When he started signing to her, Julie was confused. Impressed, but confused. She was going to tell him that while it was great he knew how to do that, she couldn't, but his nose started bleeding and he grabbed his head, and dread seized her hard.
She knew exactly what was happening.
He was using someone else's memories again. Only, it didn't seem to be on purpose this time. Not like on the plane, or when he worked at the hospital... this was more like the time he'd woken up a few weeks ago, smiling at her, his eyes soft and full of love, and spoke to her in Russian.
Not Russian... it just sounded Russian, what had he said it was? Serbian? She'd just stared at him, dumbfounded, at first thinking he was playing some kind of stupid joke... but he didn't stop, and seemed genuinely confused when she started yelling back. Then the headache hit him hard, and she realized he wasn't pretending.
She realized that something was really wrong. Something had been wrong for a while now, and it just seemed to be getting worse.
When he kept signing, she finally wrote him a note, and the look he gave her when he read it... she could tell he'd had no idea what he was doing.
And then... after he'd doubled over, and that brilliant azure gaze of his rose to meet hers again, Julie knew he wasn't himself anymore. Someone else was looking out through his eyes.
And he kept signing, only it was different this time. He was different. His body language had changed - he sat up straighter, tilted his head in a way she'd never seen before. Julie had just started swearing, because it'd happened again and she had no fucking idea what to do next.
Because what if he ran off? She couldn't keep up with him, not in the shape she was in!
So she tried a simple question, wanting to start a conversation, keep whoever he was talking. But he kept signing, so they weren't getting anywhere. It was so frustrating. She fell back on the writing, but when Rowan looked down at the paper in his lap, his eyes grew enormous. Something about his hands was shocking him utterly, she could see that clearly as he twisted them in front of his face, and looked back up at her.
All Julie could say was sorry. What else could she possibly say?
Oddly enough, it seemed to make some kind of difference to whoever he was. Those eyes grew wide again, but with wonder, and she could have sworn he was on the verge of smiling.
But he didn't. She watched in horror as his eyes rolled up, and with a strange grunt, he collapsed, knocking over a stack of wood he'd set aside for the fire.
"Rowan!" she cried, but he didn't move, didn't budge, just lay there, utterly still, his hand hanging limply over the side of the emergency kit.
"R!" she yelled, gasping as she got to her knees, and shuffled to his side, her ribs flaring in a familiar agony.
He was completely out, his head lying awkwardly in a mess of branches. Wincing with the pain of movement, she leaned over him, and brushed her hand against his forehead, his cheek.
"R! R, god... baby? Wake up!"
He didn't stir. Jesus, was his nose still bleeding?!
"R!" she cried desperately, and tried the last thing she could think of, something he always seemed to respond to. "I need you!"
Rowan's eyes flicked open, bloodshot and dim with pain, and he struggled to move, to respond to her call, his limbs tangling in branches and bag straps. With a soft grunt, he finally pushed himself up on shaking arms, and pressed the heel of his hand against his temple. "Holy shit... Oww..."
Noticing the blood on his face, he wiped at it frantically. "God..." Quickly grabbing the bandage he'd used before, he pressed it against his nose. Then he winced, as he finally focused on her. "Julie... I... I did it again, didn't I?"
She couldn't speak for a moment, fear stealing her words, and just nodded instead.
He squinted his eyes in pain. "I'm sorry," he said, his voice muffled through the gauze. "I don't know why my nose's bleeding... but..." He gave a little smile. "At least I can hear now."
"Yeah..." Julie said, her voice trailing off to nothing.
He was trying to keep a brave face, but he was scared. It was in his eyes, in the creases lining them as he grabbed a second bandage to hold against his nose.
"It'll clot soon, I'll be okay," he said softly. Then he looked down at his hand. "Didn't mean to scare you. I was just... that was a weird one."
Biting her lip against the stabbing in her side, Julie reached for the painkillers in the kit and handed them to him.
"Who was he?" she asked.
Rowan tried to push the pills back. "You need them more than I do Julie." Then he smirked. "It wasn't a he."
Julie shook her head at offered bottle, even as her eyes bulged.
"A girl?" she gasped. "You were female?"
"No," he snorted. "I wasn't, she was. She was older too, like in her forties, not a girl."
"Oh my god," Julie said quietly, shaking her head at Rowan for a second time as he pushed the pills at her again. "Seriously, take those painkillers or I throw them in the fire."
Rowan smirked, and dropped the gauze for a moment to take the pills dry. Then he raised an eyebrow at her. "Why are you so surprised? Wasn't like I only ate guys."
Julie looked at him sideways. "I know... I just... that's got to be strange?"
He shrugged. "It's always strange. But with her, I... she knew as soon as she saw my hands that something was really wrong. Like when I saw my face as Jack. Brought me out of it, hard."
Julie stiffened. 'Jack' was the last person she wanted to talk about now.
R noticed. "Sorry, didn't mean to bring him up again." He leaned back against the shelter wall then, and closed his eyes with a heavy sigh. "Julie.. I'm sorry I keep doing this to you. I don't know what's going on. It's like..." He turned to stare out of the shelter, at the flaming wreck of their plane, then rubbed his bloody hand over his eyes. "It's like there's a wall in my head... and it's breaking, and everything's spilling out."
When he looked at her, she saw his fear again, heavy behind his eyes, but his mouth turned up in a smile and he reached out to cup her cheek. "Are you okay?"
Julie gave a soft smile and leaned into his palm. His touch was wonderful. But he didn't get to change the subject that easy. "I'll be okay," she said, "I'm more worried about you."
Then she saw the beginnings of something in the set of his shoulders, and she groaned. "Don't even think about it, stop it!"
Eyebrows arching, he pulled his hand back. "Stop what?"
"You were about to shrug!"
He grinned. "Was I?"
Julie's eyes narrowed, but she couldn't help grinning back. "You know you were!"
Pointedly staring at her, he shrugged anyway.
"God, you're annoying," she said with a giggle, then hissed as she held her side. "Oh... ow.. can't laugh. Hurts..."
"Yeah, I know how that goes," he sympathized, and squeezed her hand. "Want another painkiller?"
She shook her head, releasing a slow breath. "No, no. I'll be okay, just had two. Save it for when I'm trying to sleep."
Rowan nodded, then glanced outside at the burning fuselage of the plane again. She followed his gaze. The flames were dancing hungrily, wickedly over the wreckage, devouring everything but the metallic skeleton of the chassis.
"I was hoping we wouldn't have to spend another night out here."
Julie heard the unspoken 'but', and turned back, waiting for him to finish.
His eyes were pained. "But I haven't heard the plane again. And even if they see our signal, they'll have to land somewhere else and hike to us."
"I saw a couple of helicopters at the airport," Julie offered hopefully. "Couldn't they land in the meadow and pick us up?"
He shook his head. "I'm not sure they have the range. They might be able to get here, but then they'd be stuck." Watching her reaction, he quickly shrugged again. "Though, I dunno, they might know where to refuel. Could happen."
Julie smirked. "You're just saying that to make me feel better."
Rowan looked a little sheepish. "Yep."
She snorted at him and shook her head. "Well, don't. I can handle the truth." She glanced around the shelter. "I mean, how bad off are we? We've got shelter, a fire, food and water, enough to last a few days, right? This is like the camping trip we've never had."
Rowan was watching her, his chin propped up on his fist, grinning.
"Yeah, sure, the camping trip where you broke your ribs and arm. That'll be a fun story to tell the kids." He started talking off to empty air, "Then daddy crashed the plane, and broke mommy, and they slept on dirt, and it was awesome!"
Julie couldn't help herself, and let loose with a wild laugh she immediately regretted. It cut off with a sharp cry as she squeezed her eyes shut, gritting her teeth against the blade twisting in her side.
"Oh shit! Julie I'm sorry!"
"S'okay" she whispered, slowly getting a handle on the pain.
"It's not okay," he growled, clearly angry at himself. "I shouldn't have made you laugh like that, I didn't mean to..."
"I know," she said, and gave a small smile, hoping to defuse his anger. "It's okay."
He reached out for her, then stopped. "Want to hold you, but don't want to make it worse." He sighed. "It's fucking frustrating."
With a small smile, Julie reached out and grasped his nearby hand, and her smile grew. The touch felt so good, the warm of his fingers laced through hers, the gentle caress as he started tracing along her thumb with his own.
The anger in his brow eased and he smiled back. Then he leaned over, and very gently kissed her.
Marvelously, the kiss dissolved the pain, as her body flushed warmly with his touch, and she drew the kiss deeper, without thinking.
Thinking for the both of them, Rowan very carefully pulled away and smiled.
"Don't think that's going to work," he said.
Julie gave a shallow sigh. "No. I know." Dammit. Tilting her head, she gazed into his beautiful blue eyes, and a smile played at her lips.
His eyes searched her own. "What?"
"I like hearing you talk about kids," she said softly.
"Yeah?" A smile followed the word, but it quickly faltered as he looked away. "Maybe one day, huh?"
Julie sighed. They'd talked about this before. Rowan was worried about having kids. Worried about how they might turn out.
Because he'd been a corpse.
It was smart to be concerned, she knew that. But the doctors had given him the all clear and reassured them both at length that everything was normal. In fact, the city administration was doing its best to get everyone to have kids, now that the world was whole again. It made for some hilarious public announcements, and almost half a day of "Let's Get it On" by Marvin Gaye piped through the emergency speakers. Apparently the guy responsible had meant to play it all day, but her dad had stormed in, returning late from negotiations with an enclave just outside of town, and ripped the CD from the player.
It was never seen again.
Rowan wasn't convinced, no matter what the doctors said. And she'd never really been able to talk with him about it, because he just shut down.
She opened her mouth to try anyway, but he quickly turned away to a nearby bag. When he turned back, he was holding a can of baked beans. "Hungry?"
Despite her irritation at his inability to handle this talk, her stomach growled loudly and her mouth flooded and she realized that holy crap, she was starving. When was the last time she'd eaten? Yesterday afternoon?
Jesus. Wasn't exactly her fault, but it wasn't smart, not in her condition.
"Want to do baked beans, or this mystery can?" Rowan asked, waggling a shiny can with no label. "'Cause I know how much you love beans."
Julie balked, "Is that all we have?"
"No," he answered, shaking his head, "Got two more cans of beans, and some beef stew, but that's so old it's going to taste like shit." He pulled out a couple of blandly labelled plastic packets, "And these MRE's. Barf."
"Oh god," Julie groaned, disgusted. "Can't you go out and get a... I dunno, a rabbit?" She looked down at the fire, gazing at it longingly. "We could roast it, and it would be hot, dripping with fat, and delicious, and amazing..." her voice trailed off as her imagination got the best of her, flooding her mouth again.
Rowan pulled a face. "I'm not killing a rabbit!"
"Why not?" Julie whined, still fantasizing about roast rabbit. She was only kidding, really. Wasn't she?
He snorted. "For one thing, I've never eaten rabbit in my life, and another thing, I couldn't kill one if I wanted to. They're way too fast, and they're way too cute."
Julie shook her head sadly. "I fell in love with a complete hippie. Dad would be shocked and dismayed."
Rowan laughed at that. "Your dad has never stopped being shocked and dismayed by me, Jules."
Julie stiffened, and the fake sadness left her face as she stared back at him.
He'd done it again. Called her Jules.
"What?" he said, picking up on her abrupt change in mood. "I didn't mean that you know, your dad and I get along okay." He laughed. "As okay as two completely different people can get along."
She didn't say anything, just smiled slightly.
"Wait, is this because I called you Jules again?"
She searched his eyes. Did he understand what he was doing?
"I'm sorry," He said softly, then shrugged. "Guess I don't understand why you get upset when I call you that. Lots of people do."
Julie gave a shallow sigh. "They don't say it like..." And she couldn't finish. She didn't want to go where this conversation was going.
Rowan raised his brow in confusion. "Like what?"
"Nevermind," she answered, looking down at her hands.
"I want to know."
No, you don't.
"Julie." His voice was terse. "What do I say it like?"
Frowning, Julie looked up at him again, and desperately hoped that he wouldn't take this too hard. "You say it like Perry did."
Rowan blinked, obviously not expecting that. His mouth thinned to a line as his gaze fell to the MRE packet in his hand.
"Huh," he grunted.
His reaction irritated her, and she pushed on, needing him to see that she wasn't just being sensitive, seeing something that wasn't there. "You remember telling me on the plane that you called me Jules when we were hanging out at Burt's?"
Still looking down, he nodded. "Yep."
"Can you look at me please?" she asked.
Mouth still a tight, irritated line, Rowan looked up.
Julie held his gaze steadily. "Burt died on the day we met Rowan. That memory isn't yours."
As the words left her mouth, something horrible happened behind Rowan's eyes. She could see the shock he felt as she spoke, quickly chased by disbelief that almost made it to words as his mouth opened, but whatever he'd been about to say died in his throat.
"It's Perry's," she said quietly, and sighed, as she watched his eyes shutter down. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't want to tell you, but..."
"No, that's..." he started, but didn't finish. Shaking his head instead, he moved suddenly. "I have to, um..." Pointing to the opening of the shelter, not meeting her eye, he shuffled on his knees past her.
She reached for him, wincing with the motion, but he kept moving. "R, please, let's talk about it, it's not-"
"Going to get some wood," he said bluntly, and reaching the opening, he straightened up and walked away.
As she watched him go, a lone tear spilled slowly down her cheek, and her voice broke in a whisper.
"I'm sorry."
Seriously Rowan, you have to be able to talk about this stuff dude! Stop running away! (my thoughts as I'm writing this) Thanks for reading folks, will post more soon. :)