The One Where...He and She are Friends with Benefits, but Both Want More (Whatever That is)

Subjects: Uchiha Sasuke and Haruno Sakura

Hypothesis: They still do each other regardless of whether they're officially in a relationship or not. Why should I devote a fraction of my heart to this?

The Fourth Shinobi World War was finally over. Lives were sacrified, but peace was achieved.

How naïve we were to believe so.

Now, you're probably wondering: Which idiot decided to ruin it for us? First, there were two idiots. Second, while our village was physically safe, it was not for our social life. And lastly, these two idiots were literally, well...fucking. So who were these two idiots who decided to disrupt the village peace?

Technically, their names are Uchiha Sasuke and Haruno Sakura, but they should change it to "Dumbass" and "Baffoon" because they are making a normal, healthy activity between a man and a woman a disturbance of the peace. It's very troublesome.

To be honest, I didn't learn about their "friends-with-benefits" relationship from gossip. I just happen to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. And by that, I mean multiple places and times. The only errand I had that day was to drop off my clan medicine for some research at the hospital. Before I knocked on Sakura's door, I heard them. And by them, I mean their awful moans.

"Ugh, f-faster S-Sasuke!" I naïvely hoped those two were eating a quick lunch.

"D-Damnit, s-so tight." More moans follow.

Oh, Uchiha Sasuke and Haruno Sakura are doing each other but aren't in a relationship. Huh.

Awkward silence from my sign. Moans and grunts from the other.

That's cool. This should have no significance in my life. I'm honest. I know it's juicy gossip, but it's the bottom of my list of important things to care about What really irked me was that I always just happen to be around when they're doing each other. Going to the training grounds? See them doing each other. Pass by Sakura's place at two in the morning after a long mission? Hear Sasuke curse and moan from her window. Send a message to Sasuke at his apartment? Hear them do S&M (it sounds way less sexy in reality than the movies, let's be real.). Chilling in my bedroom? Pants of "Sasuke-kun" and "Sakura" echoing from my wind-wait a second...

HOLD UP WHY ARE YOU TWO DOING IT IN MY CLAN FOREST? THAT IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED FOR NON-MEMBERS OF THE NARA CLAN! THERE ARE YOUNG DEERS THERE OH MY GOD ZIP UP YOUR PANTS, SASUKE! SAKURA, STOP MOANING SO LOUD, YOU'RE SCARING OFF THE BABIES! AND IT'S FOUR IN THE EVENING! COULD YOU AT LEAST WAIT UNTIL THE SUN WAS DOWN? YOU JUST HAD TO GO TO THE ONE PART OF THE FOREST THAT HAPPENS TO BE NEAR MY BEDROOM! YOU TWO ARE DOING THIS ON PURPOSE!

How rude of them.

Here's a fact about friends with benefits: they think they act so discretely that nobody knows, but guess what? Everybody knows. We're freakin' shinobi, damnit. If we can spy on evil warlords for years without being caught, then we can certainly catch the latest gossip with no effort. Especially if they're doing each other in my clan forest.

"They're friends who like to have sex with each other," Naruto had described to me annoyed. Yes, because that should be perfectly normal. People do each other all the time, friend or not.

Clearly, everybody is not happy. Ino and Naruto want to strangle Sasuke and lecture Sakura for days. Kakashi gives them those subliminal advice where he's vague behind his porn book, but both know exactly what he's referring to. Then there are the men brave enough to ask Sakura on a real date, only to be scared away by a certain Uchiha. Coward. And if some scantly-clad woman hits on Sasuke at a club? Sakura is more than willing to throw some shade at her. Ooohhh, so heated. Which, again, always leads them to making out when I'm literally a yard away. Troublesome.

Did I do something in our past lives to annoy them? Did I disrupt their relationship in another generation? Why does this keep happening to me?

By all means, have sex, make angsty babies, give blowjobs, roleplay master/slave, why you should I care? Well guess what? I do care very much. Not as a friend, but as a loyal citizen of Konohagakure. Because what should be a simple contract between two people is blown out of proportion 'cause Sasuke and Sakura start having these so-called "feelings" that could potentially ruin their friendship. Gasp, shocker, tears, I'm heartbroken.

Not. It's pathetic how they let their feelings get in the way of a healthy exercise between man and woman. Above all, it is dividing our village more than the Fourth Shinobi War did. Aren't you two shinobi who must hide their feelings? Why exactly are they doing each other again?

"i need to feel alive." Uchiha, we just won the freakin' war. How much more alive do you have to be, you vengeful maniac? Fine, but why is Sakura so annoyed? I can tell because when I went in for a physical exam after a mission, Sakura wrapped her bandages so tight that I started bleeding again, cursing under her breath about the last Uchiha standing Not to mention, she doesn't give me warnings about the multiple shots. That's on you, Uchiha.

Come on, Sasuke, stop pissing off my doctor. Can't you see I'm in pain here? You have no idea how much this hurts compares to your dumb feelings.

"I want more from us," I once overheard Sakura say to Sasuke in some deep conversation. Okay Sakura, what exactly is "more?" You can't just say that to a guy, let alone Uchiha Sasuke, and expect him to understand. What is "more?" A relationship, a friend, a marriage, money? Specify! Not everybody devoted their lives to romance movies, especially when you fall in love with a dumbass who decides to ditch our village to kill off his brother, only to discover some dark plot of the village, then proceeds to throw a vendetta on whatever is possible. Seriously, you're a doctor, Sakura. Think harder.

Friends with benefits sounds excellent in theory, but terrible in execution. Like communism.

Anyway, I'm nearly done with those two. Sasuke keeps having these jealous streaks where he orders Sakura to stop hanging out with handsome guys and Sakura yells at him that he has no control any of her actions because she doesn't belong to anybody. It's pretty much the same argument every three days, so I'm already bored-Wait, Tsunade summoned me for a mission? I'm the team leader? With who?

Well, fuck. I'm on a mission. with Uchiha Sasuke and Haruno Sakura. A seduction mission, nonetheless. How am I supposed to deal with their sexual tension?

Seriously, I'm 99% certain I screwed with those two in a previous reincarnation and karma is finally happening.

A seduction mission is one of the most simplest A-rank missions there is. You investigate some underground drug lord who fancies young women, using a kunoichi as said pretty girl while you have a small backup team. In this mission, the drug lord doesn't even have jonin-level ninjas. It's just a bunch of street bodyguards and the only reason Sasuke and I are present is to do recon on the drugs collected and the victims affected. A simple task for professional shinobi, right?

Wrong, because somebody couldn't keep their hormones in check and someone else decided to use this moment to purposely rile up the other. Never go in a mission with two people too emotionally invested with each other, but are in complete denial. While investigating in the club, Sakura decides to brush her hand a little too close to dumb drug lord's crotch, knowing very well Sasuke is watching very closely. This inevitably enrages Sasuke enough to crush a shot glass in his bare hands, shards hitting my cheek. His fist is bleeding red just like his activated Sharingan. Even his chakra feels darker. See where I'm getting at

They fuckin' scarred my cheek without touching me. They're trying to murder me. Karma is revealing itself.

Damnit, Sakura, stop giving Sasuke that evil, lustful look to piss him even more. You're just as fault too in this situation. Besides, this is a legit mission where I would like to get paid or else my mother will stop feeding me. Oh, I guess Sakura is quite enjoying herself with the weird drug lord dude making out with her neck. Yes, thank god she has a needle in her handle. From the looks, it's definitely a slow-acting sedative that will surely make him easily manipulated-What the fuck, Sasuke, why are you breaking chairs? Don't you know we have to pay for that-no, stop marching over there. My god, Sasuke, do not ruin this mis-Oh, hell no, he did not just start choking drug lord weiner-

UCHIHA SASUKE YOU ARE A SHINOBI ON A MISSION! WHY ARE YOU RUINING IT?! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO DAMN JEALOUS? DON'T YOU REALIZE MY CAREER IS IN JEOPARDY BECAUSE YOUR LITTLE BOY DOWN THERE COULDN'T CONTROL HIMSELF IN FRONT OF SAKURA? I DON'T CARE IF YOUR HEART GETS BROKEN, BUT YOU ARE NOT SABOTAGING MY MISSION! LEGALLY I CAN'T THROW ROCKS AT YOUR FACE BUT I CAN WRITE YOU TWO OFF AS TERRIBLE ON PAPER! DISGRACEFUL SHINOBI! UNPROFESSIONAL MISCONDUCT!

AND SAKURA YOU KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN! I WAS SO PROUD OF YOU WITH THE SECRET NEEDLE BUT THEN YOU DECIDED TO TAUNT SASUKE EVEN MORE WITH THAT FAKE LAUGHTER, TEASING HIS COLD-HEART DICK UNTIL HE COULDN'T TAKE IT! WHY COULDN'T YOU, THE BIGGER PERSON OUT OF THIS WEIRD FRIENDS-WITH-BENEFIT RELATIONSHIP, LEAD A NORMAL CONVERSATION? I'LL WRITE YOU OFF TOO! UNNECESSARY DELAY! UNPROFESSIONAL MISCONDUCT!

God, I hate these two. There blows two weeks of a paycheck.

Conclusion: It is too troublesome to deal with the emotional and physical relationship of Uchiha Sasuke and Haruno Sakura. It'll take some life-threatening situation for those two to develop into a real relationship. I don't know, let's add some random Orochimaru/Akatsuki follower to threaten Sasuke with Sakura and shit can happen. I don't care; I won't take part until I see some huge numbers in my bank account.