BLOG FAIRY

Hide or seek

Hola,

If you've ever been insane or felt like you were going insane, then maybe you can understand how it feels. If not, then you can look forward to meeting this fate along with me. I can promise you… It's not pleasant.

I threw myself into the cab before ordering the driver in the direction of Arthur's flat. It was killing me…slowly leaking every drop of blood from my body. 'Very important'? What does that mean? Did it mean happiness? Would something amazing have happened? Did it mean fear? Was Lovino hurt? Oh god…

My brain fought against me. Every time I told myself it was that Lovino was fine, it would correct me with a new terrible ending. Had he gone down for a nap and not woken up? Had he slipped and formed a large crevice that leaked down his cranium and let his insides spill out?

I roughly dug the balls of my palms into my eye sockets and scrubbed at the thoughts. I told myself over and over to stop. I promised myself he was fine. The car ride could have not gone any slower. I used the time to float back on the memories of the little one tucked carefully into my arms.

When we pulled up, I shoved a wad of cash at the driver and fled up to the little apartment room (damn, they build building so tall these days). I ignored the slight burning in my legs caused by lack of exercise and banged my fist against his door the moment it came into sight. The scruffy blonde answered, sighing once he saw me. "Come in, come in." He stepped away from the entrance after seeing me serious scowl.

"What's wrong?" I asked, straight to the point. I was pretty worked up. My nervousness had never held me so captivated before. Normally, I could shoot up a bit of chatter or smile or joke but not today. No. Lovino was something completely different to me.

"Sit down?" He gestured to the pretty Ikea furniture that littered his abode. I shook my head and looked around for the boy. Arthur noticed this.

"Lovino is fine, he's sleeping." He told me, releasing pounds of stress. Suddenly, there was enough air in my chest to allow my heart to pump again. I lifted my lips into a smile and sighed before taking a seat on the couch, followed by Arthur.

"Okay, so what's 'very important'?" I asked. The probability that it was death or major injury had been greatly lessened. Of course, I held some resentment for the brit for not protect him like I could but I ignored that. I hate to be hateful.

"I…I can't do it anymore." He growled, rubbing little circles over the stress in his temples. "He's too much work. He refuses to listen me, he swears and breaks things, he won't talk to me, he screams in his sleep-"

"He what?" I leaned forward, giving my full attention to the man rather than the colorless house decorations.

"He dreams. He squirms and fights and screams. I can't wake him up…I tried once." He lifted his sleeve to reveal red scratches running up and down the length. "He had a panic attack."

Oh…my poor baby… I gulped solemnly. "What does he scream?"

"I can't make out a lot of it but he calls for you and someone named Feliciano." He explained. My breaths grew heavy. Perhaps my heart grew heavy and imposed on my lungs, which would explain the pain. Little Lovino…was hurting so much. More than I had seen and what's more, he called for me but I didn't come to save him. I had failed…

32. When you love somebody, guilt hurts a hell of a lot more.

"I want to see him." I announced. Surprisingly, Arthur rose and motioned for me to follow him so I did. We walked down the little hall and into the smallest bedroom. It was obviously a storage room that had been forced to convert to a bedroom with a bed shifted un against the wall.

The bed didn't worry me, it was the person on it. The person…who was so familiar but also not at all. It was snow white… so beautiful but dead with sleep. She…no, he… a boy? Such a soft face and such smooth skin. It took a few moments for me to realize who it reminded me of.

There was a little boy I knew once with pretty auburn locks and pudgy red cheeks and now that I looked at this boy… he had the same color hair and his cheek were the same airbrushed coral pink with the same squishy flesh. No… it could be…. Oh my god… Lovino?

33. Brace yourself. This will probably blow all the brains out of your head.

This creature… the most beautiful creature I had ever seen… was Lovino? No way. Lovino was a little toddler with bright, excited eyes who waddled around like a puppy but this… this was an elegant, young, angelic figure that I had never seen before. I looked around some more, trying to confirm my suspicions when I noticed a sheet wrapped around the figure, across it's waist and down under the bed. It was holding the figure down, restraining movement. I shot a scowl the way of the brit.

"It's to keep him from hurting himself when he dreams." He told me. While this was a perfectly good reason, I couldn't stand it. I hated to see the angel (that I suspected might be Lovino but the assumption seemed too far fetched to really be believed in) constrained like that. I walked up to him, regardless of if I was allowed to and bent down beside him.

"Lovino?" I cooed and gently wiped some hair out of his face. Oh my god… it was him. It was Lovino! My little baby! The one I had been missing, the one I remembered as a child! He was… absolutely gorgeous… How could that be true? How did any of this make sense? It didn't…

Lovino's face squished up, the way I remembered it squishing up. He whimpered lightly in his sleep. Stroked two fingers against his cheek, hoping to comfort him from whatever was paining him in his mind. I couldn't get over the strange attraction between us. I wanted to be near him, I wanted to hold him and brush his hair (all of which I had before but now it was different in some way).

He continued to silently cry and look uncomfortable so I acted on my instinct, untying the bondage and picking him up. Unfortunately, he was too big to be held like a koala bear so I held his little body like a princess, closely pressing him to my chest and bouncing him. Thankfully, his dream resided but so did his sleep. His soft, golden eyes lazily flickered open before resting them selves upon mine. He didn't seem to understand just what was happening until a few seconds later when his eyes widened and he quickly inspected me up and down.

"Antonio." He said, surprised. His voice had deepened from it's previous sweet childish tone.

"Hello again, Lovino." I greeted back, smiling down at the boy. I still didn't fully believe that the person was Lovino but it seemed more true by the second. A scowl suddenly dominated his face and he pursed his lips, making his pudgy cheeks more prominent. Yup. Definitely Lovino.

"What the hell are you doing here, idiot?" He growled. He had adopted a half-Spanish accent, It sort of sounded Italian to me.

34. Expect things to have changed quite a bit.

"Where'd you pick up such language?" I asked, taken a back but mostly just glad to have him in my arms again, even if I knew it wouldn't be lasting far too long. It was what I had needed so badly for the past three months. I saw Arthur's head drop in shame out of the corner of my eye. Of course, the brit must have dropped them some time and Lovino absorbed them like a sponge.

"I thought I said I didn't want to see you." Yet, he didn't struggle against my hold. I guess he had become immune after I did it to him every minute of everyday. My smile grew. I was so happy to see him again, even if he wasn't necessarily the same Lovino I had left.

"Why are you so cold? I thought you liked me." I whined and brought a flood of red upon the smaller one's face. Aww~

"I said I didn't want to see you! Leave!" He growled.

"When did you become so mean?"

"I didn't become anything! I didn't change! You did!"

"What? No I didn't. I'm the same. Look at you." I picked up a few loose strings of hair that badly needed to cut.

"Whatever. Go away." He looked away from me. "I was having myself a nice nap and you just come in here and fuck everything up."

I frowned. "Your nap didn't seem that nice. From what Arthur has told me, you've been having some really bad dreams."

"I'm fine."

"Lovino…I know you're not fine."

"How do you know anything? You don't know me."

"Yes, I do."

"No, you don't."

"Yes, I do."

"Do not."

"Do to."

"This is ridiculous!"

"No, you are~"

"Stop being so childish!"

"You are a child!"

"No, I am not! I am of twenty years in age!"

Okay, that caught me off guard. Twenty? No way… not my Lovino. "What?"

"One score. I researched myself. Twenty human years. Now, from what I understand, that makes me an adult." He clarified. That blew my mind. He couldn't be twenty! I, myself, was only twenty seven! I had peed in front of him! I had held him up while he peed! This was too much…nope…too much.

Mi Bambino was so big and so beautiful… and I was attracted. That was it… I was attracted! No…no no no no no no no no no! He was justa baby! He was a boy and a fairy none the less! No! I could not be attacked to him!

"You look sick." He noted, calming down from his bitterness. His little face looked curiously into mine, a delicate hand reached forward to brush fingertips against my face. That's when it happened.

Th-thump

No…no no no! This wasn't okay! Not at all! I could feel close like this to Lovino! That sickening beating shook my ribs like a song of marching troops.

Th-thump…Th-thump th-thump

I quickly sat him down as if he were diseased and backed up. He gave me a look of scared shock and then anger. "You are afraid of me, again!?" He demanded, gesturing with both hands toward himself. "I am a monster to you?" he spat, giving me a hard cold glare from the golden orbs that used to look to me for help.

I snapped it and turned sorrowful. "No! No, you're not! I just…I was surprised." I quickly defended. Still, when I looked at his face… I had never seen anything like it. Every feature was delicately pained on with such delicately chosen colors yet it was more beautiful than any master work I had seen at the Moma.

"Surprised by what?" he asked, offended.

That's when I got the best idea I ever had.

35. Ignore it. Brilliant.

So what if I was growing different feelings for him? If I didn't pay them any attention, if I pretended that everything were as it was before, then that problem would be solved! Repress it and it can't grow any stronger, right? Genius! I gave him a big smile and stepped closer again, ruffling his too long hair. "Nothing, Lovi~ I was just surprised by how big you've gotten. You need a haircut."

Lovino scoffed and shot a glare at the blonde we had been ignoring. "HE hid the scissors from me." The little one growled.

"He was going to stab someone!" The forgotten man interjected in protest. I chuckled. Good, ignore how cute his pissy mood was.

" Ah, I see. No problem. I know a place in New Jersey, real near by, that's got good prices. Wanna go? My treat." I offered, praying he would accept. I wanted to spend time with him… and break it to him that Arthur hated him.

"No…I don't mind my hair growing long." He wound a few pieces threw his fingers and ground the individual hairs between his fingers.

"I don't think you should stay." The brit answered.

"Why the fuck not!? Eyebrow bastard!" Arthur wouldn't answer that one, just looked away in a bit of shame but also anger.

"Oh…" Lovino suddenly realized what he meant. "Fine! Fine, I don't care! I hate you anyways!" He exclaimed, raising his voice.

"It's not like you can blame me! You're such a pain!" The blonde snarled back.

"Hey! That's enough, that enough." I stepped between the two, easing the tension. "Lovino… you should come live with me now. Get anything you need-"

"NO! I won't go with you!" He screeched and took a step away, a little bit of wetness accumulating under his eye. I know he wasn't exactly thrilled about it but I wasn't that bad, right?

"Lovino, it's okay. I wouldn't hurt you." I reassured him, in case that had been his uneasiness though I didn't know why it would be (I didn't seem to know a lot these days).

"I want to be alone." He didn't once take his eyes from me. This was something else entirely. Lovino was a very sensitive boy, something bigger was the cause of this.

"Lovi… what's actually wrong?" I urged and tried to inch closer. I had to be careful; Lovino could very easily go wild like an animal.

"What do you mean 'what's wrong'!? I'm perfectly fine! Don't I look fine!?" I gave a look to Arthur, silently asking his to give us the room. He understood and left, clicking the door closed behind him. I looked back to the fairy boy.

"Lovino…it's alright, tell me why you're afraid." I said softly, hoping not to puncture the high tension too deeply.

"I'm not afraid! Go away! I hate you!" He said. Okay, something had to be pretty bad. I knew Lovino enough to know he didn't mean it. I didn't let those last three words effect me as much as they wanted to.

"Are you afraid that I'll leave you?" From the expression on his face, I could tell that I had hit that nail right on the head. "You're afraid that I'll grow to dislike you?" I asked again.

I could tell he wanted to lie to me… he wanted to deny me the truth but deep down he was still my little cry baby who wanted to be held when he was sad. Droplets cascaded down his cheek and his lips struggled not to twist into a crooked sob. He granted me a tiny, almost un recognizable nod and I took that as my permission to hold him. I wrapped my arms gently around his frame but still firm enough to block out the fear. He gave into the warmth of comfort and fell weak against me. I picked him up, just as I did when he was a child.

36. He probably missed you just as much as you missed him.

"It's okay…I would never hate you." I told him, taking deep breaths in hopes that the rhythm might calm him. It had been too long…far too long. I had almost forgotten how nice it felt to calm him, to be needed.

"I like you…" He admitted in a tone that was pretty darn close to silent. "I won't live with you."

"It's okay. I would never feel any different about you." I eased again but he shook his head at me.

"It's part of the curse. I can never be loved. I'm just unlovable…" He told me and I smiled softly.

"Maybe I'm breaking your curse." I suggested, causing his eyes to widen. Maybe I was right, I could be. He was visible, he was loved… maybe I was a wizard! (Psh, I wasn't a wizard).

"But…you are of no magic.." I was so glad to hear his strange speech pattern again.

"I don't know about that. What if I am?"

"You're not." He reassured me, dead pan. I laughed and nodded.

"Okay, I'm not." I pressed my lips against his head and in returned he struggled away, blushing.

"You're not allowed to do that." He told me, displaying a small scowl.

"Why not? You didn't mind before."

"I mind now." My heart sunk a bit. I liked to kiss him and hold him…maybe things really had changed. I set him down.

"Haircut?" I quickly changed the topic. "Have you got things for us to get?" I searched around the make shift room for anything that appeared to be his belongings.

"I never said I was going to live with you." He corrected, crossing his arm.

"Let's do a night on the town then you can decide that."

"Do you mean night IN the town?"

"It's just a phrase. We'll go around the city and see what there is to see. Have some fun~" I smiled and began to shift around boxes of clutter.

"What is there to see?" There it was, Lovino's curious and childlike side that I had been trying to resurrect.

"We can go down time square, it looks real pretty in the rain." The weather had predicted downfall earlier and grey masses had already began to infect the world above so it seemed highly likely. "We can go to Soho. There's this nice tea store there that I really like."

"I hate tea." He crinkled up his face and bit at the end of his tongue. "And scones.".

"Oh you poor boy." I pat his head. I had a feeling that was all the brit could make. "We'll get real food." I offered.

"I've seen your house. How can you afford to eat out?" Was that a smile? Maybe just a little bit…

"I have money, I just don't use it." I reasoned and picked up the open box with a few folded linens tucked inside. "These are your clothes?"

"Yes, those are mine. I can't imagine your job can pay much more than the minimum for living here. Eyebrow bastard always complains about the high prices here."

"I have money in my bank. I wrote a computer software when I was younger and sold it as my pass to the big city. I can afford to splurge one night." Lovino fished his shoes out from under the bed and began to put them on. His feet had grown quite a bit, no way was I going to get those flip flops on him.

"Is that what you're going to school for? Making computer Soft-wear?" He was probably thinking that I sewed computer cozies all day.

"No, I'm going for graphic design." I told him as he stood up, stuffing his foot farther into the dress shoes that clearly weren't his and flipping hair out of his face.

"If that what you wanted to go for?" He tried to take the box from me but I refused.

"No, I wanted to be a firefighter." I didn't often share that. It was sort of a secret desire. I remember September 11, 2001. I was just feet away in a church when I heard the loudest boom of my life. The rest passed a little too fast for me to remember but I remember being hospitalized. I had dirtied lungs, second degree burns riding up my legs and on my hands. The people who came to visit either thanked me for my bravery or called me an idiot. I don't suggest running into a burning building with absolutely zero protection but for me, I had been waiting my whole life for that moment.

I snapped the thought away when I heard my name cried desperately. My attention was pulled to the little one who looked at me like my face was melting off. I could remember that too… so many people died, just vaporized by the-

"Antonio! Stop it!" The boy cried again, this time fully awakening me. "What's wrong?" His voice wavered with fear. I usually just repressed those thoughts since they seemed to hurt too much. I had battled them when training to fight fires but I ended up screaming or passing out in front of every one.

"I'm okay, I'm okay." I quickly excused and flashed a forced smile. He frowned (not scowled, frowned) at me.

"You're not okay." Darn it, he had learned from me. He wasn't going to let it go.

"I'm fine, promise. Just…bad thoughts." He considered my response, wondering if it was legitimate.

He suddenly started making this weird noise. "Fuu…so so so…"

"What are you doing?" I asked. He stopped and blushed deeply.

"I'm cheering you up!" He informed me, scowl returning.

"Why would that cheer me up?" I snorted a bit, shrugging and smiling at the adorable fairy.

37. He might have some screwed up ideas about humans.

"H-Humans like odd noise!" I walked closer and looked right into those fiery hazel eyes.

"And where'd you hear that?"

"The television! I watched the sit-koms." I laughed at him and pressed a quick kiss to his temple before walking out of the room.

"I said you can't do that!" He cried, flustered and angry.

"I can't help it~ You're too cute." I nodded to Arthur who was pretending to read instead of eaves dropping. Lovino stormed out too, following me.

"Bastard!" He growled as he hopped up to my side.

"Bye Atrie, thanks for…" I thought a bit. "Stuff." I finally answered, not wanting to think it over much longer. What I wanted was to have myself a date with Lovino (though I'd never tell myself that it was a date). Lovino poked his pink tongue out, past his lips and sneered at the man who reciprocated the action. The two just didn't like each other. I giggled a bit and tugged my boy towards the door.

By the time I managed to get Lovino out of the flat, the two were viciously flipping each other out. I was so proud of Lovino's newly acquired skills. Maybe he could be a thug now, joy. The outside world offered me a breath-giving gust of stormy wind.

I whistled a bit, asking the world if it felt like raining and it spoke back, plopping a cold tear onto my head. I smiled at the little one who was looking up, a little amazed with the downfall. He was so beautiful… the wind danced with his weightless red hair as it pleased and the coveted sun made the light that fell onto him a dusty blue shade. "Never seen rain before?" I teased.

"No…" He whispered, studying the airy river that floated above out heads.

"Really?" I couldn't keep my eyes off him,

"Yes… I lived in a wooded area. The rain just rolled down from leaves." A little drop landed on his brow and slipped down his face kindly.

"Well, I'll show you how beautiful it can be." I promised and slipped my fingers into him, giving a slight tug. He refused to budge for a few moments until he was satisfied then followed me into the cab I had just hailed.

It just gets better from here?...Let's hope… but not expect. In fact, I've learned that when you expect something, take the very opposite then expect that. It could be a lot more than it appears.