Getting on the ship, that was easy. Hell, even seeing Joker at the helm was no surprise, though it still bugged Kaidan that he seemed to know more about the mission (or pretended to) that Kaidan seemed to. He'd have to have a word with Liara the next time he saw her - if there was one thing Kaidan Alenko hated; it was being kept out of the loop. He had been taken by surprise on Horizon before, and he had vowed that he would never be in that situation again, and he had been surprisingly good at achieving that.
Until now. Now, he'd just have to tuck his tail between his legs and get over it, or it was going to be a very long trip. Of course, it was going to be a very long trip anyway. With FTL not working as it used to, they were back to spending a week getting to one relay, and a week could be a long time if he was left alone with his thoughts.
Kaidan ended up sharing stories with Joker, catching up with him (and dodging demands to pay up on the bets that he lost, that was for another time) before he headed to his quarters. This wasn't the Normandy, and it never could be - the Normandy held too many good and bad memories to ever fully be recreated. The Normandy was more than a ship; it was almost a part of life that Kaidan didn't know he missed so badly.
As much as he didn't want to dwell on the past that was exactly what he was doing. He didn't need to be in the old ship to know that he carried everything with him these days, and that all weighed heavily on his shoulders. It was what drove him to drink a little heavier, gamble, and spend most of his time trying to fight off his frustrations in the arena. There was a time and a place for giving up and moving on but Kaidan had never fully achieved that. He was a man who was riddled with the sometimes pathetic notion of hope, and it was that one emotion that seemed to always be his undoing.
Once he reached his quarters, he looked out the window at the vast space that surrounded their ship. It wasn't like the windows of the Normandy, but it was something. Of course, it would never be quite like the real thing.
"Kaidan?" Jennifer Shepard asked as she walked into the room, drawing Kaidan's attention to her. He had been leaning on the window, looking out to the stars and planets around them – the ones he could see and the ones that he couldn't but he knew they were out there. He cleared his throat as he turned around.
"Shepard. Uh, hey. How are you?"
She seemed stressed out, she seemed lost, and Kaidan watched her carefully as she walked over to him, and took a seat on one of the couches in the observatory that faced the window. She seemed a lesser version of herself, but one Kaidan still knew and loved. He knew that face. He knew those reactions. "Do you ever wonder if what we're doing, if it's worth it?"
Perhaps he didn't know this part exactly. This was new. "Well, I think everyone knows what we're fighting for now, everyone is fighting for the same thing—" He started as he walked over to her, sitting next to her, and she interrupted.
"I meant us. Being together. Is it worth it?" Her voice seemed to break a little as she spoke, and Kaidan was quick to wrap an arm around her shoulders.
"Yes. It is worth it." He said, with confidence and all the strength that he had.
"Why?" She asked, looking up at him, brushing her hair behind her ears as she spoke.
Kaidan shrugged, "Because we're fighting for our future together, Shepard. We're…there has to be something more than the life we've been living because we deserve so much more than what we have." He raised a hand, a finger tracing her cheek, before he cupped her chin in his hand, "Because I love you, and because I lost you once and I refuse to ever lose you again."
Jennifer seemed to accept that as an answer, as she smiled softly, and Kaidan dipped his head to catch her lips with his, kissing her passionately to prove his point. The kiss didn't last long until she had shifted to straddle Kaidan's lap, his hands moving under her shirt, fingers relishing in the cool touch of her skin and-
Kaidan's omnitool flashed, shocking him out of his daydream and he cleared his throat, as he sat down on his bunk. A message from Samantha popped up, demanding to know what was going on, where he went, and why couldn't he leave any more information? Frustrated, he told her what he could tell her. Just that he had something come up, it was important, and she didn't need to know any additional information. She didn't accept this as an answer.
Eventually Joker's voice came over the intercom, "Uh, Kaidan? Why is Traynor telling me that I'm a filthy liar that she could destroy with a toothbrush? Does she know that toothbrush thing only worked once?"
"Just…sorry Joker, just ignore her, okay?" Kaidan sighed, turning off the intercom before sending a quick letter to Samantha, I swear this is all I can tell you right now, I'm okay. I'm in…well I'm in okay hands? Decent hands. Let's go with decent. I'll be fine. Despite the fact that Samantha and Kaidan never talked much while they were roommates together they were still looking out for each other. It was more than what Kaidan could say Miranda had. As far as Kaidan knew, Miranda Lawson had absolutely no one. Maybe that was why she had come to him – she knew there was no one she could turn to.
That had to be a sad existence to have.
After an hour, Kaidan was finally able to get Samantha leave him alone, and once again he was alone in his room.
It still struck him as odd that Miranda had come to him for help – yes, he was the last person to really be with Shepard, running with her towards the end until Jennifer sent him back on the Normandy, but did Miranda really want Kaidan's help? Or was it to just see if he could get himself back in the game? Kaidan knew Liara well enough, and he knew she'd do anything she could to get Kaidan to realize he was a better person than he currently thought he was – something Jennifer did quite a lot.
There was one thing that Kaidan never could forgive himself for, and it was his treatment of Shepard on Horizon. He had written her letters, he had written letters that he had sent and there were countless more that he didn't send, and those were the worst ones of all. He thought he could spend the rest of his life apologizing for how he treated her, and he had been determined to do so.
When he awoke at Huerta Memorial to see Jennifer sitting next to him waiting for him to wake up, it was honestly a surprise. Had he really deserved to have her by his side after everything? He had thought he lost her, he had seen her get spaced. Seeing her as Cerberus, it didn't seem right. Now, seeing her back with the Alliance? Seeing her alive, and being a part of her crew? It had been a lot of emotions that he hadn't been prepared for.
"Shepard? I…"
Jennifer smiled softly, placing her hand over Kaidan's, "It's okay. I'm here."
"No, I," He struggled to sit up, but managed to do so slightly, inhaling sharply, "I want to apologize."
"Apologize for what? You didn't know she was a robot…"
"For Horizon," Kaidan managed to get out, and Jennifer looked away from Kaidan for a moment, but she squeezed his hand lightly.
Kaidan heard her soft sigh, and watched her as she looked back up to him, "You don't have to. I would have reacted the same way."
"Shepard, you don't know that. Nothing…nothing was right in how I acted. But I just want you to know that…" He coughed and Jennifer nodded, but she didn't interrupt him, "There was never anyone else for me. I tried. I went on a few dates, but no one held a torch to you."
Jennifer's smile faded slightly, though it had been a sudden change, and was gone as soon as it had happened. "Kaidan…"
Kaidan closed his eyes, sighing deeply. He ran a hand through his hair before unceremoniously letting his hand drop to his knee. He couldn't dwell on the past. Yes, he had his demons, but he was working past them. He had gotten past Shepard. He had moved on. Or, he had lied to himself, letting himself feel as though he had been ready to move on when he had been anything but.
Maybe Miranda sensed that.
Maybe Kaidan was giving her a little too much credit.
That had to be it. There was no way that Miranda knew Shepard better than he did. He had spent years with her before Miranda even showed up. Yes, Miranda had 'rebuilt her' or whatever Cerberus did, and Kaidan was still strange around Miranda for that, but Jennifer was so very much still her that it all seemed okay in the end. Miranda didn't know what it was like to be with Shepard on an intimate level as Kaidan had. He knew more of the Commander than anyone else did, and that was why it had been so hard to let her go.
So when he had gotten Jennifer back the first time, when he finally realized it was her that he was with, that had been it. She had always been enough for him.
Kaidan couldn't help but laugh after, once their breaths had calmed down, their chests were not rising and falling as hard as they were, once they weren't screaming out each other names in ecstasy. Though he had to admit, he'd give everything to hear Jennifer moan his name again just as she had moments before, and the thought of it just served to get him excited all over again.
Jennifer noticed this and laughed, "Already? Kaidan!"
"What!" He protested, laughing, as he grabbed at her and pulled her close to him, wrapping his arms around her, "It's not my fault you're so irresistible."
"I think you're just a horny bastard."
"I'm your horny bastard, I think, Commander."
"Damn fucking straight you are," she grinned, her nose scrunching up slightly as she did so. Her hair fell from behind her shoulders, the ends brushing against Kaidan's chest, and he pulled her down closer to him, catching her in an inviting kiss. She seemed caught up in it until she laughed and pushed away, "I know what you're doing!"
"Do you?" He laughed, his right hand trailing down her bare arm onto her bare back, fingers tapping little beats on her lower back. He watched her facial features for a moment, memorizing the pink in her cheeks, the way she smiled at him, the look in her eye she had when she looked at him. This was love. This was coming home and never wanting to leave again. This was everything Kaidan never knew he wanted, and now that he had it, he would never let it go. He'd never let her out of his sight again.
"What?" She asked, biting her lower lip, "You're staring at me."
Kaidan brought his hand back to her face, his thumb tracing over her lips, "I'm just lucky I have you," he said, and Jennifer grinned, and then pinched his arm.
"Don't get all sappy on me!"
Kaidan laughed, "Then you want me to get rough with you?" He grinned deviously and flipped her on her back, getting on top of her, kissing her hard, his hands-
"Kaidan, it's ready now!" The intercom came back on, and Kaidan groaned, muttering under his breath. He cleared his throat, looking at the intercom on the wall.
"Joker…what are you talking about?"
"You asked me to let you know when that gym was ready for you, just got word that it was."
"Oh…uh…thanks."
"Yeah, don't go thanking the messenger or anything, I'm only doing what you asked. Jesus." The intercom clicked off and Kaidan stood up, and stretched his arms over his head.
He wasn't getting anything done by thinking of the past, he had to focus on the future if he was going to help Shepard at all. If he was going to prove himself again, he had to focus. So if this meant the gym, then so be it.
Of course, he was never one to want to fight alone, especially when apparently being left alone with his thoughts was only serving to confuse him and make him just want to live in the past permanently. Sighing, Kaidan adjusted himself, getting more comfortable and stretched a bit before allowing himself to leave his quarters. That was the last thing he needed to be teased about.
Eventually and before he knew it, he was bounding down the hall to where Miranda was, and reluctantly knocked on her door a few times until it opened. ""Do you need something?" she questioned. Kaidan watched her for a moment, wondering if he was interrupting something, but thought better of asking that question.
Sighing, Kaidan lifted a hand to run through his hair. "No… yeah, do you want to spar?" The look on Miranda's face was one of confusion, but he didn't care. "Come on, you want me to prove that I'm good enough to fight, then let me prove it to you."
Much to his surprise, she agreed.