Callie had never dreamed of this. Babies were her dream, that was for sure. Sick babies were not supposed to be a part of those plans though. However, she found herself in the N.I.C.U. sitting next to her second sick daughter and wondering if she and Arizona could really make it through this twice. Was there really hope for this sweet eight pound, three ounce girl? She had been telling herself, Sofia, and Arizona that there was for months, but she couldn't be sure that things would work out. Still, Sofia had taught them that parenthood was rarely easy, so she refused to give up on Faith. They had made it through so much that maybe it was all just meant to prepare them for Faith's fight.
The little girl's laboured breathing had gotten somewhat worse since her birth three hours ago. Already, Callie could notice that her colouring was off, too. It wasn't the worst it could be, but she wasn't exactly pink. There was a dull grey tint to her skin, which was a sure sign that giving Faith some oxygen was the right call.
"You don't like that oxygen or those monitor leads, do you?" Madre asked her. "I know! But they help you. They tell Dr. Brady and the nurses how your heart is. They keep track of your blood pressure, and your heart rate, and oxygenation…lots of important things."
Madre was softly stroking Faith's tiny arm. The other one had an IV in it, and Faith wasn't too happy about that either. Luckily, Madre's touch seemed to help somewhat. Faith opened her baby blues and looked over at Madre. Her newborn eyes couldn't see too clearly yet, but Callie didn't care. She had her little one's attention, and she was hopefully providing enough comfort.
"This isn't such a good birthday, is it?" she asked her. "I know. But I'm here. I'm right here, Faith. And I'm sure Mommy'll be coming soon. She's supposed to be resting, but she's worried about you. I think Grandma'll probably bring her down here in a bit. And I called Abuelo, and Grandpa, and Sofia. They're on their way, 'kay? Sofia's been waiting so long to see you! We all have. She knows your heart isn't doing so good, but she's been praying for you with me. And she just wants you to get better and be cute. She doesn't quite know that you won't get all better, but still. We want you to do as well as you can, okay?"
She gave her a kiss.
"Dr. Brady says kisses from moms help," she smiled. "I think they help mommies feel a little less bad for babies, but still. We've got plenty of kisses for you. There's no machine that's gonna go off and say 'Faith hasn't had enough love today!' Nope! Impossible!"
"Is that oxygen helping you, Faith?" Dr. Brady asked as he came over just as his new patient seemed to calm down some. "How's her breathing been sounding, Madre?"
"Not as bad, huh Faith?" Callie said. "But she's not too happy with that nasal cannula."
"I don't blame you," he told the baby. "I wouldn't like that too much if I were you, either." He placed his stethoscope on Faith's chest and listened. "Well," he said, after a minute. "I'm not so happy with your colouring, but hopefully the oxygen and the medicine help with that. Same with your breathing. And your heart's working pretty hard, but you're not lethargic."
"So…?" Callie asked.
"We had discussed doing the first surgery very soon after birth so that we don't risk any complications. If we wait too long and those connections in her heart start to close themselves up, she could go into shock."
"Right."
"I'm going to do an echo as soon as I can get a machine in here, but I'd like to book an O.R. for first thing tomorrow morning. The good thing about Faith's case – not that any of this is 'good', but if we have to find something good in it – is that we know what's going on. We can act before all of those natural connections that are helping her out right now close up. Sometimes we don't know a diagnosis until after birth and we don't get to act as quickly. Knowing what we know, and seeing that she's symptomatic even before anything's started to happen, makes me want to get a jump on it."
"Okay," Callie nodded. "Yeah, for sure."
"Any questions?"
"No," she said. "I pretty much figured that. To be honest, I was starting to hope that she could have the surgery closer to forty-eight hours old, but that's just because the mom in me was still…no matter how much I know…"
"You want a great, perfect outcome and it's hard to accept that this is happening," he said. "I can't relate. I don't have kids yet. But I've heard many, many parents say that. You're not the only one."
"I'm a surgeon. I know the facts. I knew she wouldn't be born with a normal heart."
"Still. Now it's really real."
"That's an understatement," she said, tearing up again.
"I can't make promises," he told her. "I can't say that she'll be okay."
"I know," she agreed. "But that's all I want to hear."
"I know it is."
Just then, Arizona and Barbara arrived. Callie could tell that her speculation was correct: Arizona hadn't slept a wink. The tear stains on her cheeks told her wife that she had cried pretty hard this whole time instead.
"Mommy and Grandma are here," Madre told Faith.
"Yes, we are," Arizona smiled. "What's going on, Faith?"
"Surgery tomorrow morning," Callie explained, giving Arizona a kiss. "Oxygen and meds are helping out some, but she's still got her laboured breathing and well, her colouring…"
"Yeah," she said, as the little one took hold of her finger.
"But she seems alert," Callie said. "She's even been fussy. Nobody wants a fussy kid, but at least she isn't lethargic."
"You can try feeding her," Dr. Brady said. "Since we're not operating yet. See how it goes."
Babies with hypoplastic left heart syndrome commonly had trouble feeding. Dr. Brady wasn't sure how Faith would do, but he wanted them to try. If it didn't go well, they had options, but they had to start somewhere.
"I pumped a few ounces and gave it to a nurse," Arizona said. "She told me it would be brought down here."
"I'll go check," he said as he left them.
"Thanks."
Callie picked Faith up and held her. She had tried this earlier, but her girl hadn't wanted anything to do with the position. This was most likely due to all the tubes and everything that was attached to her, so Madre had just put her back down, but she was happy to have a more content baby in her arms this time.
"I'll hold you until your milk comes, then Mama can feed you, okay? She's the one who got your sister to eat when she was in the N.I.C.U. Yeah! She wouldn't eat for me or her daddy, but she always ate for Mama."
"I think it was just luck," Arizona said.
"I think you girls know Mama has the magic touch," Callie smiled. "Hopefully."
"I thought feeding wasn't a problem until after surgery," Grandma said.
"That will probably complicate it even more," Arizona said. "But even now, it may not be easy. She's working harder to breathe, so…"
"Oh."
"How are you feeling, Mommy?" Callie asked.
Faith may have been the number one concern, but Callie couldn't help but worry about her wife as well. After all, she had just given birth a matter of hours ago.
"So, so tired," she yawned. "And I tore pretty bad, so that feels fantastic. But I'm here with Faith which is the most important thing."
A nurse brought a bottle with Faith's name on it over. Callie gave her a kiss before she passed her and her milk over to Arizona.
"Let's see," Arizona said, as she offered her newborn the bottle. "Can you eat for us, please? Dr. Brady says we can get some milk in your belly because you don't have to have surgery today."
Faith opened her eyes as she tasted Mommy's milk for the first time. She didn't seem too interested with the meal, though. A few sucks and swallows in, she stopped.
"No?" Madre asked.
"We'll take a little break and try again in a minute, okay?" Arizona suggested.
It was then that they heard their older daughter's voice in the scrub room. The excited four-year-old didn't have much interest in washing her hands and putting on a little gown right now. All she wanted to do was come meet her new sister.
"You have more visitors," Grandma told Faith.
"I'll be back," Callie said.
"Okay," Arizona replied.
Callie went into the scrub room to help explain to Sofia why all of this was necessary.
"Hey, Big Sister," she smiled.
"Faith's in there?"
"Mommy's holding her," she nodded. "They want to see you."
"Abuelo said I gotta wash hands," she said.
"Yep," Callie nodded. "We all have to. It's the rules so that we don't spread germs to the babies. See Grandma? Grandma's got a gown on, too. Look, they even have special gowns for brothers and sisters."
Sofia looked at the tiny pink gowns. "That's mine?"
"Yeah," she said. "You can get one on after we wash your hands really, really good."
"Okay," she replied. "And you, too?"
"Yep, I'll wash back up and put a new one on."
A few minutes later, Grandma snapped a picture of her oldest grandchild all ready to meet the new baby. The little girl was waving through the glass. She could tell even through the mask – which the smallest N.I.C.U. visitors had to wear since it was flu season and children weren't so great at covering their mouths – that Sofia had a great big smile plastered on her face.
"Hey, Sof," Arizona smiled as Sofia came in with the three adults behind her.
"It's Faith's breakfast time?" Sofia asked, watching as Mommy picked up the bottle and tried again to get her to eat even just a little bit.
"It is," Arizona smiled. "But she's not eating very much right now."
"Maybe if I feed her, she will," Sofia offered.
"I think for now that's a job for me," she replied. "But I'm sure Faith's happy you're here."
"I'm happy Faith came out," she smiled.
"Me too," she agreed.
"Did she get surgery yet?"
"Not yet," Callie said. "Sof, how about you and I sit here while Mom feeds Faith?" Callie asked.
The distraction of her big sister wasn't helping Faith eat. Callie understood that Sofia wanted time with her sister – and it would come – but she needed to keep her at bay for just a little while.
"Okay," she said, as Madre picked her up and they sat down in the rocking chair.
"So, how's my girl?" Callie asked. "What did you have for breakfast?"
"Abuelo gave me toast and peanut butter," she said. "And Grandpa said I could wear my Big Sister shirt, but then I got here and I gotta cover it up."
"When Faith's done eating, you can tell her all about it," Grandpa replied.
"Yeah," Sofia decided.
"Do you know when her surgery will be?" Daniel asked his daughter.
"Tomorrow morning," Arizona said, looking down at Faith so that she could hopefully avoid tearing up.
She really wanted these moments to be as happy as possible for Sofia's sake. Yes, she knew her sister was sick, but she didn't need every detail. It would only scare her.
"Surgery's like goin' to sleep," Sofia told Faith. "I 'member."
"You don't remember," Callie laughed. "Silly!"
Sofia giggled.
"You were too little to remember, right?"
"Yeah, but you tell me 'bout it when we see that line I got."
"Your scar, right? Faith'll have one, too."
"Oh," she said, watching as her sister actually started to eat well. "Faith's a pretty girl."
"Yep," Arizona nodded. "And she's doing a good job eating. Huh, Faith?"
"She a picky eater?"
"Well, she doesn't mean to be," Callie explained. "It's a little harder for her."
"Oh."
"Is this her first bottle?" Abuelo asked.
"Yep," Arizona nodded.
"When she's done, you could put her in the baby bed and I'll hold her hand," Sofia said.
She had seen pictures of her days in the N.I.C.U., so she knew the drill. They had helped to prepare her for all of the tubes and things that she would see Faith have. She was still somewhat uneasy, but she knew that all of those things were best for Faith, and not there to hurt her.
"Would you like that, Faith?" Arizona smiled. "You'll have a little rest and everybody'll talk to you."
Twenty minutes later, Faith yawned as Arizona laid her down. Sofia knelt on a chair and held the infant's hand.
"Are you sleepy, Faith?" she asked.
"She almost finished her bottle, though," Carlos smiled.
"She got about an ounce and a half," Arizona replied. "Not bad."
Faith yawned again. "Do you need a rest?" Grandpa asked. "I think Sofia's right."
"I know 'cause I'm her sister," Sofia decided.
Dr. Brady came over to check on Faith again.
"How'd her feeding go?" he asked.
"Slowly," Arizona said, holding up the bottle. "But she ate. About an ounce and a half."
"Good," he replied. "That doesn't mean much for the long run, though. After tomorrow, she'll be intubated for awhile and that's likely to set her back."
"Yeah," Callie said.
"But for now, she's eating. That's good."
Sofia looked up at the doctor as he did a quick exam, which Faith didn't like too much. The big sister wasn't very impressed that this doctor was making her little sister sad.
"It's okay, Sof," Arizona said. "Faith just doesn't like Dr. Brady bugging her."
"I've heard a lot about you, Sofia," Dr. Brady said. "My name's Dr. Austin."
"Hi," she said.
"Your sister's hands are warm, huh?" he asked, as he made note of this positive sign.
"Yeah," she said. "'Cause I hold her hand."
"You're a good sister," he smiled.
"Yeah," she said. "Because I have a brother, too. I know how to be a sister. And I got a big, big sister, too. But she doesn't live at Daddy's."
"I see."
"And Faith's just my sister," she said. "Not Max and Sloan's."
"Faith's lucky you're her sister," Grandpa told Sofia.
Callie looked over at Arizona and it was clear that her wife was barely holding it together. While it was good to see Sofia with Faith, they couldn't help but wonder if Faith would be as lucky as her sister had gotten. They already knew that Faith would be very ill for her whole life, but they just hoped that there would be a life ahead of her.
"You okay?" Callie mouthed to her wife.
"What if she doesn't make it?" Arizona simply mouthed back, quickly wiping away tears that she didn't want Sofia to see.
"One day at a time, Mommy," Callie said softly, as tears returned to her own eyes.
"Less than that," she whispered. "A few hours at a time."
"Yeah," she agreed.
They had no idea how they would be able to withstand the wait during Faith's surgery the next day. They had done it before with Sofia, and it would be the first of a series for Faith, but it would never get any easier to send their child into the operating room. They were all too aware of the complications that could occur and they knew that some parents never even got their babies back.