I do not own anything in the world of Harry Potter. This little story is dedicated to all my teacher friends.
I borrowed heavily from this website: www. sciencegeek lingo. html as well as several websites documenting current state teacher requirements.
Please review.
CHAPTER 6 "STOOPID Is As STOOPID Does"
Dec. 15, 1995 - Student Teaching Options to Optimize the Potential forIndividual Development
"Why's the meeting tonight at 5:30?" Hagrid asked as he shortened his stride for Rolanda Hooch. The corridors were full of students bustling about. In the morning, they were leaving for holidays.
"Dunno, there, Hagrid," was Hooch's reply. "All I know's that Dumbledore requested everyone to be on time at 5:30."
As they entered the staffroom, they saw that they were just in time. Quickly, they took their seats, and as soon as they did, Dumbledore rose from his chair at the head of the table.
"As Professor Umbridge will be here shortly, I'll come straight to the point," he said bluntly. "Do not antagonize the woman any more than necessary. Her authority is growing exponentially within the Ministry as well as the School Board, and I predict there will soon be a day when I am no longer able to intervene on your behalf."
"Surely, those idiots at the Ministry won't dare try to get rid of you!" McGonagall argued.
Dumbledore sighed and smiled wearily. "I fear I am in just as much danger of being sacked as the rest of you." He looked at Minerva, a mild twinkling returning to his eyes. "Idiots not withstanding." He glanced around the room, his eyes lingering on each of them for just a moment. "My continued presence here is entirely dependent upon your collective cooperation with High Inquisitor Umbridge."
"Albus, I will not bow down to anyone," declared Minerva in a voice nearly trembling with rage. "When she was a student here, I didn't permit her to bully the other students, and I certainly won't allow her to bully us now!"
"There's no need for outright defiance," Snape told Minerva, "not when Slytherin guile will work much better."
Dumbledore coughed to clear his throat and rose. "Well, I'll be leaving now that I see you have this in hand." He walked towards the door and opened it. "Oh, good evening, Dolores," he said brightly. "I was just informing the staff that they are to give you their complete cooperation." He turned, and before he left, he gave the room a stern warning look over the tops of his glasses.
Blinking in surprise, a delighted Umbridge sashayed into the room and took the seat the Headmaster had just vacated. "Good evening," she told them with a girlish simper. "I'm pleased to know that you all now understand the utter importance of my work here. After all, it is for the ultimate benefit of the children. Now, I'd like to hear some of your plans." She sniffed and inclined her head towards Trelawney. "You, first, Professor Trelawney."
Sybil Trelawney stood, shaking so nervously that her beads rattled. She reached blindly beside her to pull Hermione to her feet. "R-Rubeus," she said as she waved a hand at the half-giant, "come up here with us."
Hagrid joined his partners, and Trelawney abandoned Hermione's arm in order to cling to the more substantial strength of his. " 'ermione, here, is goin' ta speak fer our group," he rumbled, giving the young woman a firm poke on the shoulder.
Hermione plastered on a fake smile and picked up her RNC. "Good evening," she said, "we have an idea that we think might work. We believe that the establishment of a tutoring club would be of great benefit. Academically weaker students would be paired with a peer tutor to help them in their weak subjects, and those academically successful students would gain in self-esteem. The school could also offer house points and other prizes to encourage tutors."
"A sound idea," Flitwick said. "Perhaps we could put it in place after Christmas holidays."
"Um, yes," Umbridge said reluctantly, "I'll have to consult class time tables to ascertain the potential of this. Please be seated." She brushed some imaginary lint from her sleeve. "Professor Flitwick? Please present your idea."
Flitwick nodded to his group members, and they stood as a group. "While researching your project - "
"Which was fascinating," Sirius added quickly.
"- we came across a book," Flitwick explained, "a very interesting book by an American educator and author -"
"A Muggle educator and author," put in Burbage.
Flitwick continued without missing a beat, "- named Rudy Rayne or something like that." He flicked his wand and a copy appeared. He handed it to Umbridge with a little dramatic flourish. "Basically, I gather that some students have difficulties at school because of their backgrounds."
"Muggleborns, for instance," Burbage added, "do not have the basic knowledge of how our world works. Many times they do poorly simply because they don't understand the way things are." She nodded to Hermione, who nodded vigorously in return.
"And the economically disadvantaged," Siruis said, "regardless of blood status often find it difficult to fit in with their more well-off peers."
"Yes, but isn't that just common sense?" questioned Sinistra. "Everyone is different. There will always be differences between people. It doesn't matter from where the student comes, we have to educate them all."
"I agree," Hooch asserted. "They can choose to learn or not."
"Let's not get into a discussion about this right now," Umbridge raised her voice and declared. She held up her arms with palm tilted outward in a gesture demanding they stop. "Now, Professor Sinistra, please have your group present."
Sinistra, Sprout, and Hooch stood as Burbage, Flitwick, and Black settled back into their chairs.
"Well, we've found some pretty interesting facts, I can tell you," Hooch said. "One of the best ways is to improve student learning is with visual aids."
"Another way is through the use of small groups," added Sinistra.
"The best way we found to enrich learning," Sprout said brightly, "is to assign projects to the more advanced students, allowing them to learn things for themselves."
Abruptly, the trio sat back down.
"Oh," Umbridge gasped, "I thought you would take much longer." She tapped the table top with a pink nail. "Professor McGonagall? Would you and your team make your presentation?"
Severus stood and took his time to assist both Minerva and Septima from their seats. "High Inquisitor Umbridge," he intoned solemnly, "I will speak for the group. After our last meeting, my esteemed colleagues and I took a careful review of your assignment, and we concluded that it did, indeed, have instructive merit. At that time, we began a two part review of the educational process here at Hogwarts, and what we found was quite eye-opening." He gestured to Minerva, who took up the explanation.
"Upon a closer evaluation of long-standing pedagogical practices, I found a total of thirty-seven ways in which we could improve the current system. I also found evidence of fifty-two separate incidents where failure to follow Ministry procedures resulted in detrimental results." She nodded gravely and motioned to Snape.
"Further," Snape elaborated, "I have documented no less than six hundred and eighty-nine separate counts of situations, where poor educational practices could have resulted in possible destruction and could also have been instrumental in shutting down the school. This would have resulted in grave danger for students and staff alike as well as a tremendous expense for the taxpayer.
"When my fellow educators, showed me the results of their findings," Septima admitted, "I took the liberty of running a few arithmantic equations. I calculated the blended paradigms through the experiential based learning process and measured the results against such near tangible strategies as outcome-based enrichment with synergistic effects, and I fear that the results have the potential to prove scandalous for -" She paused to take an deep, shuddering breath. "Well, I can only say the results are worth delving into further."
"We have collected all of our other colleague's findings and suggestions, and have added them to ours along with completed and corrected lesson plans that you had initially required," Snape continued. "We are quite certain that with your leadership and Ministry backing we will drive cross-curricular mastery learning via self-reflection."
"Well, now, I'm not quite sure what to say," Umbridge admitted.
"We, too, were stunned at these revelations," Snape crooned with pathos. He looked around the room, nodding knowingly at his co-workers. "We are also all too painfully aware that we, as mere teachers, do not have the expressed authority to properly evaluate these shocking and potentially detrimental allegations. After all, our years of experience and expertise come only from working with children in the classroom; however, there are those outside the educational process have the Ministry backing and the funds to proceed." He heaved a sigh and held out a hand to McGonagall. "Minerva, if you would?"
With a great show of reluctance, Professor Minerva McGonagall and Septima Vector reached under the table and pulled for a five inch three-ring binder. It was overly-stuffed with papers, charts, graphs, and various pieces of information. The notebook itself was pink and sparkly, and on the cover was the fluffiest, Persian kitten imaginable. When Minerva set the notebook in front of Umbridge, the High Inquisitor clasped her hands together in delight as a single tear of joy slipped down her overly rouged cheek.
"Inside this notebook," Snape explained, "which we call our 'Student Teaching Options to Optimize the Potential for Individual Development'; you will find the amalgamation of all our findings. We will leave it to your judgment as to how these findings should be organized, handled, and integrated; that is if you feel that they should, indeed, be instituted. After all, you have the authority and power to take any actions you deem necessary; whereas, we do not." He bowed formally to her and sat down, Minerva and Septima joining him.
Umbridge cast a covetous eye at the pink notebook that sat so tantalizingly near her. Slowly, she reached forward with two greedy paws and pulled the notebook to her.
"So, you will look into the matter?" Sinistra asked.
"Oh, please, Dolores," Minerva added softly. "I know it will take up a tremendous amount of your time and energy, but -"
Snape interrupted her. "It is a colossal undertaking, Madam Inquisitor," he told her. "Only someone of the utmost discernment and talent could assume such a heavy burden. We -" He gestured around the room. "-are mere educators, who possess only a modicum of understanding when it comes to educational reforms."
"Only someone with your authority and zeal could handle such an awesome responsibility," Sinistra urged softly.
Slowly, her face changed from one of demanding scorn to one of magnanimous beneficence. "Of course, I will," she gushed. She stood up, hefted the book in her arms, and clutched it to her chest. "I'll go through this immediately," she informed them. Her eyes gleamed with excitement. "You all may carry on with today's assignment. I'll just take this to my office and begin going through it." Heels clicking in rapid staccato, she left the staffroom without even remembering to give them their new assignments.
When her footsteps were just an echo ringing on the stones, Pomona Sprout stood up. "How could you?" she demanded, disgust dripping from every word. "How could you betray Albus and Hogwarts like that?
"The three of you just sacrificed us all to that Toad," Sirius yelled. "Just offered us up wrapped in pink glitter and kittens!"
"Sirius Black, don't you dare take that tone with me!" snapped Septima.
"Really, Pomona," Snape drawled, "don't get your knickers in a twist."
"You leave my wife's knickers out of this, Snape!" shouted Flitwick.
"Didn't any of you listen to what they were saying?" Aurora Sinistra asked slowly. "Surely, you didn't fall for it, too?" She laughed.
Charity Burbage, her voice low and steady, said, "I think someone had better start explaining because it sounded to me as if you lot were siding with the Toad."
"We," Hooch added, indicating herself and the others, "got that same impression. So, start explaining."
Minerva heaved a gargantuan sigh. "Really, now, surely none of you would dream that I would betray Albus. What I said was that I had found thirty-seven ways to improve the current system, which I did. I just failed to mention that number one on my list is to get rid of Dolores. And it is true that in fifty-two incidents we didn't follow Ministry procedures causing poor results. Poor results for the Ministry, that is, but not for the students or the school." She grinned like a cat eating cream.
Grins and chuckles began to circle the room.
"The six hundred and eighty-nine situations of potential destruction did happen," Snape asserted. "They happened at Durmstrang in the mid-1950's."
Septima Vector Black, laughed as she told them, "The arithmantic equations that I calculated were so full of obfuscations and redundancies, that no one could ever solve them. It would be like trying to calculate pi to the last digit using colors and fruit."
"The rest of the information contained in that hideous notebook consisted of a statistics, case studies, course syllabi, and other psuedo-factual odds and ends that Miss Granger printed for us from the Muggle Internet," Severus explained.
"Our efforts should keep her busy, and more importantly, off our backs for the rest of the year," Septima added.
"Right, now," Minerva said quickly, clapping her hands. "If we hurry, perhaps we can still make the Holiday Leaving Feast with the children." She stood up, ushering everyone towards the door. "Hurry, I can feel my mouth watering right now for that roast turkey."
"Ya don' have ta tell me twict," Hagrid bellowed. He stood, heading for the door, but like the gentleman he was, he stopped to hold the door open for the ladies.
"Thank you, Rubeus," Roland Hooch told him. She reached up to take his arm. "Why don't you escort me and the girls down to the Great Hall?" She indicated Charity Burbage and Sybil Trelawney.
"And, then, after the students are settled off for the night, maybe the four of us could skip down to the Hogshead Inn for a night cap?" Charity suggested.
"No, no," quavered Trelawney, "no strong spirits. This night is full of strong spirits of its own." She gathered her long skirts up in one hand and followed her companions out the door. "But perhaps a small sherry to keep off this dreadful winter chill wouldn't go amiss."
"If you don't mind," Aurora Sinistra said, "I'll just skip the feast. I have a gentleman waiting for me in Glasgow." At Minerva's nod, Aurora waved her wand, transforming her teaching robes to a slinky green dress with three inch stiletto heels.
"Have fun, dear," Minerva told her with a motherly chuckle. "Just don't walk through the corridors like that. I'm afraid you'll give the seniors heart failure."
"Your cloak," Severus said aloud. He carefully draped it around Aurora's shoulders. "Be sure to get an air-tight prenuptial agreement, Aurora. Minerva's brother, Robert, is the best in Scotland," he whispered to her.
"Hold on, Aurora, and we'll walk you out. Professor McGonagall, er, Minerva, if you don't mind, Septima and I would like to make an early evening as well. I've promised my darling bride that she could spend the holidays redecorating Grimmauld Place." He helped Septima with her cloak before donning his own. "Before I go, I'd like to apologize, Severus," Black said. "That was bloody brilliant."
Snape gave him a neutral nod.
Minerva smiled at the three young people. "Ah, get along with you," she laughed. "Severus, Pomona, Filius, as Head of House -"
"Let's just go before the Toad comes back," Flitwick said. "After you, Pomona, my dear." The couple left arm in arm.
"Well, let's not dilly-dally," she told Snape and Hermione as they left the room. "Later tonight, the two of you meet me in my sitting room, and we'll share a toast to successful conspiracies."
The End
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This chapter's title is a misspelled play on the quote by Forrest Gump.