Four floors down, Link was starting to figure out why these creatures were so intolerably stupid. For the last 5 minutes, she'd been trying her best to decide what she would like to do to the species as a whole but, whenever she thought of a good idea, it was smashed straight out of her head and lost. It was literally too loud to hear herself think.
"I HATE THIS GODESSDAMN PLACE!" Link yelled as she stepped onto the final floor.
"I beg your pardon, ma'am?"
"Eh?"
She flicked her ears, testingly. The banging had stopped, though there was still a great deal of ringing going on. Staring upwards, she could see the Gorons still smashing away with as much delirious umth as they had before. But the hammer blows were rebounding from the walls in silence.
"I'm deaf," Link gasped.
"No no, madam. A common mistake."
She blinked and looked down. There was a Goron in a suit. A neat, black toupee rolled around on its hard, bald head and a neat, black handle bar moustache took pride of place over the rest of the head. She was getting a distinct butlerish feel from it.
It gave a sweeping bow. "Welcome to the Royal Depths."
"Eh?"
Like the other floors, it was very big. But the walls were smooth, the floor flat, and rich tapestries bestowed the walls. All of this was covered in a thick layer of fine rock powder that rained down from above. A tiny Goron was running up and down, collecting this dust off the floor with its hands, and placing it in a small urn that I guessed was a crude likeness of a Goron. Very crude.
Gradually, the ringing subsided. I became aware of two noises and one no noise. An orchestra playing soothing music nearby and something crying behind the curtained off area at the other end were the noises.
The no noise came from an ugly, ancient, and withered Goron that sat in the very centre. Its eyes, hidden by a thin mane of snow white hair, were staring directly upwards. There was a tiny hammer in its hand which it was hitting against an anvil so fast that its arm was a blur. Yet, like the hammer blows on all five floors above, no noise came from it.
"Grandpapy Goron," the butler Goron explained, following my gaze. "He beats the anvil for every beat of the hammers above, thus canceling each other out and allowing the royal family to live in perpetual silence."
"Oh," Link said.
"It's all to do with waves you see," Butler explained further.
"Oh," Link said.
"Err, its magic."
"Ah," Link said.
"I assume you've come to see Darunia?"
"No, the King."
"This way please. And, may I say, you're looking radiant today? Very perky and established."
"Err, thank you."
The tiny butler led her across the floor, past the aged thing, through the gently falling mist, up to the velvet curtain.
"I'm afraid Darunia isn't feeling his best." He turned to the curtain, saying: "Sire? Sire? We have a guest."
"Tell her to go away!"
"That would hardly be polite, Sire."
"I don't care! Tell him to get lost!"
Butler shrugged. "Just go in."
Tentatively, Link drew back the curtain and slipped inside.
"I THOUGHT I SAID........oh."
There was something about that 'oh' that disturbed her.
An enormous landform/ Goron propped itself up on the hundreds of velvet cushions crushed beneath it. Tombstone teeth formed what it probably thought was an inviting grin. It lifted a massive arm to wipe away the tears that coursed down its face like a river down a mountain.
"Excuse me, m'lady," it apologised in quite regal tones. "I am hardly in a fit state to see you."
He held out a hand. Link went to shake it, but found it gripped strongly but gently and being brought towards its gaping mouth. She snatched it back. He didn't even notice, kissing his own hand whilst staring intently at her face.
"What is it you desire?"
"The Goron Ruby," Link said flatly.
"We shall walk as we talk. BUTLER! Get my best cloak!"
"Of course he didn't know that it was his wife," Darunia boomed, laughing.
They'd walked their way back to the highest level, and Link had long since given up saying 'hmmm', 'that's interesting', 'how funny', and 'you're a very entertaining man'. This was partly because the King couldn't hear a single word she said, but it was mainly because they were all lies.
"That's the end of the tour. I'll show you the guys." Like they hadn't been walking past them for the last hour.
He pounded his expansive chest a few times, opened his mouth, and roared a single blast of noise that spread out in a visible wave of air. It is the single trait needed to become King of the Gorons. Each and every Goron stopped at the sound and turned.
"Hi guys."
"HI, KINGEY," the crowd, as a Goron, roared.
"We have a guest today."
He patted Link on the back, effectively throwing her to the edge of the ledge, in full view of everyone.
The hellos, 'oooh's, 'ahhh's, 'nice breasts's, 'those are very nice breasts's, and 'can I touch them?'s all merged into a massive wall of sound, smashing her backwards again. Darunia caught her in a protective hand.
"What d'ya say, guys? Shall we give her our sacred stone?"
"YEAH!"
"That's it then. You can have it."
"But you don't even know anything about me?"
A Goron was running down the tunnel connecting the cavern to the outside world, screaming.
"You look trustworthy to me," Darunia laughed, smashing her on the back again.
The Goron stumbled to a halt at Darunia's feet.
"It's breakin' through the outer defences, cap'n," it yelled.
"'Course, if I didn't like you so much I'd probably send you on a suicide mission into a recently besieged Cavern, but-"
"We canna hold it. It's too strong."
"But one so fair and-." He was trying his best to ignore the little mite running about his legs, even attempting to smush it with his feet.
Twelve and a half Gorons were pounding down the tunnel, screaming a single word that finally got through to him and every single Goron in the room.
"Dragon!"
The roof then chose its moment to cave in.
With a deep boom, the roof sagged like tarpaulin beneath water. A chunk the size of a small house came away, tumbled down through the levels, and crushed a fair number of Gorons. It was half a minute before any of them thought to say oww.
A gaping, toothy mouth in an ugly head at the end of a long, serpentine neck appeared at the hole. It roared, spraying burning spit everywhere. Two claws started to tear the hole larger.
The Gorons had gone insane, screaming and running round in small circles and accidentally falling off the edge. Darunia stood among them, calm as a boulder, roaring orders at the top of his lungs. A few were actually responding, such was the power of his voice.
Team Suicide consisted of the biggest and stupidest Gorons. It worked by them being too slow to realise the sheer stupidity of what they were doing. They wielded massive hammers.
Team Unnecessary Massacre was everybody else and aimed to give the attacking Dragon a deadly case of indigestion.
The hole was large enough, and the whole scaly body slid through. It dropped, wings unfolding like leather umbrellas. It must've had a wing span of fifty metres. A wave of flame burst forth from its mouth, scorching a level and its occupants to cinders.
"Team Suicide, GO!"
The twenty brave and stupid souls jumped from the ledge and hurtled downwards, hammers raised. Only two managed to find their target, smashing into each wing with such force that they must've been broken. The beast gave an ear ripping screech, tumbling further down, yet regained itself and snapped the two warriors off. It started to sweep along, burning, clawing, and sweeping Gorons into its salivating mouth.
"Do I have to?"
Deku smacked her sharply on the back of the head.
"Of course. You're the Hero...you know what I mean. I'd leave the backpack here."
"Coward," she hissed, dumping it.
She unsheathed her sword and made a mental note to shit in her pants when she had the time. Before she could even think about it, she ran and jumped.
The dragon flew and writhed below. Why couldn't it hold still for five seconds? She adjusted her trajectory.
Something was on its back. She'd missed it before because of its relative small size and same black colour. Whatever it was, she was heading straight for it.
She landed and instantly started grappling around for something to grab onto to stop herself rolling straight off. Her hands wrapped around a heavily armoured arm. She met eyes for a moment with pure evil, balls of burning fire staring out of a bleached skull. Only for a moment though before a deeply ingrained, hero instinct made her kick the thing off.
That left her in full control of an irritable, teenage, mountain dragon. Pulling herself up onto where its previous rider had sat, she grabbed the reins and tugged hard.
The dragon slewed violently to the left. With an almightily donk, the head smashed into the wall and scraped along it, horns gouging and ripping through the stone. One broke off. The other was knocked crooked.
Aggravated by the pain, it started a set of quite breathtaking spirals. Unfortunately this hadn't taken really taken care of the major problem and the in-flight meals kept on coming. Cut off screams filled the chamber.
"Women drivers, eh?" Deku grinned from the top level. Navi gave him a smack.
Link clung on for dear life as the monster bucked and writhed and tried its best to remove her. With all the strength she wasn't using on the reigns, she used to bring the sword down on the thing's neck. There was a shower of sparks and the blade recoiled, spiralling from her hand and stabbing a Goron far below.
"Shit. Fecking bloody arse damn poo."
She was completely out of ideas. She was out of weapons too, which was even worse.
Unless...
She pulled herself further up the body until she was straddling the neck. The crooked horn before her was hanging loose, flapping about on the few last strands of sinew. Link reached out, grabbed it, and twisted it off. Then she smashed it into its eye. Then she hit it in a few times more.
The dragon went limp. It coasted along for a few metres, but then dropped straight down. A crunch, like a really big cockroach being flattened, followed.
"I've got to admit you've got a lot of balls, Link."
"Shut up, Deku," Link snapped.
"You've really got spunk, kid," Deku continued.
"That's disgusting," Navi admonished.
"If you ever want to straddle any other wild beasts feel free to drop in," said Darunia, and went down in history as the wittiest Goron ever.
"Aren't you at all sad that your species is dead?"
From within the dragon, a muffled voice said, "actually, we aint dead."
"Yeah," said another. "Quite nice really. This acid's gettin' the top layers of me skin off a treat."
A Goron walked up to Link with a sword through its stomach. "Your sword?"
"Thanks," said Link, taking it back.
"We'd like our ruby now, please," Deku asked.
"Oh, of course." With a flash of red light, the Ruby appeared in Darunia's outstretched palm.
"Thanks," said Deku. "Two down, one to go."
"Now let's get the hell out of here."
"I HATE THIS GODESSDAMN PLACE!" Link yelled as she stepped onto the final floor.
"I beg your pardon, ma'am?"
"Eh?"
She flicked her ears, testingly. The banging had stopped, though there was still a great deal of ringing going on. Staring upwards, she could see the Gorons still smashing away with as much delirious umth as they had before. But the hammer blows were rebounding from the walls in silence.
"I'm deaf," Link gasped.
"No no, madam. A common mistake."
She blinked and looked down. There was a Goron in a suit. A neat, black toupee rolled around on its hard, bald head and a neat, black handle bar moustache took pride of place over the rest of the head. She was getting a distinct butlerish feel from it.
It gave a sweeping bow. "Welcome to the Royal Depths."
"Eh?"
Like the other floors, it was very big. But the walls were smooth, the floor flat, and rich tapestries bestowed the walls. All of this was covered in a thick layer of fine rock powder that rained down from above. A tiny Goron was running up and down, collecting this dust off the floor with its hands, and placing it in a small urn that I guessed was a crude likeness of a Goron. Very crude.
Gradually, the ringing subsided. I became aware of two noises and one no noise. An orchestra playing soothing music nearby and something crying behind the curtained off area at the other end were the noises.
The no noise came from an ugly, ancient, and withered Goron that sat in the very centre. Its eyes, hidden by a thin mane of snow white hair, were staring directly upwards. There was a tiny hammer in its hand which it was hitting against an anvil so fast that its arm was a blur. Yet, like the hammer blows on all five floors above, no noise came from it.
"Grandpapy Goron," the butler Goron explained, following my gaze. "He beats the anvil for every beat of the hammers above, thus canceling each other out and allowing the royal family to live in perpetual silence."
"Oh," Link said.
"It's all to do with waves you see," Butler explained further.
"Oh," Link said.
"Err, its magic."
"Ah," Link said.
"I assume you've come to see Darunia?"
"No, the King."
"This way please. And, may I say, you're looking radiant today? Very perky and established."
"Err, thank you."
The tiny butler led her across the floor, past the aged thing, through the gently falling mist, up to the velvet curtain.
"I'm afraid Darunia isn't feeling his best." He turned to the curtain, saying: "Sire? Sire? We have a guest."
"Tell her to go away!"
"That would hardly be polite, Sire."
"I don't care! Tell him to get lost!"
Butler shrugged. "Just go in."
Tentatively, Link drew back the curtain and slipped inside.
"I THOUGHT I SAID........oh."
There was something about that 'oh' that disturbed her.
An enormous landform/ Goron propped itself up on the hundreds of velvet cushions crushed beneath it. Tombstone teeth formed what it probably thought was an inviting grin. It lifted a massive arm to wipe away the tears that coursed down its face like a river down a mountain.
"Excuse me, m'lady," it apologised in quite regal tones. "I am hardly in a fit state to see you."
He held out a hand. Link went to shake it, but found it gripped strongly but gently and being brought towards its gaping mouth. She snatched it back. He didn't even notice, kissing his own hand whilst staring intently at her face.
"What is it you desire?"
"The Goron Ruby," Link said flatly.
"We shall walk as we talk. BUTLER! Get my best cloak!"
"Of course he didn't know that it was his wife," Darunia boomed, laughing.
They'd walked their way back to the highest level, and Link had long since given up saying 'hmmm', 'that's interesting', 'how funny', and 'you're a very entertaining man'. This was partly because the King couldn't hear a single word she said, but it was mainly because they were all lies.
"That's the end of the tour. I'll show you the guys." Like they hadn't been walking past them for the last hour.
He pounded his expansive chest a few times, opened his mouth, and roared a single blast of noise that spread out in a visible wave of air. It is the single trait needed to become King of the Gorons. Each and every Goron stopped at the sound and turned.
"Hi guys."
"HI, KINGEY," the crowd, as a Goron, roared.
"We have a guest today."
He patted Link on the back, effectively throwing her to the edge of the ledge, in full view of everyone.
The hellos, 'oooh's, 'ahhh's, 'nice breasts's, 'those are very nice breasts's, and 'can I touch them?'s all merged into a massive wall of sound, smashing her backwards again. Darunia caught her in a protective hand.
"What d'ya say, guys? Shall we give her our sacred stone?"
"YEAH!"
"That's it then. You can have it."
"But you don't even know anything about me?"
A Goron was running down the tunnel connecting the cavern to the outside world, screaming.
"You look trustworthy to me," Darunia laughed, smashing her on the back again.
The Goron stumbled to a halt at Darunia's feet.
"It's breakin' through the outer defences, cap'n," it yelled.
"'Course, if I didn't like you so much I'd probably send you on a suicide mission into a recently besieged Cavern, but-"
"We canna hold it. It's too strong."
"But one so fair and-." He was trying his best to ignore the little mite running about his legs, even attempting to smush it with his feet.
Twelve and a half Gorons were pounding down the tunnel, screaming a single word that finally got through to him and every single Goron in the room.
"Dragon!"
The roof then chose its moment to cave in.
With a deep boom, the roof sagged like tarpaulin beneath water. A chunk the size of a small house came away, tumbled down through the levels, and crushed a fair number of Gorons. It was half a minute before any of them thought to say oww.
A gaping, toothy mouth in an ugly head at the end of a long, serpentine neck appeared at the hole. It roared, spraying burning spit everywhere. Two claws started to tear the hole larger.
The Gorons had gone insane, screaming and running round in small circles and accidentally falling off the edge. Darunia stood among them, calm as a boulder, roaring orders at the top of his lungs. A few were actually responding, such was the power of his voice.
Team Suicide consisted of the biggest and stupidest Gorons. It worked by them being too slow to realise the sheer stupidity of what they were doing. They wielded massive hammers.
Team Unnecessary Massacre was everybody else and aimed to give the attacking Dragon a deadly case of indigestion.
The hole was large enough, and the whole scaly body slid through. It dropped, wings unfolding like leather umbrellas. It must've had a wing span of fifty metres. A wave of flame burst forth from its mouth, scorching a level and its occupants to cinders.
"Team Suicide, GO!"
The twenty brave and stupid souls jumped from the ledge and hurtled downwards, hammers raised. Only two managed to find their target, smashing into each wing with such force that they must've been broken. The beast gave an ear ripping screech, tumbling further down, yet regained itself and snapped the two warriors off. It started to sweep along, burning, clawing, and sweeping Gorons into its salivating mouth.
"Do I have to?"
Deku smacked her sharply on the back of the head.
"Of course. You're the Hero...you know what I mean. I'd leave the backpack here."
"Coward," she hissed, dumping it.
She unsheathed her sword and made a mental note to shit in her pants when she had the time. Before she could even think about it, she ran and jumped.
The dragon flew and writhed below. Why couldn't it hold still for five seconds? She adjusted her trajectory.
Something was on its back. She'd missed it before because of its relative small size and same black colour. Whatever it was, she was heading straight for it.
She landed and instantly started grappling around for something to grab onto to stop herself rolling straight off. Her hands wrapped around a heavily armoured arm. She met eyes for a moment with pure evil, balls of burning fire staring out of a bleached skull. Only for a moment though before a deeply ingrained, hero instinct made her kick the thing off.
That left her in full control of an irritable, teenage, mountain dragon. Pulling herself up onto where its previous rider had sat, she grabbed the reins and tugged hard.
The dragon slewed violently to the left. With an almightily donk, the head smashed into the wall and scraped along it, horns gouging and ripping through the stone. One broke off. The other was knocked crooked.
Aggravated by the pain, it started a set of quite breathtaking spirals. Unfortunately this hadn't taken really taken care of the major problem and the in-flight meals kept on coming. Cut off screams filled the chamber.
"Women drivers, eh?" Deku grinned from the top level. Navi gave him a smack.
Link clung on for dear life as the monster bucked and writhed and tried its best to remove her. With all the strength she wasn't using on the reigns, she used to bring the sword down on the thing's neck. There was a shower of sparks and the blade recoiled, spiralling from her hand and stabbing a Goron far below.
"Shit. Fecking bloody arse damn poo."
She was completely out of ideas. She was out of weapons too, which was even worse.
Unless...
She pulled herself further up the body until she was straddling the neck. The crooked horn before her was hanging loose, flapping about on the few last strands of sinew. Link reached out, grabbed it, and twisted it off. Then she smashed it into its eye. Then she hit it in a few times more.
The dragon went limp. It coasted along for a few metres, but then dropped straight down. A crunch, like a really big cockroach being flattened, followed.
"I've got to admit you've got a lot of balls, Link."
"Shut up, Deku," Link snapped.
"You've really got spunk, kid," Deku continued.
"That's disgusting," Navi admonished.
"If you ever want to straddle any other wild beasts feel free to drop in," said Darunia, and went down in history as the wittiest Goron ever.
"Aren't you at all sad that your species is dead?"
From within the dragon, a muffled voice said, "actually, we aint dead."
"Yeah," said another. "Quite nice really. This acid's gettin' the top layers of me skin off a treat."
A Goron walked up to Link with a sword through its stomach. "Your sword?"
"Thanks," said Link, taking it back.
"We'd like our ruby now, please," Deku asked.
"Oh, of course." With a flash of red light, the Ruby appeared in Darunia's outstretched palm.
"Thanks," said Deku. "Two down, one to go."
"Now let's get the hell out of here."