Hey, guys! I know it's been a while, a loooong while since I updated the story. However, inspiration hit me again and now I'm determined to go through with this. This chapter is quite long but I really enjoyed writing it. It is the last chapter in Kate and Castle's alternative past, now I'm writing the first chapter in the present. Hope you like it. Read and review.
Ann.
"This is the best summer ever." Kate thought while walking by Castle's side along the shore of San Francisco bay. As she had no classes now, Kate started working more shifts in the café to get more money, even though they often argued with Castle about that – he always said that she didn't need to work that much as long as he had enough money, but Kate would never allow herself to live at a man's expense. Linda has left for Ibiza with her boyfriend for the summer and Kate had the flat all to herself, which she and Castle made extensive use of.
To say that Kate Beckett was happy would be an understatement – blissful, on cloud nine is a more accurate description of the way she felt. In her previous relationships she always used to be so rational, reasonable and never let her judgment and mind be clouded by her feelings. However, with Castle it was completely different – she followed her heart with no hesitation, enjoyed every second she spent with him, and they were together plenty of time, to be more precise – they spent every possible moment together and almost lived together. If someone had told her 3 months ago that she would fall so deeply for a man, she would have laughed in this person's face and said he was crazy. But now she didn't give a second thought to what her mind was telling her – that she should be careful and protect her heart, that things were going too fast with Rick, that this relationship wouldn't last. Kate was head over heels in love with Castle and even though they haven't said the three words yet, she knew it was too late to back off now.
"Kate, I forgot to tell you something." Castle said breaking Kate's train of thought.
"What is it?"
"Do you think you could take a vacation for a week starting this weekend?"
"Um, I don't know, I guess I could. Why?"
"I was invited to a live interview on one of the TV channels followed by a book signing."
"That's great. So?"
"The interview is in Miami. So I was wondering whether you'd like to go with me. The interview is on Saturday and the signing is on Monday morning. I thought it would be nice to spend some days on the beach, and maybe go to Orlando to Disneyland." Castle's eyes sparkled at the thought of the fun they can have in Disneyland and Kate laughed at his childish excitement.
"Sounds good. I'll talk to my boss."
"Yay!" Castle picked her up and spinned her around. "I hope she lets you go, because I already bought the tickets. Non-refundable."
"You did what?!" Kate pretended being angry. "What if I haven't agreed to go?"
"Well, I've been practicing my puppy-dog look a lot, in case you refused." He stared at Kate with the sweetest puppy-dog eyes. "It always works with you."
"I will never admit it." Kate said before capturing his lips in a kiss.
Kate's boss let her have the week off and before she knew it she was in a lavish hotel overlooking the ocean in Miami. Castle went to the studio for the interview and Kate turned the TV on to watch it. Seeing Rick on TV was weird – less than an hour ago he was here with her, kissing her, and now thousands of people all over the USA were waiting in front of the TV sets for the interview with the famous writer. The host was a long-legged blonde woman, beautiful but no different from hundreds of other women on TV and she was eyeing Castle with a predatory look in her eyes. Kate felt a pang of jealousy, but made a mental note to get used to such women. At first the host, Angela Clark, asked Rick a few questions about his books and details of the novel he was working on currently.
"Rick, your literary work is fascinating, but I think what is even more interesting for our female audience is your private life. Your history with the opposite sex is quite notorious. But recently no one has seen you with a woman. Could this mean there is someone in your life who you are hiding from everyone?"
"Well, I cannot dodge this question, can I?"
"No, you cannot."
"Alright then. Yes, there is someone in my life." Kate stiffened at his reply. She wasn't sure she wanted the whole world to know she was dating him, she hasn't even told her parents yet. "My daughter."
"Oh no, that won't work. We know about Alexis and you know that I wasn't asking about her." Angela insisted playfully.
"Fine. If you really want to know I admit: there is a woman in my life. She is the most exceptional and amazing woman I've ever met and I'm the luckiest man on Earth she has chosen someone like me." Angela opened her mouth to say something but Castle interrupted her. "I know what you are going to ask, but I will not tell you who she is. I'm a mystery writer after all, so let my private life also be a mystery."
The interview was over. Behind the scenes Angela tried to persuade Rick to tell her "confidentially" about the mysterious woman, but he only laughed it off. When he came back to the hotel, he was met by a beaming Kate there.
"So I'm exceptional and…what's word…amazing?" She said after a welcoming kiss.
"I don't remember saying that. There must be something wrong with the TV, you heard me wrong." Kate pursed her lips and smacked him on the chest only to make him laugh and kiss her tenderly.
"Kate, of course you are exceptional and amazing and irresistible." He kissed her again. "And I meant what I said on the interview – I AM the luckiest man in the universe cause you gave me a chance to be the man of your dreams. I don't know if I already became such a man, but I'm trying. And I know for sure that… I …I…" Castle stuttered and it dawned on Kate what exactly he was going say. Her heart leaped with pure joy but the next second fear overtook her – she wasn't ready to hear those words so she could think of nothing better than to kiss him passionately to make him forget what he wanted to say. When they broke apart gasping for air she quickly changed the subject.
"Let's go to the beach. I cannot keep watching the ocean and the sun only from the balcony, as divine as the view might be."
The week in Miami passed too quickly and in a blink of an eye they were back in San Francisco. They decided to spend the night in Kate's apartment and Castle fell asleep the second his head touched the pillow securely wrapping his arms around Kate. She, however, couldn't sleep. She was thinking about what Rick almost said to her back in the hotel after the interview. She was torn – on the one hand, nothing could make happier than she already was than hearing him say he loved her, but, on the other hand, she felt she couldn't say it back to him. Something was holding her back and it confused her. Maybe the reason was that she had never been in love and now she was just scared by the depth of her feelings.
Kate lost track of time when suddenly Castle stirred and woke up. She shut her eyes pretending to be asleep but almost gave herself away because of what happened next.
"Kate, you asleep?" She didn't answer and felt him watch her for a while before saying: "I love you, Kate, I love you." Rick kissed her cheek and drifted off to sleep. When Kate was sure he was sound asleep she let out the breath she was holding. Why, why, why did he have to say this? He was sure she didn't hear him, so there was no chance he was lying. But what if he says this straight to her face, what will she do? Not finding the answer to that question, she finally fell asleep.
In the morning when the couple woke up and Kate went to the kitchen to make breakfast, the doorbell rang. Seconds later Kate pounced into the room with panic written over her face.
"What's wrong?" Castle asked worriedly.
"My parents. I guess this is the payback for the surprise visit I paid them half a year ago."
"Oh." He didn't remember the last time he met his woman's parents and felt nervousness getting the better of him.
"I'm gonna meet them and you dress up and … ohhhh, I don't know."
"It's going to be fine, I'll do my best."
"Thank you." She pecked him on the lips and ran towards the front door. "Mom, Dad, what a surprise!"
"Katie, we missed you!" While they were hugging Rick stepped into the hall and cleared his throat and was met by questioning looks from Kate's parents.
"Mom, Dad, this is Richard. We are…dating."
"Nice to meet you, Mr and Mrs Beckett." Rick shook hands with them.
"We were going to have breakfast, come, join us." Kate showed the way to the kitchen and Castle helped her prepare the food.
Everything went quite fine. Of course Joanna and Jim bombarded Kate and Rick with typical parental question – How did they meet? How long have they been dating? What are their plans? And so on and so forth.
"I should probably go and give you some family time." Castle helped Kate with the dishes and was about to live. "But if you want to, we can meet in the evening and have a glass of wine. I know a few nice places, my treat."
"Well, we don't have any plans so yes, we accept." Jim said before bidding goodbye to him.
"You okay?" Castle asked Kate as she saw him out.
"Yes. They are a little watchful, but I think they like you."
"Everyone likes me." Castle grinned but Kate only rolled her eyes.
Rick stared at her intensely as if he was about to say something but changed his mind and simply cupped her face in his hands and kissed her goodbye. When he left, Kate came back to the kitchen.
"So what do you think?" She asked biting her lower lip.
"He is…quite charming." Jim and Joanna exchanged glances.
"Okay, what's wrong?" They were her parents after all, she could tell when something was off.
"Well…Katie, he really seems like a nice guy, but isn't he too old for you? He has a daughter and all that fame…this can be quite hard on you."
"Yeah, he is famous, so what? He is not singer, not an actor, he doesn't go on tours all over the world and he can work anywhere he wants to. And all my age mates are immature and stupid. And Rick...he…tonight he said he loved me." Kate confessed.
"Oh. And what about you?" Kate averted her gaze and thought for a moment.
"I love him."
"You don't seem too happy about it."
"Oh no, I am happy, I'm just…scared." She admitted and Joanna smiled at her.
"Oh, sweetie, it's alright to be scared when you are struck by such a strong feeling. And you are so in love with him, it's absolutely clear when you notice the way you look at him..."
"I am…but what should I do?"
"Sweetie, in such matters all advice is useless. If you are not ready yet, just wait. When the moment comes, you'll know it, trust me."
The rest of the weekend passed quickly and it was time for Kate's parents to leave. Castle drove them to the airport and they hugged Kate and Rick and left.
"I like your parents. I see now where your beauty and stubbornness and confidence come from." Rick said on their way to his house.
"They like you too."
"Really?"
"Yeah, they said they've never seen me so happy."
"I make you happy?" Rick asked.
"Yes, you do." Kate admitted honestly and Castle beamed at her.
"And I want you to be happy. You are safe with me."
Upon entering the house Castle wrapped his arms around Kate's waist and kissed her with all the passion and yet tenderness he felt.
"I've been dreaming of doing this the whole weekend." He whispered pressing his forehead against hers.
"Then why did you stop?" Kate said and tried to close the distance between their lips but Castle stopped her.
"Because I have something for you. Close your eyes." When she did as asked he led her to the living room. "Okay, you can open your eyes now."
Kate looked around the room and her jaw dropped. On every single surface of the room there were roses of every possible color one could imagine.
"Rick…this is…wow…you shouldn't have..."
"Wait, it's not only about the flowers." He motioned towards the coffee table. Kate approached it and saw a square-shaped Tiffany&Co box. Inside there was a delicate double chain silver infinity bracelet. For a moment, she just stood there gaping with the box in her hands.
"It's beautiful." She finally uttered looking at Castle who took the bracelet and clasped it around her left wrist but didn't let go of her hand. "Rick, thank you. I love it." She said never taking her eyes off the piece of jewelry.
"And I love YOU, Kate."
She abruptly lifted her head to look at him and met his hopeful gaze. She swallowed nervously and realized she stopped breathing the second he uttered those words that she feared. But now even though she still couldn't say them back, she felt her fear subside and being replaced by warmth and happiness flooding though her body and a beaming smile spreading across her lips. This was incentive enough for Castle to place one hand on the back of her neck and the other on her waist pulling Kate closer. He leaned in a little and never breaking the eye-contact said again: "I love you, Kate." Having said that, Castle captured her lips in an affectionate and fervent kiss and then picked her up to bring her up to his bedroom...
Fortunately for Kate, Rick didn't ask her to speak about her feelings for him, and their relationship was flourishing. Kate never thought just a simple touch, a kiss on the back of her hand, a strong embrace could send a warm wave through her body and make her breath hitch. And this was exactly what Castle was doing to her. It seemed so natural, so right to simply nuzzle up against him at night, kiss him when he least expected it, or to wear his T-shirts. She even took one of his T-shirts to her apartment, even though Rick mockingly protested, saying that it was his favorite one. A few weeks later Alexis and Meredith returned from Barcelona and Meredith left as soon as Castle met them at the airport. Kate was nervous about meeting Rick's daughter, but the girl seemed to like her at first sight. Soon she had the chance to meet Martha, Castle's mother, who was an extraordinary woman and who immediately was charmed by Kate and even jokingly threatened Castle that if he messed up and lost Kate she would never speak to him again.
But it is true that happiness cannot last forever and on an August evening Kate Beckett was brought from her bliss back to reality. That evening was the beginning of her whole world crumbling down.
Martha has left with Alexis to New York to show her the revival of some famous play on Broadway and Kate and Rick stayed in San Francisco to enjoy their time alone. They were snuggling on the couch in Kate's apartment when suddenly her phone rang. It was 11 p.m. and she was surprised someone was calling at such a late hour.
"Beckett." She reached for the phone and answered without leaving Castle's warm embrace. "Maddie, hi! How are... Wait. What? What?!" In an instant Kate abruptly stood up and gripped the nearest chair back. The smile on her face was replaced by a most crestfallen look and Castle realized something awful had happened. "When? Yes, I'll be right there." Kate hang up and closed her eyes.
"Kate...what happened?" Castle was worried.
"Linda..." Kate looked at him and her eyes glistened with tears. "She and Keith, her boyfriend...there was a car accident. He's in hospital, and she...is dead." She couldn't hold back the tears anymore. Castle wrapped his arms around Kate and she broke down – she gripped his shirt and started sobbing uncontrollably. He didn't know what to say, and anyway in such matters hardly any words could be a consolation, so he was just stroking her back soothingly, even though his heart was breaking at the sight of Kate's sufferings.
Kate was inconsolable – Linda was her best friend since junior high school. Of course her sorrow was nothing compared to the pain Linda's parents and relatives felt, but still she grieved deeply. Castle tried cheering her up and taking her mind off this sorrowful event, and Kate was grateful he was by her side. She just let him comfort her, hold her and she felt like he was her rock so she clung on to him so as not to drown in her misery. One night Kate was lying in Rick's embrace facing him and tracing his jawline with her fingertips.
"Thank you." She said breaking the silence.
"What for?"
"For being here for me."
"Always."
Kate contemplated telling him right there and then that she loved him, but decided against it realizing she is was not the right time, so she just kissed him.
Summer soon came to an end and Kate's classes were about to begin. On the last day of vacation Castle surprised her with taking her to a balloon ride over Napa Valley. Kate had never watched the incredible scenery from such an angle and Rick was happy so see all traces of worry and grieve wiped from her face. He embraced her from behind crossing his arms over her belly and she instantly leaned back to be closer to him.
"Rick, thank you so much. This is amazing." She smiled and turned her head towards him a little.
"Always."
"This "always" is kinda "our" word, isn't it?"
"It is." Rick said and kissed her cheek letting his lips linger there for a while. "I love you, Kate."
Like many times before she didn't reply and simply smiled and snuggled closer to him. Castle only gave out an almost inaudible frustrated sigh.
Classes began and Kate finally had something to distract her from the thoughts about her feelings for Castle. He, however, grew more and more worried each day. He loved her, he really meant it, but it troubled him that she wasn't saying it back. Every time he told her he loved her, she would just smile, or kiss him, and even though her eyes were gleaming and her actions spoke louder than words, he still longed to hear "I love you" from her. She was holding back and Castle couldn't understand why.
"Kate, can I ask you something?" He said one day in the middle of September.
"Yeah, sure."
"You know, that I love you, don't you?"
"Yes, I know." She stiffened because this was the topic she has been avoiding till now.
"And what is that you feel for me?" He asked straight on.
"I...am happy with you."
"That's a broad definition..."
"I..." She pondered on her answer. "Rick, I miss you every second I'm not with you. I cannot sleep without your arms around me. Only you can piss me off and then make me laugh in just a few seconds. You make me go weak at the knees and this is something I cannot control and you know how much I love to plan and control everything. And I like that, you make me become the person, the woman I want to be. You once said you wanted to be the man of my dreams. You are not what I've dreamt of, you are my reality, and this reality is even better than any of my dreams."
Even though she didn't say what Castle craved to hear, this was a start and he didn't pressure her any longer. This was enough, for now.
But days went on and nothing changed. Several times he tried to talk her into confessing her feelings, but always got the same vague answer. Finally he couldn't take this anymore, he was silently suffering from the fact that something was making her hold back even though he had laid his love and his feelings at her feet.
"Katie, I cannot take it anymore." He told her one evening when they were having supper at her apartment.
"What? You don't like the shrimps or the gravy?" She asked but she had a gut feeling he didn't mean her cooking.
"It's not the food I'm talking about. I'm talking about us."
"What do you mean?" She asked nonchalantly, though her heart sank.
"Kate, we've been together for four months and I still have to guess what it is that you feel for me."
"But I told you I'm..."
"Yeah, I know you're happy, you miss me, but... I think you realize this is not the answer I want to hear." He let the meaning of that to sink in on her and then continued. "I love you and you know it and I will never tire of saying that. I want to know that you feel the same about me, I can only guess by the way you act, and I think you do feel the same, but I still want you to say it, and I don't think there's anything that could make me happier than to hear those words from you." He looked at her pleadingly and she averted her gaze.
"Castle, I..." She stood up but didn't dare look at him.
"Kate, why can't you say it? Why are you holding back?" He crossed the distance between them and lifted her chin up so she would face him.
"Rick, please, can't you just drop it for now?"
"No. I've been dropping it far too many times before. Please, say something."
"Rick..." Meeting his loving gaze she almost gave up. Almost. "I cannot say what you want to hear. Not yet." The tender look in his eyes was replaced by a defeated one and he let go of her chin. He was silent for a while.
"Oh." He finally said and looked her in the eyes. Kate saw hurt there and she felt her eyes prickle with tears. "Well, then, you know where to find me when you make up your mind."
Without another look at her, he simply walked away leaving Kate rooted to the spot with her lips forming a "W" as if to ask "What?!" And then it hit her – he really left. He didn't just leave for a few hours to return with a pizza or something. He left and she didn't know when he will come back or whether he will come back at all. And it was her fault. But he was right – he bared his soul to her, and she just took it for granted without giving him something back. She wanted to run after him, to call him, but she knew that if she wanted to have him back, she'd have to find the courage to tell him she loved him. And courage was something she didn't have right now. She could just stay there blaming herself with tears of hurt and despair trickling down her cheeks. Even though she knew she was the one to blame, she was a woman, and she had pride and self-esteem and she would not immediately run to him, she had to think everything over with a clear head.
A few days passed. Castle didn't call nor came by. Kate was sleeping badly without him, she missed him like hell, and all of a sudden she realized that she had made up her mind. She loved him and wanted to be with him, screw the fear and uncertainty, she will tell him the truth. The second she decided on that, she felt a weight taken off her shoulders. It all seemed so clear now and everything came down to one simple fact – she loved him and that was all that mattered. It was almost 2 a.m. on Sunday night and there were classes on Monday but Kate didn't want to waste another second without Rick. In a half an hour she was at his doorstep. The lights in the house were on which meant he was up and probably working. With one last resolute sigh she pressed the doorbell. A minute later which seemed like an eternity for Kate the door opened.
"Kate?" Castle opened the door and Kate took in his appearance – his shirt was unbuttoned and his hair was a mess, as if he had just got off the bed, but she just shrugged it off.
"Rick, I..." She went on, but a smell hit her nose. It reeked of alcohol and she saw that Castle was drunk. They drank wine or champagne from time to time, but it never got out of hand. Still she continued. "Rick, you told me to come to you when I've made up my mind. So..." Ignoring the smell of alcohol she was about to tell him what she planned to say when suddenly a voice came from the living room. A female voice.
"Ricky, where are you?" And then a woman came into view – blond, model-type and almost...naked. Then she spotted Kate "Oh, hello."
Everything after that was happening in slow motion for Kate. The woman snaked her hand around Rick's arm. He was at a loss of what to say and Kate just looked at the two of them and suddenly she grasped what was happening. The realization hit her hard. She felt like she had fallen from a tree, flat on her back and there was that sickening interval before breath came back into her body. Now, as she looked at Castle and that woman she was breathless, stunned, nauseated. Kate took a step back and as soon as she was able to breathe she turned away and broke into a run ignoring Rick yelling "Kate, wait!" and running after her. However, he couldn't catch up with her – she was way ahead of him, he was still drunk and she was running very fast, whipped up by the agony and pain. She ran and ran until her lungs started to hurt. Kate stopped abruptly and doubled up to catch her breath. When she straightened up there were tears streaming down her face and she held a hand to her mouth to muffle a sob. Slowly Kate walked towards her house. Once she was in her apartment and closed the door she slid down to the floor. "Noooooo!" she cried out and it echoed in the empty flat. And then she broke down. She didn't even try to control the sobbing and tears, just wishing that the stabbing pain at her heart would pass.
Kate didn't know how long she had been crying but somehow she managed to reach the couch and fell asleep. When she woke up it was just about time for her to get up for the classes. Her head was throbbing and her eyes were puffed but aside from that she felt nothing. Simply nothing. No pain, no hurt, nothing. Just emptiness and hopelessness. Like there was a giant black hole that had consumed her very being. She ignored the missed calls and messages on her cell, and went straight to Stanford.
When the classes were over, Kate exited the building and walked to her motorcycle. She was so deep in her thoughts, or whatever was going on in her head, that she saw Castle standing by her bike only when she was a few inches from him. Almost bumping into him brought her back to reality and she took a few steps back to put distance between them.
"What are you doing here, Castle?"
"Kate, you wouldn't return my calls, I need to..."
"Stop." She interrupted him. "Just stop. I don't wanna hear anything you have to say." She stepped around him to her motorcycle.
"Kate, listen. I..."
"No. I won't listen. Please, leave." She sat on her bike and turned to him for one last glance. He'd expected her to yell at him, to slap him, to curse him and accuse him, but not that blank and empty stare that tore his heart apart.
"Wait. I was drunk, I ... nothing happened yesterday". He put his hand on hers but she shook it off.
"Tell me nothing would have happened if I hadn't come up." She felt hurt creeping up to her heart again.
"I'm an idiot. But I love you. And..." This was the last straw for Kate's composure.
"Don't you dare say that! You don't love me! You don't know what love is. If you loved me, you'd never..." She couldn't continue and a sob escaped her mouth. She gulped and brushed off the tear that slid down her cheek. "It doesn't matter now. I don't want to see you ever again. We're over. " She hit the throttle pedal and drove away leaving Castle in a cloud of exhaust fumes from her vehicle.
Kate Beckett never thought a broken heart would hurt like that, but then again, she had never been in love. She missed Castle, she loved him, she blamed him and she couldn't get him out of her head. Everything reminded her of him – not only her apartment where they had spent so much time together, but also the city: the cafes where they used to go, the seashore, the Central park...
It's been a few weeks since that unfortunate night and Kate was at home blankly starring at nothing in particular when she heard a knock on the door. Opening it, she saw Martha, Castle's mother.
"Martha?"
"Hello, Kate, dear!" She hugged Kate.
"Come on in. Um, you want something – tea, coffee?"
"Tea sounds good."
"OK. Make yourself comfortable." She motioned to the couch and went to make tea. "So, what brings you here? I'm genuinely surprised to see you." She said returning with two cups of tea and a plate with cupcakes.
"I just came by to see you. I miss your company."
"I miss it to, but I assume you know that..." Kate said referring to the breakup.
"Yes, I know. How are you doing?"
"I am miserable." She admitted. "I miss him every second of every day."
"Oh, honey, I'm so sorry!" Martha opened out her arms and Kate flew into the much needed comforting embrace and let go of her pent-up emotions and tears. "Sweetheart, my heart breaks for you."
"Why, Martha, why does it hurt so bad?" Kate sobbed out.
"My dear, because you are in love. Only a blind man can't see it."
"I don't want it. I don't want that love, that pain."
"No, no, don't say it. Most people search for love all their lives and never find it, but you, my dear, are one of the few and lucky ones who were blessed to experience this exquisite feeling. Unfortunately, no one and nothing can protect you from the pain love can cause. Love is pain, but it is worth it."
"Martha, I love him so much and he... he just ripped my heart out." Kate looked up at her friend and Martha's eyes filled with tears at the hurt and excruciating pain she saw in Kate's eyes.
"Katie, I wish I could take away your pain but in such matters only time will help the wound heal up." They talked a little more and when Kate calmed down a bit she decided to ask what she wanted to know.
"Martha, and...how's he?"
"Oh well, he's blaming himself, working a lot, suffering. But he deserves it." Martha said sternly and Kate even smiled. "Men are egocentric and they don't love the way we do. They love to be happy, we love to give happiness. I love my son and yet I cannot but admit that what it true of most men is double so of him. However, this time I thought and I hoped it would be different. The way he looked at you, the way he acted around you...he loves you, Kate, don't doubt it. I've never seen him this overjoyed as when he was with you and I don't think he will ever be happy with any other woman. But like I said, what is true of most men is double so of him. I care for him, but he is the one to blame for this. And this is sad. But it's you I'm worried about."
"Thank you so much. I'll be fine. Eventually. I hope." She said with a not so reassuring tone.
"Honey, you can call me anytime you need to talk to someone or to get a drink." Martha said and left.
Getting over Castle was hard and not very efficient, but a few months later something happened that made Kate forget about her painful breakup and turned her life upside down. Her mother was murdered.
So, what do you think? :) Review, please.