Finally it was time and the boys went onstage while I waited in the wings for my cue.
We started off the show with a crowd favorite
For Your Entertainment (by Adam Lambert)
Followed by
Raise your glass (by Pink) and Love the Way You Lie (P3 by Skylar Grey)
According to You (by Orianthi) and Riot (by Three Days Grace)
Scars (by Papa Roach) and Eyes Open (by Taylor Swift)
It was hard to stay focused in the present and not be drawn in to the memories that inspired the songs. I always had trouble with that but with the recent reminders and presence of the Cullens it was worse than usual.
We ended the show with Who's that Girl (by Hilary Duff). I remember writing it my lowest point stuck in a downward spiral of drinking and drugs at age sixteen.
There were places we would go at midnight
There were secrets that nobody else would know
There's a reason but I don't know why
I don't know why, I don't know why
I thought they all belonged to me
(I remember treating my friends like crap and screaming on the inside)
Who's that girl? Where's she from?
No she can't be the one, That you want
That has stolen my world
It's not real, it's not right
It's my day, it's my night
By the way
Who's that girl living my life?
Oh no, living my life
(I was out of control. I didn't know who I was anymore)
Seems like everything's the same around me
Then I look again and everything has changed
I'm not dreaming so I don't know why
I don't know why, I don't know why
She's everywhere I wanna be
Who's that girl? Where's she from?
No she can't be the one, That you want
That has stolen my world
It's not real, it's not right
It's my day, it's my night
By the way
Who's that girl living my life?
(I remember the anger and self hate, the feeling of hopelessness)
I'm the one who made you laugh
Who made you feel, And made you sad
I'm not sorry, For what we did
For who we were
I'm not sorry, I'm not her
(I was cutting and starting fights just to feel in control)
Who's that girl? Where's she from?
No she can't be the one, That you want
That has stolen my world
It's not real, it's not right
It's my day, it's my night
By the way
Who's that girl living my life?
Oh no, living my life
I was crying by the end and quickly exited and locked myself in a bathroom to calm down. I finished off my bottle of Vodka and washed my face. I was drawn into memories again.
All the drinking and drugs
Waking up with no idea of where I was or what happened
The sex with random strangers
The cutting and overdosing, almost dying several times
Getting shot during a bar fight
Being stabbed in other fights
Blowing off school and pushing friends away
I remembered how it all started, what pushed me over the edge. Being grabbed on my way home from the library and pulled into an alley by several drunken men. How they ripped off my clothes and took turns with me. Then leaving me there unconscious and naked to be found the next day half dead from the cold rain.
I pushed the memories away and put on my happy face and went back out to greet the crowd of fans.
After the show we stuck around to sign more autographs then headed home and collapsed in bed. The boys fell asleep easily and after sneaking back down to the jeep for my bag and half a bottle of Rum I followed. I slept in the next morning only getting up when Todd came and got me for Lunch.