If Only I Could

Chapter 6

Over the course of the afternoon Sir John had introduced Marianne and her sisters to a number of young people from various companies and charities John was connected to. Of course these parties were not just about having a bit of fun and filling his house (and garden) with people, but also about connecting those who have money with those who could do with more of it. Preferably needing it for decent purposes like cancer or dementia research, or making care homes and hospices up to decent standards. He was also trying to see if he could get his friend connected to that delightful Dashwood girl. The share wavelength between the two had been plain as day to him when the Dashwoods had arrived, but the revelation of a potential boyfriend had all but killed off any chances of Brandon and Marianne somehow getting together tonight.

As it was, Sir John observed his friend from a distance and saw him enjoying the bar much more than usual. Christopher Brandon liked to be in control of himself and rarely imbibed at the rate he did this afternoon. John made a mental note to have a bedroom readied for Brandon. The other thing John observed from the distance was Brandon not really letting Marianne Dashwood out of sights for any length of time. The man was watching the girl, though to give him credit it was not obvious in any way.

"Oh dear, poor Christopher – I thought there might have been a chance there," Sir John's mother-in-law commented as she joined him at his observation point. On the lawn, Marianne and Elinor were in the mids of a game of Frisbee golf with a group of young men and women from Cure Diabetes. On the sun terrace, not far from the bar, trying to bury himself in a large bush, was Christopher Brandon seemingly enjoying his drink whilst checking his messages on his phone.

"Yes, I was worried she'd find someone else but didn't expect it just yet. Not surprising, really, considering how our dear friend there has made sure to pull away and not give her any indication of interest. He is one difficult fellow, I give you that." John explained.

With their attention so fully on Brandon, neither Sir John nor Adele Jennings noticed the tentative glances a certain Marianne Dashwood was making at the man they were observing. Elinor noticed her sister's sporadic lack of attention to their game, but wasn't sure if she should say something. The further into the decorative plants Christopher Brandon seemed to disappear with his solitary drinks, the more concerned Marianne's expression seemed to turn and finally Elinor decided to act.

"Is something wrong between you and Christopher?" she started. Marianne stared at her, searching for words. Clearly she hadn't thought anyone would notice.

"No… No… Or shouldn't be. But he's just pulling away from everyone." Marianne finally said. Elinor was not buying this.

"Look, Marianne. I've seen the two of you together, remember? I've sat at café's and lunches with you and I was there when he came to greet us just now. Are you two involved and not telling anyone?"

Marianne looked at her sister properly now, not saying anything at first, but the blush that crept onto her cheeks was telling.

"You are…" Elinor started, but Marianne caught hold of herself.

"No, honest Elinor, we're not involved, not like that…"

"Like what?"

"Like… well, not like we'd ever said anything, but I can't deny that I find him very appealing, and we get on so well and I really like his company and…", Marianne wasn't quite able to finish her sentence. She had hardly allowed herself to acknowledge these feeling and instincts to herself, let alone talk to anyone about them.

"Anyways, it's not like anything could come of it. I work for him." Marianne concluded.

"And has he said anything?"

"No. But there are times when I get a feeling that he might like me too. He would never do anything, though. Why would he? It's a different world from ours where he lives in. I mean, I know you're friends and all that, but he wouldn't be interested in someone like me for anything more than maybe being friends. You're clever and organised and efficient and clear headed and all that. You and him, you're alike. I'm too young and flaky." Marianne was staring at the lawn now. Elinor managed to notice it was their turn in the game and they paused their discussion for a short while.

"Then why did he get so upset when you said you had a potential boyfriend pick you up from here? And why do you have a potential boyfriend at all when you haven't cleared your situation with Christopher?" Elinor was almost reprimanding her sister now.

"I don't know! Like I said, we've no understanding with Christopher, and the way he is I'm absolutely certain there is no chance of anything developing between us. I think it's for the best if I just move on and hopefully we can all be friends." Marianne tried to explain, getting a little frustrated. If there was a chance with Christopher Brandon, she'd be happy to explore it. It mattered none to her that he was older and if he would overlook her flakiness, then she was selfish enough to hope that he knew what he was doing. But there was little chance of any of it so she might as well get on with her life.

"Will you talk to him? Before you go?" Elinor suggested. Marianne looked uncertain, and Elinor continued:

"You don't have to tell him you fancy him or anything, just reassure him of your friendship at least, I think he deserves it. I think he probably feels a lot like you but he's so very private, Christopher."

"I doubt it. But you're right. I should have a word. Not sure what I'll say, but I'll see if I can catch him on his own before I go." Marianne agreed.

An hour or so later it was nearing the time John Willoughby had said he'd come to collect Marianne. Marianne had not been able to clear the conversation she'd had with her sister out of her mind and wondered if it could be true: if Christopher Brandon might just be interested in her as more than just friends. Marianne saw her opportunity to talk to the man when she saw him go inside the building. By then the Frisbee golf was well over and she'd been standing with a drink, chatting to Edward and some City banker types. Utterly boring boys with such opinions of themselves, and completely bewildered when Edward revealed he was a nurse! She excused herself, and hurried after Brandon, hoping he wasn't leaving just yet.

She saw him slip out of the room as she came in from the terrace, and half running she followed him to the next room. A library of sorts. He was about to plant himself into a high back armchair when she slipped into the room as well.

"Christopher?" she started. What was she going to say? They'd never acknowledged anything, she could only refer to the feeling she had that they had some sort of a connection between them. What if she'd imagined the whole thing?

"Marianne," he simply acknowledged and turned to her. She could see he'd had a few. Concern for him now became prominent feeling in her. She did not want hurt him, and if the sadness she saw in his eyes right now was her doing she'd have to try and make it right.

"Is everything all right, Christopher?" she asked, approaching him. He shrugged, almost spilling some of his drink. Marianne took hold of the drink and put it down on a coaster on the little occasional table by the armchair. Then she fixed her eyes on his, waiting for his answer.

"Just fine, Marianne, don't worry about me," he said softly.

"I have a feeling that I've hurt you somehow," the direct approach would be the best one, Marianne decided.

"You couldn't possibly," he protested, but Marianne was not completely convinced and she kept her eyes on his to push him to continue.

Brandon let out a deep sigh. She was going to make him confess to his condition and he realised that in his state of mind he would not be much good at holding himself back. He had indulged in far more drink this afternoon than normally in company, and he had allowed himself to wallow in his sorrow of not having a chance with Marianne. The more he had looked at her today the more he had realised he wanted her. In every sense of want.

"Look, Marianne. I don't want to burden you with anything…" he started.

"It's not a burden. You're my friend. More, really…", she interrupted him. Brandon stared at her. More?

"Marianne, I don't expect you to reciprocate in any way, or even to really understand, but when you said you had someone to pick you up today, I just became a little disappointed. Not with you, no, of course not, but with myself. I can't deny that I find you interesting and appealing and that in another time and place perhaps it would have been possible for me to ask you out with me. Properly. I know I cannot, but all the same this afternoon the idea that someone else does have that possibility and the opportunity to ask for your affections did get to me. That's all. It's not your fault." Brandon explained, shifting his gaze away from her. This is when she could scoff or laugh, whatever.

For a moment Marianne just looked at him. He was interested in her?

"What do you mean, wrong time and place?" she almost whispered.

"I'm your boss, and I'm too old to try and woo someone as lovely as you," he explained, looking at her again. And goodness if she wasn't lovely. His hazy brain now concluded that he could happily give an arm or a leg just to embrace her and kiss her just once.

"And if you were not my boss?"

"Still too old."

"Wouldn't I have a say in that?"

"No."

"Even if that was to say that I find you interesting and appealing as well? That I feel as we have a very special connection between us?"

It was Christopher Brandon's turn to look at Marianne. She looked so very sincere and honest he really wanted to believe her. Perhaps she believed all those things right now, but it wasn't real. There would never be this moment in time again, and something happened to his self restraint and he stepped in to close the gap between them. She kept her eyes on him and the tension between them was so thick you could shovel it into a pile. Then he placed his hands on either side of her face, tilting her face up towards him and he leaned in to kiss her. A soft, tentative touch at first soon turned into so much more when she caught on to what he was doing and reciprocated without restraint. Her arms reached around him to pull him closer and for a while the rest of the world disappeared for the two of them. The need for oxygen, however, didn't and eventually they slowed down and pulled apart, panting.

"What was that?" Marianne then whispered. She had loved the kiss, but there had been a tone of voice to it. That tone was not one of promise but one of goodbye.

"Something that will not happen again. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry… I shouldn't have done that…just couldn't help myself."

"What do you mean it will not happen again?"

"Just that. There can never be anything between us. I want you to complete your traineeship and have an opportunity to carry on with us later. I want you to find your place in the world instead of me dragging you into something. I'm not someone you can build on, Marianne. I'm sorry." Brandon explained, suddenly somehow more sober, and he walked out of the room.