A/N: Quick update this time (who knew?)! Thanks for the reviews, everyone! Feedback is an author's heroin. Or second heroin if the author already does heroin. I don't, though. Crack's a different story. CRACK!FIC TIME?! Okay, kidding about the crack. And Crack!Fic. Which is worse? Okay, enough with the drug references...Chapter 6 awaits, and it's a longer one! (P.S. The "Huffy Hylian" part of the chapter title refers to Zelda. I couldn't think of any synonyms for "moody" that started with a Z.)

Chapter 6: Sexy Samus? Huffy Hylian? Peachy...Peach?

Samus trudged into her room, threw her helmet against the wall, and slumped down into an armchair.

"I surrender," she said to Peach and Zelda, who were sitting at the computer.

A full week had passed since the three first attempted to expose a romance between Meta Knight and Jigglypuff. After their failed initial meetings, they took to several different approaches. Their most recent plan involved getting Jiggylpuff and Meta Knight in the cafeteria at the same time, then having Samus enter in full armor and harass Jigglypuff. The goal was to get Meta Knight to come to the Pokemon's rescue, thus proving the otherwise dark figure's affections.

In reality, once Samus stopped shooting missiles at Jigglypuff (purposively making them just miss) and started charging her blaster, Meta Knight had thrown his tray into the trash and left without a word. A split-second later, Master Hand swooped in the room. Misjudging Samus' innocent efforts for severe rule-breaking, he was quick to punish the bounty hunter.

"A one-week ban from all pre-tournament scrimmages and training," she cursed. "Plus, my suit's weapons have been deactivated to prevent me from 'giving in to combative temptations again.' Bullshit."

"That's terrible," Peach said, patting Samus on the knee sympathetically. "But maybe we're onto something! You said Master Hand came in right after Meta Knight left. Maybe Meta Knight alerted him in order to protect Jigglypuff!"

"Oh, quit digging, Peach," Samus ranted. "This couple is a lost cause. Besides, I don't even know what he would see in her. No one can understand her except for the Pokemon Trainer. I mean what sort of species communicates by speaking its own damn name repeatedly? What if I just walked around all day saying, 'Samus Sam Samus?' How stupid! Let's just move along before I get kicked out of the mansion altogether for this stupid cause."

There was a small awkward pause. Samus had never before gone on like that.

"How about the Link and Pit pairing? Those are popular," said Peach, studying a poster she had drawn up with all of the possible couples.

"Link?" Samus inhaled sharply through her teeth. "I don't know. How do you feel about that, Zelda?"

Zelda had been quiet since Samus entered the room. Her eyes remained glued to the computer screen.

"I don't know if I want to do this any more," she said quietly.

"Okaaaaaaaay, we won't investigate Link and Pit," Peach pouted, crossing her arms over her pink dress.

"No, it's not that," said Zelda. "I think we're just reading into this silly Web site too much."

"C'mon, Princess," Samus said, a hint of mockery in her voice. "I'm the one that just got a hefty penalty slapped on by Master Hand. Do you see me quitting?"

"Maybe you should!" Zelda snapped, her usual regal demeanor breaking. "None of these couples are even true anyway! Plus, most of these stories are just so vulgar. Why waste our time on something so blatantly fictitious?"

With that she gracefully slid out of the computer seat and left the room.

"What the hell is her problem?" Samus stared after her while Peach just shook her head in bewilderment. Samus looked at the remaining princess, "It looks like it's just you and me for this one."

.....

Samus sneered as she looked in the mirror. The form-fitting, pale blue dress was cute, but it just wasn't her. Peach insisted she buy it, though, after the princess' dresses proved to be too small for the curvy bounty hunter. She gazed longingly at her discarded zero suit. Why had she agreed to do this?

After much deliberation, Peach had proposed the idea to make advances on Link and Pit to see if either showed signs of interest in the girls. That, she said, would be the first sign that the two were not involved with each other.

"Are you sure this won't be coming on too strong?" Samus asked desperately while being fitted.

"Men are visual creatures," Peach said sagely. "You could come in naked and it still wouldn't be 'too strong.'"

"I'd rather be naked than in this get-up," Samus mumbled.

Peach was a sight to behold, heckling the saleswoman to pin the dress here and hem it there. After what seemed like an eternity, Samus emerged from the fitting room ready to rock Link's tights off. The princess had also royally decreed that Samus wear a bit of make-up before her encounter.

"I look like a clown," Samus said bluntly.

"Toadstools. You look positively pulchritudinous!" said Peach excitedly. "This mixture of light and neutral eye shadow as well as a touch of powder and the dress itself brings out the blue in your eyes so nicely."

"Whatever," Samus said. "Are you sure this will even work? Most of the guys in the mansion don't really look at me like that." Probably because they're all doing each other, she added silently.

"It's because you're usually in that hideous suit," Peach said calmly and started to push Samus out the door. "You have an incredible figure. Flaunt it!"

.....

Samus found Link alone on a wooden glider swing by the lake outside the mansion. He was busy playing a song on some sort of oval-esque instrument. He didn't even notice Samus until she sat down next to him.

"That's a pretty tune," she said and nodded towards to the instrument. "What is it?"

"Thank you. It's an oca-" he did a double-take and his jaw dropped. "Samus!?"

Suddenly self-conscious, Samus folded her arms over her lap, as if embarrassed to be seen in such an outfit. She pretended to ignore his gawking, "It's a what?"

"An ocarina," he said slowly, still staring. "I've never seen you like this before."

"Yeah, well. Guess I'm not always battle-oriented," she said.

"I'd say not," Link said. "You look stunning."

Samus paused and mulled over the last comment. Would a man...involved with another man...say that? There wasn't much innuendo in his comment, so it was hard to tell. She had no idea where to go from here. While not inexperienced with men, she was a novice in the field of flirting. In her galactic travels, she'd had her share of flings. Those, however, were heat-of-the-moment dalliances with dark, mysterious fellow bounty hunters. Not much flirting was involved. Especially with a clean and shiny Hero of Time. I could sure use Zelda's help now. She thought. That's it! Zelda!

"So how long have you and Zelda known each other?" Samus asked.

"Not sure. The timeline is a bit confusing," Link said, looking slightly confused himself.

Stupid! Samus thought, mentally slapping herself. Why in the hell would I bring up another girl when I'm supposed to be hitting on him? Okay, what does he like. She racked her brain for all that she knew about him. Big swords? Leggings? Fairies? Oh God, he is gay. No, no. Can't jump to conclusions. Say something!

"Cute leggings," she found herself saying.

Link blinked.

Oh God! Help!

"What I mean to say was, your outfit is very unique. Is that a typical style where you're from?" Samus managed, thanking whatever Divine Being provided her that save.

"I was abandoned as a baby by my mother in a time of war and left to the care of the Great Deku Tree in the Kokiri Forest," he said. "The Kokiri are forest folk, and this is the way they traditionally dress."

"Ah," she said, and the conversation died again. Not much of a talker, are we, Link? She thought. Samus dug through her memory for all of the romance films she had ever seen. What did they do in all of those? Screw? If it comes to it, maybe, but he's not really my type. Say a lot of sappy lines? No, thanks. Go on dates to unique locations? Well, the Smash grounds kind of limits us. Chase through the airport before the other boards the airplane? That won't work. Go on a romantic walk? The girl always gets cold, and they always hold hands. There we go!

"Want to go on a walk?" she asked brightly. "I feel restless."

He shrugged, "Sure."

They walked into the trees and down a path that Ike and Marth had cleared out with their swords. Samus suppressed a smile as her mind wandered about Marth and Ike in the woods together with their swords.

Samus fake-shivered. "It's a lot chillier in here," she said, almost gagging on how ridiculous she was sounding.

"Good thing I carry two extra tunics around with me at all times!" Link said cheerily. "Red or blue?"

Samus wondered what Peach would say if the princess saw her with Link's red fire tunic on over the blue dress. "Red on blue?! You might as well have worn your grandma's brown wool cardigan and gray frock!" imagining the princess' voice in her head.

As they walked, Samus occasionally brushed Link's hand with her own. After a few times of it happening, he stopped in his tracks.

"If the path isn't wide enough for you, we can walk single-file," he offered earnestly. "Ladies first."

Samus charged ahead, rolling her eyes. The dense gentleman.

They eventually came upon a grassy clearing. Samus seized this opportunity to shed the tunic and stretch out on the grass. Link hovered awkwardly.

"Join me," she said, hoping to sound seductive.

He sat cross-legged next to her and looked at the stars. She leaned against his knee, making a great effort to pose herself as sexily as possible. It was hopeless. Link just kept pointing out different constellations and stars. After a half-hour of this, Samus was beyond irritated.

Here I am! An apparently good-looking, scantily-clad woman in this call girl dress! All alone with you in the middle of the woods on a beautiful, warm night! I'm practically throwing myself on you, you thickheaded fool, and all you can do is talk about the "lovely bird calls" or Orion's damned belt!

"What the hell is wrong with you!?" she suddenly spat and stormed away.

Another A/N: Cookie to anyone who can guess what Zelda was so worked up about earlier. More about that next chapter! Hope my fellow Ocarina of Time fans enjoyed the references :)