Disclaimer: I do not own the Super Smash Bros. series.
"Oh...my god...Captain Falcon...your face..."
Just seeing the face that had been hidden underneath Captain Falcon's mask made Link almost think he was deep in combat with a movie star. The captain had short, messy raven-black hair, handsome emerald-green eyes, and a small scar running vertically alongside his left pupil. His jawline was fair, and he didn't have any wrinkles or black lines under his eyes. In fact, he looked a tad similar to a very young George Clooney, but not really. Samus, who was just about to land the finishing strike upon Kirby, glanced over at her teammate, and she immediately found herself mesmerized by his attractive appearance. None of them had expected this in the slightest.
'My god...he's better-looking than Edward Cullen...!' Kirby thought in horror.
'Edward Cullen was hideous, you know...' Samus thought in response.
'Yeah, I know...' Kirby thought, and then gasped, 'YOU CAN READ MY THOUGHTS?!!'
"Hmph...you are quite the scallywag..." Captain Falcon murmured.
Link's eyes bulged wide. "S...Scallywag?"
"That is why I must..."
"Huh?"
"...I WILL DEVOUR YOU WITH MY FIIIIAH!"
"OH SHI-"
Captain Falcon raised both hands high into the air, and his entire body became engulfed in a burst of flames. The symbol of the falcon appeared in his right eye, glowing bright yellow. For a moment, there was silence. Then, Link felt an immense pain rise up from below. He looked down to see that his legs were on fire.
"W-WAAAAAAAGH!!" Link cursed himself for not having held onto that bottle of milk his younger self was always carrying around.
This time, Pikachu finally found the chance to jump in and do something. "PIIIIIIKAAA!!!" The tiny yellow rat spun in midair as he fired off a powerful blast of electricity at Captain Falcon. All it took was a single swipe of the arm by the mighty F-Zero pilot to reflect the blast, sending it flying off into the distance. Pikachu gaped in disbelief, and then his tail spontaneously became inflamed.
"Oh dear...I just remembered...Falcon's helmet keeps his true Falcon Power in check..." Samus cringed.
Kirby cocked an eyebrow. "...Falcon Power, huh?"
"Yes...it is the almighty flames of manliness that have accumulated within Captain Falcon's soul over the past 20 years of his life..."
"Oh...fuck."
"Yes. Not even I can stop him now."
"Maybe if you satisfied him sexually, he'll run out of energy and return to normal-"
Samus shot Kirby in the face again. "HELL NO."
"You could satisfy me sexually, if you want-"
"FUCK NO!! Besides, you don't even have a dick!"
"Phooey...and yeah, you're right...I try not to think about it sometimes, but...sob..."
Suddenly, Samus shuddered violently, and collapsed onto her side, revealing Captain Falcon to be standing behind her. Kirby shrieked like the pathetic little pussy he was.
"DIE!" Captain Falcon reached down to grab Kirby, most likely to burn his skin off. He immediately drew back when an arrow lodged itself deep into his shoulder, however. Link and Pikachu were still up, and able to fight. There were dark burn marks where the fires had once been on their bodies. Kirby wanted to weep with joy.
"Hey, bastard, if you want to kill Kirby, then you gotta wait in line! We were first!" Link exclaimed.
"Yeah!" Pikachu agreed.
'THEY WANT TO KILL ME?!' Kirby pondered, somewhat amazed although he felt like he had always suspected it.
Captain Falcon roared like a wild beast, and fired a giant orb of fire at the two Smashers. Whereas Pikachu started running off to the right, Link remained rooted to the spot, and raised his sword high over his head. The ball of flames drew closer...and closer...and then Link brought his sword down. The flames dissipated the moment his sword touched them.
"It's time...to get serious!"
"...DRAMATIC PAUSE?!"
"You better bet your gumdrops it is!"
"Oh snap!"