-- July 2 1987 --
Ralph stepped out on to the back deck, turning the porch light off before pulling the door closed, and walked to the railing. He then leaned forward on it, looking at the scenery outside. The sun had set hours before, and with the porch light off, the entire beach was black, allowing the stars to shine and multiply across the night sky. A short distance away, he could hear the tide crashing against the shore and nearby seawall. The closest neighbor to his mom's beach house was a half mile away to his left and to the right was the seawall that bordered the property.
He closed his eyes, taking it all in and grateful his mom had invited Pam and him to spend the holiday weekend with her there. They had arrived earlier in the evening and looked forward to the long weekend to relax and recoup from the last few months.
Ralph sighed at the thought. He could not believe it had been a little over four months since they found out Pam had cancer. To him it was like a giant whirlwind of activities, tests, treatments, and everything else in between. There were times he felt like he was the observer looking in from the outside.
He frowned at the thought. It was not too far from the truth, as most days there was not much else he could do but watch. Ralph glanced over his shoulder when heard the door behind him open and saw the porch light come on. "Hi Mom," he smiled.
"Oh I'm sorry," Paula said caught off guard at seeing her son outside alone, thinking he was in bed. "I didn't realize you were out here Ralph... do you want me to turn the light off?" she asked, placing a book on one of the chairs.
"No that's OK," Ralph shook his head. "I couldn't sleep so I came out here," he finished turning back to the beach. He was lost in his thoughts as Paula walked over, leaning on the railing next to her son.
She glanced over at her son, worried for him. Paula could tell the last few months weighed heavily on them, especially her son whom she had always known to take on the weight of the world when loved ones were hurting. When the couple arrived earlier, it sadden Paula when she saw how much the young woman had changed since she saw them on her son's birthday in February, and how tired they both looked.
Paula turned to look back out at the beach. "A penny for your thoughts," she quipped breaking into the man's thoughts.
"And a nickel for your dreams," Ralph chuckled, finishing the line his mom always used to coax her kids into talking about what was on their minds. "Guess I haven't been much for company tonight," he sighed, walking over to sit on one the deck chairs. The long drive north along the coast had worn Pam out and soon after they arrived, after eating dinner, she went to bed. Ralph followed but not able to sleep came outside instead.
Paula simply smiled and followed her son, sitting in the chair next to him. Both enjoyed each other's company for a while before Paula broke the silence again still worried about how he was dealing with everything, asking how he was feeling.
"I'm fine," Ralph asked running a hand over his face. "All things considered, Pam is the one you should be asking."
"I did," Paula nodded looking out into the night "She seems more worried about you than herself at the moment. And I would have to agree Ralph; you seem to have a lot on your mind. What's wrong?"
"Nothing really," he said with a sigh and stood back up. "And Pam has enough to worry about than to be thinking of me."
"Why shouldn't she Ralph?" Paula asked, sitting on the edge of her chair and followed with her eyes as Ralph paced the deck. "Pam knows she is not the only one dealing with this and you can't ask her to ignore that fact."
"But I'm not going through it like her," Ralph stopped facing his mom and pointing toward the house. "I don't have cancer. She does." He stated then pointed to himself "I just get to be the observer looking in from the outside and watch as one day she seems in perfect health, like there is nothing wrong then the next she doesn't have the strength to even get out of bed."
He then leaned back on the railing, crossing his arms and looking down at the deck with a sigh "You have seen what's it is doing to her Mom. The things they are doing to help seem to be making it worse and her body isn't taking it well."
"What do her doctors say?"
"They say it happens." Ralph looked up, running a hand through his hair before placing both hands on the railing behind him. "Some take it well and others do not. Pam just happens to fall in the group that does not"
"They are doing the best they can hun. You have to believe that it will get better… "
"Yeah, the power of positive thinking, easier said than done," Ralph groused starting to pace again "It's just so hard to only sit and watch it all happen, and not have any control over it. I get so frustrated at the whole thing, not being able to do something... anything to fix it, I feel so...
"Helpless," His mom finished for him. Ralph stopped his pacing as his mom continued "Less of a man, because you're not some superhero that can just with a thought make everything better," she stated and Ralph chuckled inwardly at the irony of the comment. His mom did not know about the suit, the green guys or how he wished he could do just that. Ralph sat down with sigh, leaning forward on his knees as Paula continued placing a hand on her son's back.
"You are selling yourself short Ralph thinking that. You are doing more than you can imagine. Imagine if you were not there to help in whatever way, when she needs you the most. I know there are many women who have to do this alone with no support of a husband who loves them as much as you love your wife. Pam is a very lucky woman despite what you feel or think. She has you and that is the best support and medicine she can have, even if all you can do at times is sit beside her and hold her hand."
"I know Mom," Ralph sighed, resting his head on one hand and looking at Paula. "I just wish it were me and not her. I would give anything to switch places with her Mom."
"I know you do son," Paula ran a hand through his hair, "and then I would be having this conversation with her and not you." She smiled slightly earning a chuckle from her son.
"Yeah," Ralph nodded, having to agree with her that either way it would be something him and Pam would have to deal with as a team. "Thanks Mom." He leaned over giving his mom a hug and a kiss on the cheek, feeling a little better than he had when he first came out.
"You're welcome dear; now, go on inside and get some rest."
"You're not coming inside?" Ralph asked standing up to leave.
Paula shook her head and picked up the book she had set down earlier. "No, I'm going to read some...That is why I came out here in the first place you know."
"Oh I see..." Ralph pretended to be hurt as he continued. "You just wanted to get me to leave so you can read your book in peace."
"Well of course dear, this is a good book ... enjoyed alone thank you," Paula said playing along feigning shock. "Now you go on in. I think your wife needs someone to keep her warm on these cool summer nights." Paula laughed, opening the book and leaning back in her chair, not missing the fact her son blushed at the comment and continued. "Don't be embarrassed Ralph, I may be your mother, old and a widow but I haven't forgotten what goes on in the bedroom behind the closed doors of young couples."
Ralph felt his face grow hot, and wondered if he was blushing as red as the suit. "Good night Mom," he said sheepishly, shaking his head and opened the door to go inside.
"Goodnight dear," Paula replied, "Give Pam a kiss goodnight for me." Ralph blushed again at the comment earning a laugh from his mom as he entered the house.