe if I take a page from one of One-Eyed Tatiana's many books…

Looking down, she saw Chrom attack two fighters with another spin attack. One of them leaped back to dodge; targeting him, she took Buttercup into a dive. Her primal scream made him look up, just before she crashed down on him. She jumped off Buttercup, ran back towards the downed fighter, tripped and bounced back to her unsteady feet, grabbed his fallen axe, and raised it above his neck with both hands. "THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR TRIFLING WITH ONE-EYED TATIANA, SHADOWSPAWN!"

Chrom, catching his trusty boomerang, suddenly noticed her (hallelujah!). "Sumia! What are you doing!?"

Sumia froze and turned to him. "Ah-! Chrom! I was just...imitating One-Armed Tatiana!"

"By executing an incapacitated foe? Committing a war crime?" Chrom shook his head. "Maybe you should read something else for a while…" He pulled out a bomb and charged off toward an approaching knight.

"...rats," Sumia said. She fell again. "Darned boots!"

Trying to keep her distance from the enemy combatants as Chrom and Sumia engaged them, Miriel held her quill and clipboard tight and shouted at one of them. "Would you characterize the food supply of your society as primarily agricultural, pastoral, hunter-gathering, or fishing based!?"

The Feroxi fighter paused in confusion and stared at her until Chrom cut him in half. "Nice job distracting the enemy, Miriel!"

"I am not attempting to 'distract the enemy'," Miriel said indignantly, "I am trying to conduct a potentially fruitful cross-cultural study with the local Feroxi population, and you are actively decreasing my sample size!" She run over to a mage before Chrom had a chance to shoot him with his slingshot. "On a scale from one to seven, seven being most free, how free are women in your culture to travel and conduct business outside the home!?" Chrom cut the mage down with another spin attack. "Confound it, commander!"

"We're fighting a battle, not taking a survey!" Chrom reminded her. "You should be assisting us!"

"Well, I can't very well do so with this, can I?" Miriel said, holding an axe up, upside down.

"Why do you have that?"

"I have my suspicions…"

"Yaaaaaaahhhh! Even my muscles have, uh...muscles!" Vaike yelled as he charged at an enemy knight. "Eat this!" He swung at the knight...and felt his blow glance off because he was carrying a red book. "Wait, what!?" He hurriedly jumped to the side to dodge the knight's counterthrust, thinking quickly. "Okay, a magic tome...uh, don't panic, the Vaike is master of all things magical...just remember the magic word Lissa taught you… Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!"

The tome burst into flames in his hands. "Oh, crap! Hot hot hot hot!" He reflexively threw the tome at the knight; it glanced off and mildly annoyed him. "Yikes! Deer, come save me! Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-kheooo-khee-khee-kheeooo!"

Stahl trotted his horse around the other Shepherds, forming a perimeter. To his shame, he was probably not battling at anything like his full potential, mostly because he was hungry. "Yeah, Chrom! Slice those fighters! ...wow, Sumia!" He idly stabbed an approaching swordsman, then returned to imagining what he might have for lunch.

He suddenly gasped involuntarily. Bacon. He could smell it in the air. Looking around frantically, he found the culprit: a portly axeman with a bulging rations bag. He spurred his steed into a gallop and drew his sword. "FOR YLISSE AND THE EXALT! DEEEEEEEAAAAATH! DEEEEEAAAAAATH!" As he dismembered/trampled the hapless combatant, he snagged his bag, then returned to trotting around his allies as he began rummaging through it. "Gods, this guy was hungry...smoked bacon...another meat pie...some ribs...garlic bread...mmm…" Stahl stopped himself from talking as he realized he was drooling on the food.

Dan found himself standing by his Sub-Enemy, Lissa (his Archenemy being Frederick), watching the battle unfold around them. Miriel was feeling strangely pacifistic this battle, Stahl had apparently taken the opportunity to catch up on his meals, and Vaike was being disappointingly cowardly, but Sumia was fighting as if possessed, and Chrom always seemed to have some new trick up his sleeve (despite not having sleeves). Dan watched in approval as he pulled out a big freaking hammer and smashed a Feroxi knight with it, then used a cane to create a cube-shaped block out of nothing to block an enemy lance. All in all, everything is going according to plan...

He and Lissa both turned to see a swordsman coming at them from behind, having snuck up along the outer wall. "Oh snap!" Dan started backing up. "Go away! ...Chrom!"

Lissa stepped forward and stiffened; Dan flinched as her pigtails suddenly expanded with an audible foof to roughly the size of small horses, making her appear as tall as Frederick and at least as wide. On top of that, she hissed like a bobcat. The man could barely turn around fast enough, and ran off screaming.

"...wow," Dan said, as Lissa's hair returned to its normal size. "Are your pigtails prehensile or something?"

"Yup!" Dan resolved to plan his still-inevitable revenge on her more carefully.

A few minutes later, the dust of the fighting had mostly settled (literally, the arena was seriously filthy) and Chrom led the Shepherds toward the awaiting "Marth".

"This is it...I'll give it my all," Chrom said determinedly.

"Uh, before you do, you should know that she's totally—"

Chrom cut Dan off. "Dan, I told you before to cease this gender confusion! Whoever he is, he saved our lives, and I cannot allow you to disrespect him like this!"

"Your friends fight well," the masked swordsman said as they approached her.

Chrom approached Lucina, sword at his side. "Who is your father?"

"Dude, it's—" Dan was cut off yet again by the trumpeting of an elephant. The post-battle parade was already entering the far side of the arena.

"Let's be done with this!" Chrom said. He drew his sword and charged at Lucina. At the last moment, he jumped, got into a crouch, and planted his sword facing straight down as he flew into her.

Somehow, despite the forceful impalement, Lucina ended up only bruised and dirt-covered. "Impressive...but not surprising…" She faded and disappeared in front of them, just as all the other enemies had. Dan still wasn't sure how they did that, or why there were graveyards if no one left a corpse.

"The East-Khan's champions are victorious!" the announcer shouted, his voice magically magnified.

Flavia vaulted down from the stands to them. "Well fought! The full power of Regna Ferox is mine once more! Let the trenches run with the blood of my enemies! MUA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"

Chrom backed away from her uneasily. "...we still get our reinforcements, right?"

"Of course," Flavia said normally. "...MUA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"

"Eh, she's like this every time she wins," a hulking, one-eyed man said, joining the post-battle huddle. "I'm Basilio, the West-Khan you so considerately removed from power!"

"...sorry," Chrom said. "But it was necessary."

Basilio laughed, a booming laugh that Dan could feel in his chest. "Hah-hah! I'm sure it was, boy! Er, prince! And you fought bravely; gave me one hell of a show! I thought I'd come out here to give you a little victory present."

"Oh? That is too kind of you."

"I insist," Basilio said. He motioned for two men who carried a crate between them; they came up and set it between Basilio and Chrom. They opened it to reveal...a curled-up man in a long coat with a sword that barely fit into the create diagonally? "What the—Lon'qu! What the hell are you doing in there!?"

The Myrmidon grabbed his sword and sat up in the create, hair covered in packing hay. "I wanted to roam free," he said simply.

"Well, you picked a fine way to escape! I'm terribly sorry," he said to Chrom. "There was supposed to be a lovely commemorative shrubbery in there, not my crazy former champion!"

"We'll take him anyway," Dan answered; he'd been expecting to recruit Lon'qu anyway.

"Fine by me; he's your man," Basilio said. The Myrmidon merely nodded his assent.

"Yay, a new friend!" Lissa said, her pigtails poofing out in a process disturbingly reminiscent of earlier.

As she walked up to Lon'qu, he recoiled, putting a hand on his sword. "Away, woman!"

"Wha? What did I say? Was it my hair? I can tone it down...kind of…maybe not..."

"No, it's just that I get...uncomfortable around women. I'd appreciate it if you kept your distance."

Dan smiled. He reminds me of Florina. Imagine what would happen if they met...I bet they wouldn't be able to get within twenty paces of each other!

An hour later, after some post-battle celebrations courtesy of Flavia, the tournament champions were headed for an inn in Ferox she had recommended, at Lissa's insistence.

"Yay, a soft bed and no freezing to death!" Lissa cheered, alternately poofing and unpoofing her hair.

"This...luxury...is unworthy of a soldier," Frederick said, frowning. "Milord, if it is permitted, I will sleep in the stable to watch the horses."

"Always concerned about your character, aren't you, Frederick the Wary?" Chrom said.

"Of course."

Dan smiled at their now-familiar banter. He couldn't see Lissa ever getting used to sleeping rough, nor Frederick to not insisting on it.

He did a double take. A flash of red hair had just seemed...familiar. Turning, he saw a cloaked figure walking away from them. He dropped back from the Shepherds—he knew where the inn was—and followed the figure. It disappeared into a house down the street; Dan stood across the way from the front door until the figure reappeared a few minutes later.

"Priscilla?"

She gasped upon seeing Dan. "Ahhh! Dan! ...oh, I mean, hi, Dan!" She lowered the hood of her cloak, leaving no doubts as to her identity. "I'm Sainzilla now, remember?"

"Oh...right," Apparently, due to some kind of "spirit shuffle" that had taken place while Dan had been dead, several of his old friends had switched bodies. 'Sainzilla', he managed to remember, was Sain's spirit in Priscilla's body. Even after all this time, it was confusing to him. "How did you get here?"

"I could ask you the same… I just woke up in a snowy field near here."

Dan sighed. "That's my story, minus the snow. When was the last day you remember in Elibe?"

"It was a week after Lord Uther's birthday...so that would be September 5th."

"The same day I came here," Dan said. So we disappeared from Elibe at the same time.

"You are the first Elibean I've seen here," Sainzilla said. "Have you met anyone else?"

"No," Dan lied. "No one. Especially not Marcus."

Sainzilla laughed too loudly for Priscilla. "Even after he helped you defeat Nergal, you two never did see eye to eye."

"Tell me about it… Anyway, we're staying at an inn nearby. Come along, Pris...er, Sainzilla."

Sainzilla looked down at his feet. "Oh...since I came here, I've been working as a healer in town. You remember I'd been practicing with staves, since I'm not much good as a cavalier anymore. I actually kind of like this life." He paused for a moment. "...who is 'we'?"

"Prince Chrom of Ylisse and his Shepherds, of course!" Dan said. "Another adventure to save the land! Come on and join us! It's just like old times, but with branching promotions and stuff!"

Sainzilla's face took on a sadness more reminiscent of the old Priscilla. "Er, Dan...when I said I like this life, I also meant that it's...easier living this way, rather than traveling around with, um...lots of gorgeous women. You know, because I can't…er." He left it unsaid; Dan remembered how depressed Sainzilla had been at first about no longer being able to flirt with women.

"Nope, you're coming with us!" He grabbed Sainzilla by the hand and marched him off to the inn.

"Sigh...yes, Tactician Dan."

Back at the inn, Dan introduced Sainzilla to the Shepherds merely as a healer he'd met who had offered to join them, making no mention for now of their past together. He seemed annoyed at the claim that he had asked to join Dan, but said nothing of it. Turning away from Chrom after being introduced, Sainzilla jumped at the sight of an eager and amorous Virion, standing just behind him. "Ah-! Hello, are you one of the Shepherds?"

"Ohh!" Virion sighed rapturously.

"Hm?"

"Those eyes, with such exquisite sorrow! What subtle and fine nobility they possess! You must be a highborn lady of Ylisse!"

Sainzilla froze in place, his face slowly meandering from exquisite sorrow to deep sadness, then from sadness to profound bewilderment, then finally to despair. Unfreezing, he burst into tears and ran away from the archest of archers.

Virion reached out a hand after her. "Wait, my lovely one! Have I offended thee? I humbly beg your forgiveness! I am but a lost boy offering up his childish wishes to the goddess of beauty! I shall be your servant of love for as long as you will have me! Come back!"

Sully walked up to him, frowning and holding a strip of burlap. "Do I have to put the gag back on, Virion?"

He shrunk back, forgetting Sainzilla for now. "...no, my sweet, of course not…"

Sainzilla sat at a table on the opposite side of the dining room, sobbing, when Sumia approached her.

"Pardon me, I couldn't stand hearing you cry without saying something… I'm Sumia! You must be that new girl who just joined the Shepherds; looks like we'll be traveling together!"

"I'm Lissa! It's good to meet you!" the Cleric said, walking up. "What's wrong? Can I do anything to help? Virion can be a total pain, but we've all been there, and we're here for you!"

Sainzilla raised his head and looked back and forth between their smiling, comforting faces. "Oh wow, you're beautiful!" Sumia exclaimed. "I love your hair!"

The ill-fated cavalier/troubadour emphatically redoubled his sobbing, rising and running up the stairs to the bedrooms. "Waaaaaaahhhh-aahhh-ahhhhhhh!"

Lissa put a supportive hand on Sumia's shoulder. "It's not your fault, Sumia. Some people are just really sad...but we'll help our new friend feel better soon, just you wait!"

"We sure will!" Sumia said determinedly, just before she fell to the floor. "Ow."

"Sorry! My bad!"

How did Dan and Sainzilla get here? Does Sain deserve such a strong dose of his own medicine? What is attack plan sigma-basketweaver-fourteen for? Is Chrom the ancestor of Link? What is the primary food source of the Feroxi? Is Lissa secretly the most terrifying Shepherd? What would happen if Lon'qu and Florina met, and is this merely a hypothetical possibility? Are Hylians partial Manaketes who have run out of Dragonstones? Find out all of these and more next time on Dan's Awakening!

Sainzilla: ...waaaaaahhh! Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Lon'qu: Oh-! I...I wasn't aware I would be sharing this room with a woman.

Sainzilla: ...it's...a long story.

Miriel: Blast, thanks to the commander, my data are woefully incomplete… I shall conduct a study on Feroxi attitudes toward being woken up in the middle of the night for scientific studies! Away!

Chrom: So, Dan, what were you saying about Marth?

Dan: Oh, only that he's your—*BOOM*

Chrom: Wow, a thunderstorm in the middle of winter? Regna Ferox has such violent, bizarre weather… You were saying?

Dan: "Marth" is totally from—

Vaike: Who's up for a late-night raid on the girls' room? I think I saw our new healer makin' eyes at the Vaike!

Dan: No, you didn't.

Chrom: Not now, Vaike, Dan was about to tell me something!

Dan: Sigh...he's really your—

Vaike: *BEEEEEELLLLLLCH*

Dan: Ugh, screw it, good night.

This is it, the end of the initial six-chapter upload! New chapters will come individually and hopefully regularly. I hope you've enjoyed it so far; please read and review!