The Seven Heartbreaking Chapters of Her Life
"Stars and Dazzles"
Written by: keaRy anCe
It was dawn. Everyone else was still sleeping. Except for one.
Mikan was wide awake, all hyped up for school. Natsume and Sumire were back in Japan, and Mikan's been waiting for this day for so long. After taking a quick bath, she slipped on her uniform and shined her shoes. Six in the morning, she was out, and the streets were barely occupied. It was solitude written on the road, but Mikan knew she was going to be even more upset.
Okay, Mikan, she told herself, Today, you're going to be tough.
The fog was thick. With a reported thirteen degree Celsius, what else should she expect? But her mind was too preoccupied for later to even take mind of the weather. She stared at the tall buildings she came to know as her second home. It suddenly wasn't the same as she thought so three months ago. Then, she couldn't wait to see Hotaru and her friends. She couldn't wait to smile at Natsume and have his hand around hers. Except they were all just for show.
You put on quite a show, she sung to her mind, really had me going, but now it's time to go; curtains finally closing.
Ah yes, those artists really need to stop writing songs describing her life.
She reached that particular tree. Dropping her bag on the ground, she sat against the tree and sighed. "You stupid, stupid tree," she whispered out loud with stinging eyes. "If I wasn't so attached to you in the first place, I wouldn't have seen that so-called break-up, and I wouldn't be in this mess. If I didn't like you, I wouldn't have to talk to Natsume later because we wouldn't talk under this tree and he won't use me as a rebound. How really unlucky you are to me.
"But you know what? I bet, if you could talk to me, you'd tell me what an idiot I am, like Hotaru. Or that you love me, like Ruka. Or tell me to get lost, like Natsume, because I'm annoying. 'Cause you know everything, don't you? You probably knew it from the start. Maybe you should've told me instead. I was too lightheaded for this love thing, you know? Wait, you do. You just didn't tell me. 'Cause you can't. 'Cause you're a tree.
"But you're my tree. You should've… No, I should've known. I was so deluded with my fantasies, wasn't I?"
And she was so deluded in them that the bell finally rang. She ran off swiftly to their building, her thoughts still deep in thinking. Her mind was wrapped around Natsume. Natsume, no one else. Just Natsume.
Suddenly, he was right there.
"N—N—Natsume."
He shifted his stance, both hands digging his pockets.
"Uh, m—may I h—have a—a hug?"
When Natsume nodded, Mikan thought her whole world was going to explode.
With arms still around his shoulders, Mikan asked in a muffled voice, as her face was buried on his chest, "Was Singapore a pretty country?"
"Yeah. Wonderful."
She let go of him and with all strength she possessed, she gave him a smile. "I'm glad you had fun. I'll talk to you later, after school, alright?"
"What's she doing here?" Sumire asked scornfully when Mikan has run away. She kissed him lightly in the lips.
Natsume rolled his eyes. "Asked how Singapore was. She looked damn cheerful."
"Oh, come on, don't go around looking confused. The girl's highly obsessed with you. She really thinks she's the girlfriend. God. Couldn't she get it through her thick skull?"
"You said it yourself. She has a thick skull."
"What on earth, Mikan!"
Blinking rapidly, she faced her friends with a big question mark on top of her head. "'What on earth' what?"
Anna frustratingly pointed at Natsume and Sumire who just entered the room at the same time. "What on earth is that?"
"That is Natsume." Mikan said quite cheerfully, albeit the hand emotionally crushing her heart. "And the other that is Sumire."
"Exactly!" Anna waved her hands with bulging eyes. How could Mikan not get what she meant?
"Mikan," Nonoko said slowly, as if talking to a kindergartner, "Why are Natsume and Sumire… close, close?"
Blink. Blink. "Because they're friends." Because they're lovers.
"No, no," Anna was looking worried and kept stealing glances at the aforementioned 'friends'.
Nonoko followed this with "Friends don't stare at each other's eyes like they're going to eat each other up."
Blink. Blink. "Hotaru always stares at me like she's going to eat me up." Please don't ask anymore.
"No, you idiot," Hotaru butted in annoyingly, "I don't even want to touch anything with your DNA on it. I look at you like that because I want to hit you so badly, like now." She leaned closer and whispered harshly to Mikan's ear so the other two won't hear: "If this is about Hyuuga, I'll make sure he will never walk on his two legs again."
Hotaru drew back and Mikan feigned a smile for the sake of Anna and Nonoko. "I will never want to never walk on two legs."
With her backpack on her shoulders, Mikan started towards the tree. It wasn't just 'the tree' anymore, she realized. It was not as innocent as any other. It was like Mikan's diary. It witnessed everything. It knows everything.
I wish I knew everything, Mikan silently wished. She could count the steps left before she would reach the tree. I wish I knew everything from the beginning, so I won't look like a complete fool, like I do now.
Five.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
"You came."
Mikan has never seen a man as handsome as Hyuuga Natsume. Those tantalizing crimson eyes that could melt anyone. The soft raven hair of his too stubborn to stay neat. That wonderful chiseled face, all in proportion, oh-so-perfect. He was a thunderstorm on quiet day. He was… he was… he was irresistible.
"I need to get going, so make it fast, alright?"
He was also stubborn and arrogant. Always acting so high and mighty. Aware he's the supreme guy, aware of all the affections showering him. He was not just a pretty face, he was not just the modern-day Adonis. He knows he's everything.
"I…" No, Mikan, don't stutter. Not now. "I just need to talk to you about— about something important."
He quickly glanced at the gleaming silver watch. "Start."
It was a command.
He was the boss, not the boyfriend.
"N—Natsume, w—wha—wha'r'we?" She blushed. Why, Mikan? Get a hold of yourself, you idiot!
"I was expecting something in a language both of us could understand."
Us, he said us! Wait, no, Mikan, you're getting off topic. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale— "What exactly are we, Natsume?"
She knew it wasn't what he expected. Then what was he expecting? "Natsume, please lend me money?" "Natsume, take me to Singapore next time?" "Natsume, where's my birthday gift?" Oh, right, she remembered bitterly, he doesn't even know I'm a year older now.
"'We' are a couple. Remember? That day under the tree?" Jeez, he thought, What a troublesome kid.
"No, we're not," she retorted quickly, and she guessed tears were going to escape her eyes any moment now. "We're not, Natsume. You and I both know that."
"I don't know what you're saying. Look, I need to—"
"You need to talk to me!" She could barely see him now. "We need this time, Natsume! You need to tell me! Please!" Forgetting all willpower and pride she carefully stored, she burst into furious tears. "Please, Natsume. Tell me. Did you ever love me?"
Whoosh. Whoosh. No answer.
She repeated the question. "Please, Natsume. Answer me now. Did you ever love me? Or was I just a rebound?"
Cricket. Cricket. No answer.
She was like a poor child; soft and innocent and begging. "Did you love me, Natsume? Or were you thinking about her the whole time?"
"Who—" he tried to say, but Mikan wouldn't hear anything from him. She didn't want to hear him say the other girl's name out loud.
"Sumire! Shouda Sumire! You're real girlfriend!"
"What barbarous thing made you—"
"What barbarous thing that made me what, Natsume?" She was through being innocent little Mikan. Through being the baby. Through being fooled. "Made me love you? Made me love you so much that I forgot to open my eyes? Well, newsflash, Natsume. I don't know. Every other girl would be crying out every perfect damn thing about you, but you're more than that, Natsume. I saw it. You're more than just the looks and the personality. I saw beyond that, Natsume. But you didn't see me, did you? You only saw a pathetic little girl you could play with while the love of your life fixes things up with her family. You don't know how I knew everything I'm telling you right now, because you didn't believe I could figure it out. Because, to you, I'm nothing. To you, I'm no one important."
"Look, I'll take you home. It's your time of the month, isn't it? You're having issues; you're creating illusions in your head. Come on." He reached for her arm but she swiftly held it back. Natsume's eyes widened.
"I loved you so much, Natsume," Mikan cried, "I still do. I love you so much, and because of that love, I'm in the state where you can never hurt me again. Never again, because I know better. And I know that it was all about Sumire. You had your eyes on her the moment you saw her. You have your eyes on her everywhere. You can't stop thinking about her. Your heart keeps crying for her. Your arms want to be around her. You don't know, because you can't explain it. That's love, Natsume. That's love, if you don't know. That's what I feel for you. I have my eyes stuck on yours ever since I laid eyes on you. I can't stop thinking about you. My heart keeps crying for you. My arms want to be around you. My heart keeps shouting for you, it's telling me that I love you, but my mind doesn't want me to get hurt, and that's exactly what you're doing to me."
Natsume couldn't bring himself to talk. He knew Mikan would just counter it, and that she'd be right.
He didn't expect her to give a smile, though.
But it was a sad smile. It was the type of smile where you just know there are a thousand stories behind it.
And there was.
"I envied Sumire because you had your eyes on her. Not on me. And on my birthday, you lied and told me you were with your family. I let it go, Natsume, but you probably forgot that I live in Tokyo, too, don't you? Because I saw you while you were out with her. Do you know what everyone else was saying? They said you looked perfect. A handsome young man and a beautiful young lady." She took a deep breath. This was it. "You went to Singapore with her. You went to the countryside with me. You probably have her number on speed dial. You don't even know mine. Natsume, forgive me, but I can't play your game anymore."
"I'm sorry." Natsume said. He didn't look entirely weepy but he looked sheepish. Guilty.
Mikan didn't want to hear that from him. Deep inside, she wished he said he loved her. But that was her 'kid-stuck-in-fairy-tale-land' talking. She was living in reality, and Natsume would never say that he loved her, that she was his.
"Me too, Natsume." Mikan said, wiping the tears with the tip of her fingers, holding out the sobs and giving him the saddest smile. "Me too."
"Mikan?" Mr. Narumi called her attention for the second time. "Are you alright? Do you want to sit down?"
"I—I'm about to finish, sir. I'm sorry." Swallowing back the sobs, Mikan turned back to her essay. It was such a weak thing to cry in front of everyone, but she was just human.
"Love and hatred are two similar things. Yes, love is sweet and wonderful. It's pure bliss, like a lifetime supply of fluff puffs. It's tacky and mushy and indeed bothersome, but there's something tasteful about this seemingly innocent thing we've come to know as 'love'. It brings out the best and worst of each person, and this is how we've come to know 'hatred'. Hatred is when love goes wrong, when it comes at the wrong time for the wrong people. Hatred is when Cupid accidentally hits you with his arrow and misses the right person. Hatred is when everything is doomed from the start but you still go on even though you're aware of the present negativity. But hatred only happens when you keep pursuing something that's not destined to be and you end up screwing everything up even more, so as long as Cupid doesn't go haywire, there is love. Keep in mind, though, that love is there; it has always been, but it will blossom at the right time, with the right person."
There was a round of applause.
"Mikan."
The brunette immediately stiffened; her hands hastily wiped the almost-drying tears.
"Well, you have some guts!" Anna angrily hissed.
"You've got some after all, don't you?" Hotaru said lightly, but her eyes screamed resentment "You should've used them earlier, you coward."
"Natsume," Nonoko said kindly, "This really isn't the right time."
"I need to talk to her," Natsume announced.
Everyone stared at him, except the brunette whose head was still down. Ruka was a bit unsure of his best friend's sudden decision. If they weren't friends at all, he would've punched Natsume in the face and make him feel sorry for rudely tearing the poor girl's heart to tiny pieces.
"Natsume," he managed to voice out, "they're right. This isn't the right time. Leave Mikan to us."
Leave Mikan to us. Those words annoyed the hell out of Natsume. He didn't know why. He stared deeply at Ruka's eyes, and a couple of curses and a hundred arguments crossed them with that single stare.
Leave Mikan to us.
But Mikan didn't want to stay put anymore. She stood up with imperfection all over: swollen eyes, a small and red but pointed nose, messy brown hair.
Anna was flabbergasted.
Nonoko was amazed.
Hotaru was wary.
Ruka was thunderstruck.
Natsume didn't know what he felt.
"I'll give you fifteen minutes tomorrow," Mikan said monotonously, "Fifteen minutes, and that's all. I've given you too much of my time already, I can't manage to waste some more."
"Give me your word," he requested equally, "Give me your word that you'll listen."
Mikan was naturally cold. "You don't need my word, Natsume—"
He was not the star she believed he was.
"— because I'm not like you."
She was not the dazzle he expected.
End of Chapter
Aww, my dearest beta reader doesn't fail to amaze me.
Review?