The door to their bedroom creaked open. Her eyelids snapped shut.
No! I have to do this, she thought. I need something better,a new life, a new man. A better man.
"Clary?" He asked, his voice soft. "Are you awake, baby?"
She sat up. His eyes were so excited. It made her heart wrench at what she was about to do.
"I have a surprise, baby. I got a job! We can get married, and have two kids," he sounded so excited, pushing his glasses up.
Clary gulped. What the hell was she supposed to do this now? "That's great, Seb."
"You don't sound excited," Sebastian murmured, sitting down next to her.
Clary shook her head, a faux smile on her face. "No, baby, trust me I'm pumped. It's just, you woke me up."
Sebastian grinned childishly. "Oh. Well, in that case, I guess I'll let you sleep when you answer my question. Will you marry me?"
It was every girl's dream. Sebastian was a sweetheart. He wasn't the most attractive of all men, what with his big nose, but he was so kind. He wouldn't argue, but he wouldn't let her walk all over him either.
So that's what Clary told herself. She would learn to love him for more than just a friend. "Yes."
When they first started dating, Clary had always told herself that Sebastian wouldn't cheat on her. He wouldn't dare. His mother was a strict Christian lady who believed strongly in the sixth commandment.
She always compared Sebastian to him. His level of appeal was next to zero compared to his. His personality didn't have as much edge. He didn't have a bad past that somehow made him better, proving him strong.
But he didn't cheat on her. Not once did Sebastian Verlac ever think about cheating on her.
It was her last year in college when she actually fell in love.
She stumbled down the steps. There was no one in her art class who had a class even near her's, and some didn't even have a class. They would head to their dorms, across campus from Clary.
So not only was Clary going down stairs, but she had an armful of art supplies, and crutches.
So when she stumbled and fell down the next three steps, it wasn't a surprise.
Footsteps echoed as someone came down. Clary swallowed. This would be so embarrassing.
And it was worse when it was a hot guy came down the stairs.
No joke. Hot. H-O-T. Sexy.
His amused eyes glinted. "Need some help there, Red?"
Her cheeks lit up and she nodded slowly. She was an independent girl. She didn't believe in the Bella Swan method of, "I get all the credit for winning a war against sixteen vampires, but really I'm just a damsel in distress!"
So admitting she needed help was a challenge to say in the least.
He first picked up her crutches, before taking her hand and pulling her gently up. He handed her the crutches before picking up her books. Clary held out her hands, expecting the bookbag to go on again.
Mr. Sexy rolled his eyes before shaking his head. "No. I'm walking you to class. We don't need you in a wheelchair."
Her cheeks flushed and he laughed. "Where to?" He asked.
Mr. Sexy was Sebastian's best friend before Sebastian and I got together, so it wasn't surprising to see him at the engagement party.
"Clary!" Jace grinned. "Congratulations."
He was hiding something. After dating for five years, I knew how to read his facial expressions.
"Jace, don't do this right now," I sighed.
His mouth went to a straight line. "Do what, Clary? Remind you of how you don't love him? What is marriage to you, I you think marrying a man you don't love is a good marriage?"
"I do love him," I said quietly.
Jace scoffed. "Not in a relationship way."
I glared at him, putting my foot down right then. "Shut it, Herondale. Don't ruin my life like you did before."
I stomped off, trying to hold back my tears.
He was completely correct. I didn't love him. I loved him enough to care about him, but I didn't love him. I'd played with the idea so many times, but I couldn't teach myself to love someone.
I was a strong, independent thirty year old girl. I could say no when I needed to, but now whenever I needed to break it off the most, I couldn't.
Sebastian grinned when I came to him, kissing my cheek. "Hey, baby," he murmured. "Do you like the party?"
I grinned, rolling my eyes. "I designed the party, Seb. Of course I like it."
He chuckled, throwing an arm around my shoulders. "I meant, are you okay with the arrangement of guests?"
I shrugged the comment amiss. "What's not to like?" I bit my lip after I said that, thinking of Jace.
Sebastian grinned widely, obviously pleased he'd made me happy.
Don't you know that you aren't making me happy? Someone I haven't seen in two years knows I'm not happy, why can't you? Her mind screamed, wishing so badly it could make her mouth move and push the words out of her mouth.
"I love you," he murmured. "I didn't tell you that this morning."
She faked a giggle. "I love you, too."
Say it! You don't! You idiot!
Her eyes met with Jace's across the room, her plea for a savior. It was a low shot, she knew. He might not even help.
He shook his head slightly, and she turned back to Sebastian with a faux smile. "I'm going to go talk to Simon."
He nodded through his daze off in space.
She sauntered away, her silver heels clicking on the marble floor.
Simon and Isabelle were dancing. She sighed, no other excuse to give to Sebastian for leaving him at his engagement party.
She sat on the couch, cradling her face in her hands.
By the time someone sat next to her, at least eight waiters had asked her if she wanted a drink.
"I don't understand, Clary," the familiar voice said. "Why stay? You wanted me to get you away from him, and yet you're staying."
"I want a better man," she murmured. "One who I can actually love. Someone who didn't drop out of four different colleges before deciding to just take online courses. Someone who is mysterious, and yet not. Someone who actually give me attractive kids."
Jace snorted. "You have that right in front of you."
She scoffed. "You don't count. You cheated on me."
He rolled his eyes. "I was helping her, dammit!"
"You can't keep pushing me away from him and towards you. We're engaged, Jace, doesn't that mean anything to you?"
"Doesn't love mean anything to you?"
"No. I can't find anyone better that I could love, so no."
"You have me."
She finally looked at him, raising her head from her hands. He looked desperate, like a child scared of the dark searching for his only comfort - his teddy bear - only to remember that he left it in the car.
"I don't. I have Sebastian."
Everything was red, blood red. The mountains were red, her hands had so many blisters they looked red. The flames surrounding her were red, making everything around her crash to the ground, blazing red before they collided with the fire.
Her feet were so sore from running from everything crashing around her. When she would stop, something would hit her, pure cruelty as something evil laughed in the distance.
She could see green ahead of her, something golden standing beautifully, but with each step she took, the place got farther.
So she raced to the top of the mountain, hoping the fire was afraid of heights. Her feet were covered with blisters, ugly huge blisters. They looked eight times their actual size because they were so swollen.
She panted, her lungs burning her from encasing the smoke and carrying her through miles of running.
She reached the top, seeing a figure with long black wings. He was hideous, dark black goopy skin, making a pool of sludge around his feet, slowly racing towards her. Somehow, she knew what it would do. It would entrap her, forever this horrible creature's pet.
He turned slowly.
She gasped with recognition. "Sebastian."
He smiled, and his teeth were yellow and black, each sharpened to a fang. "Clary. I've waited so long for this moment. I love you, my dear."
"I want to get out of here," she whimpered. "I'm scared."
He cackled, the sludge at his feet moving faster. "You can't."
"I'd rather jump than be with you," she whispered. "You're a monster."
The sludge was facing towards her, and as she jumped, it caught her toe, yanking it off.
The blood pouring out was heavy and disgustingly bright.
She tumbled down, dying slowly as she couldn't catch her breath.
She was screaming, she noticed, wasting the air she had left in her lungs. She stopped then, watching the fire as it was closer to enveloping her.
She suddenly was caught, a slow drift now and instead of heading towards the fire, she was heading towards the green paradise.
She was set on the ground, and she lost her balance due to the loss of her toe.
"Oh my," the voice behind her murmured. "You look awful. Here."
He waved his hand and she was suddenly lifted and twirled around in the air.
She as gently set back on the ground, and a mirror appeared in front of her.
She wore a sleeveless dress, the white brighter than any white she'd seen. A gold belt wrapped around her waist. Her feet were bare, but renewed to pale and ten toes.
Her hair was wrapped in a braid, tumbling down to her waist over her shoulder. Gold was woven through.
She turned slowly towards her savior, and it was Jace.
A sudden agony filled her back and her screams echoed through the air.
He knelt down next to her, "It will be over in a moment, my dear. They have chosen you."
Something was tearing it's way through her spine, reshaping it, tearing through the bone and muscle surrounding it.
The fabric of her dress was torn in back, making way for two things popping out.
Suddenly the pain was gone except for a small nagging.
She stood up and surrounding her were a beautiful pair of white wings, expanding to twelve feet. They were just like her savior's except his were a proud gold.
He turned her then, showing her thousands of stoic people, watching them with a smile.
"All hail Princess Clarissa!" He shouted, and he began lifting her into the air, their wings flapping simultaneously.
She turned towards him then, a soft smile on her face.
"My princess," he murmured and right before they kissed she woke up.
She shot up to see Sebastian standing at the edge of the bed. A frown was prominent on his face. "I'd rather jump than be with you, you monster? My princess? What the hell, Clarissa? You said names as you recognize them, I assume. I'm a monster and Jace is some angelic prince?"
She rolled her eyes. "Good morning to you too. And it was just dream. Nothing that matters."
"I'm a therapist, Clarissa. I know what dreams mean."
"Don't you dare call me Clarissa. You don't get to use my name against me."
"You're not denying that I'm a fucking monster Jace is a prince? Oh how grand!"
She flinched. He never swore at that intensity unless he was actually angry or drunk. "You need to calm down, Sebastian. It was just a dream."
"Bullshit."
"Sebastian, I love you, not him. I'm marrying you, not him. It was just a dream."
Why are you saying this? her brain shouted. This is your way out!
Sebastian inhaled deeply. "Clary, I can't give myself away to someone who doesn't love me."
"I love you, Seb." Liar. Better man. Better man. Better man.
"I just need time to think. I'll be back. Don't wait up."
Her fingers drummed on the coffee table. She didn't know why she was here. She never came anymore since her and Jace broke up.
"Fancy seeing you here," a voice said melodiously.
Her green eyes looked up in curiosity. She didn't recognize the voice or the person in front of her.
She had long blonde hair, waist length. It was straight and silky. Her eyes were sharp blue, almost piercing into her. "I'm Ciara. I have some inside information for you. Clary, right?"
"Right. Inside information about what?"
"Your little issue. I'm a friend of Jace's, and since you never listened to him, I'm here to set you straight."
"Straight about what?"
"A lot of stuff. This may take a while. Let's see… You're miserable, correct? You are marrying a man you don't love, and yet you can't tell him no, that you don't love him."
Clary opened her mouth, but Ciara wagged a finger in the air, silencing her. She began digging in her purse, before pulling out a ring.
It was an engagement ring, obviously. A diamond sparkled beautifully on a silver ring. It was simple, and yet beautiful.
"I got married to a man who I didn't love, Clary. I didn't realize I didn't love him until I married him, and I couldn't back out then. You have a chance to back out, I didn't. I was miserable, feeling annoyed each time he said something, each time he tried to woo me into his bed.
"Clary, love is everything in a marriage. You can't learn to love someone, just like you can't learn to make something rough feel soft. It is your choice, of course, but Jace wouldn't want you miserable."
Clary ran her fingers through her hair. "Sebastian's not dumb. He's figuring it out. He'll break it off before I have the courage to, I don't doubt."
Ciara smirked, running a painted finger down the table. "Next. You never did listen to the full story of Jace's. He kissed Aline Penhallow, right? It was an experiment, not for him but for her. She was an undecided lesbian, meaning she didn't know if she was or not.
"See, Jace is everyone's type. She kissed him, wanting to know if she felt anything. She was repulsed, and you walked in at the complete wrong point."
Clary closed her eyes. She pushed away the feelings. Jace was trying tp worm his way back into her heart, but it was too late.
"Goodbye Ciara. It was a pleasure meeting you."
"Get out!" he shouted. "I need to think, and I can't do it with you bitching in my ear!"
He was drunk. It was obvious, the smell of whiskey, scotch, and vodka burning her nose as she inhaled.
Sebastian always swore he would never drink. His father was a drunk, and he didn't want addiction problems passed down.
"Where the hell am I supposed to go then, Seb?" she whispered.
"Away."
She closed the door then, dialing Isabelle's number.
"Clary, hey! Look, I'm on a date with Simon, sorry. Can I talk to you later?"
"Yeah, yeah," she sniffed. "I'll just call someone else. Have fun, Iz."
"Wait, Clary, are you all-"
She hung up, dialing a number she hadn't in forever.
"Clary?"
"Jace? I need a place to sleep tonight."
Her spine cracked when she awoke in the morning. He tried to get her to take the bed, but she said if he slept on the couch then she'd sleep on the floor.
So she did.
"Hey, you want pancakes?" Jace called.
"Sure," she groaned.
She padded into the kitchen, grabbing orange juice and a cup.
Clary turned then, and somehow she was in Jace's embrace, and then someone leaned forward and their lips connected.
She wasn't thinking. Electric jolts went through her, such a beautiful feeling.
She tossed her fingers into his silky hair, and he jolted back then. "Clary," he whispered. "Clary, I'm sorry."
He was drenched, the orange juice in her hand had spilled when she tossed her hands in his hair.
She touched her lips, alarm jolting through her. "Oh my God. I cheated on him. Oh my God."
Tears began to swim in her eyes. Her life was crashing apart slowly and she didn't know when it had began.
"I have to go, Jace."
When she got back, Sebastian wasn't home. A sob racked out of her throat as she fumbled with her keys.
The smell of alcohol was still in the air. She picked a bottle up off the floor, slamming herself down on the couch.
"No one has to know," she murmured. "It would be impossible for them to find out. No one knows."
And as she downed the alcohol, she repeated the mantra over and over until she slurred over them so many times that she couldn't remember what was going on.
He looked proud, her father did.
Her arm was in his as they walked down the aisle towards Sebastian. It was almost forgettable that her father approved of Jace more than Sebastian. She could almost imagine that he thought the groom was Jace and the best man was Sebastian instead of vise versa.
Sebastian was smiling so wide. He'd forgotten the argument that had occurred when he came home to Clary in an alcohol induced coma.
The priest words droned on until, he finally said to state the vows.
"Clary, I love you. I remember how broken you looked when he cheated on you, and how you came to me. And then I remember hoping that you would always come to me with every hardship. I hope you still do come to me first, because you know I will always be there for you. I love you Clary, and I will always be there for you."
Suddenly, the words she had planned for her vows disappeared, her mind finally winning. Tell him you don't love him. He'll survive.
"Sebastian, I love you. I really do. And it's because of that I have to tell you this.
"I don't love you as a lover, as a wife. I love you as a friend, because that's what you have been to me forever. I can't love you as anything else. I'm sorry."
And then she walked down the alter, her white dress flowing behind her.
She was Jace's. She would always be Jace's. She had found her better man, and she married him a year later.
"Better Man"
Waitin', watchin' the clock, it's four o'clock, it's got to stop
Tell him, take no more, she practices her speech
As he opens the door, she rolls over...
Pretends to sleep as he looks her over
She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man...
She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better man...
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Ohh...
Talkin' to herself, there's no one else who needs to know...
She tells herself, oh...
Memories back when she was bold and strong
And waiting for the world to come along...
Swears she knew it, now she swears he's gone
She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man...
She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better man...
She lies and says she still loves him, can't find a better man...
She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better man...
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Yeah...
She loved him, yeah... she don't want to leave this way
She feeds him, yeah... that's why she'll be back again
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better... man...