Chapter Five

Older and Far Away

.

But I really wanted you to stay

And then I let you just slip away

~ Jordan Knight

.

.

A bouncing, trundling cart was not the most ideal of places to hold a lesson, but over the past year of nearly constant travel, Elissa and Daniel had learned to adjust. She couldn't very well have called a halt in the march for several hours a day to see to his schooling, and so instead spent that time riding next to him and using what bard's lore she knew, rather than books, so the lurch of motion combined with trying to read didn't make him ill. A little practice with letters didn't hurt, though, and Daniel curled up beside her with his book in his lap and concentrated hard to find the characters he knew, asking about the ones he didn't. He took to his lessons the same way he did everything else, with quiet interest and minimal fuss, eager to reach the point where the strange marks looping across the page would magically become words he could understand.

For most of her life, Elissa had scorned the countless hours she saw as wasted on her own lessons—ignorance only the youngest daughter of a rich family, with access to one of the best educations in Ferelden, could be arrogant enough to achieve. Motherhood had snapped many things into perspective for that carefree and often careless girl. It had granted her with a desire to give her tiny, miraculous son every part of the world that was in her power to offer, and to reach further and grasp at things that weren't after he had it all.

Daniel was like a sponge under her tutoring, his wide hazel eyes absorbing the world around him in an earnest desire to know. Fergus had been similar as a child, she dimly recalled, pestering Aldous for obscure bits of lore or the proper way to use a new word while his more rambunctious sister flitted away her education reading fairytales and poetry instead of history and law like a proper lady should have.

How he laughed when he saw her now.

A shadow fell over the pair as a rider pulled alongside the cart, and Elissa knew without looking up that it would be Alistair. It had been a slightly terrifying discovery when she realized she could still feel him, easily singling him out from the crowd of Wardens that constantly surrounded her. He had also taken to cornering her at every opportunity, grasping and almost desperate for something he had expected to be there that wasn't, and she was at a loss on how to help him find it. She was too torn between feeling an unnerving sense of something sliding back into place the moment she saw him—despite her best efforts, the passing years had carried the odd sensation that someone was missing—and the more urgent desire to keep her distance and her sanity. His very presence summoned a wave of hesitance and guilt that threatened to drown her.

Daniel suffered from no such crisis of resolution, and he looked up from his book and waved happily at the king's approach. And he was the king, she told herself stubbornly. Not Alistair.

Never Alistair.

"May I?" she heard him ask, and Daniel readily handed the book over. She could hear the humor in his tone as he read the Orlesian title aloud in an accent that bespoke some practice with the language before he handed it back. "Kind of hefty reading for a four-year-old, inn't?"

Elissa laughed despite her churning emotions and shielded her eyes against the sun's glare to look up at him. "We're just practicing with the letters."

"I see," he said with that grin that once had the ability to turn her into a simpering idiot. "I suppose the idea of using a child's ledger for such a thing would seem too tame for someone who wrestled with dragons not so long ago."

This was another tactic of his, to bring up the past in hopes of lowering her defenses, and for a brief moment she indulged him, laughing quietly. "You say that as if I were the one taunting the thing."

Daniel looked up at the man through squinted eyes. "You killed a dragon?"

"More distracted then killed. Let it knock me about while your mother and Zevran killed it, actually. Very heroic. Minimal screaming. I'll tell you about it sometime."

"To answer your question," she said, aware she was still smiling, "this is the only book I had on hand. I haven't exactly been doing my shopping in Ferelden lately."

"So you haven't." His eyes followed Daniel as the boy grew bored without the promise of tales of dragons and clambered to the other side of the cart to watch the riders go by. "I missed you, you know." His voice was quiet and serious, and Elissa was caught off guard. She felt her heart speed up.

"You didn't even know I was gone," she pointed out.

He smiled at her again, and something soft and disarming in that smile warmed some part of her she hadn't realized still lived in the cold.

Maybe humoring him had been a terrible idea, after all.

"I wasn't only talking about this year," he said gently.

How did he still have this ability to send her thoughts scattering in a hundred different directions? It hardly seemed fair. Daniel rescued her from having to formulate a proper and polite way to tell him to knock it off.

"Mama, can I ride with Aeryc for a while?"

Elissa was startled to find her second on the other side of the cart, watching her with a raised eyebrow and a barely suppressed smile. She realized with no small amount of horror that sometime during her conversation, she had leaned forward against the edge of the cart, her arms crossed and resting on the side and her chin pillowed on them, looking for all the world like a woman intent on flirting.

Funny how the ground never opened up and swallowed you whole when you wanted it to.

"Go ahead," she answered her son, with a glare at Aeryc that dared him to say anything. He only laughed at her.

"C'mon, turnip," he said with his quiet smile, easily lifting the boy out of the cart and settling him in the saddle. Elissa shook her head, refusing to look at Alistair as she reached up and tugged on the driver's sleeve. "Stop for a second?"

He did as she asked, but as she jumped over the side she distinctly heard Alistair murmur, "You aren't running away already, are you?"

He knew how flustered he had made her.

Damn it all.

… … …

The afternoon grew hot and muggy along the shores of Lake Calenhad, and when they finally stopped some five miles outside of Redcliffe, Elissa's orders that the men make themselves presentable for their arrival was met with far less complaining than she had been anticipating.

"Why do I have to take a bath?" Daniel asked while she clambered up on the wagon to search through their trunk for something Daniel could wear that wasn't covered in grass stains. The shaded copse was quieter than she was used to, most of the crowd having gone down to the lake to bathe. Out of the corner of her eye, Elissa saw a couple of pages hauling up buckets of water for Wynne to sponge herself off in, and wondered if the mage would be willing to set aside some for Daniel.

"We're part of the king's entourage," she said patiently. "That comes with certain expectations." The king was currently returning from the lake. She could feel him, but didn't bother to look up, sure he would pop up behind her sooner rather than later. At last she found a tunic that Daniel had barely worn that was still clean.

"Do they think just because he's the king he doesn't get dirty?"

"Nope, and neither does anyone around me." She felt the shake of the cart as Alistair leapt up behind her to go through his own belongings. "I'm also not to get bored, sleepy, or, to judge by the look of horror given to me by my kitchen staff, overly hungry."

Elissa turned to find him quite close, hunkered down as he dug through a sack for—she devoutly hoped—a shirt. His wet hair, a bit longer than she remembered, was pushed back from his face and his skin was still damp, glistening in the sun. She quickly averted her gaze.

"If I recall, your appetite is more than enough to terrify even the most level-headed of servants," she said and jumped to the ground to put some distance between them. "And do you think you could refrain from making the practices of the court sound ridiculous? I have to teach Daniel how to survive them."

"They are ridiculous. Be proud your boy can spot that. Men who are busy getting offended because I use the wrong fork during the main course waste the time and energy of everyone around them."

That may have been true, but she wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of admitting as much. "All the same, he's a Cousland, and I expect him to carry on the reputation that comes with that name."

Something flicked behind Alistair's eyes. "Yes, I heard," he said in a professional, emotionless tone she would never have heard from him before taking the crown. "Your brother came to me some time ago with the petition to name Daniel as his heir." He pulled a clean shirt over his head, much to her relief. "I take it he's given up any thought of remarrying?"

Elissa was aware of the friendship between Fergus and Alistair, and so could not begrudge him for a wondering likely driven by honest concern. "I don't know," she answered. "He gets in a temper if I so much as mention it. I heard you put the petition on hold. Are you hoping that he may change his mind?"

"I'd like to give him the chance to. While Daniel would certainly be the best choice to inherit the teyrnir if Fergus doesn't provide an heir, things could get tangled if he does after the fact. Particularly if Daniel is old enough to be familiar with the holding and to the vassals of Highever. They could very well see a son of Fergus' as a usurper. Far poorer holdings have been torn apart for having too many heirs and ambitious men willing to take sides."

"That's very far-sighted of you," she said, more in surprise than real compliment.

"Yes, well, someone told me once that I could handle this job," he said with a grin. "Looking ahead is a lesson quickly learned in my position."

"Well, I agree with you. I was holding out full sanction myself in case he should change his mind." She raised an eyebrow at him. "I'm a little surprised you haven't pressed him to marry someone of your choosing. There's a powerful alliance waiting to happen there." He winced, looking so abruptly guilty that she laughed. "What is it?"

"I, ah, may have tried to convince him to take Anora off my hands. It … didn't go over well."

She laughed again. "Oh, Alistair..."

He shrugged one shoulder, and for a brief second he looked like the awkward almost-templar that she remembered. "I'll have you know that it was a brilliant, kingly idea. I just failed to take into consideration the fact that he hates her."

"He doesn't, actually," she said, still chuckling. "But he knows she hates me. He's not going to let himself be tied to a woman who we all know is politically savvy enough to spend fifty years plotting my demise, nor does he want to have to pat her down for hidden daggers every time I visit." She sighed, and her smile faltered. "Though, I'm beginning to think he'll find fault with anyone you recommended. He knows you won't order him outright, and he was madly in love with Oriana."

"Give him time," Alistair said, abruptly looking away. His voice was quiet when he spoke again. "Five years isn't such a very long time to get over the person you were supposed to be with."

She was fairly sure they weren't talking about Fergus anymore. She hurriedly scooped up Daniel, who had been busying himself by tickling Aiden's nose with a blade of grass while he slept. "Come on, my sweet. Let's see if Wynne will heat some water for you."

"Why can't I go to the lake?" he whined.

"Because I can't take you down there while they're bathing and I don't trust any of those morons to make sure you stay in the shallows."

"I'll watch him."

The offer was unexpected enough that it took a moment for Elissa to answer. She had been trying to keep any doorways to her personal life shut tight and locked against Alistair, but he seemed equally determined to kick them down. He did appear to be genuinely fond of Daniel.

She wasn't sure how she felt about that.

But Daniel was looking at her with pleading eyes, and to deny him would be nothing short of churlish. "All right, then." She sighed, setting him down. He nearly tripped himself in his haste to get away.

"Maker's breath, lad, pick up your feet." Alistair laughed before easily hefting the boy and tossing him onto one shoulder like a sack of flour. Daniel happily waved goodbye to his mother as they started for the lake. "Come on then—let's go get you looking like a Cousland, I suppose."

… … …

News had already reached Redcliffe that the king's party was approaching the city. As they filed into the neatly cobbled courtyard of Redcliffe Castle, Teagan and Leliana were waiting at the top of the stairs to properly greet them. Leliana managed to hold herself with all the poise and elegance of someone in her soon-to-be position—until she caught sight of Elissa and Zevran. With a very un-arlessa like squeal, she gathered her skirts and raced down the steps, leaving the Grey Wardens in her path scrambling to get out of the way or get knocked over. With a happy cry she threw her arms around Elissa's neck. "Oh, it's so wonderful to see you here!"

She still smelled of flowery Orlesian perfume, and Elissa had to blink back tears as she was overwhelmed by just how much she had missed being around friends who knew her before she was the Commander of the Grey. "I'm sorry I wasn't able to send you warning that we were coming. I only just found out."

"The important thing is that you are here. It would not have been the same without you, Elissa."

"You wound me, bella," Zevran said with a smirk, and gave a throaty chuckle when she greeted him just as enthusiastically. "But I am certain to get over it, no?"

Leliana disentangled herself and smoothed her dresses, her wide blue eyes sparkling. "I think we will have to mind our proprieties now, yes?" she whispered loudly. Elissa felt abruptly uncomfortable when she realized they had just created a huge breech in etiquette. But Alistair was laughing quietly to himself, and his guards were struggling to mask their looks of strong disapproval in the wake of the king's reaction. Still, the smile Leliana slid him when she reached the top the stairs was decidedly mischievous. "Allow us to extend to you the comforts of our hall, Your Majesty," she said, dropping a perfect curtsey.

"I would be honored, Your Grace," Alistair replied, then shocked his guards into silence when he dragged her forward and soundly kissed her cheek, Leliana's bubbling giggles filling the courtyard.

… … …

For Leliana, getting ready for dinner could be a momentous event all on its own. Now that half of Ferelden's nobility were arriving for the wedding to be held in four days, she was in her element. There were small events planned throughout the week to keep her guests entertained during their stay, appropriate sized feasts planned for every night leading up to the actual day of the celebration. Later that evening, Elissa found herself in the bard's personal chamber as she sorted through a mountain of clothes, trying to decide what was best to wear to dinner.

"It's not every day we get visited by royalty," she said with a wink as she shifted through the contents of her wardrobe.

"It's only Alistair." Elissa was aware that she sounded like a petulant child and tried to decide if she cared or not. It wasn't as if Leliana didn't know the entire sordid history there.

"Yes, but he is a king now, and we should strive to behave accordingly. It is an insult to him otherwise." Her delicate hands flitted across several different articles before she drew out a gown of pale blue silk. "I was very interested to see that you arrived with Alistair." There was a gleam in Leliana's eye that made Elissa squirm uncomfortably in the plush chair. "It's so pleasant to see you in each other's company again."

"I save him from being crushed by an ogre," Elissa said, hollow at the thought that people were noting they had arrived together. She wondered how long it would take before the rumors started flying.

"Perhaps, but still, it's a relief to some of us to see you speaking again." She was quiet for a moment as she considered a heavily laced dress before shaking her head and tossing it onto the bed. "He's missed you—you must know this."

"Really? Because he's known where to find me." The bitterness in her voice surprised her.

Leliana didn't as much as blink, just held up a simple gown of deep blue for inspection. "Oh, Elissa. When have you ever known Alistair to take the first step towards anything? If you will be reconciled with him, it will be up to you." The gown seemed to meet her approval, because she nodded thoughtfully and tossed it to Elissa. "It will bring out the color of your eyes."

Elissa let out a shaky laugh. "I should have known you would take the very first opportunity to dress me up."

"Of course." She was given a quick smile. "Because for my wedding, you will be beautiful. You will laugh and dance and drink too much wine, because I know that you have not allowed yourself anything of the sort in Amaranthine. You need me, my Elissa. What would you become without me?"

"Sane?"

Leliana laughed her musical laugh. "Perhaps. But you would be most unhappy that way, I think."