Author's note: I was spending some much needed time with my family and so, you've all had to wait a bit for this next chapter. The good thing is, it's a loooong one. Even better, I'm working on Chapter 7 and with luck and another sleepless night, I hope to have it up tomorrow...fingers most definitely and tightly crossed! Thanks to all of you for your patience.:)
Yes, I'm still out here and I still have lots of ideas! Grab some popcorn, sit back, enjoy and ever and always let me know what you think:) I'm gonna sit back for a moment and watch the sun rise...:) It's been a long but productive night:).
Update - can hardly wait to get moved, not have to work so much and spend those wonderful, magical nights just writing and writing and writing...Back for sure in October:).Okay, make that December:)
Chapter 6
Indulging in a bath instead of showering had been a big mistake.
How long had it been since I'd done this? Even I couldn't remember. Never had a tub like this. So deep that I had to hang on to the sides to keep from floating away. So just made for lounging with its sloping back. The water was hot and steaming, the oil I'd added to it causing the water to bead on my skin, filling the room and my senses with its spicy, woodsy scent.
The whole experience was decadent. Sensual…and invited deliciously wicked thoughts about Walt. It was hard enough to shower, running the soap over my body and imagining that it was Walt's hands on me, but this, this went so far beyond that!
All I could say was that it was a good thing I'd taken care of all the other details before I'd decided to fill up the tub! Once I'd slipped in to it, I was a goner…
It had to be almost time for Walt to be strolling in the door.
I should be out there, dressed and ready to greet him. Up until the bath, I'd been having trouble deciding just what exactly to be wearing to welcome him home. It had been a toss-up between just the sexy lingerie I'd bought or the sexy lingerie underneath an equally sexy one-shoulder, tight-fitting black dress I had. It all depended on whether or not I wanted to be suggestive in my desire for him or just plain blatant.
If I went with just the lingerie, I knew supper would end up being breakfast; he'd never be able to resist the garter-belt and silk stockings! If I threw the dress on over top of it, the outcome might be more interesting. He very rarely ever saw me in a dress to begin with, and the one I had in mind was not just any dress! There was something about having one shoulder completely exposed, the slit up the other side equally exposing a good length of thigh…and Walt loved my legs!
In that get-up, I could tease him. We'd sit down to a candle-lit supper, but could I really sit across from him, chowing down on one of those magnificent t-bones Henry had left with me? Somehow, I doubted it. I'd be watching him eat. I'd be watching him open his mouth for every bite, watching him take a swallow of his beer, his Adam's apple moving up and down. Watching his big hands manipulating the silverware and the table would go flying, the food would wind up all over the place and I'd be on him like white on rice!
The plain and simple truth was that no matter what I wore, or didn't wear, supper was doomed. I missed him like crazy and from our conversation, he felt the same way, too. I should've just planned a magnificent breakfast instead…
And here I was, lounging in the tub.
Maybe it was better if he just came home and found me here. Why not? The tub was big enough; he'd fit. We'd already tried out his old shower, why not the new tub? Then, on to the new shower come the morning? They were about the only two places left in this cabin where we hadn't made love…
'Made love'…Oh, my God!
Once upon a time, I'd been stupid enough to insist that what we did had been nothing more than fucking each other! "Fucking each other's brains out" had been my exact words. How stupid was I? More afraid than stupid, for sure. So afraid to take that last step in truly giving myself to him. How the hell had he ever found it in himself to forgive me? Because he loved me. That's what he'd told me. He loved me enough to let me work it all out on my own…
And without his love, I'd be lost.
"Oh, Walt…"
I couldn't help but say his name out loud. He filled me up, in all ways. In my body, my mind, my senses and that refrain from a song I didn't even know the rest of the words to filled my head…
"I don't want anybody else. When I think about you I touch myself…" and I did just that. Ran a hand up my thigh, imagining it was his hand. Ran it up and over my breasts, imagining his mouth there, unable to let go of the side of the tub with the other one, knowing I'd slip under the water if I did. It felt alright…but then, there was another line…ain't nothin' like the real thing, baby…and whether that was another song or just some commercial I'd heard, the words were true.
I could imagine and touch myself all I wanted to, but without Walt, it all seemed pointless. It was more than just a physical wanting when I thought of him. It was that sacredness that came with his touch, that thing that was between us, too big to define with mere words, too intense to even try describing.
That word Henry had said…me'esesvotse…did it have something to do with what was between Walt and I? Was it the Cheyenne equivalent of 'this is fuckin' awesome'?
I had to laugh at that. Couldn't imagine Henry ever saying anything like that, no matter what the language. That I'd actually remembered the whole word/phrase surprised me; yay me!
The laughter died, but not the smile on my face. Whatever it was between Walt and I, all I knew for sure was that he definitely brought out the woman in me! Made me glad, for the first time in my life, that I'd been born female. All I'd needed was a real man to make me feel like a real woman…
…and oh, what would my mother have to say about that?
That's when my smile faded.
She'd tried so hard to make me act like a girl, to be her perfect daughter, her little princess. I suppose that I couldn't blame her; I was her only daughter, surrounded by four boys….but in my opinion, she'd tried too hard. Her efforts, her remarks had only made me feel bad about myself. Made me feel like a failure, made me do anything I could to give her reason to be so fed-up with me. I was my daddy's little girl, for sure. He accepted me, never tried to change me, but my mom!
Yeah, if she could see me now, she'd be calling me out for being with someone so much older than I was, maybe even tell me I had 'daddy' issues and maybe in some fucked up way, I did, but I wasn't totally buying that. Walt could be my age, could be younger than I was; it didn't matter. Walt would be who he was, no matter….and Walt would always be exactly what I needed. Nothing my mother could say would ever change my mind about that!
Through my brother, Michael, I knew she was pissed and disappointed with me for divorcing Sean; that just wasn't the Catholic way to do things! She'd have a goddamned heart attack if she knew I was 'living in sin' with Walt. Maybe I should call her up and tell her, just to get her off my back once and for all. As far as she was concerned, I'd been on the road to Hell since the day I was born and maybe I had been before I'd met Walt. I'd done some things, been in situations, been in bad places and once, I'd dragged my mother in to one of those situations….and where had her Catholic morals gone then?
I couldn't think about that! What I'd done, how it had ended…it had cost me a future I hadn't know I'd wanted until I met Walt, until I slept with him, fucked him, made love with him. I know it had been the defining moment for my mother, when all she'd foreseen about me came true and I couldn't deny it, but the fault wasn't all mine! If she'd just let me be, let me live, let me be who I was instead of who she wanted me to be, none of it would have happened…or maybe it still might have, but if she'd only loved me, we could have made it through all that.
Now, I hardly spoke to her. I never initiated it, anyway. If she called, sometimes I'd answer. More times than not, I wouldn't. I was truly waiting for that Italian moment when I became 'dead' to her. There was a part of me, a very spiteful part of me, that wanted to throw Walt in her face. Wanted to tell her that I finally knew more about being a woman than she ever would! Wanted to rub it in her face that unlike her relationship with my father, I didn't need babies or proper manners or the missionary position to hang on to my man!
All us kids knew about my father's affairs and I, for one, didn't blame him! My parents should have divorced years and years ago, but oh, no, that wasn't the Catholic way to do things! The Catholic way seemed to be to suffer, to go through life setting impossible standards, unable to meet them no matter how hard you tried. Sweeping indiscretions under the rug, along with a shit-load of sins and showing the world that holier-than-thou face instead. At least, that's how it was in my family. Somehow, a week of fasting seemed to erase a year full of sins. Going to confession weekly made everything alright…
I'd finally confessed my sins.
Not to my mother. She kept a list of them in her mental roll-a-dex. Not to a priest. Hadn't been inside a church since I was a teenager. Not to some all-avenging God. I'd confessed them to Walt. On a cold, January night. On the porch of this very cabin. In the dark. In the open air…and he heard my confession and so, too, did the spirits I'd come more to believe in. They believed me, they received me. I'd felt it.
…and Walt. His absolution was worth more to me than any faceless priest telling me to go forth and sin no more. His own sins, buried deep for so long, finally spoken, made me know that I truly wasn't alone, that I wasn't the bad person I'd been made to feel I was. Made me feel I deserved something more, something better, someone better for the first time in my life.
…and that someone better had taken me in his arms, had carried me inside this place, layed me down on the bed with him and let me cry and cry and cry until all the poison that was inside of me was gone. He'd cried, too. Silently, but I felt his tears on my neck as I held him so very close to me. As we held each other like the lost souls we were, clinging to each other, we were sharing parts of ourselves that we'd never shared with anyone else and never would. In the dark and the darkest hours, we gave ourselves to each other beyond the physical. When the morning came, we sealed the deal with our bodies and had been together ever since.
I didn't need anybody else. I had Walt. The Walt that only I knew….and he had me in the same way. Meant to be. Destined to be. Fitting together like the last two pieces in the puzzle of our lives. The last two pieces that had maybe fallen on the floor, been lost under the couch or a rug. Found at last and with an audible sigh of relief and triumph, snapped together to finish the whole thing.
I imagined the Great Spirit working on the puzzle, being pleased with Himself when he got it done. Being satisfied that all was as it should be. I believed in the wider view of the world, the deeper meaning of spirituality versus religion. I believed that everything around me was sacred, alive, living with purpose. I believed that the forests were holy places, the plains, mountains, lakes, rivers and streams were holy places. I believed that a higher power lived inside of me, that I was worthy of life simply by being born. I believed, for the first time in my life…
…and I believed in Walt, the way he believed in me.
Wow, how metaphysical was I getting to be? How profound and deep? Did having a bath do this to everyone? Was this the kind of shit Walt thought about when he drifted away? I had to laugh again, calling all this 'shit' and knowing that no matter what transformation I'd undergone being invited in to Walt's world, I was still myself. Knowing that I fit here just the way I was.
I know both Henry and Walt got a kick out of me trying to describe this new-found world with profanity-laced phrases. What the hell, I yam what I yam….It is what it is, as Henry would say and Walt? He'd just look at both of us in despair while we pushed his buttons. He couldn't hold the look for long, though. In the end, he always gave in to that smile of his. Threw up his hands in resignation and Henry and I would hug him and laugh. I wasn't the only one to go through a transformation.
These days, Walt smiled a lot more. Laughed a lot more. Put up with a lot more. He was easy and relaxed and a little more open with the people he loved. I was so lucky to be one of them…
My life. My world. My Walt…
We'd only been together a month, if you were to measure that in physical intimacy terms, minus this past week that he'd been away, but it felt like we'd been together forever. We would be together, forever! I knew that. And forever truly did mean just that. Through countless lives, past and future, through brightest days and darkness nights…through eternity and for all time.
Damnit, if I kept waxing poetic like this, I'd end up teaching a yoga class or something equally as unlikely for me! But then again, maybe that wasn't so unlikely. I felt like I'd opened a door leading to all kinds of possibilities. For the first time in my life, I felt that I could do or be anything I wanted.
I'd always felt that being a cop had been pre-ordained for me, but now, I wasn't so sure about that. I know Walt felt that same way, too. We'd talked about it. Being together had changed everything. Releasing our pasts had been like saying goodbye to nightmares and welcoming dreams we thought had died with open arms. The whole wide world lay out there before us, just waiting for us to take it on!
Okay, seriously, I had to get out of this damn tub! I was getting more romantic than Walt ever could be and that was almost scary, considering I was supposed to be the practical one. Maybe it would help if I just opened my eyes. Might just get me out of this dreamy state I was in…
…or maybe it was time to going back to imagining Walt finding me here like this. Yeah, there was nothing dreamy about that! Steamy, definitely! Oh, yeah…Walt coming in to the bathroom in search of me. Opening my eyes to find him looking down at me from the doorway, seeing that god-awesome desire in his eyes. Watching them change to that deepest blue. Raking my own eyes over him, every inch of him, standing there. Hungry eyes. Devouring gaze.
Would I stand up and let the water run off my naked body, like Aphrodite rising from the sea? Would I hold my arms open to him, inviting him in to my world of sensual pleasure? It was all Walt's fault for telling me that story. All his fault for comparing me to the goddess of beauty, love and pleasure…
…and if I was his Aphrodite, then he was my Adonis. Handsome beyond description, Desire personified. I'd rise from the water and he'd rise in his pants, blatantly letting me see that bulge that turned me on. Feeling it would be even better. It would make my knees go weak, the way it did when he'd brush up against me in his office.
At work, we tried not to get physical with each other, but more times than not, we failed. He'd call me in to his office on some pretext. I'd get up, leave my desk and know that everyone else knew what was about to happen, but pretending I didn't. I'd close the door behind me, lean against it and watch him get up from behind his desk. It didn't matter if we'd just made love that morning or the night before. He'd stand up, stand tall and his desire was put on full display for me.
He'd start unbuttoning what few buttons remained to be undone on his shirt and I'd watch him while he watched me. I needed the door behind me just to stay upright. I'd feel my heart beat faster, run the tip of my tongue over my lips, like I was starving and he was holding out the best meal ever, just for me.
My hands found their way to the buttons on my own shirt and the air in the room seemed to pulse around us. Eyes locked. Eyes on fire. Bodies feeling each other's vibrations. Which one of us was going to break first? Most times, it was me. One minute, I'd be standing there, testing myself to see how long it would take for me to cave and the next, I'd be across the room in what felt like one big leap, in his arms, on his lap or the edge of the desk, or the couch, tearing at his clothes while he tore at mine.
Our mouths fused together, hot and wet, demanding, exploring, tasting, tempting, teasing. Removing only what clothing was necessary to get at each other, to get him out of his pants and in to mine, in to me! Over in a flash, but never really over. Straightening ourselves up and laughing at the absurdity of it all, thinking we could part and just go about our day. Since that first time New Year's Eve, Walt had warned me that he'd never get enough of me and he was right. I'd never get enough of him, either. Wildfire was not meant to be controlled…
Sometimes, I'd be out on patrol. I'd radio him. He'd come to me. I'd be somewhere deserted. Sometimes, in my truck. Another quickie in the cold. Sometimes, I'd be out at one of the closed campgrounds, the key to one of the cabins held in my hand and we'd go inside. Still not warm, but we'd make it that way soon enough. Those were longer times, loving times…fully naked times. Behaviour completely unbecoming this officer and his gentleman but behaviour neither one of us could deny.
I could hardly wait for this winter to be over. I wanted to find a place outside, under the sun, under the big sky. I wanted to call him there and make love to him in the open…
…but right now, I would settle for Aphrodite and Adonis getting it on!
In my mind, I was standing in this tub, dripping wet in more ways than one and Walt was walking towards me, his shirt open, his hands undoing the buckle on his belt. No hurry. Taking his time. In my mind, I couldn't wait. I stepped out of the tub and met him halfway. Pressed my naked wet self against him and was just standing on my tiptoes to kiss him when –
A loud bang somewhere caused my eyes to fly open, my heart to skip a beat, shattering my fantasy.
I sat up in the tub so fast, causing the water to slosh over the sides of it. I felt my eyes, wide open, my ears the same way, seeking, listening. Waiting on edge. A moment of panic swept through me. I knew where it came from, but couldn't control it.
I jumped out of the tub, threw on my robe and hurried out to the bedroom. Grabbed my gun off the nightstand. Released the safety. Stood there on high-alert. Felt the knot in the pit of my stomach. Felt that remembered fear fill me, bringing a sense of nausea with it. Felt myself going light-headed.
"Calm the fuck down," I told myself.
It was just a noise. No big deal. Worthy of investigation, sure, but no big fuckin' deal. I willed myself to relax the death-grip I had on my gun. Keep it ready, just in case, but don't be hysterical about it! For all I knew, it was Walt out there and wouldn't that be a sight to see, me pointing a loaded gun at his head? Some not sexy welcome home that would be!
That thought, that image, should've made me laugh, but it didn't. I knew where this intense reaction was coming from and why, but I couldn't control it, not completely. I'd thought I was over all that, but obviously, I wasn't. I was alone. Something had made that big bang! It reminded me of a trap door slamming shut, a body hitting the hard cement ground…
My heart slammed in my chest. I was almost gasping, trying to breathe. I felt remembered horror and for a moment, stinging tears blurred my vision.
"Calm. The. Fuck. Down!"
It better not be Walt out there because I couldn't keep myself from straight-arming my gun out in front of me, my finger dangerously close to the trigger. Couldn't stop my shaking legs from taking one step, then another, moving from the bedroom to the living room. Couldn't quite hold the gun steady, but trying to.
There was only one small lamp lit up in the living room and the fire had burned down to glowing embers. Shadows lurked all around me. I recalled Henry warning me that bad spirits were around us, always and I swear to God I could feel them pressing against me as I swept the room. As far as I could tell, everything appeared normal.
I knew I was over-reacting, but couldn't pull back.
The only light in the kitchen was coming from over the stove. I hit the overhead light and sure enough, everything looked just the way I'd left it. I was just about to let my guard down, let out my breath when the bang came again. I jumped. It was coming from outside.
I pushed aside one of the curtains and took a look, turned on the outside light. The weather had certainly changed since I'd stood out on the porch, saying goodbye to Henry. The storm he'd predicted had arrived. Whether the snow was falling or just being blown around was hard to tell. The wind was ferocious!
The trees around the cabin swayed. I could hear the gate to the corral rattling against its latch. One of the wooden chairs on the deck had been swept over…and maybe that had been the bang I'd heard. I kept listening. The trees were creaking, the gate was still rattling and the wind was howling…but no more bangs.
I glanced at the clock on the wall. Dismayed, alarmed, I saw that Walt's two hours were up. A new panic filled me…or maybe it was just more of the old panic. Same source, same fear.
"It's okay," I told myself.
If Walt had run in to this storm, he'd be forced to slow down. He'd be smart, drive carefully, maybe even pull over if it was that bad. He knew more about driving in this kind of weather than I did, even after all my years here.
Just watching the snow blow around made me shiver. Hearing the wind howl around the cabin and down the chimney like a banshee creeped me out. Everything was okay, right? Walt was fine, he had to be. He would be!
I set my gun down on the counter, satisfied that I didn't need it. No intruder lurked in the cabin. Only the wind, knocking things around. Only the wind blowing through me, making me anxious. In truth, Walt would be pushing it on the best of days to get back in two hours and this was the worst of nights, so it made sense that he'd be late. No need to panic. No need to worry, but I did.
Something was wrong.
In an effort to convince myself otherwise, I went back to the bedroom, to get dressed, to make myself ready. Walt would be here, just a little later than anticipated. I'd stayed too long in that damn tub anyway. No playing Aphrodite tonight. Go with plan A, the little black dress.
I managed to get the red, silky, see-thru bra on, along with the matching thong, but that was as far as I got before that nagging feeling hit me again.
Something was wrong.
I drifted to the closet. Thumbed through Walt's shirts, trying to calm myself, trying to bring him closer to me. I took one out. It was the dark one, brown almost black, that I loved so much on him. The soft one. I held it up to my face, wanting to take in the scent of him, but the only scent I caught was the laundry detergent and that somehow made me sad. I felt the tears slip from my eyes.
Without really thinking about it, only knowing that I wanted him close, I slipped it on. A thousand miles too big for me, but I didn't care. I did it up anyway. The tears kept coming.
Something was wrong.
Why the hell had I never bought him a cell phone? If I had, I could call him now. Could hear his voice, would know he was okay. If I really wanted to, I could call the office, get Branch to radio him, patch me through, but that would be panicking, wouldn't it? Besides, with this weather, it was possible that I wouldn't be able to get through to him anyway and then I'd totally freak out! I was being silly, emotional and totally irrational.
Nothing was wrong!
Only the wind. Only the chill it brought with it. Nothing but one of those out of nowhere storms that happened around here. Hell, if it was that bad, Walt might not even make it home tonight at all. He'd turn back or pull off in to one of the smaller towns along the way, check in to a motel and find a way to call me.
Sure, I'd be disappointed as hell, but knowing he was safe would be all that really mattered. Knowing it would be the biggest relief right now. I glanced at the bedside clock. Two hours and twenty minutes…
I was freezing. The fire needed to be brought back to life. That meant I'd have to go out and get more wood. Instead of the black dress, I pulled on a pair of thick, dark brown leggings, a pair of socks, just as thick. Maybe there was still a log or two inside. I didn't want to go out there.
Something was wrong.
I couldn't ignore it any more. I could tell myself anything, but I couldn't keep fooling myself. I felt like puking. I felt weak and shaky. I felt poised on the edge of exploding, shattering. Something was wrong with Walt! Something bad.
The certainty of it made me jump to my feet, which made me almost faint. I honestly saw stars for a moment and I staggered. Caught the dresser to keep from falling. I wasn't crazy about going out there for firewood, even though Henry had stacked some on the porch, but nothing was going to stop me from going out there to find Walt!
Just as I thought that, there was a pounding on the door. No casual 'may I come in' knock, but a full-on wake-the-dead hammering and then a voice, shouting my name.
"No!" The word, the denial, slipped from my lips and I held on to the dresser for dear life. I couldn't stand up!
One more shout and then the door flung open. Of all people, it was Branch, stepping inside, closing the door behind him, looking around. I must've made a sound. He looked right at me. We faced each other across the living room. I didn't need to hear what he was going to say; I saw it all on his face.
I lost it then. I fell to the floor on my hands and knees. I wailed like a crazy woman. I kept repeating no, over and over again until my stomach clenched and I gagged. Not much to throw up. I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast, but still my body insisted on purging itself.
I felt just like I had in that fucking bomb-shelter at Chance's place. When that body bag had hit the ground and I thought it was Walt. Only this time, maybe it was!
"Oh, God! Oh, no!"
All that trauma, all those emotions, all that endless grief; it all came back to me. I was there, but I was here. It hadn't been Walt in that body bag, but maybe this time it was.
"Just don't black out!" I ordered myself.
"Vic!"
Branch was beside me now, trying to help me up.
"Don't touch me!" I screamed at him.
I pushed him away so hard that he fell on his back. I jumped to my feet, ran to the kitchen. Grabbed the keys to the truck.
"Where is he?" I demanded.
"In Hardin," Branch replied as he got to his feet.
"And just where the fuck is that?"
"About an hour north of the border."
"Is he…is he..dead?" I could barely get the words out but I had to know.
"No! No, but it's not good. The connection was bad. He was asking for you…"
"Who told you this?"
"Like I said, the connection was lousy. I think they were taking him to the O.R. He's in Bighorn County Memorial. You're supposed to get a hold of Tracy McKay there."
"Why didn't you just call and tell me this, Branch?" I demanded, yanking on my coat, pulling on my boots.
"Why drive all the way out here and waste precious fucking time?"
"I was on my way in when the call came, Vic. It's only been five, maybe ten minutes. I came here, to take you to Walt."
"You aren't taking me anywhere, you fucker!"
Old feelings all stirred up. Branch had changed, he really had. Since shooting his dad, since Barlow's death in prison, since he'd gotten counselling for all his issues, since Walt had taken him back, since Branch had willingly accepted his guidance and mentorship with sincere gratitude and humility. He'd changed…but to me, in this moment, he was still the little prick who'd done whatever he could to force Walt out, to question his authority, to put him in danger. To me, he was still the little prick who'd tried to kill me with his bare hands and why not? I was back there in Chance's bomb shelter, thinking Walt was dead!
I was standing in this kitchen, hearing what sounded like he was dying. Knowing in my entire being that he probably was and if I was being hard on Branch, so what? I didn't give a FUCK! Why couldn't it have been Ferg coming to me with the news?
Not that I would've reacted any differently, but I might have been calmer. No, probably not…Maybe it was better that it was Branch. I could use all the anger I'd ever felt towards him to keep myself from losing it again. If I lost it, I'd be done….
"You can't go by yourself. You can't drive like this.."
"You little shit! You useless turd! You mother-fucking sonofabitch, don't you DARE tell me what I can or can't do! Don't you even THINK about trying to stop me!"
The words just flew from my mouth without any thought at all, at least where Branch was concerned. All I could think about was Walt. All I didn't want to think about was his dying. All I had to keep me moving was my anger. I could lose it this way, but if I truly lost it, I'd be done…
I yanked open the door. A gust of wind blew snow at me just as Branch grabbed my arm. I turned, I swung and I punched him right in the face. He staggered backwards, but kept a hold on me. He didn't try to retaliate. He just pointed past me. Pointed to my truck buried under a foot of snow and his car, cleared off and running.
"FUCK!"
I had no choice; I had to go with him. I grabbed two things off the counter and shoved them in my coat pockets before racing off the porch, jumping to the driveway. I heard the cabin door slam and Branch was right behind me. I went to the driver's door. He grabbed me again.
"Vic, I'm so sorry…" and his voice actually cracked. So did my palm, against the side of his face.
"YOU don't get to be sorry, Branch! You should've been sorry a long time ago! You hurt Walt, you hurt me and if you don't take your fuckin' hand off me, I'm gonna HURT you!"
"You hit me one more time and I'll leave you here, Vic! I swear to God I will! I can't change what happened and I'm so sorry for it all. So sorry for this" and my god, he was crying.
"If I could've picked my father, I would've picked Walt. I owe him my life. I owe him everything…and I love him…"
He stood there, looking down at me. I saw the truth in his eyes. I saw the truth in his tears, but I couldn't break.
"If you love him, then get in this thing and let's get to him."
I went to the passenger side. Branch wiped the tears from his eyes. I got in. So did he. He hit the lights and sirens and we were off. He grabbed the mic.
"Ruby, we're on our way. Those plows out?"
"Roger on that, Branch. Just heard form Mitch. The storm's tapering off the closer you get to the border. You should be able to go full-out once you hit the highway."
"Roger that. Any word from Montana?"
"Negative…not at this time…"
Ruby's voice tapered off. She'd been trying her hardest to sound professional, unaffected, but I knew she wasn't. It was beginning to show. I wanted to talk to her, but if I did, I'd lose it. If I lost it, I'd be gone…
"You, uh, you be safe out there, Branch. Just get Vic to Walt…and let me know what's up when you can…"
Hardly standard radio talk, but thankfully, most departments were implementing less use of codes and more 'normal' speak. I wished all I was hearing was codes. It would somehow make this less real, less…personal. Branch must have been feeling the same way.
'Affirmative, Ruby. Will do. Over."
And that was it. Just the wail of the sirens, the flashing of the lights, the blinding daggers of snow coming straight for us, the wipers marking time with their rhythmic slap, slap, slap.
Time, passing. Time, slipping away. How much time was there? Would we make it in time? Would be able to buy some time?
"Can't we just fly out?" I asked.
"I already checked with Omar. No one's flying anywhere in this. I tried, Vic, I really did…"
I looked at him then, at his profile, lit up by the dash lights. Could see that he was going to have a nice shiner where my fist had met his face. A part of me felt bad about that. Just a small part, though. The majority of me was with Walt, wondering, worrying, fearing…and I felt my stomach heave again. I gagged, leaned forward and brought a hand to my mouth. I felt Branch slow down.
"No! Keep going!"
Time was slipping away. Couldn't waste it. I rolled down the window. Stuck my head out in to the frigid wind and snow and puked down the side of the car. Fortunately, the wind whipped it sideways and not back in at me. I felt my hair clip tug and then it was gone. The hair in my face kept the snow from hurting quite so much when it hit me. My tears froze on my cheeks.
"Vic? Vic?"
Branch was tapping my shoulder. I pulled my head back in the car and took the napkin he was holding out to me. I wiped my face. I moved. I acted. I responded…but it all felt so mechanical. It all felt so empty. If Walt died, I'd die, too…I swear I felt something break inside of me.
No, I couldn't think that way! I couldn't, I wouldn't give up hope. If I did, I'd lose it. If I lost it, I'd be gone. If I lost it, HE'D be gone…and I wasn't going to let that happen!
"I'm sorry I hit you, Branch…"
The words seem to come from a million miles away. Soft. Emotionless. I could only stare down at my hands, fiddling with the crumpled up napkin.
"I'm sorry I said those things about you…"
"It's okay, Vic…Everything's going to be okay. Walt's tough. He'll make it", but I heard the doubt in his voice, felt it in my soul. Blindly, I reached out. He met my hand with one of his. It was just for a moment. A slight squeeze was all he could afford. The road was slippery and he needed both hands on the wheel. In that moment, I'd felt a connection. We were two wounded warriours, our common goal to find the head of our tribe and be there for him. Don't know exactly what Walt was to Branch, but things were not as they had been between the two of them. Maybe he was like a father to Branch now. To me, he was my lover, my life, my world…
I'd known something was wrong. Would I know it if he slipped away? I had to believe I would. I had to believe I'd feel it, because I wasn't feeling it, not now, not yet.
If he was gone, I'd be lost. If I was lost, I'd never find my way back. I'd go insane. I'd go with him…Being without him would be worse than Death itself. That's how I felt.
Not yet. Not like this. Not so far away from me…
I wished Henry were here with us. He'd know what to say, what to do. Should I call him? I checked my pockets. I didn't have my cell phone. What I did have was my gun in one pocket, the dreamcatcher in the other. I'd grabbed it because…because…I didn't really know why. It had just seemed important. I wrapped my hand around it.
We were on the highway now, the cabin far behind us. True to Ruby's words, the snow was letting up, a little. Branch had been driving fast. Now, he was driving faster. The car wasn't sliding as much anymore. The miles slipped by beneath us. I held it together. If I lost it, I'd be done…
I propped on arm on the window ledge, rested my head against it. Watched the miles fly by through the passenger window, not really seeing anything. Not that there was anything to see. Just as well. I could feel myself turning inwards, could feel myself trying desperately to latch on to something, anything that was better than this.
Good memories to quell the anxiety. Good thoughts to combat the bad. Good days when the sun was shining, when the wind was non-existent and the day was warm. A day with Walt, big as life and mad as hell…
XXXXXXXXXXXX
Driving from Durant to Casper was boring enough the first time around but to drive back from Casper to Durant was beyond fucking boring! I was pretty sure Walt was punishing me somehow by making me go there. So, I'd been the arresting officer, so I'd had to go to court. On the surface, it all looked innocent and right enough, but I still wasn't convinced that Walt wasn't behind the whole thing in some way. He could be such a prick when he wanted to be, but he was a cute prick, so I didn't get too mad about it. Bored with it, yes!
So, here I was, cruising up the highway. Sun shining, blue skies, highway going straight on forever. Had the Ray-Bans on, the air-conditioning cranked. I just wanted to get home, get my reports over and done with and go for a hike, a run, anything that involved actual physical movement, not just sitting here.
The one bright spot about this whole trip was that I was driving my brand spanking new truck! My old one had been used in a road block and I'd been with Walt to watch its demise. That cow cop, forget his name, had slammed right in to the thing and totalled it, killing himself in the process. He'd been trying to kill the guy with him, but that hadn't worked out. Not a pretty sight, not a good ending to that particular story and not what Walt had envisioned happening, but the guy had made his choice. In the process, he'd wrecked my Chevy. I'd grown kind of fond of that thing. Oh, well…out with the old and in with the new.
This 'new' was a Dodge Ram 1500, with all the bells and whistles. Nice leather seats, big old console for storing all my shit, compartments down either side of the box for storing all my 'police' shit, a radio that actually worked and a fuckin' awesome GPS nav system! I didn't get lost anymore, which kind of ended that bit of humour for Walt and the rest of them.
Branch had been so pissed when he'd seen my truck. I know Ferg was envious, but too nice to say anything about it. Branch, on the other hand, had ranted and raved to Walt, which was about the same as ranting and raving to a stone. He'd ranted and raved to me, in private, calling me Walt's 'favourite'. I told him to go fuck himself! He really should've seen that one coming a mile away!
So what if I was Walt's favourite? If kicking his ass and calling him on his bullshit made me his fave, I'd take it. If being his fave meant I got this new truck, then maybe it was about time the other two started standing up to Walt, like I did, instead of being so damn afraid of him. Even Branch. He could swagger all he wanted, puff out his chest like a damn penguin, preen around like a peacock, but in the end, he was scared of Walt. A lot of history between those two. A lot of bad feelings, but still, why be afraid of him? He was basically a pussy cat in lion's clothes. I wasn't afraid of him. Not like that, anyway.
The only thing I was afraid of when it came to Walt was the way he made me feel. I was pretty sure he wasn't even aware of it, let alone responsible for it. I was, after all, a married woman, but that didn't' mean I was dead or that I was blind!
Walt Longmire was one fine looking man!
Tall, rugged, handsome beyond belief. The most interesting blue eyes I'd ever seen and trust me, around here, I was surrounded by blue eyes! Everyone in the department had them but me and still, I found Walt's to be the most amazing. Not necessarily for their brilliance, but for their depth and the way they changed colour, depending on his mood.
He had a head of light brown hair just begging to be rumpled; thick and probably too long, but I liked it. He had nice features, strong features, little lines and furrows around his eyes, probably caused by so much time outdoors and peering in to the distance the way he did when he was thinking.
A nice nose, a good, strong jaw, nice teeth. Always a good day's growth of whiskers on that nice jaw of his, just begging to be touched….and touch them, he did! It was weird, but I liked watching him run his hand over those whiskers, liked to hear them rasp when we were in his truck together. I wanted to touch them…but I never would. I'd dream about it, think about it, but never act on it! I was married after all, just not dead.
Walt had a way of dressing for comfort more than style. He tended towards button down shirts, always left tantalizingly open to mid-chest, but I honestly believed he did it more as an expression of freedom than some kind of display. Display his softly curling chest hairs it did, though….and I wondered how soft those babies would be. If they tickled.
Sean wasn't hairy like that. Smooth as the proverbial baby's bottom and I always thought I liked my men that way, until I'd met Walt. Sean was all corporate; suits and ties, manicures and haircuts, dress shoes and socks that matched his dress pants. Perfectly handsome in his own way…
…but there was something wilder about Walt and his button up jeans, faded and loose. Something earthy about his dusty, well-worn boots and that hat he wore, the way he tilted his head when he put it on or took it off, the way it caused a shadow to fall across his eyes at a certain angle. There was something relaxed about him, something comfortable and honest. He was a man at ease in his own body.
It showed in the way he moved. Easy. Loose. Unhurried. He spoke much the same way and that voice of his! The first time I'd heard it, I'd thought of quiet thunder drifting across the sky. I'd even nicknamed him ThunderSpeaks, making sure to never call him that out loud.
That voice! It just topped off everything he was so perfectly. He was a man of the earth. That's the best way I could describe him. A man at home with the elements, with nature. In tune with the world around him. Not necessarily the people around him, but definitely the world that surrounded him. Wyoming born and bred. Blue skies, rolling plains, curving hills, hard, majestic mountains that took your breath away…
Oh, yeah, Walt was one awesome package….and I felt drawn to him. That's why I was afraid of him. If there was ever a man who'd make me think twice about being married to Sean, it was Walt Longmire. I think the part about him that got to me the most was the fact that he seemed oblivious to just how sexy he was! Totally unaware of it, which only seemed to make most women very aware of it. I'd seen the looks he got. Why not? He was a widower now. A sad, quiet man who'd lost the woman he loved…
It wasn't just my marital status that kept me from crossing the line with him. It was also the fact that I respected him and his grief. I respected him for loving someone that much, for losing himself in his grief and I respected him enough to kick him in his ass and make him get on with his life. He was too important to this town, this county, this department to just slip away…and there was so much I had to learn from him. So much he had to teach all of us.
He made me wonder sometimes if I'd ever been in that same kind of love he must've had. I thought it would be easy to love him, but to be the object of his love? It must have been intense! I couldn't imagine him doing anything half-hearted. His wife must've been a very special woman…
Enough of that!
Even with the air-conditioning on, I was finding myself too warm. Yeah, here in my truck, alone, I'd admit to myself that Walt got to me…and I'd also admit to a little undeserved jealousy regarding his deceased wife, but I had to work with the guy and then go home to my husband! I loved Sean, I did, but just how I loved him was not as clear as I'd like it to be…Time to switch my focus – I didn't need deep thoughts right now.
One really awesome feature about this new truck was the built-in iPod adapter. All I had to do was connect it and I could kiss that crappy country music the radio pumped out goodbye and blast some good old-school tunesl. If I played it loud enough, it was sure to drive out these thoughts in my head.
"Goodbye, Walt Longmire, hello Guns N Roses."
As soon as I heard the opening bars of Welcome To The Jungle, I had a great idea. Why not see what this new truck was capable of? I'd had if for a while now, but had never driven far enough to really open it up. Out here, on the open highway with no one around, I felt it was time to see just how fast these horses could run. I had the music; now I just needed the speed.
Pushed down on the accelerator, lightly at first. The truck responded quickly. A little harder and she growled and leapt forward. Time to feel the wind. I hit the button and the window rolled down. The loose hair that had escaped from my ponytail blew against my face.
I smiled. I laughed. I put my hand out the window and imagined I was flying. When Sweet Child of Mine came on, I was running along at close to one hundred miles per hour. By the time I reached Paradise City, I was rocking out, singing along with Axl and still running smooth. The music was cranked, I was having the time of my life and that's when I saw Walt pass me going the opposite way.
"Oh, shit!"
What the hell was he doing way out here? I checked my rear-view and sure enough, he was pulling a U-ee and on my tail, lights flashing, sirens wailing. Seriously?
"Deputy Moretti, you got a problem there?"
I heard his voice clearly over the radio, even with the music blasting. I thought about it, I really did…and then I didn't. He couldn't catch me, not in that piece of shit truck of his. A Ford versus a Dodge? Yeah, no contest. I grabbed the mic.
"Sure do, Sheriff. There's a suspicious looking guy on my tail. I'm goin' Code Six on this until I can shake him." Code Six meant I was busy, and I was.
I hit the accelerator, hard. The truck surged forward. The needle climbed to one-ten, then one-fifteen. I needed both hands on the wheel to keep her steady. Still running smooth, but it was best to be prepared. I checked the rear-view again. To my dismay and secret delight, Walt was catching up to me.
"Officer Moretti, I order you to pull your truck over, now!"
No can do, Sheriff. I checked the highway. No traffic. There was an open field to my left. I veered across and took her off-road. Opened her up just a little more. Doing one-twenty now. Walt was still behind me. U2 was belting out 'Vertigo' and I went with it, kicking up some serious dust in my wake.
"Vic, stop that truck! If you don't, you're looking at an FTC."
Failure to comply? Seriously? How's this for an FTC, Walt?. I spun the wheel and the truck went in to some serious donuts. Talk about 'Vertigo'! It was exhilarating to say the least! It was breath-taking, heart-stopping, adrenaline rushing pure excitement. Needless to say, I'd had to let off the gas to perform that little stunt. The truck spun and spun with its own momentum until it stopped and when the dust cleared, there was the Bronco, in front of me. There was Walt getting out of it, striding towards me, all business.
I watched him come to me. I heard the truck idling. U2 was still blasting from the speakers. I thought about it. My foot was only inches away from the accelerator.
"Out of the truck, Vic."
Hands on hips, weight on one leg, he waited. His expression was unreadable, as usual. I put my foot on the break. Wrapped my hand around the gear shift, all the while watching him. How the hell had he caught up to me so fast? Was I going to give up?
"Put it in park and step out of the vehicle. Last chance, Vic."
He pulled his citation pad out of the back pocket of his jeans. Unclipped a pen from the breast pocket of his shirt.
"Are you seriously writing me a ticket, Walt?"
"First offense, failure to comply. Second offense, exceeding the posted speed limit. Third offense, sassing back your superior officer."
"That's not legit" I protested.
He put his pad back in his pocket. Returned his pen to its home. Pulled his cuffs off his belt.
"Out of the truck, Vic. Now!"
I waited for some give on his part. When none was forthcoming, I slammed the truck in to park and turned off the ignition.
"You aren't going to arrest me…are you? C'mon, Walt, I was just having some fun!"
He came closer, was standing right beside my door, meeting my eyes with his.
"You were driving recklessly and using a police vehicle in an improper manner. Arresting you would seem like the logical thing to do, wouldn't you agree?"
Not even a hint of a smile on his face, in his voice or in his eyes. I was in big shit! I went to open the door, forcing him to take a step back. He took one and only one. I had to squeeze my way out. Maybe I could talk my way out of this.
"Think of it as testing out this fine police vehicle" I tried.
He was too close to me. I felt flushed and it wasn't just from the ride. I looked up at him, hoping against hope that he might have cracked a smile. No such luck. He simply held out his hand to me.
"Give me your keys," he ordered softly. I handed them over. He told me to turn around, hands behind my back. Okay, that was taking it too far!
"You're not going to arrest me are you? Seriously, Walt?"
"You broke the law."
"I was just having some fun!" That sounded lame, even to me.
"What you did was wrong, Vic. You can't just go speeding down the highway when you're bored."
I felt him slip a cuff around one of my wrist.
"Alright, go ahead, arrest me," I blurted out, "Just what the hell are you doing down here anyway? Checking up on me? Following me?"
"If I were following you, you'd never know it."
He was right behind me, his voice coming over my shoulder. I felt the heat from his body, felt his breath against my ear.
"You need to be taught a lesson, chiquitita…"
Little girl. He's just called me a little girl!
"And what kind of lesson do you have in mind, chico rudo? Huh?"
I might not know Cheyenne but I knew my Spanish! Oh, yeah, he was a tough guy, but I was a tough girl.
"For starters, you're going to be quiet and get in the passenger side of this truck. If you don't do it on your own, I'll cuff you and carry you over there myself. You decide how you want to do this."
Cuff me and carry me? For a moment, that sounded deliciously sexual, especially when his breath tickled my ear and made the little hairs around my neck tingle. Somehow, I didn't think he meant it that way…or did he? Walt was strange sometimes. Just in case I was wrong, I decided to make the move on my own.
"Are you confiscating my truck?" I asked as I made my way past him.
It was a tight squeeze between him and the door and our bodies actually rubbed together for a moment. It felt electric. I averted my eyes; I didn't want him to know I'd felt anything and I sure didn't want to know if he did or didn't. Wasn't sure which one would be worse.
I climbed in to the truck, as obedient as a dog. Honestly, I was a little frazzled by that moment of contact.
"So, you taught me to sit. What other lessons do you have for me?"
Why the hell could I never stop with the sass around him? If I just shut up, maybe I'd get out of this with a reprimand and nothing else. The way I was mouthing off, I'd probably end up in the jail cell back at the office.
He climbed in the driver's side after adjusting the seat for his much longer legs. Without replying, he started the truck. The music blared out of the speakers. I went to turn it down. He stopped me.
"Put that song you were listening to back on."
"What?" I believe I was flabbergasted.
"That song. U2. Vertigo."
What the hell? Walt knew U2? I must have taken a turn in to the Twilight Zone. Too freaked out to think about it, I grabbed my iPod and went back to Vertigo. The countdown began.
"Now, I'm going to teach you how to really drive this thing."
To my amazement, he cranked the music even louder, slammed his foot down on the accelerator and we were off! I clung to the overhead door handle while he zig-zagged all over that field. I saw him smile. I saw about ten years come off his face and shoulders. I laughed when he took us in to one donut after the other, looping our way back to where we'd started from. One more wild ride across the field, over some small rises that actually sent the truck off its tires, a few more donuts and then we were once more at the Bronco. He shut off the music but left the truck running. He handed me my keys through the window. I scooted over to get them.
"Oh, my God, that was soo much fun, Walt!"
"It sure was" he agreed. He stared back to his own truck. A few steps and then he stopped, turned to me.
"You're going straight back to town, chiquitita. I'll be right behind you. When you get to the office, I'm going to drive you home."
"Huh?" What the hell was he talking about? He didn't seem pissed at me anymore.
"You're getting yourself a little vacation, Vic. Three days suspension."
He turned and headed for his truck.
"Fuck you, Walt!"
Really? The guy was such a prick sometimes! He'd had fun, I'd seen it. What the hell?
He opened the door to the Bronco. Took a moment before climbing in.
"You keep telling me that, Vic…Makes me think you might just have a crush on me," and he laughed. Really, actually laughed, shook his head and climbed in to the Bronco. I was mortified. I could not believe that he'd said that. Too close to the truth for comfort? Yeah, maybe…I was going to have to change my signature line when it came to him.
He started the truck. Pulled up right beside me. I'm sure he didn't miss my discomfort. I could feel it all over me. His window was rolled down. He gestured to the highway.
"Ladies first, nice and easy…"
"Oh, just bite me, Walt!"
"One day, maybe I will…" and now he was winking at me? The guy was unbelievable, ruining all my lines by making them sexual. What the hell was the matter with him? I was insulting him, not complimenting him. I really wanted to call him the biggest prick I'd ever met, but I knew where that was going to go.
Instead, I just stuck my tongue out at him, gave him the finger and kicked up a shit-ton of dust. I could only hope he was choking on it.
"You big, stupid prick," I muttered, seeing him right behind me in the mirrors.
I wanted to be mad, but I couldn't be. I was too busy imagining his response if he'd heard me say that. I had to laugh. One day, I might just try it, to hear for myself what he'd have to say about that! One day when I'd be able to pull it off without blushing.
Today was not that day. Today, I was wondering just how big his stupid prick was! Not the best thoughts to be having about your boss, but I was still remembering the feel of him so close behind me. Trying to figure out if he'd done that on purpose…Not the best thoughts to be having when I was married to someone else.
Maybe three days suspension wasn't going to be such a bad thing after all. I needed to cool down. I needed to remember the face of my husband, to paraphrase Stephen King.
A sudden thought occurred to me. I grabbed the mic.
"Walt, is that suspension with or without pay?"
"I guess you'll find out when you get your paycheque!" and yes, he was chuckling.
In fine form today was Sheriff Walter Longmire. I'm sure it was all at my expense. Whatever the reason, I had to admit it was good to hear him laugh, great to see him smile.
Yup, it was going to take me those three whole days to get over this day! At least I wasn't bored anymore. Just because, I stuck my hand out the window and gave him the finger once more. Damn, it felt good!
XXXXXXXXXXXX
"Vic…Vic? We're here…."
I rubbed my eyes, not comprehending. I was still back in that other time, that happy time. What the hell was Branch doing here?
"We're at the hospital."
…and it all came rushing back to me. How had I fallen asleep on the ride here? What the hell was the matter with me? I fumbled with the door handle, still groggy. Branch was there, outside, opening it for me. I'd treated him so badly and he was opening the door for me. What a fucking night this was!
I got out, had to steady myself for a moment, and then I was running. Running like I'd never run before. I hit the Emergency doors on the fly, crashing them open. I headed straight for the receiving desk..
"Walt Longmire," I panted. "Where is he?"
The nurse looked at me, did a double-take. Couldn't blame her. My hair was a mess, my face was all blotchy from crying, I was wearing a shirt ten times too big for me under my jacket and I could barely speak, I was breathing so hard.
"We're not allowed to give out patient information to anyone but family. Are you family?"
I wanted to scream. I wanted to grab her by her throat and rip the answers out of her and at the same time, I knew all about procedure. I understood the need for it, had acted much the way to others as she was acting towards me now. My understanding only went so far, however.
Somewhere in this damn jacket I had my ID. It was my uniform jacket, for fuck's sake! I fumbled through my pockets. Found it in the inside one. Held it out for her inspection.
"I'm Deputy Moretti, Absaroka County Wyoming. Walt - Sheriff Longmire, he's my superior officer. This is Deputy Branch Connalley "– he'd finally caught up to me - "We were informed that there'd been an accident and told to come here."
"We were told to ask for Tracy McKay," Branch interjected.
"The Sheriff is in the waiting room, just off the main hallway to your right."
The Sheriff? Did she mean Walt?
"What Sheriff?" I asked, totally confused and totally hopeful that she meant Walt.
"Sheriff McKay, from Yellowstone County. Sheriff Maubrey is there too, from Bighorn County, where the accident occurred.
"And what about Sheriff Longmire? How is he? Where is he?"
"I don't really have any information at the moment, nothing beyond the fact that he was brought in here as a result of an MVA."
"Well, can't you fucking find out? Jesus Christ, is this a hospital or a fucking toll booth? If I throw a fucking dollar at you will you tell me just how bad he was when he was brought in here?"
No patience left. All understanding vanished. Being a cop wasn't getting me anywhere with this woman.
"I'm sorry, Ms. Moretti, I just don't know much more. I only just came on shift an hour ago, and really, you aren't family, are you?"
Oh, she was young. Probably just graduated nursing school. All cops were family! She didn't know that, obviously. I wanted to scream at her that Walt was my lover, my man, my reason for living. I wanted to tear this whole damn place apart, looking for him…and I wouldn't stop until I found him!
She must've seen some of that on my face. She backed up a bit.
"I…I'm sorry, I don't know what else to tell you…"
Well, maybe this damn Tracy McKay would be able to tell me something! For her sake and her safety, I surely hoped so.
I stormed down the hallway, entered the waiting room. Looked around. Cops. Civilians. Men. Women. No name tags. Everyone was looking at me, at Branch, who was right behind me, then back to me. I felt a growl start in my chest. I felt my thong creep up my ass-crack; damn fucking things sure weren't made for wearing! If I hadn't been out of my mind with worry over Walt, I might have found it funny. My eyes raked the room one more time. No one moved. I tilted my chin up. Planted my hands on my hips. Stay mad. Stay focused. Don't lose it any other way but…
"Alright assholes, where the hell is Walt Longmire and which one of you fucks is Tracy McKay?"