Author's Note: Apologies for the short hiatus in between chapters. Real life has kept both Wanheda and I utterly swamped with work, so we have not had the time we usually reserve for writing this story. Fear not, we have a lot more in the works. So far chapter 7 is coming along as well. Please enjoy this chapter in the meantime, Clexakru! Much love from your writers!
Chapter 6 - "Confessions Based on Trust"
Clarke wasn't sure if Lexa would have time to come or not. Her mother hadn't provided her with any information about the situation outside that very tent. But on the other hand, Clarke had not been a good partner for a conversation either. Instead of answering questions, she only said Lexa's name. What if Lexa didn't want to see her? Perhaps she was still mad that Clarke never showed up a couple of days ago? Clarke just had to know, more than everything else. Her eyelids felt heavy, her eyes trying to focus on the fire while she waited, but it was quite difficult. It had all be the result of dehydration, the blonde thought to herself. It might also explain the headache. The pain she felt in her toes and fingers suggested that they had been frozen and now finally began to warm up. She really felt terrible, but it was nothing the proud Clarke Griffin would admit. They had almost done it. They almost killed her. These thoughts made her heart beat a little faster, but then she calmed down almost immediately.
When she recognized Lexa's face, Clarke's eyes opened up a bit more. She even cracked a smile and started to feel better when Lexa moved close and spoke to her. Though before she could say anything herself, Clarke needed a few moments as she felt those emotions coming up inside her. She literally tried to swallow them down before she parted her dry, blue and chapped lips. "I didn't.. think.. I would see you.. again. You.. you look.. nice.. without the make-up." It was difficult for her to speak, but Clarke didn't care. "Can you stay for a few minutes? P-Please? I need- need to know. What about the treaty? Have- have you talked to Kane? Are we still on the the same page?" After all she had been through, Clarke still worried about the coalition. She needed to know that they were still allies and that nothing had changed over the past couple of days. Clarke didn't mention how bad she felt and that she was scared to be alone. She could remember the words that Lexa said to her the other night. She needed to be strong and that's what she tried to show the Heda, but Clarke didn't notice that Lexa was doing the exact same thing. No, Clarke knew she had to look strong despite her condition and being scared was definitely a weakness. But there was still that issue about her emotions, which made it quite difficult for Clarke to stay strong.
Lexa was taken aback by the compliment nearly as much as she felt a lingering pride at the blonde's battle to speak even in her weakened condition. It spoke of strength, true strength. And while the compliment to her appearance made the Heda's lips curl in a true smile, she felt a faint flutter in the depths of her chest which she had once thought to be cold and stone. Those pleading, deep orbs of azure held her own forest green gaze, betraying the underlying emotion and Lexa could not look away and was instead lost in their depths for a single moment in time. It was as if all else fell away but the sea calming in those stormy azure depths. She could only nod in confirmation, she would stay with the blonde for the time being.
The Heda swelled with pride when Clarke mentioned the treaty, inquiring pleadingly about the state of the matter. She was a true leader, even if she herself and her own people did not see it as such. Kane was committed, but could not rival the blonde in the depths to which she felt a responsibility to the Sky people. Lexa reached out a slender hand to raise the thick fur pelt higher beneath Clarke's chin, keeping her body heat trapped underneath. "Sha, Clarke. The treaty is safe. Kane is investigating the events that have transpired these last few days. You mustn't worry yourself about anything other than finding health again. Abby and Kane will lead your people responsibly. All is well, there has been no fighting." Lexa attempted to reassure the young woman shivering before her, momentarily reaching back to poke the small fire until it burned brighter before adding more wood to it. "Sssh", the brunette began, her facial expression had lost its solemn passiveness and was now more open, displaying hints of the young woman beneath the Heda. The woman that enjoyed teaching her successors, that wanted her people to have a chance at a better life. The woman that dared to hope for such a life for herself as well. "I am here with you. You are safe. Now, try to sleep. I will be here when you wake."
Clarke didn't want Lexa to see her like this. The blonde felt like a broken woman, like someone who was just lucky to be alive. It didn't have anything to do with strength and willpower, just luck. But Clarke's other part didn't want Lexa to leave. It needed the company of the Heda, especially now. "G-good." Clarke said with a weak smile after she had been told that the treaty was still safe and that there had not been any fighting. Of course, she didn't worry about her mother and Kane. She knew they could handle the Sky People well enough. She trusted them, as much as she started to trust Lexa. So it certainly helped to know that everything was still alright, except for the fact that Kane was trying to find out who did this to Clarke. It was a potential trouble spot for them and Clarke didn't want to be the reason for it. "We- we have to make sure they are not going to fight because- because of me. We need to stand together." The blonde herself could tell that the subject was upsetting her. Her breathing was flat and quick, which certainly didn't help her to feel better. So Clarke tried to calm down, but again she had to battle with her emotions.
When Lexa told her to get some sleep, those emotions began to boil over. Clarke reached out to place her still cold hand on top of Lexa's. "Lexa" Her voice sounded more like a whisper in between her gasps. "I'm s-scared." Clarke finally admitted despite the fact that she was showing some weakness, which she tried so hard to hide. "I thought I was strong, but I couldn't defend myself. L-look at me. I can barely barely move and.." Clarke swallowed hard and slowly withdrew her hand as she realized what she just did. She could feel that a tear was building up in the corner of her eye. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.. You're right. I should sleep." The blonde looked away, knowing that Lexa was about to leave. "I know you need to take care of your people. Just- come back soon, okay?" Clarke really felt much safer when Lexa was around. She knew that the Heda was strong enough to protect her and to keep an eye on her until Clarke would be able to stand on her own two feet again.
Lexa simply nodded, not trusting her own voice to be its usual steady calm as she carefully intertwined her fingers with Clarke's and gave the younger woman a reassuring squeeze. Memories had come back to haunt her, of her ascension, the night of the conclave when even she had felt weak, fear, regret and shame. She had been scared, not of the fighting, not of winning, but of what would lay ahead. The shame of having killed her fellow Night bloods had weighed heavily upon her shoulders, even though it was expected in the conclave. During that time she had no one to comfort her, guide her through it in a way that left room for emotion. She would not deny the blonde this, she would guide her as best she could. Not only for herself, but her people as well. They would benefit from a healthy Clarke, a leader for the Sky people that thought of the grander scheme of things, instead of a short-term agenda. No, Lexa would not leave her.
"Hush, Klarke", the Heda whispered, the Trigadeslang accent of her people's language heavy in her words, adding a hint of the exotic to the blonde's name. "I am here beside you. You needn't be frightened. I vow to let no harm come to you, Klarke kom Skaikru. Do you trust your Heda's words?" Lexa's voice was laced with a hint of her own emotion yet trying to convey strength to the young woman. It was a battle she had hoped to win, to convey some of her strength to Clarke. "I will make sure there is no fighting. In turn, I want you to rest. I will be here while you sleep."
Lexa's voice was incredibly comforting and while she listened to her, Clarke's breathing slowed down and became steady soon enough. She could feel her heart slowing down as well, which made it easier for her body to relax. Moments later, her eyelids became heavier and heavier, making it more and more difficult for Clarke to keep them up. Eventually, she closed her eyes, about to fall asleep. "I trust my Heda. I trust you, Lexa. I... I can't do this.. without you." Clarke felt more and more attracted to the young woman next to her. The blonde still thought she had everything under control though, especially her feelings. But reality was different. Her feelings kept growing stronger and stronger, which Clarke didn't seem to realize. "Thank you... Heda..." Those three words were Clarke's last before she finally fell asleep. It wasn't going to be a peaceful sleep however, as the events of the last couple of days went through her mind to haunt her in her dreams. Clarke wouldn't say a word, but her body would be squirming, while the young blonde let out some gasps and moans.
While the blonde beside her thrashed and squirmed beneath the furs, the brunette had busied herself with lighting three sticks of incense to stave off any demons that might haunt the younger woman in her sleep. It was a custom amongst the Woods Clan that lavender incense would ward off evil spirits and while none burned the sticks for Lexa, she wished to burn them for Clarke instead. Soon the tent was filled with the floral fragrance and the warmth of the fire, lulling even the Heda into a calmer state than she had been in mere hours ago. The Sky prissa's words had shaken her convictions to the very marrow in her bones. Emotion mixed with reason, logic mixed with decisions that not only served the greater good, but the individual as well. Clarke truly was an exceptional leader and a good person at heart. While she might have once hated Lexa with a passion, those feelings now seemed to disappear in smoke. They might return when the blonde was healed however, and thus Lexa could not allow herself to bring down the mental walls she had built around herself to lower entirely.
There, sitting beside the thick bundle of furs that held the shivering Clarke, Lexa whispered little promises of safety, coaxing the girl through the dreams until she eventually seemed to settle in a deep, still slumber. The Heda herself could barely keep her forest-green gaze open and eventually leaned back against a wooden beam supporting the tent. Her arms felt heavy, her gaze began to glaze with the precipice of sleep. She had vowed to protect and defend Clarke when needed and she knew she could bring her body into an adrenaline-fueled, energized state when needed. Countless campaigns had given her this warriors ability, difficult to master but most rewarding. The Heda carefully unsheathed the dagger from her hip and placed it beside her on the furs, at the opposite side of the one facing Clarke. While she did have a measure of trust for the Sky girl, Lexa had not lived this long by throwing care to the wind. With her measures taken, the brunette soon allowed her breathing to slow and sleep to claim her. For the first time in months did she stir and thrash less than usual, for the smoke of the incense and the strangely soothing sound of the blonde's deep breathing beside her lulled her into a calm sleep and dreams of peace, a smile gracing her full lips as the orbs of forest green finally fell closed.
The squirming, moaning and gasping soon came to an end, thanks to Lexa's help. Of course, it would be nothing Clarke was going to remember, but perhaps a part of her felt that the Heda kept her promise not to leave the blonde's side while she was sleeping. The past couple of days had been horrifying for Clarke who was lucky to be still alive. There was no doubt it was thanks to Lexa, a fact that both Kane and her mother Abby made sure to share with the other Sky People. Of course, finding whoever was responsible was extremely difficult, because nobody took the blame for what had happened to the young Griffin. So only Clarke knew, but would she ever tell anyone? It was a question that she would have to ask herself over and over again in the near future. What would happen if she revealed who was responsible? What would happen if she kept it a secret? Well for now, none of those questions really seemed to matter. Clarke was safe and she was not surrounded by her mother or any of her Skaikru friends. She hadn't felt that safe and sound for a long, long time. It was all thanks to one single person.
Clarke woke up at some point, without knowing what time it was. But time didn't matter. Nothing seemed to matter except for the fact that her Heda was still there. It made her smile to see Lexa sitting there in rather uncomfortable position, but yet able to find sleep. She had been there all the time during her sleep, Clarke had no doubt. It impressed the young blonde. It was not just that Lexa had kept her word, but the fact that she spent so much time in that tent, doing nothing but to keep an eye on Clarke.. just like she had promised. Clarke already began to wonder how she could ever make it up to Lexa. She was going to find a way, but first, she had to get up again. It was time to show strength again and perhaps to surprise her Heda by standing right before her when she'd wake up. So Clarke tried to sit up, but only to drop right back down. Her head was spinning and the unexpected pain in her abdomen didn't allow her to move any further. "Fuck.." She whispered and sighed. It was so kind of Lexa to take such good care of Clarke, but the blonde didn't want to become a burden. Or even worse, a weakness of the strong and proud Grounder queen.
Lexa had slept more soundly than she had the past years, her dreams less haunted by the clutches of the deaths at her hand or command, which had instead been replaced by memories of Costia. Of raven locks framing the sweetest pale face, eyes that were deep pools of grey as they twinkled with mischief, full lips curving into the most charming smile that had ever graced the Heda's vision. Lexa had known she was dreaming then. The realisation shifting the course of her sleep to the point where Costia's image slowly started to blur, only to come into focus as the image of unruly blonde locks and eyes the colour of the sea staring back at her. It was startling to know that the blonde Skaikru girl did not only haunt her thoughts in the waking world, but also followed her down into the realm of dreams. Not unsettling, but merely curious. Had Lexa been neglecting of Costia's memory? She did not know. Costia would have shushed her worries, told her that life was about more than survival, that it needed to be lived. The dead would still be the dead come morning, and the living were there to greet their Heda. The brunette had come to terms with her own mind at that moment. That she had to move forward in her life, the past was nothing she could change. Only the future.
The sound made by Clarke had the Heda's eyes flare open in their forest-green gaze while a sharp intake of breath sucked oxygen into her lungs, posture shifting and the dagger already raised to ward off an impending attack. Lexa had been all too used to a warrior's sleep, her eyes focussing on the blonde girl as she sighed beside her. "Clarke. You are awake. Do not move, your body needs rest still." She immediately sheathed the dagger with an apologetic expression adorning her otherwise still sleep-laced face. The Heda stretched her muscles, reaching for the flask of water she had Nyko leave beside the furs and uncorked its opening. "Come, you must drink. Abby said you must drink often to 'rehydrate'. ", she muttered while carefully guiding the other woman up into a sitting position, her slender fingers supporting the blonde's back. Lexa could feel the warmth of her skin radiate through the shirt that she wore. She was still held captive by the sweating disease, as her people called it. She would call for Nyko to examine the blonde soon, but first Clarke needed time to wake herself properly.
It was quite frustrating that her body kept disobeying Clarke. She wanted to get up, to stand and walk around as usual. Of course, she was aware that after what she had been through, her body needed the time out. This wasn't about her though, it was about her Heda spending too much time with taking care of only one person. Lexa had an entire clan to lead and protect, not just Clarke. But of course, Clarke appreciated it a lot. She could feel the compassion and the sympathy, what really warmed up her heart.
When she watched Lexa waking up from her sleep, Clarke felt a lot of compassion for the Heda herself. It had to be gruesome to wake up like that, always having to be prepared for someone trying to kill her. Perhaps Clarke could do something to help? Maybe showing Lexa that there was more about life than just survive every single day. That it had more to offer than war and suffering. Now that the war between the Sky People and the Grounders was over, there could be some time for the nicer things in life. But first, Clarke had to fully recover.
Clarke gladly accepted the Heda's help to sit up and drink some. It helped to moisten her lips and wash away the dryness from her mouth. It felt good. Not only to finally get some water to drink again, but especially the way Lexa helped her with it. The Heda would feel the weight of Clarke's body, as the blonde was obviously still unable to sit by herself. "T-thank you, Lexa. I wil have to find a way to repay you for helping me like that. I really don't need to be a burden. I will get up as soon as I can and go." Suddenly, Clarke stopped herself in the middle of the sentence. Where did she want to go? Back to 'her' camp? Would they dare another attempt to get rid of her? "Well, I will figure out where I can go then. I can't really call that camp my home." She sighed and shook her head, trying to smile at Lexa. She reached out, placing her hand on top of Lexa's. It felt much warmer than the day before, but her attempt to squeeze Heda's hand was still pretty weak. "I would be dead without you. I'm so- in your debt, Lexa. Not only for saving my life, but especially for making this peace possible. I know it wasn't what your people wanted. Without you, nothing of this would ever be possible."
The blonde's struggle to force her body to move and behave like it would regularly softened Lexa's gaze, somehow finding a hint of endearment in watching the younger woman sip the water and moisten her parched throat. She would have to leave the tent soon, the Heda could not be accused of favouritism among clan representatives, especially in these strenuous times with a fragile peace barely secured. "Do not worry about such things, Klarke. For now, you must focus your energy on recovering. Wars are not won in the span of a day, so take these moments when you can."
Lexa helped the Skaikru girl lay back upon the plush furs, pulling them up to below her chin to ward off the cold. The sweating disease was dangerously underestimated by most, as the Heda herself had experienced not five years prior. No, she would make certain of it that the blonde would recuperate properly. After all, it would not do to lose an ambassador so vital to this treaty, would it? Or was there more to this than acting in the best interest of her people, but also because Lexa herself had wanted this? She had never spent this much time and attention at the wellbeing of a single person. Her duty as Heda was always to the needs of the many, not of the few. Herself included in the latter. And yet it pleased her to spend time with Clarke, made the days seem a bit brighter. She could not deny that a single gaze of those large azure eyes made her heart flutter and thump in a rhythmic staccato. Yes, this was for Lexa as well.
"I must take my leave for now, Klarke. Abby and Nyko will be here come noon. In the meantime, I will see to it that you are attended by a handmaid at all times." With a final squeeze of her fingers, Lexa carefully stood and readjusted the thick woollen coat and leather armour atop to the perfect example of the Heda she had to be seen as. "Do not worry, the guards outside will let none pass save for those you give express permission for."
Could it be? Clarke asked herself as she thought to be seeing something within Lexa's eyes. The Heda really seemed to care much more about Clarke than she could afford to admit. But perhaps it was just Clarke's mind making it up. The blonde girl herself would never admit how much she missed someone taking care of her like that. Someone other than her mother, of course. Clarke had gotten used to being the strong leader, who always looked out for others. But now she was unable to do that, as she needed the help of others to get back on her feet. Clarke herself seemed rather unaware of the fever and the sweat that covered her entire body. Sure, her body was heating up again, but it seemed a bit too much. It was still struggling to survive, even though Clarke was already feeling better than the day before.
"A handmaid? That could be a bit too much. I'm no queen or princess, Heda." She said with a soft smile. "Just.. make sure to come back as soon as possible. I.. feel much safer when you're around." Clarke admitted. There was no harm in being honest with Lexa. The blonde girl just figured that Lexa should know this. But only moments after she said that, Clarke could no longer keep her eyes open. Her body demanded some more sleep.
Lexa could only give a small nod at the blonde's words, words failing her as Clarke's still hoarse voice revealed the potentially dangerous emotions beneath. She knew that she could not allow the Skaikru prissa to command her like that, should not. And yet, Lexa allowed her this moment. She knew all too well how crushingly lonely it was for a leader to always take care of her people, but them failing to take notice of her needs in return. A Heda was strong, allowed no insolence, always did what was best for her people above all else. Clarke possessed these qualities, yes, but she also found it not beneath her to ask for help when needed. It was a strange concept, a leader willing to show weakness. Had Lexa shown such weakness herself, she would have died many years ago. What a strange people the Skaikru were, to push to blonde girl into a position where she would feel safer with the army that was ready to annihilate them not ten days prior. Felt safer around the Heda that had ordered the death of the blonde's lover and subsequently made her do the killing.
These thoughts occupied Lexa's mind as she instructed one of her handmaids to attend to the needs of the Skaikru prissa.