Disclaimer: The following is a fan-written parody. Urusei Yatsura is property of Rumiko Takahashi, Studio Deen, Shogakukan, Viz Media, and AnimEigo. Support the official release, or don't… because holy shit.
Sensei
A Urusei Yatsura Story
Chapter 6/6 Part 1
|The Fog of War|
When one had enough money, anything was possible. This was something Mendou Shuutaro learned from a very young age. Assembling a contest arena for a beauty pageant between five dangerous young women? Paltry. Organizing the music, lights, prizes, and judges in short order? Nothing. Ensuring perfection in all areas by hiring only the best in their respective industries? Less than nothing.
In one night, Mendou demanded perfection and received it. A miracle from God couldn't do what he could do with what amounted to him as pocket change.
Yet, as he descended to the school's front yard via parachute, he couldn't help but feel that something was grievously off. The thick fog was unusual, as was the chill in the air, but the ominous foreboding that came with it had him worried that some kind of shenanigan was in order and he hadn't been alerted to it.
He set foot on the ground, and quickly unharnessed his parachute. He liked bad omens as much as he liked dark, cramped spaces, and he wanted to get ahead of this one as much as possible.
"You there," he called out into the fog, promptly summoning several suited men wearing black sunglasses.
"Yes, Mendou-sama?" They asked as one.
"Any word on the other situation?" He asked.
"Saginomiya-sama has called several times since yesterday evening, and twice this morning. She is growing anxious as she's not yet seen proof of your commitment," the lead sunglasses wearing bodyguard reported.
"Inform her that due to a school function that the Crusaders may be delayed, but to have no fear," Mendou replied, "Our intelligence gathering on the school has determined that it's highly unlikely that the Black Rose would attack so soon after already doing so much damage."
"Understood," the lead Sunglasses said.
Sure, he had nothing to base it upon, but if he sounded official and spoke through channels then maybe the White Lily would get off his back for a little bit longer.
"In the meantime, do try to beef up security around here and at the Kolkhoz. Just… don't let father find out."
"Yes, Mendou-sama," the Black Sunglasses replied before they vanished into the fog.
With a sigh of relief Mendou turned around to walk into school. With that distraction held off for now he could focus on fracturing the Crusaders and taking his rightful position as their leader, and then he would give Saginomiya all the support she could ask for and more. She would throw herself at his feet, grateful for his heroism, and he would sweep her off hers as her charming prince-
"What's all this about Kolkhoz, now?"
Mendou recoiled from Nick, who he'd nearly walked into in the thick fog.
"Ah! Sherman-sensei!" He looked past him, alarmed that Ryuunosuke might be with him–but all he found was Sakura, holding a large convenience store coffee and looking as blasé as she had been since the photo incident. "… And Sakura-sensei?"
Sakura tilted her head in a polite nod and took a sip of her coffee.
Mendou was confused, Sakura should hate Nick, why were they walking together?
Nick took a sip of his own coffee. "We walk to school together, she knows this great café. Don't change the subject though, what's going on with Kolkhoz that's got them asking you for help?"
Mendou waved him off. "It's none of your concern."
"Sounds like it is, what with their Culinary department burning down the other night," Nick said. "Is there something you're keen on?"
Luckily it was rather cool out, Mendou didn't sweat easily. "I know no more than you on the matter. There are delinquents running around, but they aren't messing with us."
Nick nodded. "Great! Just in case though, let Ryuunosuke know about any updates. I tried warning her about that whole mess between Kolkhoz and Furinkan, but I don't think she listened to me."
He waved. "Anyway, gonna go get a good seat for the pageant."
As he walked away, he looked to Sakura. "Where do you plan to sit?"
"Actually, I'm a judge," Sakura said before the two fell out of earshot.
Mendou watched them fade out of sight, before he sighed and continued walking. His brisk pace to the steps of the school slowed when he overtook Ataru, who was staring blankly ahead with a confused look on his face.
"I hope you're ready for today, Moroboshi," he asked.
Ataru snapped out of his fugue and looked to Mendou. "Oh yeah! Sure am, I'm looking forward to seeing Lum in her–seeing the girls in their cute outfits for the contest!"
"Yes, I too look forward to seeing Lum in all of her glory," Mendou said before he stopped and rewound that. Did Moroboshi just-?
"Outta my way, sissies!" Natsuko shouted as she stormed past, knocking both Mendou and Ataru to the ground.
Mendou forgot all about that and looked after Natsuko with a wistful smile. "Ah, Natsuko is as fiery as ever."
Ataru got up and dusted himself off. "Mendou, before we get this started."
"What is it, Moroboshi?" Mendou asked as he rose to his feet as well.
"You got a plan for in case this blows up in our faces, right? Because if this backfires, they're gonna murder us," Ataru said, "All five of them."
And it would make what happened to Sakamura look preferable.
"Once they realize that they are five enemies without a lynchpin, they will seek a proper leadership," Mendou said, "And once I am that leader, this school will see brighter days."
"Yeah, just don't sic 'em on me, okay?"
Mendou had every intention to, at every opportunity. "Fear not, Moroboshi. I will remember you well for your making this possible."
A rumble in the distance made both boys stop and turn towards where it echoed from. It was followed by another similar sound, and then another. It was like distant thunder, or a fierce battle
Hearing it, and recognizing its direction, Mendou swallowed hard before he marched into the school building without another word. Ataru watched Mendou go, and before giving the sounds a worrying consideration, shrugged his shoulders and headed inside as well.
|Miss Tomobiki|
The Miss Tomobiki Contest was scheduled to take up the entire morning. As such, every class was excused so that all students could attend in the gymnasium, where a ring was set up for the contest to follow. The bleachers were packed, the judges table at the side of the ring was made up of Sakura, the Principal, and Kotatsuneko, and Ataru was in the center of the ring acting as the hype man to get everyone fired up.
"Thank you students of all years and welcome! To! The Miss Tomobiki Contest!" Ataru shouted to the heavens, and earned a hearty applause. "For weeks you've wondered, and you will have your answer! Who of Tomobiki High School's loveliest, strongest, smartest, and most popular of girls is the one above all?! The number one! The very best!"
He pumped his fist as he held the microphone close to his lips. "Here, in the Tomobiki High School wrestling ring, these five beautiful women are going to give it their all! For 500,000 yen and the adoration of all you the students!"
If there was one thing to be said of Ataru, he knew how to work a crowd. Or at least Ryuunosuke thought as she leaned back against her corner of the ring. She was looking aloof to the cheering around her; much to her chagrin she had nearly all the first year girls in her corner and they were making the most noise for her.
Natsuko, Ran, and Shinobu were occupying other corners. Lum being the odd one out but able to fly was circling above their heads, stopping to bounce on the top ropes and wave to her adoring fans.
Ataru then pointed at the corner Ryuunosuke occupied. "Our first competitor! In the red corner, from Class 2-4! Our newest student and leader of the elite Crusaders Unit! Fujinami Ryuunosuke-chan!"
The cheering grew louder, with many of the first year girls shouting "Senpai!" as they waved to get her attention. Ryuunosuke just gave them a passing glance, and many of the girls swooned.
Directly across from her, in the opposing corner, Natsuko bristled at the cheering Ryuunosuke received. Behind her, she was actually getting booed from some of the guys in the stands. She recognized most of them too, members of Tomobiki's boys' volleyball team.
"Opposite her in the blue corner, from Class 2-7. Former Volleyball Captain and all around lovely looker, and too member of the Crusaders' team! Natsuko-chan!"
"You suck!" One of the boys behind Natsuko shouted prompting a few laughs.
Natsuko looked back at him, her expression one of incomprehensible rage. Without needing to say a word, she turned the heckler to ash, and turned her ire back unto Ryuunosuke–who was now smirking at Natsuko.
"It hurts, don't it?" Ryuunosuke thought. "Ah well, I hope you're good and mad, because if I know Moroboshi this contest is going to get physical and I need a good fight."
As though she could read Ryuunosuke's mind, Natsuko accepted the challenge. "I hope you're ready to resign from the Crusaders when I'm done with you!"
"In the black corner! Hailing also from Class 2-7! The adorable, cheerful, and ever approachable Ran-chan~!" Ataru called out, prompting an even larger section of cheers for Ran, who happily waved to those adoring her.
"Ran-chan is so happy!" She called out. "I'll do my best for all of you!"
She then glanced back and up at Lum, who was circling around the other side of the ring. She smirked. "Prepare to get creamed, Lum!"
"In the fittingly chosen white corner, also hailing from Class 2-4! A best friend to everyone, Miyake Shinobu-chan! Let's hear it for Shinobu-chan everyone!"
Shinobu fidgeting a bit under the praise, was more concerned about the obvious tension in the ring. The looks that Ryuunosuke and Natsuko were firing at each other, those weren't good at all, and as she observed Ran's own deadly gazes in Lum's direction, she was beginning to understand that this wasn't a very good situation.
"This isn't going to end well," she thought as she began to wonder if this was being set up because of the fiercely clashing personalities.
"And finally, because you can't put baby in a corner… the star of our school from another star! Hailing from Class 2-4 and the Oni Homeworld…! Lum Invader-chan!"
"I'm number one! I'm number one!" Lum chanted as she flew over the crowds with her arms spread. As it was a rare occasion, she'd eschewed her uniform for her tiger print bikini, and the crowd was loving it.
"Lum's number one! Lum's number one!" The crowd chanted below.
Right behind the judges' table, Nick was enjoying his front row seat the only way a person as invested as he was in this contest could: texting at a rapid-fire pace and paying no mind to the blathering on of Moroboshi.
Beside him, Mendou was observing the proceedings with the confidence that everything was going to plan. Ran looked ready to kill Lum, Ryuunosuke and Natsuko looked prepared to tear one another to shreds, and Lum was the crowd favorite. By the end of this contest, Nick will be begging him to take a leadership position in the Crusaders, after watching the over competitive spirits in the ring tear one another asunder.
He sat back in his chair, looking composed and suave as usual. He was confident that today would go well.
"I can tell that you're fired up, so let's get this show on the road!" Ataru called out. "Between our five girls, only one can remain as our Miss Tomobiki! She must have all the qualities of an exemplary woman, from brains to brawn to beauty, and our first event will cover cognitive reasoning!"
There was a brief silence after that, before Ryuunosuke broke the silence. "Cognitive wha-?"
"He means a thinking game you monkey!" Natsuko shouted.
"Better a cute monkey than an ugly gorilla!" Ryuunosuke shouted back.
"Girls! Girls! Easy with the rivalry, and save it for the contest!" Ataru tried to edge in.
"Why are we even doing this boring brain crap! Let's get to the part where I win!" Natsuko shouted.
"The falling out the ugly tree contest ain't in the program!" Ryuunosuke answered right back.
"OH SCREW YOU, FUJINAMI!"
Ataru recoiled a bit, startled by the fire burning between the two girls. "Yikes. Ladies, ladies, calm down! It's a just a riddle, simple riddle!"
The five girls turned their attention to Ataru, who waved shyly to them. "You know? A little brain teaser, to get you gals relaxed. This portion of the competition you'll be judged not on the accuracy of the answer, but on the creativity. The best answer gets a full ten points on the board."
Shinobu indeed relaxed. This was going to be easy, cognitive reasoning? She could do that!
"Well spit it out, already!" Natsuko shouted at him, because she did not have an off switch, or any means to turn down the intensity, really.
"Testy!" Ataru snaps back at her, before indeed going to the question. "Okay ladies, imagine that you have just walked into a room that is six meters by six meters square and three meters high. There is a metal desk with a toolbox across from you with a standard set of tools inside and a scuba tank and equipment next to it, a full-sized bed to your left, and a sink and toilet to your right. The walls are all made of a thick and durable metal."
One by one, the girls began to put together the image of the room in their minds as Ataru created it.
"Besides the door, there are three other openings. A vent that pushes air in which is fifteen by thirty centimeters in size near the ceiling to the right, an outflow vent that is one meter by thirty centimeters on the left. In the middle of the floor, there is a heavy iron grate one meter by one meter across."
Ataru looked around to make sure he hadn't lost anyone, and he hadn't. "Now, as you enter this room, the door swings from the outside in closed behind you and locks. It's as heavy and thick as the walls behind you. My question is, ladies, how do you escape the room?"
Shinobu hummed. Since this was a riddle, she knew that the answer wasn't immediately obvious, but at the same time very simple. In fact, the answer was most likely in the question itself, but so much detail had been thrown in to obscure it. A smarter person would abandon the cruft of the riddle and go right to the main point… but what was it?"
Lum was far more impulsive than that. "I know what I would do!"
Reaching her hand into one of the cups of her bikini, Lum pulled out a small gray device. "I would use this to escape!"
Ataru looked at it, though his eyes were more lingering on her for that moment almost exposed breasts. "Uh, what?"
Lum grinned. "A ten second matter phaser! Trapped in a tight spot? You can use this to pass through anything! Only for ten seconds, though…"
"That's cheating!" Ran shouted.
Lum looked down at Ran a tad smugly. "Oh, and what would you do, Ran-chan?"
"Like it's any question!" Ran declared. "Ran-chan would use the toolbox, take apart the metal desk, and use the pieces to wedge open the grate to the drain and escape through the sewers."
"Ooh, good answer, good answer!" Ataru congratulated both Ran and Lum, the latter of the two smiling a bit big.
He then looked to Ryuunosuke. "Ryuu-chan?"
Ryuunosuke shrugged her shoulders. "I dunno… smash down the door? It's not like I couldn't."
This earned cheers from fans of Ryuunosuke's strength, and a scowl from Natsuko, who snorted. "Brute force, huh? I would block the drain with the mattress and the vents with the pillows and then smash the sink. I would then wait for the room to flood, use the scuba tank to wait for the water pressure to force open the door."
That earned a few questionable looks from the audience, and a hum from Ataru. "A high risk answer… very daring, Natsuko-chan."
He then looked to Shinobu, who was still contemplating her answer. "Shinobu-chan?"
Shinobu went over every detail of the riddle, and took the answers of the others into consideration. After a short moment, an epiphany struck her, and she looked back at Ataru.
"I stop imagining," she said.
Ataru stared at her. "Huh?"
"I stop imagining the room, and now I am no longer in it," she said.
Silence then fell on the arena.
The judges, who had been regarding the answers of the other girls rather lukewarmly, all did a double-take when they heard Shinobu's answer.
"Oh!" Lum found the answer surprising, but when she thought about it… it was the best one. "Shoot! I could've had that!"
Ryuunosuke was more impressed than upset. "Huh, wish I thought of that!"
Ran agreed that it was a good answer, but was satisfied with her own. While Natsuko seemed to be mentally kicking herself over the fact that she hadn't thought of it.
"Judges! Your decisions, please?" Ataru requested.
In her seat, Sakura smiled for the first time in weeks and put down her score. An equally impressed Principal and Kotatsuneko did the same, and when the scoreboard lit up, the numbers said it all.
Ryuunosuke 4.
Natsuko 5.
Ran 8.
Lum 6.
Shinobu 10.
"Six points?!" Lum exclaimed in dismay.
"Haha! I beat Lum!" Ran thought triumphantly
Shinobu pumped her fist and did a cute cheer. "Yes! I did it!"
"THERE YOU HAVE IT! With ten points, our leader is Shinobu-chan!" Ataru called out to the crowd, cheering growing over it.
A spotlight shone down on Shinobu, who blushed brightly and waved to her adoring fans.
"The next portion of our contest will be the swimsuit competition!" Ataru declared next. "The real show you've been waiting for, right guys?!"
Behind the judges, as the cheering and fanfare went on, Mendou observed with a nod. Now that the personalities were openly clashing, this was all going very well.
The bluetooth earpiece he wore then began to beep, he was receiving a phone call. Feigning adjusting his hair, he took the call. "Yes?"
"We are receiving numerous phone calls from Kolkhoz Academy. Saginomiya Asuka-sama is demanding the Crusaders-"
Mendou sighed. "Did you not tell her?"
"We did but, the situation has changed," the Sunglasses answered. "Furinkan has-"
"Tell me about it later, I'm busy," Mendou said–half because he was trying to watch the contest… and half because he genuinely did not want to hear what was going wrong.
|Power|
Outside of the school's front doors, the crew-cut leader of the Black Sunglasses, one of Mendou's longest employed and most trusted underlings lowered his phone, frowning. Beside him, his bald second in command leaned closer.
"What did the young master say?" Baldy asked.
"He is busy with the contest," Crew-cut said with a frown, "This isn't good."
In the last five minutes, Saginomiya Asuka and other members of the Black Sunglasses had been all but setting their phones on fire. Mendou's from nowhere assurance that the belligerent Furinkan wouldn't attack had been of course unfounded, as the thunderous crashes echoing from the distance proved. The Crusaders were needed, and they weren't being delivered.
"Maybe it's not so bad," Baldy wondered. "The young master isn't exactly leader of the Crusaders, and it's not like he can send them anywhere now. Besides, do you hear that? We should be happy we're not getting involved."
Crew-cut agreed. Fighting another school's war was never a good idea. Besides, if Kolkhoz was going to get as badly thrashed as it sounded, it wasn't like there was going to be any repercussions from them for Tomobiki's involvement or lack thereof. "Yeah, Furinkan's kids are monsters or so I hear… even one of them would be more than all of us could take."
Baldy recoiled a bit from that. "R-really?"
"Yeah, really… didn't you hear about what happened to the young master's rival, the Kuno boy?"
Baldy shook his head. "No, what happened?"
"Well, there was…" Crew-cut trailed off, when he noticed something at the fog-shrouded gates of the school.
Two girls, both wearing black sailor fukus. The shorter and Japanese of the two girls sporting a yellow tie, while the taller, foreign-looking girl's uniform sported an electric green tie. The shorter girl had on her back a shinai–a kendo bamboo sword–and was chomping down on a candy bar.
"Had to stop by the store on our way, huh?" Katie Izland asked as she exchanged texts with her uncle.
Akane Tendo chomped down on another piece of the candy bar. "It's early and I skipped breakfast."
"That's no good, you need to keep your energy up," Katie chided before she read what she was texting. "We've arrived and are commencing the armed intervention to suppress Tomobiki High School."
Baldy turned and noticed them too, before frowning. "Those two… are those Furinkan students?"
"Sure are," Crew-cut replied before he stepped up and gestured to the two girls. "All right, if you're here to visit, come another time. There's a school function going on."
Akane noticed the two men in black suits and sunglasses accosting them. "Bodyguards?"
"Those must be Mendou's guys," Katie said before glancing at the phone again. "Yep, black suits and glasses, general clueless look about 'em. Nick said we could wreck 'em at our leisure."
"Cool." Akane tossed her candy bar to Katie. "Hold this for me, Senpai?"
As Katie caught the candy bar, Akane reached over her shoulder and drew forth the shinai. Then without warning or even a battle cry she shot forward at high speed, swung the shinai into Crew-cut's face, smashing his sunglasses and dropping him like a sack of bricks. Before Baldy could react with fright, Akane swung the shinai about and up into his chin, launching his sunglasses straight up into the air and him into the wall next to the school's front doors.
The sunglasses fell down, Akane catching them above her head as she lowered the shinai in one hand. Without fanfare she put them on and resumed walking up the stairs, joining Katie who didn't stop walking as Akane assaulted the two men.
At the door, Katie stopped Akane and handed her candy bar back. Taking it, she noticed that there was a bite missing, and she shot a look at the taller girl. "… You…"
Katie just flashed her a grin, before she raised her foot and kicked open the doors with all her might. As the doors crashed open, two more of Mendou's bodyguards, who'd been having idle conversation whirled towards them, one of them quickly reaching in his jacket for a weapon-
Katie's knee crashed into the side of his head, and she launched him into the wall to her right as Akane's shinai lifted the second man with a direct hit to his gut and slammed him into the ceiling. By the time he slipped out of the indent he made in the ceiling and fell back to the floor an unconscious heap, both girls were already taking a right and walking down the long, empty hallway.
"I hope it gets better from here," Akane said to Katie.
"I don't, to quote the greatest love of my life: seal-clubbing is always fun," Katie replied.
A/N: Living in this 21st Century, doing something mean to it…