I have returned! Finally back from vacation, I am completely exhausted but ready to continue my writing. In response to a guest's question, Mikey normally wears a t-shirt and jeans, nothing fancy. The only time this changes is when he's out to impress shmucks that he's ripping off, in which case he wears clothes a little higher quality.
Dipper Vs Manliness
Stan was waiting for his last customer still in the shop to leave. Tyler Cutebiker was a regular at the Mystery Shack, despite being a local, and always fell hard for Stan's cons. Still, it was way too early for Stan to deal with Tyler's inane chattering.
"I like to get my Christmas shopping done early. Do you have anything in the spirit of the season?" Tyler asked Stan.
In the middle of June, Stan only had one thing he could pass off as Christmas themed. He pushed a bowl of broken glass towards Tyler. "What about these crystals?"
Tyler giggled as he inspected the shards. "They look like broken glass."
"What are you, a cop?" Stan set the glass back on the counter and waited for Tyler to pick something else.
"Ooh! What is that new thing?" He didn't have to wait long as Tyler shot into the back of the gift shop.
The triplets walked into the gift shop and made a beeline for their grunkle. "Grunkle Stan, can we go to the diner?" Dipper asked, clutching his stomach for effect.
"We're huuungry." Mabel joined in, moaning out the last word.
"Huuuungry."The three moaned as Stan just stared at them from behind the counter.
When they eventually stopped Stan shrugged. "Yeah sure. Soon as this yahoo makes up his mind." He pointed to where Tyler stood, standing under the furred trout.
"Do you have this in another animal?"
Stan looked at the kids with a giant grin on his face. "I'm fine with locking him in if you are." The trio nodded eagerly, and they all ran outside, where Stan wedged the door shut with a long board. Tyler didn't notice, he was entirely focused on deciding between a purple puma shirt, and a green panther shirt.
Greasy's Diner was a landmark in Gravity Falls, and on a Saturday morning, almost everyone in town could be found there. Old Man McGucket was drinking more coffee than everyone else in the building together, Sheriff Blubs was speed eating a stack of pancakes, and Manly Dan and Wendy were spending some quality Father-Daughter time together. The Pines watched all this from their booth while Stan talked to their waitress. "Lazy Susan! There's my little ray of sunshine! Where were you yesterday?"
"I got hit by a bus!" The cheerful tone Susan used made it seem like a joke, but in Gravity Falls it was always hard to tell.
Stan seemed to think it was very funny as he pounded the table."Hilarious!"
"Thank you." Lazy Susan said as she began to laugh along with Stan.
When they finished, Stan began to order. "You do split plates right?"
"Maybe…"Lazy Susan said before she picked up her closed eyelid and manually opened and closed it. "Wink!"
The grin on Stan's face was larger than they had ever seen."Great! We'll all split a one-fourth of the number seven, plus a free salad dressing for the lady, and two small plates of ketchup for the boys." Lazy Susan wrote down the order and waved as she left.
Mabel was, for some reason, not satisfied with her free salad dressing. "But Grunkle Stan, I want pancakes!"
Stan shook his head before she had finished speaking. "With the fancy flour, they use these days? What am I, made of money?" As he gestured violently, a dollar bill poked out of his sleeve. Without moving anything but his hand Stan slowly tapped the bill back into his sleeve. Mabel huffed and pouted in her seat.
While this was happening, Dipper was looking for a way that they could all get some real food. Then he saw the old game in the back, with a sign promising free pancaked to the winner. "Don't worry guys, pancakes are on me. I'm gonna win some by beating that manliness tester."
The other three stared at him before they all shared a glance. "Manliness tester?" Stan questioned.
"Beating?" Mabel followed up, sounding even more confused than her grunkle. With that none of them could hold their laughter in anymore, and collapsed onto the table. While they tried to get themselves under control, Dipper tried to understand what was so funny about him beating the manliness tester. He didn't figure it out.
Mikey finally stopped and playfully grabbed Dipper's arm. "Yeah, I'm sure these noodle arms are just packed with muscle." Dipper jerked his arm back and glared at his brother.
Mabel tried to explain their outburst. "Sorry Dipper, but you're not exactly Manly Mannington." She probably could have done it a little more tactfully.
Dipper switched his glare from Mikey to Mabel. "I am too Manly Manny, or whatever it is you just said." He protested, but all he got was more laughter.
Stan tried to explain that Dipper wasn't manly, and he shouldn't even try the game. "Face the music kid, you got no muscles, you smell like baby wipes, and let's not forget last week's incident." The incident Stan was talking about, was when he had caught Dipper singing a girly pop song to himself in the bathroom.
Dipper tried to protest again. "Come on guys, I'm plenty masculine. Just look at this chest hair." He pulled down his shirt to expose his chest.
"So smooth!" Stan stared mesmerized.
"I'm blind!" Mikey tried to shield his eyes from the bright glare.
Mabel shouted at Dipper. "Put it away! Put it away!"
Dipper quickly covered his chest back up and watched as his family collapsed back into laughter. He glared at them and slid out of the booth. "Fine, family of little faith, get ready to eat your words" Before he had left completely he amended his statement. "and a delicious plate of pancakes." As he walked towards the machine, many of the diner's customers turned to watch him. Dipper did his best to ignore the stares. "Alright Dipper, time to manhandle this, man… handle." He should have found a better way to phrase that, but it was too late now.
"Quit stalling!" Stan yelled from the booth.
Dipper grabbed the handle and strained with all his might, as the lights continued to climb. Just as they were about to reach "Manly Man" the lights dropped all the way back to the bottom which flashed as a card was printed off. The pink slip of paper read, "You are a cutie-patootie," and Dipper immediately began running damage control. "This thing must be broken. It's totally broken guys. It's like a million years old, probably ran out of steam power…"
Dipper was interrupted from his nervous rambling as Manly Dan pushed him out of the way. The massive lumberjack pushed the handle with his pinky. The lights shot to the top, and the machine overloaded and exploded. "Yes! Pancakes for everyone!"
As Dipper watched everyone in the diner cheer he tried to leave smoothly but tripped on the floor. He picked himself up and ran out the door without looking back.
Stan shook his head as he watched Dipper run out of the building. "Yeesh, how am I related to that?"
Mabel poked her grunkle's side. "Oh come on Grunkle Stan, I'm sure you have a soft side too."
Mikey looked out the window as he saw Dipper run by, and rolled his eyes. "I'm gonna go get Dipper." He said as he moved out of the booth. Mabel waved goodbye, while Stan didn't seem to notice.
Lazy Susan returned with their orders and set the plates down on the table. Stan began to stutter his way through a thank you. "Thanks there sugar pot! I mean, uh, honey wasp, kitten baby, b… baby cow."
Susan laughed as she went back to the kitchen. "Silly! Silly man."
Mabel stared at her uncle. "What was that about?" She asked him suspiciously.
Stan's nerves returned full force. "Nothing. I don't want to talk about it. Talk about what? Why is this table wet?"
Mabel realized what was happening here. "Wait just a second, I think I have an idea happening here. You…"
"No!" Stan tried to protest.
"And her…" Mabel continued.
"Stop it!" Stan was practically begging at this point but was cut off when Mabel let out the shrillest scream he had ever heard. "Oh boy."
Mabel shook her uncle in her excitement. "You have a thing for Lazy Susan! You do have a soft side!"
Stan pushed her off and tried to quiet her. "Keep it down, will ya!? Alright, I admit it. It would be nice if she liked me, but I've been out of the game for so long I wouldn't know where to start. I mean, look at her, she's so classy." Stan stared at Lazy Susan as she tried to fix one of the many broken appliances in the diner.
"Spin ya dumb pies! Spin!"
Mabel placed her hand on her grunkle's shoulder. "Grunkle Stan, you are a cranky, gross, weird old man. But we will get Lazy Susan to like you because nothing is stronger than the power of…"
"Love?"Stan interrupted.
Mabel shook her head. "Mabel. To victory!" She raised her salad dressing into the air and downed it.
Meanwhile, Dipper was walking the streets of Gravity Falls, trying to figure out how to become a man. He walked past a fire hydrant that had been broken and was currently spraying water into the street. "Another hydrant destroyed, It's a gosh dang mystery." Sheriff Blubs told Durland.
Durland seemed to think for a few moments before he turned back to the Sheriff. "Wanna take our uniforms off, and run around in circles?"
Blubbs was already out of his uniform. "Quit reading my mind."
Dipper backed away from the two grown men running around in the water with their shirts off. Since he was walking backward, he didn't notice the woman until he had already run into her. "Oh, I'm sorry. I was looking for the mailman." She apologized.
Dipper was still very emotional, and couldn't handle her words. "Oh what? Are you saying I'm not a male man? Is that what you're trying to say? I'm not male? I'm not a man? Is that… that what you're getting at?"
She stared at him in confusion. "Are you crying?" Dipper closed his eyes tightly against the tears, and ran away from the woman, directly into the forest.
A few minutes later Mikey calmly approached the woman. "Did a boy come through here? Looks exactly like me, might have been crying?" She wordlessly pointed into the woods that Dipper had run into. Mikey thanked her as he continued to walk. About fifteen minutes into the forest he realized that there was no way for him to know what direction Dipper had gone after he entered the forest. Mikey wasn't very worried about this, he knew that the woods were practically surrounded by the town. Dipper would make his way out eventually. Mikey moved an oddly thick set of branches out of his way and realized he might have more to worry about than finding Dipper.
In the clearing ahead sat a small village, small in that no house rose even to Mikey's knees. There were buildings in the trees, as well as on the ground, and tiny people flew between them. Mikey's first thought was that he had found a village of fairies, that changed when a group of five charged at him through the air. When they stopped in front of his face he realized that while they were shaped like fairies, and had wings, that's where the similarities ended. Their wings resembled dragonfly's more than anything, and they looked to have an exoskeleton or at least very rigid scales instead of skin. They waved their spears threateningly, and Mikey realized that now would be a good time to talk his way out of this.
He gave his most convincing smile and allowed a healthy amount of confusion to show in his expression, not very difficult in this case. "Uh, Hello. I didn't mean to disturb you, so I'll just be heading back now." He gave a slight wave and began to slowly back away. The things didn't follow him, and he believed that he was actually going to get out of there. That's when he felt something very sharp at the back of his neck.
Mikey slowly turned his head and saw that it was a lone soldier hovering in the air behind him, baring his teeth in a fierce grin. This close Mikey could see the needle-like teeth that filled its mouth. "No, you won't." The creature said as he prodded Mikey forward. Mikey did so without a fight and didn't fight as the other swarmed around him. He saw some powder being released into the air and felt his eyes grow heavy. He was unconscious by the time his head hit the ground.
Dipper had found his own clearing, where he was trying to become a man. He threw aside the branch he had been using to exercise and checked his chest again. "No chest hair yet. Is it physical, is it mental? What's the secret?" He sighed and sat against a fallen tree. He opened a package of jerky, but before he could eat any of it the ground began to shake, and animals came streaming out of the forest.
Manly Dan ran past, looking just as terrified as the forest animals. "For the love of all that's holy run!"
Dipper didn't run, instead, he stared as the tree fell toward him. At the last second Dipper grabbed his hat and rolled out of the way. The giant beast walked out of the woods, and Dipper began to beg for his life. "Please don't eat me! I haven't showered! In like a week! And I'm all elbows! Elbows, and gristle!"
The giant creature grabbed a deer out of a nearby bush and used the antlers to scratch his back. When he finished he threw the deer out of Dipper sight. Dipper sat there staring at the giant humanoids hoofed feet and horns. The creature pointed at Dipper's face and screamed. "YOU!" Dipper flinched away and hoped he wasn't about to be eaten. "Gonna finish that?" The beast finished, pointing to the opened bag of jerky.
Dipper tossed the bag towards him. "No." Dipper watched as the beast stuffed his mouth with the jerky. "I can't believe it, part animal, part human. Are you some kind of minotaur?" He asked the creature, not sure if expected an answer.
The creature pounded the ground. "I'm a mainotaur! Half man! Half… uh… half taur!" He finished with another pound.
Dipper looked at him with confusion. "So, did I like summon you or…"
The manotaur cut him off. "The smell of jerky summoned me! JERKY!" He emphasized every sentence by punching through a tree and pulverizing a rock. When he finished he smelled the air deeply and then sniffed Dipper. "I smell… emotional issues."
Dipper looked down at the ground. "I have problems, Manotaur. Man related problems." The manotaur crossed his legs and sat down heavily on the ground. He patted his knee, and Dipper leaned against while he told the manotaur what had happened. "Well, my own uncle called me a wimp, and I flunked this manliness video game thing." As Dipper explained the manotaur nodded in understanding. Heartened just b y his listening Dipper looked into the manotaur's eyes. "Hey, you seem pretty manly. Maybe you could give me some pointers?"
The manotaur thought on it for a few seconds, before it stood up and gestured to it's back. "Very well. Climb atop my back hair, child."
Dipper blanched at the idea but decided that any chance of becoming a man was worth it. "Uh… okay."
He gripped tightly to the thick mat of hair and tried hard not to think about as the manotaur began to run. They flew through the forest and onto a craggy mountain, Dipper had been thrashed by branched throughout the run and was glad that there were no more branches to hit him. That changed when his ride leaped off the cliff directly for a flat wall of rock. When he opened his eyes again, Dipper realized they had smashed through the wall and into a cave filled with other manotaurs, wrestling, and playing foosball.
"This place is amazing!" Dipper couldn't stop looking at his surroundings.
The manotaur that had brought him here began to speak. "The gnomes live in the trees, the merpeople live in the water, 'Cause they're losers! But we Manotaurs, crash in the MAN CAVE!" He grabbed a mallet a swung it hard against a gong in one corner of the cave. "Beasts! I have brought you, a hairless child!" He announced.
Dipper swallowed hard as the massive manotaurs surrounded him "... S'up." He said with a slight wave.
His manotaur pointed to each of the manotaurs in the cave. "This is, uh, Pubetor, Testosteror, Pituitor, and I'm Chutzpar. And you are?" He asked.
Dipper started at the unexpected question. "Oh, my name's Dipper" The other manotaurs shook their heads in disgust and began to jeer. "The, uh, Destructor?" They seemed much more satisfied with this name, but still not impressed.
Chutzpar nodded and turned back to his brethren. "Dipper The Destructor wants us to teach him the secrets of our manliness."
Dipper stepped forward and began his plea by exposing his chest. "I need help! Look at this! Look at this!"
One of the manotaurs, Pubetor, nodded gravely. "I must confer with the High Council." All of them gathered in a tight huddle.
Dipper didn't hear anything until a loud shout came from the middle of the huddle. "I DON'T LIKE YOUR FACE!" Their conference quickly devolved into a fistfight.
Dipper smiled as he watched them attack each other. "I like these guys."
Mabel, Wendy, and Soos were preparing to help Stan get a date. Mabel grabbed her camera and readied Stan with a positive pep talk. "Okay Grunkle Stan, Welcome to the first day of whatever is left of your life!" First, a before picture." Stan screamed as the flash blinded him. Mabel didn't even notice. "I never miss a scrapbookertunity." After she placed the picture into her scrapbook, She turned back to Stan. "Let's start with some roleplaying. Soos will be Lazy Susan."
Soos was already dressed in full Lazy Susan get-up, and ready to help. "I'm soft, like a woman."
Mabel gave Soos a thumbs-up and turned back to Stan. "Grunkle Stan, show me how you approach a woman. Remember, this is a safe, non-judgemental environment. I'll just be right off to the side judging you on a scale from one to ten." She readied her clipboard and glitter pen.
Stan approached Soos and spat in between them. "Can I borrow some money?" He asked with his hand out.
Mabel blew her whistle to stop the scene. "This is gonna be harder than I thought." She said. Wendy patted her comfortingly but knew that this wasn't going to work.
The Manotaur Council had finished debating, and Dipper was eagerly awaiting their verdict. "After a lot of punching, we have decided to deny your request to learn our manly secrets," Pubetor told him.
Dipper was devastated. "Denied?" But not enough to quit trying. "Ok. Fine. That's okay with me. Obviously, you guys think it would be too hard to train me. Maybe, you're not man enough to try." He said arrogantly, waiting for one of them to take the bait.
He didn't have to wait long. "Not man enough!?" Pubetor screamed as he approached.
"Destructor…"Chutzpar tried to warn Dipper, but he wasn't listening.
"Not man enough!?" Pubetor repeated, waiting for Dipper to take it back.
"He didn't mean it." Chutzpar again tried to cool the meeting down, but no one was listening to him now.
Pubetor continued to scream. "I have three Y chromosomes, six Adam's apples, pecs on my abs, and fists for nipples!"
Dipper continued to taunt the manotaurs. "Seems to me you're too scared to teach me how to be a man. Hey, do you guys hear that? It sounds like… bock-bock. Bock. Oh, that's weird… Bocock, bocAW! Is that? BACAWK! That sounds like… BACAW! Yeah, a bunch of chickens!" He said.
The manotaurs gasped and huddled together again. Dipper still couldn't understand what they were saying, but he did notice there constant glances towards him.
Pubetor Stepped forward from the group. "After a second round of deliberation, we have decided to help you become a man!"
"Man! Man! Man!" The others chanted.
Dipper smiled widely at his new tutors. "Great! Thanks, guys, whatever it is, I will not let you down."
"Being a man is about conquering your fears," Pubetor explained as they led Dipper down the mountainside. Dipper found himself walking toward a hole in the ground, surrounded by the other manotaurs.
Pubetor gestured toward the hole. "For your first man test, you must plunge your fist into… the Pain Hole!"
"The what?" Dipper asked, starting to regret this decision.
Pubetor walked confidently toward the hole and stuck his hand inside. "Pain Hole, shcmainhole…" He began, but his words were quickly swallowed by his screams of pain. He pulled his hand out and ran away, holding it close to his chest.
Dipper was definitely terrified now. "Are you sure this is really necessary?" He asked Chutzpar.
Chutzpar stared down at him. "You want to be a man, don't you?"
Dipper nodded and approached the hole slowly. He placed his hand inside the whole, and the manotaurs began chanting. "Man! Man! Man!"
Mikey woke up to the sound of someone screaming in pain. He looked around and found himself still in the clearing, surrounded by fairies. The only difference was, one of his arms was attached to a tree with what looked like iron cuffs. "What was that?" He asked what appeared to be the leader.
"SILENCE!" The small person screamed into his face. Mikey decided against asking any more questions.
He did at first anyway. After what felt like several hours, but was probably ten minutes, of staring at his captors, he decided to get some answers. "So, is there a reason I'm cuffed to a tree? And where do fairies get cuffs anyway?"
The leader seemed infuriated by his nonchalant questions. "We took those restraints during a raid on the human village! And you are imprisoned here because you are a menace! A danger to everything around you!" The leader was now directly in Mikey's face, and very nearly cutting him with the spear he was gesturing with.
Mikey wondered if he could use the knowledge that they had attacked Gravity Falls to his advantage, but right now he wanted more information. "You're going to have to be more specific." He said. The leader was practically foaming at the mouth now, apparently, these things really hated impoliteness.
He gestured wildly with the spear, and Mikey had to lean back to avoid being hit. "You are a liar and a thief! You are not even honest to your closest loved ones! Such a person must be destroyed at all costs!" He screamed into Mikey's face.
It took Mikey a second to process what the thing had just said, and when he did he felt rage consume him. "I don't lie to my family!" He yelled and brought up his free hand to try to swat the thing.
He missed as the thing zipped around his hand and jabbed it with his spear. He seemed much cockier now that he had gotten a reaction from Mikey. "Oh, so you tell them everything then?" Mikey didn't answer but shifted awkwardly as he touched the stone in his pocket. "That's what I thought. Do not try to hide your wickedness from us! We can sense it in you just like in all of humanity." The sound of a horn came from the center of the village, only a few yards away, and the guards turned and flew toward it. Well, that was ominous. Mikey turned towards the guard they had left behind. He didn't look as uptight as the others, maybe Mikey could get some information out of him.
Mabel was beginning her next stage to fix Grunkle Stan up. Now it was time to practice Stan's smile. "Alright, Let's try to get that inner beauty on the outside." She looked at the frown Stan wore and shook her head. "Smile harder." Stan tried his best, but it was not going well. "Harder!" At this point, Sstan was just stretching his lips as widely as he could, completely giving up actually smiling. "Perfect! Soos!" Mabel seemed satisfied, though.
"Sup, hambone." Soos asked while standing behind Stan.
Mabel turned Stan's chair so Soos could see the smile. "Wha'd'you think?" Soos screamed and ran out of the Shack without giving her an answer. "This is gonna take some really great training music." Mabel said as she went to go search.
Dipper was relaxing with the manotaur in a natural hot spring in their cave. "Guys, I just want to say that these last few hours have been… I feel like there's really been some growth." He told them, really trying to get across how much their help meant to him. "It's just you guys took me under your wing, and have just been so supportive." He said.
"Oh stop." Chutzpar said bashfully.
Dipper refused. "No, you know what? You really have been. I think I feel like I'm finally becoming a man here." He said proudly.
Chutzpar warned him not to get too cocky. "Not yet Destructor. One final test remains. The deadliest trial of all."
Dipper stood up from the hot spring and raised his fist above his head. "I've survived forty-nine other trials. Whatever it is, bring it on!"
Chutzpar and the other manotaurs prepared Dipper with temporary tattoos, while other lit the hall. "Behold our leader, Leaderaur!" Chutzpar announced. A wizened old manotaur walked down the path towards Dipper.
"Is he like the oldest, or wisest, or…" Dipper asked Chutzpar.
"Greetings, young…" The old manotaur was interrupted, as a giant mouth closed on his body, and dragged him into the air.
"Naw, he's just the offering. That is Leaderaur." Chutzpar explained, and pointed to the giant manotaur, at least three times the size of the others, that was eating the offering.
Leaderaur glared at Dipper. "You… You wish to be a man? Then you must heroic act, go to highest mountain…" He reached inside of his chest, screaming as he pulled out a short spear for Dipper to use. "and bring back head of Multi-Bear!"
Dipper stared at Leaderaur with confusion. "The Multi-Bear? Is that some kind of bear?"
"He's our sworn enemy! Conquer him and your mansformation will be complete!" Leaderaur roared.
Dipper wasn't sure if he could kill something, just to be a man. "Conquer? I don't know, man…"
"Destructor, is this yours?" Chutzpar spoke up, holding Dipper's BABBA CD.
Dipper quickly snatched it away from him. "No! Don't know who's that is, just borrowing it, friends, not mine." He looked to the manotaurs that were now muttering amongst themselves and picked up the spear. "I shall conquer the Multi-Bear!"
The Manotaurs cheered as Dipper hefted the spear, but Dipper could only hope he didn't regret this.
Stan's training was finally over. Mabel had done everything she could think him desirable, and it was finally time to see the payoff. Stan was standing in the same pose he had earlier so that Mabel, Wendy, and Soos could see the improvements more clearly. Mabel held her before picture in front of Stan and slowly lowered it. "Okay, Grunkle Stan. you started like this, but you became…" Stan did look different, his shirt had several new stains, he was missing one slipper, and he just, in general, looked much worse.
Stan's hands twitched while he waited for Mabel to say something. "Can I scratch myself now?"
"No! No, no, no! Is that throw up on your shirt?" Mabel pointed to one of the many new stains on his shirt. She looked absolutely devastated by Stan's stubborn refusal to change.
Stan looked down at his shirt and then back to Mabel. "I don't know how to answer that." He said with a shrug.
"Face it Mabel, your uncle's unfixable. Like that spinning pie thing in the diner." Wendy pat Mabel on the shoulder sympathetically.
Something that Wendy said lit a light bulb in Mabel's mind. "Grunkle Stan come with me!" She ran out the door, before she turned around, and gave Stan the best news he had all day. "And leave your pants at home!"
"With pleasure!" Stan smiled widely and walked confidently out the door in boxers and a tank top.
Dipper approached the cave of the Multi-Bear slowly, hoping to have the element of surprise when he attacked. The cave was near the peak of the mountain, well above where the manotaurs made their home. "What is a Multi-Bear anyway?" He asked himself, as he observed the bones scattered outside the cave. As he stepped inside, he became aware of just how many branching paths there were and wondered how he was going to find the Multi-Bear. He shouldn't have worried, only a few steps into the cave he heard a loud growling to one side. Turning he saw a bear that stood at least as tall as one of the manotaurs and had multiple heads, some in a circle surrounding the larger one.
Only one of the heads was roaring now, and one of the paws swatted it as the central head spoke."Bear heads, silence!" It took several more swats before the head fell silent, once it did the Multi-Bear faced dipper. "Child why have you come here?"
"Multi-Bear! I seek your head!" Dipper raised the spear above his head before he stopped to consider what he had said. "…or one of them anyway, there's, like, what six heads?"
Multi-Bear roared at Dipper. "This is foolish! Leave now or die!" Dipper's only response was to ready his spear. "So be it!" Multi-Bear roared and charged. Dipper ran against one of the walls and jumped to the side in order to dodge. He didn't stop running and hid behind a rock just as his enemy smacked bones towards him with enough force to embed them into the rock. Multi-Bear charged Dipper's hiding place, but at the last second Dipper leapt up onto the nearest head and ran to the base of the central one. He used the spear to choke the central head and held on until the Multi-Bear had collapsed. Now he stood on top of Multi-Bear's chest and pointed the spear at his neck.
"A real man shows no mercy!" Dipper yelled as he pulled back to make the killing blow.
Multi-Bear sighed and looked away from his impending death. "Very well, warrior. But will you grant a magical beast one last request?"
Dipper hesitated, and slowly lowered the spear. "Uh… okay."
The Multi-Bears smiled gratefully at Dipper. "I wish to die listening to my favorite song." He nodded to a tape player in one corner of the cave. "The tape is already in there, you can just hit any…" He told Dipper but stopped once Dipper had pressed the right button. Dipper was shocked when he realized that the song was Disco Girl, on of his favorite songs.
He turned back to the Multi-Bear, who was nodding his head along to the beat. "You listen to Icelandic pop group BABBA? I… I love BABBA."
Multi-Bear nodded. "I thought I was the only one. The Manotaurs all made fun of me because I knew all the words to the song Disco Girl." He sighed again and looked to the ground.
Dipper couldn't stand to see the magical creature so sad, and he decided to help. "Oh, you mean: Disco Girl…" He started to sing and hoped the bear would pick it up.
He didn't have to wait since Multi-Bear picked up where he left off without hesitation. "Coming through…"
"That girl is you! Oo-oo-oo-oo." They finished the chorus in unison, and Dipper laughed as he realized he had met someone that understood.
"This is crazy! Finally, someone that understands…" His laughter died off as he remembered what he had come here to do. "Oh, I guess I'm supposed to kill you? Or I'll never be a man?"
"I accept my fate." The Multi-Bear said with a raised chin, presenting Dipper with an easy target.
"No! Really?" Dipper protested as he looked into his calm face.
"It's for the best." The Multi-Bear nodded in confirmation.
Dipper frowned and readied himself for what he was about to do. He picked the spear up from where he had dropped it and ran out of the cave. The trip to the Man Cave seemed much shorter now, and before he knew it he stood before Leaderaur and the other manotaurs. "I'm not going to do it." He said as he drove the spear into the ground.
Leaderaur smashed the spear and leaned into Dipper's face. "You were told! The price of man is the Multi-Bear's head!"
Dipper turned from Leaderaur and addressed the crowd. "Listen, Leaderaur, alright! You too, Tesosteraur, Pubertaur, and… I don't know, whatever you're name is. Beardy." He pointed to one of the Manotaurs that he hadn't ever spoken to.
"It's Beardy." The manotaur nodded, but Dipper was already continuing the speech.
"You keep telling me that being a man means doing all these tasks and being aggro all the time, but I'm starting to think that that stuff is malarkey!" The manotaurs all gasped at Dipper's words. "You heard me, malarkey! So, maybe I don't have muscles, or hair in certain places, and sure, when a girly pop song comes on the radio, sometimes, I leave it on! Cause, dang it, top forty hits are in the top forty for a reason! They're catchy!" He shouted into the crowd.
"Destructor, what are you saying?" Chutzpar asked him. He didn't understand why he would throw away his manhood like this.
"I'm saying that the Multi-Bear is a really nice guy. And you're a bunch of jerks if you want me to cut off his head!" Dipper said strongly, turning to glare at Leaderaur.
"Kill the Multi-Bear, or never be a man!" The giant manotaur roared.
"Then I guess I'll never be a man." Dipper said softly, not backing down an inch.
The boos from the manotaurs were almost deafening before Chutzpar ran on top of the podium. "Hey, guys! Who wants to build something, and then knock it down!" The manotaurs cheered as they ran from the cave, leaving Dipper alone. He kicked a rock and slowly began the walk home.
Mikey was still cuffed to the tree, but he had managed to strike up a conversation with the guard, Rick, they had left behind. He had managed to get some information out of the guard, for example, they only cuffed one hand, because they weren't scared of him, they just didn't want him running off. Now they were playing with a deck of cards Mikey kept in his pocket. "Hey, Rick, what's up with all the commotion going on over there?" Mikey asked as he noticed fairies from all over the village swarming to the center.
Rick shrugged as he looked at the swarm. "Oh, the Council is deciding whether or not to invade the town. We haven't done anything like that in decades, but with a human finding our village, especially one with your attitude, they might just decide to do it." He turned back to the game with a look of intense concentration.
Mikey swallowed hard. From what he could see Gravity Falls wouldn't be able to handle that very well. "What exactly would happen if they did, you know, attack?" He asked, doing his best to sound nonchalant.
Rick shrugged again, completely uninterested in the conversation. "We would kill all the adults we could, and then bring the children back here to be used as slave labor."
Now Mikey felt queasy, he couldn't let that happen, especially when it would be his fault. "Oh…" He grabbed again for the stone he had stolen from Gideon, it was time for some more practice. "Sorry about this." He apologized. Before Rick could say anything, several cards had wrapped themselves around him tight enough that he couldn't move or speak. Mikey grabbed the bobby pins that never left his side and set to work on the cuff. Within moments he was free, but he still needed to stop them attacking Gravity Falls. It was time to do what he did best: Bluff.
Mikey stood up and approached the swarm with as much confidence as he could muster. Several of the beings broke off and approached with their spears ready. They were relaxed, confident. Hopefully, he could change that. "How did you break free from your iron bonds?" The same one that had attacked him earlier questioned.
Mikey took a deep breath to steel his nerves and then snorted. He hoped his amused disdain was up to snuff. "Did you really think iron would hold me back?" He laughed. The soldiers were uncomfortable now, but not threatened, they were still confident. Mikey grabbed the stone tightly, and pushed, sending the soldiers into the swarm, and causing those fairies to scatter. Before they could recover, Mikey ripped two of the buildings nearest him into pieces and held them in the air around him. There was no way he could actually fight with those, but it looked threatening. That was all he needed.
Now they were scared. They were all huddled together, the warriors surrounding the civilians. They were seeking safety in numbers, which meant that Mikey could actually use his debris effectively. The soldiers were hesitating, not willing to leave the safety of the group, which gave Mikey plenty of time to bring the debris down on the group, pinning as many as he could. He approached slowly, taking calming breaths. There were still so many ways this could go wrong, but that was the first step in selling a bluff: mastering your fear, pretending there was nothing for you to be afraid of. There was no trace of fear when Mikey spoke. "Do you really think you can attack us and win? I'm just a kid and I wiped the floor with you." Mikey stalked closer to the leader. He was terrified now, shaking underneath the branch that pinned him. "I'm willing to let this assault slide, but if any of you ever approach our town, I'll bring back more humans and we will destroy everything."
"We won't! We swear! Please, let us go!" Their leader nodded frantically in an attempt t convince Mikey. Mikey simply nodded and backed slowly into the forest. Once he could no longer see the village he released his magical grip on the debris. That had been exhausting. But he didn't have time to rest. It was time to begin the second stage of a successful bluff: getting the hell out before they realized you were bluffing. He took off at a jog and hoped he was heading in the right direction.
The forest moved by in a blur, but since Mikey was mainly focused on whether the fairies were following him he didn't notice the obstacle until he met it head first. "Oww!" He stumbled to halt.
Laying on the ground was Dipper, who was, for some reason, shirtless. Mikey offered his hand while Dipper clutched his head. "Hey, Dipstick. What's up with the tattoos?" He asked.
"It's a long story, I'll tell you and Mabel about it later." Dipper shrugged and turned away to continue his walk.
Mikey knew that pushing Dipper wouldn't get him anywhere, so he just shrugged and joined him.
Mabel led Stan into the diner by his hand. Lazy Susan was hitting the top of the dessert display, trying in vain to get it to do what she wanted. Mabel smiled, she knew this plan would work.
"Lazy Susan, listen: I know he's not much to look at, but you're always fixing stuff at the diner and if you like fixing things, nothing could use more fixing than my Grunkle Stan!" Mabel looked at Lazy Susan with hopeful eyes. Then she went in for the kill. "Also women live longer than men so your dating pool is smaller and you should really lower your standards."
Lazy Susan stepped down from her ladder, and Stan stepped forward to meet her. "So, Lazy Susan, what do you say?" Susan looked Stan up and down, then turned away with a blank expression on her face. Stan deflated, and Mabel pat his arm comfortingly. They turned to leave, but Lazy Susan called them back.
"Hey! Here's my number. Why don't you give me a call sometime?
Stan took the slip of paper she offered, too shocked to realize what had happened. "Really!?"
"Really! And here's some pie. On the house. For you!" Lazy Susan sat the pie down on the nearest table.
Mabel slid into the booth first, and Stan followed her. She couldn't contain her excitement any longer. "We did it! When are you gonna call? You wanna call now? I don't have a phone. Let's buy a phone! We can put it on a credit card. Let's get a credit card."
Stan gently pushed her back into the seat she had stood up in. "Mabel! Let a man enjoy his pie, huh?"
Mabel sat down and looked out her window, just in time to see her brothers walking down the sidewalk. "HEY! GUYS! It's me, Mabel!" She pressed her face against the glass and waved to get their attention. "I'm looking at you through this glass! Right here! This is my voice! I'm talking to you from inside!" Dipper motioned for her to be quiet and the brothers entered the diner to join their family.
"Did you guys see me…"
Dipper cut Mabel off curtly. "Yes."
"What's wrong?" She asked.
"I don't want to talk about it." Dipper said as he slid into the booth.
"Good." Stan said with his mouth full of pie.
Dipper didn't listen to his grunkle. "It's just these half-man, half-bull, humanoids were hanging out with me…"
Stan rolled his eyes. "Here we go."
"But they wanted me to do this really awful thing, but it wasn't right. So I said no."
"You were your own man and stood up for yourself." Stan said as he took another bite of pie. He saw the confused look Dipper was giving him and defended his statement. "Yeah, you did what was right even though no one agreed with ya. Sounds pretty manly to me."
At that moment leaned across the table to stare at Dipper's chest. "Wait a minute! Do my eyes deceive me? You have a chest hair!"
Dipper pulled his shirt down to see that he did now have one chest hair. "You're right! Take that man tester! Take that Pituitor!"
"Congratulations Dipstick, but I don't think it's gonna last long." Mikey said with a laugh
"What is that supposed to mea…" Dipper asked, but was cut off, as Mabel pulled the hair out using a pair of tweezers.
"Scrapbookertunity!"
Stan tried to comfort his nephew. "Don't worry kid. If you're anything like me, there's more where that came from!" He ripped the top of his shirt to show off his thick chest hair.
While the others laughed, Dipper looked away from his uncle. "That's disgusting."
Hope you enjoyed this chapter, and don't forget to R&R.
Dzh gsrh z hsrggb xszkgvi? R uvvo orpv rg dzh z hsrggb xszkgvi.