We sat silent on my porch for a long time. Inside, my parents and my brother were eating dinner, cleaning plates, or watching TV. The September air was colder than usual and I shivered, shaking the swing lightly. Emily immeadiately moved to scoot closer to me, but stopped herself, returning her gaze somewhere far away. To my surprise she wasnt crying, or nervous. She was just quiet. She was just waiting for me to figure out how to respond.
Those five stages we learned about in psychology were no joke. Bargining, anger, denial...I forget the other one, but it was taking me a particularly long time to find the acceptance stage.
Hadnt I know this all along, though? Isnt this exactaly why I had spent the last two years teasing her? Did she just expect that I would say that I loved her too and that we would run off in spite of the world and live happily ever after?
"I dont know what Im supposed to say." I said, probably for the first time in my life, and I meant it.
"You dont have to say anything you dont mean, I just had to say it to make it real." She said in a cool tone that matched her body language.
I nodded. As terrible as it sounded, I didnt want to keep on hooking up with her if thats what she wanted. I didnt want to feed that fire and make her think it was mutual. That feeling was not mutual. I did not think that way about her. I didnt enjoy sex like she did. I didnt get lost watching her walk and talk and eat and smile. I didnt. I couldnt.
Before I could stop it, tears poured from my eyes. Fuck.
"Im going to go inside now." I said. I stood and tried to wipe my eyes before she noticed, but she reacted too fast.
"No dont." She said, and grabbed my hand. Her eyes looked up at me, shining against the moon, and she was so beautiful. No. Stop it.
"I dont want you the way you want me, Emily!" I jerked my hand away. My voice shook and so did my body. She sat stunned for a moment and so did I, the two of us just looking at each other.
"I guess I just dont believe you."
"You do not get to decide how I feel or what I want." I snapped.
"Then what do you want, Ali?" She stood so close to my face I could feel her breath when she spoke, "Do you want this?" She grabbed both of my wrists and backed me against my house. She pinned my arms above my head and looked into my eyes with the ferocity of a hunting lion. "Do you want me to push you up against the wall hard and kiss you and make you feel weak? Because I will."
I felt helpless under her hard body holding mine down. I felt angry that when I resisted she pushed harder and I realized that she really was the stronger one, and if she wanted, she could tie me down to the bed and there would be nothing I could do about it.
"No." I whimpered.
She let go of me immediately and quit pressing me against the wall, but instead, leaned on me as if for support. The sobs I had been expecting finally came, and she gripped my shoulders. My heart was pounding so hard I thought it might beat out of my chest. My hands stayed where she left them and my eyes were wide.
It finally dawned on me that while Emily was physically stronger, I was the emotional rock. I could hold my shit together, but she was the prowess of the muscle. All this time I felt I had the advantage over her in the bedroom, but really it was her letting me have it.
It was her job to make me feel mentally superior, stronger, so that when she broke down like this, I would be ready. My hands twisted around her thin body and felt the softness of her t-shirt at the small of her back. She was so warm. I could feel the tenseness in her muscles, but also her vulnerability. It was astounding.
Until that moment, I did not realize how much of herself Emily had given to me.