hello,hello Chicas, and Chicos

I had no idea you where missing this so much :)

cant have that, can I?

off we go, watching little saint Emily's huge make-over.

Ps: don't worry, Naomi's relationship with Effy wont hold forever but beware, until Emily and Naomi finally find their way together will take a bit of time. :)

have fun and tell me what sucked ;)

There is no question if we've managed to pull ourselves together long enough for our parent's visit.

We haven't.

I'm currently standing by the tiny kitchen counter, my eyes are closed, and I'm trying not to fall asleep. It'd be nice if the little fucker with the hammer would stop banging around in my brain, they always have loads to do when you're hungover, yeah? "Serviettes, need serviettes because your father, obviously, cant use napkins like every other person. No, he needs fucking serviettes."

Turning my head to the side from where I hear the banging of drawers, impressed by the wonder that she can function, at all. "We don't have serviettes, Eff. " If looks could kill, well, I'd be a pile of ashes. "Sorry, we don't."

"Great, fucking great Emily. I've had to endure a ten minutes preach about fucking serviettes and what the difference to napkins is, only got out of it saying I'm gonna get some. He'll crucify me if I get back without them. Probably playing with his holy water bottle in his trousers all the time, I certainly hope so otherwise he's a fucking perv."

Nodding I close my eyes again, ignoring her ranting and sighing, the best I can.

"If he tells me one more time that I'm not good enough for you, I'm kicking him out." My eyes fly open again and lock on furious blue ones, god she's pissed off. "Seriously Em, one more time and he'll feel what it's like to be treated poorly. Old fucking bastard." She's lighting a fag, pinching out the smoke with painful long draws that make her cough.

Nodding I close my eyes again, ignoring her ranting and growling, the best I can.

I hear her before she actually reaches the kitchen, her groans and snapping is making the ground vibrate. Feels like it at least. "Fucking pathetic pack of holy hypocrites! You lot know what they just said to me? Unbelievable! Fucking unbelievable! I'm an adult, yeah? Can do what the fuck I want and don't need mummy and holy daddy's permission for shit!"

Opening my eyes I see her fuming, brown eyes glaring like a mean scolded child. I'm about to nod when she's shrieking. "Did you even fucking listen to me? I haven't told you what they said you bitch!"

Three angry girls, all pissed off at someone else, are staring me down. "Great Em, real supporter you are." My beautifully angry girlfriend snaps between two short puff of her cancer stick. "Perhaps I should just fucking leave! Obviously, you don't care if I'm here fighting off your dad like a fucking professional dragon slayer! He doesn't want me anywhere near you!"

"You know that's not true." Is my weak response, it makes them laugh. "All right, he does but he means YOU, not women generally. That's something, isn't it?" The moment her eyes narrow I know that it was the wrong thing to say, perhaps I've made it much worse now.

Dog house, here I come.

"Charming, fucking classy Em! You know how to talk to girls, don't you? Well, I guess you're right. As long as he's not disowning you for being a fucking dyke all is good, yeah? No problem that he's making my life hell whenever he sees me."

I close my eyes again and wave her away, knowing that if I'd get into that now, we'll have a huge fight and I'm just not up for it. Not at fucking all. "Yeah, stop being such an egoistic bitch Emily, she's your girlfriend and you should fucking stick up to him for her."

Opening my eyes again I glare at my sister, hating her input. "Stay the fuck out of it."

"Hm." She huffs, but then her posture changes and she straightens her back, holding her head high. "And if I don't? She's my fucking mate Emily, and you are acting like you couldn't care less about how he treats her. That's so shitty, just look at her! She adores you and fucking kisses the ground you walk on. How can you be that heartless?"

We all turn to look at her, wondering if she realised that she pretty much explained her own behaviour towards Effy. She has, with a glare and crossed arms, she rolls her eyes. "I meant you and Naomi, obviously, so don't read shit into it you fucking cows."

"What's your father said then?" Effy asks, slowly inching her way closer to Katie until she's next to her. My sister meets her eyes for one moment and it happens again, the transformation only Effy can achieve. The boiling, almost exploding annoyance and anger are suddenly gone and Katie lets out a huge sigh, almost as if she capitulated. The brunette nudges her with her shoulder, resting one arm firmly and confidently around her waist. Katie leans into her, watching the floor in sadness or something similar while she plays with Effy's rings. "Wasn't him only. My mum started going on and on about how awful you are, disrespecting him like that again. She meant the way you ran away to get serviettes. Then they ranted, how bad you were for me, how happy they are that you are gone and out of the picture as well as my life. They said they love me, support me, and how they cant wait for the wedding. Well, my mum said that, obviously Rob wouldn't live through saying such a thing."

The atmosphere changes rapidly and I search for Naomi's eyes, which keep looking at me hatred filled until she sighs and comes to stand close to me. I lean up and kiss her temple softly, so fucking glad that she stayed with me through all that my father has been throwing at her. Since we first met. So thankful that I found someone as amazing and talented, passionate and optimistic as her. That's what I am thanking god for, for bringing me this angel to show me the way to live my life to its fullest.

"When is Kyla coming?" Naomi asks with a sigh, looking at the miserable couple in front of us. Effy's eyes narrow and Katie frowns, not happy with the prospect of her fiancé joining this lovely dinner. "In about an hour, she's still at her meeting."

We close our eyes when my father yells for us.

Coming home from school has never felt so depressive like for the past week. Naomi isn't back from London yet and it's her absence that shows me how much I got used to have her around. She is the one planning our days, arranging trips to the town, lies for my dad to swallow and things to explore for me. But with her gone I am back to doing the housework, homework and pray, all day long.

She has left five days ago, and I haven't gotten a call from her yet.

No message whatsoever. It's like I never existed in her life and I know that it's wrong thinking that way, she obviously has other problems to worry about right now, but I cant help feeling left out.

I'd be happy to help her through that horrible time, to try and do whatever needs to be done so she can focus on her father alone, to be with her and there for her, but she didn't want me to.

She's chosen Effy.

I wonder if it were even a decision to make in the first place, or, if she didn't stop to think about it at al.

Things will change, and I know that if I don't start living, she'll run away.

You see, there is this road we're on. We were walking side by side for a couple months now, content and happy, but then, then there was a crossroad which opened up new paths to walk on. I tried to follow her, but when Effy arrived in her life, it was hard to keep up and I can hardly see her now, that's how far away she already seems to be. Effy's pulling her along, she's dragging Eff with her, or perhaps they are simply running side by side?

Thinks need to change, Naomi needs to be forced opening her eyes and see me.

Really see me, who I am, hidden under all these layers and hair on my skin's every possible part. I can be modern, I can stop hiding, I most certainly can shave my legs, armpits and vagina, cant I? Why not? It's not like I'll miss all the gross, itchy hairs that annoy me. I could have my eyebrows done, perhaps I'd stop walking around like an 'M' (One of Effy's lovely nicknames for me, it took Naomi laughing at a bloke with together-grown eyebrows for me to realise what it meant).

Perhaps I could buy a pair of jeans and a shirt with a band logo on the front? Now I'm just dreaming, it's useless. My father would personally rip the clothes off of me and burn them in front of my very eyes.

It's my birthday in four days.

I have never wished for anything, maybe it's time for me to do so.

"Look at this love, isn't it just lovely?" Mrs. Campbell, or Gina how she makes me call her (I wont), is holding up another woolly piece of crap. Her smile, so sincere and lovely, falls when she sees my expression. "Emily darling, that's the seventh dress I'm showing you and you still haven't seen one you like? Why don't you wander off and look for yourself, obviously I am not much of a help." Her deep blue eyes are shining while they bore into mine, silently giving me the choice to go and find something modern, which she cant do because she has promised my father she wouldn't encourage any sinful clothing.

But if I went...

"What do you say? Is it too much?" I'm fidgeting, looking to the floor as I shuffle around, awkwardly.

She's watching me with wide eyes and a slacked jaw, not the reaction I was hoping for. Perhaps I look a joke? I knew this was not a good idea, I should have just "It's perfect! But we've got another stop we need to go to, come on love, lets move." I never knew that you could buy clothes while you are wearing them, but Gina simply dragged me to the counter and made the young girl scan the tags off the clothes while I still wore them. Funny that.

Shortly after we are walking up the High Street and come to an halt in front of a beauty salon. My eyes lock on Gina's, and I am hesitant to ask what we're supposed to be doing here. She beats me to it, sensing my discomfort, she pats my shoulder. "The problem is, Emily, that you cant wear those kind of jeans if you haven't shaved your legs. Shaving will only make them grow thicker, so you're getting waxed love. Your first waxing, it's really a very important part in becoming a woman." She's close to tears and my face shows the excitement I am feeling, it's bigger than the worry of pain. A laugh escaped her, when I grinned, ready to be waxed left and right. "Can I also have my brows done, please?"

An almost proud expression, the one I always see on Naomi's face when I do something she wouldn't expect me to, appears and she smiles. "We fucking well will. Come on, be prepared to get pampered."

Pampered isn't the word I'd describe what is happening to me right now with.

Pain.

I'm having tears in my eyes and there is blood in my mouth, from all the lip-biting. Silently I pray for it to be over soon, but god is angry at me for disobeying my father and he doesn't give a crap about my situation.

My legs were fine, it only hurt at the beginning, my armpits were very fast hairless but my eyebrows? That makes me cry and it feels like someone is ripping hair off of my body, one by one.

That's because she is, that...that blonde bimbo! She doesn't care that I am in pain, her annoyed groans and sighs show me that she'd rather be somewhere else, anywhere else than doing my brows. I don't find it very customer friendly to chew gum, open mouthed, in front of my face either.

"Almost done sweety, just stop moving."

When I have decided to get my brows done, I didn't mean to look like a pink zit.

My eyelids are swollen, they hurt, and they are also very pink. Not at all attractive I guess. Legs are itching, cant really move my arms, how is Naomi doing all that on a regular basis? Moisturise, the girl had ordered me, and I have but it wont stop being itching and annoying.

Mrs. Campbell has called my father and asked if I could stay over, we thought it wouldn't be such a good idea if I went home looking like that. He was hesitant at first, but reminded that Naomi was still away, he agreed without much of an argument.

If Mrs. Campbell was hurt by his obvious lack of adoration for her daughter, she didn't show it. "He's right, your father is, love. Naomi is one little ungrateful brat, she can be the hell for me, cant imagine what he's going through when she flies through his house like a monkey on MDMA."

"Naomi is very lovely." I defend, blushing when she gives me a weird look. "I'm sorry."

"No, no Emily it's fine. I'm just a bit confused. I really haven't thought you'd become such good mates to be true with you. It was a plan to keep her out of trouble, pairing her with you was, but I guess you two have found each other in the end. She will be over the moon when she sees how you look now, just imagine her face splitting in half. I'll get the mother of the year award for that one." She can talk, I muse, just the way her daughter does. "Would you like to try on the clothes we bought?"

I have tried on every piece we have picked out today. After I returned with the 'Ramones' T shirt, kiss, rolling stones, vans, converse and a couple others (I still have to find my style, trying everything out I've seen on girls my age until I find what is me). We bought three common jeans trousers, in black, dark red and denim. Then there are two short denim shorts, loads of tights, a simple black pair of converse, a black leather jacket with studs, a new messenger bag, sneaker socks, pretty bra and knickers that don't look like they belong to my great grandmother and a new watch.

I don't know how much all of it cost, but I really doubt my father's fifty quid paid for all of it.

When I mentioned it, Mrs. Campbell laughed it off and changed the subject, dragging me off to get my ears pierced.

I think she liked to do this, my first big girl shopping, showing me the ways of becoming a woman or at least a cool teenager. She has missed doing that with her daughter, perhaps it was good for her too. Therapeutic.

"What the fuck is going on here?"

Following the sound of that angry voice we move to get a better look at a puffy faced Naomi standing in the door frame, her arm possessively around Effy's waist. The brunette is smirking at me, in a 'you're in sooo much trouble and I'm soooo gonna enjoy it' way, making me gulp.

Mrs. Campbell's confusion fades and she glares slightly at her daughter, hands on her hips. "Not like that Naomi."

"Oh please, fuck off will ya? Coming back here, to you, away from home after a horrible week isn't worth a fucking: hello my lovely daughter, how was it to see the man who raised and loved you die? Huh? Just go playing perfect mother with fucking Emily, leave me the fuck alone." She hasn't looked at me once, perhaps when she came in, but surely not since then. Her eyes are glued to her mother's, both blonde's glaring as much as they can, not about to give in. "Manners, Naomi! Stop acting like a spoilt little brat and come give me a hug darling."

So much anger was in Gina's, Mrs. Campbell's voice but I think I misunderstood it. I misread everything, that much is clear from Naomi's next words. "Thank fuck I haven't let you come with me, who knows what you'd have said to dad, you useless fucking cow." Another look, so full of hate, is thrown at her mother, then Naomi turns to Effy and softens instantly. "Lets go upstairs, babe, you promised I could fuck you for six hours today, an hour for every day I stayed there."

"Naomi!" Gina shrieked, horrified by her daughter's blatant display of rebellion.

Her eyes, when she turns to us, scare me.

They are so empty.

"Lets go then." Effy muttered, tugging on Naomi's leather jacket but the blonde keeps staring at her mother like she wanted her to drop dead.

"I wish it were you, not him. You know that, don't you? I fucking wished for it since the day he got sick but of fucking course Emily's precious bastard of a god wouldn't listen. He didn't deserve to die. How he worked his fingers to the bone for me, to make me happy and grow up in an fucking amazing environment, he has sacrificed himself for me. I wish it were you who's dead, not him. I'll wish it til the day I die."

"Baby" One look, a scathing one, lets Effy shut her mouth with a weary expression.

That's a first. Someone able to make Effy shut up like that, it didn't exist before today I'm sure. The sob I hear from my right is breaking my heart and I make the mistake to rush over to Mrs. Campbell intending to comfort her. "That's rich, Emily trying to play the hero...again. Don't you have your own fucking home to be your stupid, holy self at? Just fuck off and leave my mother alone. It's not my fault yours isn't here and you only have your stupid father."

"Naomi, I know that you are hurt, I cant even start to imagine what you must be feeling but love, Emily hasn't done anything to deserve this kind of painful shit you're throwing at her." Gina sighs, rubbing my arms but it's useless, I've already broken out in tears.

Great, Emily.

This family has serious problems right now. A mourning teenager who never lost anyone before, a mother trying to keep her anger in check because she knows how much Naomi is hurt, and what am I doing? Making it about myself...again.

I cant just be there for her, try and reach her, can I? No, I have to act like her hurting my feelings is the end of the world when her father has just died. "It's fine." I wipe my face, my hurting eyes, with my sleeve and smile sadly at a glaring Naomi. "I better be going, think my father wont like it if I don't get home soon."

Gina looks almost disappointed, when the lies rolls off my tongue, and I'm surprised to see a look of disgust on Naomi's face. She scoffs. "Fucking lame lie don't you think Em? What, you didn't think I'd first be on my way to see you when I get back? I know that you were having a 'girls' day out with my mum, ending it with a nice slumber party." She air-quoted the words, making the day, everything we did, everything I learned and the first time that I felt like a normal fourteen years old girl look ridiculous.

How can she be so bad? It's not mean, it's like she is another person, a really angry, empty, bad one I'm not sure I am strong enough to like. "Just fucking go."

"I'm going."

"No, Emily's staying. She cant go home now, how will that look Naomi? Just be reasonable, she doesn't have to sleep in your bed you know." Gina diplomatically tries to reach her daughter's logical side, with not much luck, Effy crosses the last part of Naomi that was still in reality. "Yeah, I wouldn't want holy Fitch lusting over my girlfriend, or worse, hump her in her sleep."

It's not even funny how this strangled cry explodes out of me.

I'm out of the house in no time, barging inside my home, with my Chuck's still covering my feet, I run upstairs. My father is too slow and when he finally gets to my room, I have pushed my chair in front of the door, sitting down on it, so he cant come in. He's knocking, hesitantly, asking what is wrong.

"Nothing! Go away!"

There is a moment of silence, then I hear him grunt. "All right. Just answer me one question please, are you okay?"

"No I'm not! I cant show my face outside, every again! NEVER! And that is all your fault!" I yell, banging my head on the door, crying a river. "You had to raise me into this...this fucking freak! Why? Why have you fucked up my life?! You ruined it! You ruined everything! You and fucking god!I hate that you made me be this way, I hate that you allowed me to turn into such a freak! I hate you..I hate you for not letting me drink coke, allowing me sugar or biscuits! I hate that you make me do all the housework! I hate that you chained me to this house! I hate you for ruining my life! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!"

I'm hysterical at that point, banging the back of my head against the door repeatedly. "I hate you soo much!"

"Open the fucking door or I'll kick it in, princess!"

Effy's angry order freezes me, scaring me half to death. I hold my breath, hoping she'll leave if she doesn't hear me but that's a stupid wish. I jump away from the door when she runs into it, with her whole body. Of course she hasn't kicked it in, but it scared me enough to get up and let her walk in.

She's properly fuming.

Marching up to me as I speed off backwards up my bed and almost into wall until I have nowhere to go, Effy glares like she wanted to see me dead. When she's on my bed, straddling me, her hands goe to my chin and she holds it painfully, making me look at her. She speaks through gritted teeth. "Your best friend is hurt, you fucking selfish bitch. She's in so much pain it's ripping her apart so fucking painfully she doesn't know how to deal. She ran after you, because she actually cares about your stupid act in her sitting room, only to hear you talk that way to your fucking father? Get a fucking gripEmily. The man didn't do it on purpose! You cant fucking punish him for something you haven't even tried to change. You allowed it to happen, you showed him that his way was correct so how can you fucking stand there and yell that bullshit at him? Hm?"

"You don't know anything!" I yell into her face and it only makes her angrier.

She pinches my chin harder, bringing her face closer and good lord I am about to shit my pants. "All I know is that you let him do it. And I also know, that when you asked for money and the permission to go buy clothes and shit for your birthday he didn't forbid it, he gave you the money. You wanted to change something, go shopping without him, chose your own stuff, he let you. You sleep at Naomi's once a week, she is here all the time. You go to town with us, we watch telly, we were at McDonalds, he lets you stay out for longer than six pm. That fucking shows me that he is willing to change things so don't make him the monster you'd like him to be. It's sad, to realise that all this time it weren't him who was holding you back, it was you. But that doesn't give you the right to act like this. Fucking graceless wannabe." I'm scared she might actually spit in my face she's that pissed off. "She's hurt, so fucking hurt about her father's death. And she comes to see you only to hear you were out with her mother, whom she's blaming because she has to blame someone, was out with you having girls day. She gets here and hears you talk to him that way. It's not okay."

"Where is she?" I hoarsely whisper.

"Downstairs with your dad. Comforting him."

It breaks my heart, seeing my father's hurt expression when I enter the kitchen. I really have acted badly, he doesn't deserve that, not really. Something is happening to me, something I don't like, it makes me act ungrateful and cheeky, rude.

Naomi is sitting on our kitchen counter, smoking a cigarette, sharing some jack with my father. This is new. The smoking too, she never was allowed to smoke inside of the house. "Father? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have yelled at you the way I did. It's not your fault I was being miserable, and I hope that you can forgive me."

When he doesn't say a word I look up from the floor, only to be met with two pair of shocked eyes staring at me like I am insane. Following their eyes I sigh, running a hand through my hair. "What do you say? Do you hate it?" Uncomfortable silence. "I know you said not to get over board with the clothes' choice but"

"Stop Emily." My father orders with a tired voice, shaking his head. "Just stop."

"But dad"

"No." And then he is getting up and walking up the stairs without looking backwards once. My scared eyes find Naomi's and she sighs, shrugging her shoulders. "Do you think he'll forgive me?"

"He's your dad, he will forgive you everything. He's made that way, you know."

"But...he looked so disappointed."

"He is." With a groan Naomi jumps off the counter and reaches for Effy's hand, pulling her close. "But every normal father is bound to be disappointed by his teenager daughter. That's as normal as snow in winter twenty years ago." When they walk past me, Naomi stops, eyeing me. "Cool shirt."

Somehow, hearing that from her, suddenly made everything not seem as bad any more.

Perhaps we're not done yet.