So I suppose everyone should be used to my slow updates by now. I didn't say you have to like it, it's just kind of something to expect. Have I at least done my part in assuring you there will be eventual updates? Even if they are painfully slow. I hope so. I also noticed I kinda got lazy with review replies last time. Whoops! So sorry if I didn't get a reply to you. I read and appreciated them all though. Anyway, I don't have much to say this time around so here's the next chapter. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, blah, blah, blah.

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Sunlight poured through the window onto Edward's bed. He blinked his eyes slowly open but didn't bother to sit up. Frowning at the accursed light, he pulled the covers up over his head. He knew it was probably already late morning, but he didn't care. He was exhausted. Dinner hadn't been the most pleasant of events. At least, in his mind, it hadn't.

He absentmindedly pulled on the long sleeve of his pajama shirt like he'd done so often at dinner. Realizing what he was doing, he shifted under the blanket to get a better look and slid the soft sleeve up his arm. Two cuts, one short, one long, one hesitant, one sure, greeted him. He'd managed to stop himself from doing more, but these two were still there. He hadn't dreamed it.

The previous night, he'd felt some guilt about it. Guilt that he could be so weak as to need this sort of superficial comfort while Gracia and Hughes were so strong. Strong enough to care not only for their own daughter, but now Ed's. And, Edward thought with a slight smirk, the daughter's weak and pathetic excuse for a father. And they didn't have to. They could have left him on the streets or sent him back to Pinako, but they didn't. They gave him their home, and he couldn't even give anything in return.

But now, he felt a certain emptiness, and maybe even, dare he think it, a calmness. Calm like he hadn't felt in so many months. Perhaps accepting that he was weak was all he needed to do. Giving into the guilty desire was something to set his mind at ease. Maybe it wasn't right, and certainly Hughes would punch him in the gut if he found out, but it was a comfort he wasn't willing to give up. To ignore the desire would be to ignore the chance at calm. It was, in the simplest of terms, an outlet for all of his fears and stress, and he needed it.

Ed stayed in his room for as long as he thought he could get away with it. He knew Gracia would let him sleep. He was tired after all. His day with Alia had been stressful. At least, that's how the exchange would go on the surface, but deep down, Edward knew. He knew the only reason Gracia wouldn't bother to wake him up is that she was tired of him. She didn't want him in the way. He was just a nuisance, a bother, a pest. Leeching off her home and family. That must be it. She didn't care at all. She-

"Ed, are you alright? It's almost noon. I've got lunch on the table. Come eat something."

"I'll be out in a minute," Ed called to the door. He heard the soft footsteps lead away and sighed. "Idiot. Of course she cares."

He glanced at the spot where the crib had previously sat. Gracia had come in and moved it herself to her own room so that Edward could get some sleep. She had asked him several times during dinner if he was feeling alright. He'd finally stopped the questions by stating that he had a bit of a headache. It wasn't a lie. He did have a headache. It just wasn't the whole truth.

Shaking his head, he rolled over and then off the bed. After quickly dressing, he checked multiple times that everything looked normal. No, he didn't feel bad about hurting himself, he actually felt quite good about it, like it somehow made him stronger, but he knew he'd never live it down if anyone else found out. He wasn't about to let that happen. If someone else found out, they'd take his calmness away.

"Good afternoon, sleepy-head," Gracia greeted him, and he sat down at the table. His stomach growled in response. Gracia chuckled. "Dig in."

"After lunch, will you play with me?" Elysia asked.

It took a moment for Ed to realize the question was directed at him. He glanced at Gracia, almost as if he was checking if it was alright to leave her alone with Alia. She smiled.

"Yeah, I guess so," Edward responded before stuffing a large piece of broccoli in his mouth. "What'd you have in mind?"

"Don't talk with your mouth full," Gracia scolded.

"I got a new puzzle!"

"Sounds fun," Edward said with a big smile after he'd swallowed his food. "Betcha I can solve more of it than you can!"

"Nuh-uh!"

Gracia's look of worry did not escape Ed's view. Why should she be worried? Didn't they want Ed to be happy? So what if it happened a little fast, he was happy, right?

"You two have fun," Gracia said once lunch was finished, and the two were headed for the stairs.

"We will!" they answered.

Gracia stared after them for a moment. Something wasn't right.

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"It's between the sky and ground so it should have blue and green on it, right?" Edward asked.

"Yeah," Elysia said thoughtfully as she glanced over the remaining pieces.

It amused Ed how difficult the simplistic puzzle of a horse in a field was to the four-year-old. It only had fifty pieces, which, Ed supposed, was quite a lot for a child's puzzle. But Elysia, smart as she was, had grown bored with the giant, simple-shaped pieces of puzzles for children her age. Ed wondered, as Elysia quickly found the correct piece, if Elysia was destined to grow up a genius.

Edward sat up stiffly. He'd been lying on his stomach for at least a few hours now, watching Elysia complete her multiple puzzles and occasionally placing a piece himself. He could smell dinner wafting up into the room. Steak and potatoes. One of his favorites.

"Elysia!" Hughes's voice boomed from below. "I'm home! Come look who I brought!"

"Daddy!" Elysia called as she quickly pushed herself off the floor, destroying a corner of the puzzle in the process.

Edward, not in a hurry to see who the guest was, took a moment to fix the destruction. He knew Elysia didn't care right now, but she'd be sad when she came back up later and saw the puzzle she'd worked so hard on in pieces. It was only after he was sure that everything was how it had been that he made his way downstairs…and immediately wished he hadn't.

Standing next to Hughes in the living room, talking to an excited Elysia, was Roy Mustang.

"How you been holding up, Ed?" Roy asked, obviously in a better mood than his previous visit. He ignored Ed's scowl.

"You know," Ed said turning toward his room, "I've decided I'm not hungry."

"Now, come on, Ed," Hughes said placing an arm around Edward's shoulder, "we've already let you skip too many meals as it is."

"After all the Hughes have done for you, you're not really going to waste such a fantastic meal, are you, Ed?" Roy chuckled.

Somewhere deep down, Edward knew Roy didn't mean anything by it. But it stung. A lot. The guilt came rushing back in one giant tidal wave.

He let himself be led to the table. Ignoring the conversation, he picked at his food.

How long did he plan on wasting the Hughes hospitality? He should be grateful. Grateful he had a place to stay. Grateful that they shared their food with him. Grateful that he had a place to sleep. Grateful that there was someone knowledgeable to care for Alia. He should be grateful for everything. But no, he was continuing to take and take and take without thanking them, without returning the favor, without caring. That wasn't how Equivalent Exchange worked! And it was all stupid Mustang's fault for making him realize! He needed his calm, and he needed it now.

But no, if he left now, he'd be showing his ingratitude once more. No, he had to stay until the end. He could have his calm then. It was his punishment. He would bear through it like they had with him. It was the simplest thing he could do.

But dinner seemed to drag on forever. The longer it lasted, the more fidgety he became, and he knew they noticed. But no one said anything. His mind was out of it. He never even noticed that Alia had been in the room the entire time until she started to hiccup. Guilt struck through his heart yet again when Gracia stopped eating to attend to the infant. It took all of his willpower to not run from the room right then.

The end of dinner did not come soon enough.

Edward used the last of his strength to gently shut his bedroom door. He locked it and ran to his desk. Grabbing the scissors, he did not hesitate. Once, twice, three times. The time for debate was over. He'd already done it once, and he'd probably do it again. An instant calm fell over him as he watched the blood run down his arm. It was wrong, it was abnormal, it was unhealthy, it was dangerous…

But he needed it.

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Well, that chapter was kind of paragraph heavy. Normally, I'm rather dialogue heavy but this is the deep, psychological, mind stuff. And now, confession time. I actually used to be a cutter myself so a lot of Ed's state of mind is pulled from personal experience. Which is also, honestly, one of the reason updates seem to come so slow. I have to be in the right frame of mind to avoid letting it affect me too deeply. So anyway, I hope you enjoyed it. I'm not gonna give a time that I plan on updating cuz every time I do, I end up never making it. But I reassure you once more that there will be an update eventually.

Until next time!

Equivalent Exchange: I write, you review.