Sweet So Sweet
Chapter Five
'Pest'
The following days swept past in a haze of sound bytes and color and noise- lots of noise (never-ending girls' chatter? It sounded strangely reminiscent of that song.)
Like before, Yui found herself sleeping in class. However, her fatigue wasn't due to her short attention span and poor relationship with algebraic formula this time. It was due to physical exhaustion.
In short, Yui hadn't been getting enough sleep.
Every night she dozed in and out of foggy dreams and painfully acute wakefulness, but when the next morning dawned she didn't feel light and refreshed. Instead, she had a headache, and it felt like her skull was filled with rocks. There was an avalanche inside the confines of her head and it hurt to think.
(Sawako-sensei would have made some comment like 'that's not too different from normal, then.'
Well, that wasn't remotely true. Yui did think a lot- just not about the same old ordinary things others did; Ui would always take care of the practical worrying, like food and washing up, etc, and so on. Yui could think about whatever she wanted- usually cakes or playing guitar, or whether Tachibana Himeko was actually Sawa-chan's estranged daughter, or the teacher herself thrown back through time owing to some strange physics theorems and a flying phone box- because Ui did all the difficult stuff. Her life really had been devoid of complications...
Sigh.)
It was a miracle she'd even arisen from her bed that morning at all. She'd felt like death. Her rightful place on the planet was a morgue or crypt or coffin, buried six feet underground (why was it always six?)
Her rightful place was, and always would be, with Ui.
What was she doing in her crumpled school uniform?
Why was she sat behind her desk?
Was there any point in staring at the blackboard? The white chalk characters didn't make any sense anyway; with her eyes crossed, they all blurred into one.
Was there any point to any of this?
But Yui didn't even want to ponder that question. The mere thought of it made her heartbeat increase- even though the question skirted the corners of her mind, not daring to take centre stage, she had to pack it away quickly- shut it up, place it in a box, lock it up, throw away the key.
Bury it in the ground.
Out of sight, out of mind.
Some things should not be pondered.
Should never be pondered; because Yui had a feeling she wouldn't like the answer. This was probably a quandary most people puzzled over at some point in their lives, and maybe they came a suitable conclusion or maybe they didn't, but Yui had a feeling she was one those people who fell into the second category. The ones who couldn't find a reason. The ones who ended up...
Well.
She didn't much want to think about that, either.
That burning taste of metal and fire was back in her mouth.
It was in her whole body.
It hurt.
Trying to keep her eyelids open in class was a struggle.
Then, she wondered why she was even bothering to try.
Exhaustion crashed through her in waves; a dull, blunt force that drove her head to her desk like a paperweight and knocked her unconsciousness into the land of heavy, dreamless sleep. It wasn't soft or gentle at all.
Just painful.
Normally, Ui woke her up in the morning... but Ui wasn't there anymore. It was just another huge, gaping hole left in Yui's life where her sister used to be. Relying on an alarm clock for the wake-up call each morning seemed so mechanical and impersonal when compared to Ui's gentle "I made you breakfast, onee-chan, so please wake up~"
It wasn't the same.
But Yui had to go to school. She knew she had to. Her exhaustion didn't factor into it. She knew, if she stayed off sick, she'd be trapped by herself with her own misery. She wouldn't know what to do with herself. There was nothing to do except think of Ui- and those memories were painfully self-destructive in nature, in that they made Yui sad and angry and a maelstrom of other emotions she couldn't control.
Besides, Yui desperately wanted to see her friends.
Mio. Ritsu. Mugi.
And Azu-nyan.
Especially Azu-nyan.
She needed to see them; to talk with them; to laugh with them.
She needed that normality in her life, she craved it, or she'd go insane. Pretending to be a normal person, with friends and after school clubs and simple worries like grades and what to make for lunch, was a beautiful salvation; it helped her feel slightly less detached from the real world.
Keeping up the pretence helped her to forget about Ui.
(But did she want to forget about Ui?
Nagging doubts, nagging doubts- even when she slept they were always there, running round and round and never ending.
Escher's steps.
A paradox?
What did that word mean, anyway? Mio had tried to explain it once, but there were too many long words, and Yui ended up falling asleep...)
At least, with her friends, she was able to feel and act like her old self again.
It made her feel better.
Maths, however, did not. It made her feel weak and achy and tired and her head began to pound even more, as though her brain were launching an escape to get out of her skull. Her head was simply too small to hold such a huge bundle of conflicting emotion and fatigue.
Being hurt again and again was exhausting.
So she slept.
She'd begun to find it difficult to sleep at home. Beforehand, it had been easy- an escape from all the terrible things that had happened. Now, it was almost impossible. The house was too cold, too lonely, and filled with memories of her and Ui. The ghost of her sister haunted her house, wailing at night with every gust of wind.
Ui's dead, maggot-ridden fingers (surely they're not maggot-ridden, it's only been a few days) crept softly down Yui's cheek in the middle of the night.
Her voice, emitting from the cracked and broken thorax, whispered in the dark; "I love you, onee-chan. Always. Forever."
And Yui wanted to admit she loved her, too.
She would always love Ui.
Wasn't that the decent and proper response of any loving sister?
But Ui was not a corpse- Ui was the real, living, human girl who smiled and made Yui breakfast and tied up her hair and did the washing up with bright pink gloves and smelt of lemon and disinfectant.
Ui was a happy memory.
An oasis of calm.
The phantom figure in Yui's mind was a monster.
How could you love a corpse?
They never even let me see her body.
So Yui had to imagine. And she suspected her imaginings were even worse than the truth. Sometimes she wished Ui hadn't focused all her thoughts around boring, every day stuff- she wished her little sister had shared some of those boring problems with her from time to time- because then Yui wouldn't have been left to wonder about the true parentage of Himeko, or how it was only very pretty people attended their school (a conspiracy?), and her mind would have been far less over imaginative and far more grounded in reality.
She wouldn't have been stuck unable to get to sleep because of all these thoughts circulating round and round and round in her head, on a spin-cycle; or a carousel of pain (hmn... that sounded like a song lyric. Maybe she should tell that to Mio later.
Not that it mattered.)
The thought of Ui's corpse brought bile to Yui's throat, so she tried not to think of it too much- but in the dead of night, with only her own labored breathing for company and the whistle of the wind at her window, she could think of little else.
Morbid curiosity.
Or a wish for self-destruction.
But at school Yui was with Mio and Ritsu and Mugi and Azu-nyan. The atmosphere was friendlier. Happier. And, even though Ui had attended this school, her memory did not taint every single thing.
It was easier to relax here. Easier to sleep. And easier to dream of pleasant things. With Mio-chan and Mugi-chan and Ricchan, Yui felt safer; it was as though their friendly presences were warding off some unknown evil that was plaguing her brain.
At home, it had become impossible to sleep.
Did the sleepless nights and bloodshot eyes mean she was an insomniac?
Ha…
That was another problem Yui had read about in books and seen on TV documentaries, but it was never a term she believed she could apply to herself.
At first, sleep had been her sole refuge from the memories- her only happy place.
Now, it was a breeding ground of fear and misery and loneliness, because even in her fantasies, Ui never came back.
Not the Ui she knew.
The world really had gone mad.
Insane.
Of course, she'd known that the moment she heard Ui was dead.
"Yui, did you take any notes in class?" Mio asked, sighing as Yui helped herself, uninvited, to the contents of Mio's bento box.
She'd forgotten her lunch, too. The second time in a row. If Yui was to forget anything, Mio was sure it would've been her pencil case, school books- hell, even her uniform- but not her food. Yui loved eating. She was one of those people who spoke with their mouths full, not showing any self-restraint.
And, even if Yui didn't like her food, she liked her sister. She would never forget to bring a meal her sister had made for her. Their bond of sisterly love was unbreakable; iron chains- or maybe the red tie of destiny.
(Mio often thought of things in poetic terms, even if Ritsu teased her for it; it made the world sound like a more beautiful place).
But, apparently not.
Because Yui had forgotten.
Again.
Maybe sisterly love was no match against stupidity or forgetfulness; which a rather depressing thought, but Mio had a feeling, when it came to Hirasawa Yui, this was true.
"I'm sorry, what was that, Mio-chan?" Yui asked, blinking her wide eyes innocently at Mio.
The dark-haired girl sighed. She wondered how she was friends with such people- worrying about Yui would kill her one day.
How Ui managed, she didn't know.
She must have been stronger than she looked.
"I said," Mio reiterated, her voice stony with irritation, "did you take any notes at all?"
"Mmnope!" Was Yui's cheerful reply. She sounded ecstatic, like she'd just run a 10K marathon or won the lottery- not slept in class.
Honestly, it was hardly something to be triumphant about.
"Yeah, high five!" said Ritsu enthusiastically, slapping Yui's palm with her own. "We have our priorities sorted out, unlike that boring person over there."
Mio's eyes narrowed. "Don't call be boring!"
"Owch!"
Ritsu gave a short exclamation of pain, as Mio reached across the table and slapped her, none too gently, across her head. If it'd been a gag four panel manga, steam and a comically over-sized lump would've sprung to life from Ritsu's scalp.
"Good grief," said Mio, with a sigh. "You two should take your work more seriously."
"And you take everything too seriously," said Ritsu, sticking out her tongue. "You don't know how to have fun."
"T-that's not true! Just because I'm not irresponsible like you, it doesn't mean I'm dull!"
"All work and no fun makes Mio a dull girl~" said Ritsu, sniggering to herself.
Mio narrowed her eyes, folded her arms. She turned her head, hair bouncing she did so, and gave a small 'humph!' She refused to be drawn in to Ritsu's childish insults- she was better than that.
"The saying doesn't even go like that," said Mio.
Even so, she couldn't resist baiting Ritsu, just a little.
"But you admit you're no fun, right?"
"I-I never said that!"
"That should be your new name! I can just see it now!" said Ritsu enthusiastically. She held her hands up in the air above her head, as though pointing at something on the ceiling. Naturally, Yui, Mugi and Mio's eyes followed her hands. "It shall follow you everywhere you go, and everyone you meet shall say 'Oh, look, it's Akiyama Mio: The Place Where Fun and Humor Goes to Rot and Die'!"
"Ooh, that's a brilliant title! It's all complicated, just like Mio-chan!" said Yui, bouncing up and down in her seat.
"It is, isn't it?" Ritsu winked. "I'm a genius!"
At this, Mio's left eye twitched. Her fingers formed into fists very, very slowly. The red flush on her cheeks only made her look dangerous.
"Idiot!"
Mio's fist moved so quickly nobody saw it, until it had collided with Ritsu's forehead for the second time.
"Whoa…" said Yui, staring at the still flushed Mio in awe. "Lightning reflexes! Mio-chan's a ninja!"
"Hehe," Mugi laughed in her lady-like way, one hand over her mouth. "You and Ricchan always act so happy around each other."
"I-it's not like that… A-and stop looking at me like that, Yui!" said Mio, turning to fix Yui with a death glare. It didn't really work, though- Mio was too embarrassed and her face too red to manage a decent 'I will stab you' expression. "I-I'm not a ninja!"
Yui began to laugh, and was soon by joined by Ritsu and Mugi, much to Mio's embarrassment.
But Yui didn't really care.
Being with these people...
It's always so much fun.
The darker thoughts she'd been entertaining during class had all but left her during their carefree conversation. She felt at peace. Happy.
"Y-yui-senpai?"
Yui felt a hand on her shoulder, and she turned round, still smiling, to see Azusa stood behind her.
"Ah, Azu-nyan! Hello!" said Yui, giving her underclassman a hug round the middle. Her motion was so fast, it very nearly made Azusa fall over- although she really should have been used to it by now.
Some things never changed, though.
"Y-yui…" said Azusa, forgetting the 'senpai' in her flustered moment of indignation. "Don't do that in a classroom, geez. It's embrassing."
"Heheh." Yui drew away from the shorter girl, looking a little sheepish. "Sorry, Azu-nyan! Some habits are break~ I was just excited to see you here; don't you usually stay in your own classroom at lunch?" Yui's eyes lit up; they were almost sparkling. "Or maybe you were just so excited to see me you couldn't wait until later? Hehehe~"
"Urgh..." Azusa sighed, and rolled her eyes. "A change of pace is fine, too. You're such a child."
Azusa was trying to sound aloof, but her voice cracked a little. She folded her arms and looked away- a motion that mirrored Mio's previous actions almost exactly. Sometimes watching Azusa was like watching a shorter Mio.
A shorter Mio with pigtails.
Actually, Mio and Azusa looked pretty alike when their hair was tied up…
Maybe they were related in some way?
They even acted the same a lot of the time, too…
Perhaps Yui had cracked the conspiracy; the mystery behind why all the girls were so pretty, and some of them looked so similar... All the students and teachers were somehow related! Or maybe it was a result of some freak laboratory experiment gone awry? Maybe they were all undefeatable cyborgs!
Yui felt sure, if this was a manga or anime, such a thing would have been entirely possible; no, not only that, it was the logical explanation!
"That's it!" said Yui suddenly, slapping a fist into her palm, a typical 'eureka!' gesture.
"What? What is it, Yui-chan?" Ritsu asked interestedly, leaning across the table. As she did so, she very nearly put her hand in Mio's open bento box. "Did you figure out something amazing and groundbreaking?"
"Yes, Commander Ricchan!" said Yui, saluting (Mio rolled her eyes). "I just realised that Nakano Azusa and Akiyama Mio are long lost sisters! Or maybe the same person, with time travel involved… I don't know. But it's definitely suspicious!"
There was a long pause.
"…What." Was all Mio and Azusa could manage.
"No, don't dispute her theory!" said Ritsu seriously, nodding. "I see it!" She formed a picture frame with the thumb and forefinger of each hand, and centred it on Azusa's flushed face. Then, she moved it to Mio. "There is a definite similarity! This needs to be looked into! Could it be time travel? Or maybe Azu-nyan is a clone of Mio-chan, formed from a strand of her hair in a laboratory? You shouldn't dispute these things so quickly! Well done, Subordinate Yui-chan!"
"No problem, Ricchan!"
"Don't be stupid," said Mio, lightly flicking Ritsu in the forehead. "Don't encourage her. And you," she turned to Yui, "don't encourage Ritsu." The bassist sighed and placed her fingers to her temple, as though trying to shake off a headache. "It's not like she needs any encouragement."
"Eheh. Mio-chan is so sensible it hurts sometimes," Yui giggled.
"Now, Azusa-chan," said Mio, turning to the younger girl. She smiled in that mature way of hers that was the main reason everyone believed she was so sophisticated and dangerous- until she began quivering at the mere mention of 'barnacles', of course. "Is there anything you want to talk about?"
"U-um, yes." Azusa nodded. She looked nothing short of relieved that Mio had saved her from Yui and Ritsu. "Ahem. Yui-senpai, Jun-chan… Um…"
At the sound of Jun's name, Yui's cheery attitude vanished, like evaporating water.
Her eyes narrowed.
She looked down at the table.
Jun-chan again, huh?
She sure is popular lately. I've seen the looks of pity people have been giving her, the things they say; 'oh, you saw it happen? That must have been awful!' and 'hang in there, Jun-chan' and 'to lose your best friend so quickly... I-I'm so sorry, Jun-chan.'
What about me?
Why are they all so quick to comfort Jun?
Why would you feel sympathy for a murderer?
I-I... I don't understand...
"W-well, Jun-chan wants to talk to you about… um… something," said Azusa vaguely.
"Hey, senpai."
It was then, for the first time, Yui noticed the pigtailed girl was stood behind Azusa. She hadn't even noticed at first, being so pleased to see the underclassman, but now…
Jun had sounded so casual.
'Hey, senpai'.
Really? She could talk like that so easily after Ui… After…?
Jun has no right to sound happy, not after she saw Ui…
But she has no right to be sad, either, because Ui was my sister, not her's. She doesn't understand!
Why does she have to bring up Ui?
These are the only times I can forget about her.
I just want to have fun.
I want to pretend everything's alright and normal and the way it was before! Jun's trying to ruin everything, she…
I…
I don't want to forget about Ui.
But I don't want to remember her either!
I'd feel so guilty if I forgot… But it hurts too much to remember! I don't know what to feel! I don't know what to do! But I'm sure Ui would want me to be happy. She wouldn't want me to brood over it.
But Ui's a corpse now.
Ui's dead.
What she wants doesn't matter anymore.
Jun made sure of that.
Everything is her fault!
She was with Ui when she died. She could have stopped it. B-but she didn't! I would have… I would. Really.
Jun's life is not as important as Ui's.
That's the truth.
Even if it was true, Yui felt terrible for thinking it.
Except…
In some strange, sick way, it also comforted her, because she knew it was true. She valued Ui more than Jun. Well, everybody would value their sister more than their sister's friend.
It was perfectly natural.
Normal.
Normal to want to punch Jun in the face- to scream at her- to make her suffer even one seventh of the pain she caused Ui!-
Yui hadn't realized it, but she hadn't been breathing.
Her lungs instantly filled with air once she was aware of this fact. She felt like she'd been running a race; needles prickled at her lungs in an uncomfortable piercing sensation.
Yui forced a smile on top of the scowl before it was too late, before people noticed and questions were asked.
Questions were bad.
Ignorance was good.
Happiness was good, too.
Right.
Be happy.
Look happy.
Luckily, the others- save Azusa- did not seem to have noticed Yui's momentary personality change.
"Hmn, Yui-chan~" said Ritsu, elbowing Yui in the side. "I wonder what Jun-chan wants. It can't be for homework- we all saw you sleeping through class!"
"Says you," said Mio, sighing. "Weren't you boasting a few minutes ago that only 'boring people did work'? You sure changed your tune pretty quickly."
"Hey, Mio-chan, don't say such things! We need to set the underclassmen an example!" said Ritsu indignantly, as though the dark haired girl had been the one sleeping in class instead of her.
"Who would want to follow your example?" Mio shot back.
"Ah…" said Mugi, swaying in her seat. There was a distinct dreamy expression on her face- one which heralded strange fantasies the others did not wish to know about. "Maybe Jun-chan wants to talk in private to Yui because the relationship between two girls-"
"You're over-thinking things," said Mio flatly.
"Yeah, this isn't a dating sim," said Ritsu. Her voice then took a speculative tone; "Although I did try one once…"
But, before she could finish, Mio slapped a hand over Ritsu's mouth.
"If I have to hear any more from you, I swear my IQ will drop."
"And we couldn't have that, Mio-chan," Ritsu managed to make out through Mio's splayed fingers. "Then you'd be one of us! One... of... usss.. Give us your braainn, Mio-chan..." she began to moan, in zombie-like tones.
True to form, Mio gave a small squeak and jumped up, taking her fingers away from Ritsu's mouth as she did so. She turned to nail Ritsu with a hurt, wide-eyed glare so powerful it was equivalent to a kick in the face.
"R-ritsu! Stupid Ritsu! Don't talk like that!"
"But Mio-chaaan~"
A small pout tugged at Mugi's lips. It seemed she had been interested in Ritsu's forays with dating sims; she had been leaning forward, her eyes wide.
Yui would have laughed, had her heart been in it.
Had Jun not been there.
Her presence was poisonous.
It tainted everything.
And then it hit Yui, with the force of a freight train;
I'll never be happy as long as she's around.
Never.
She was there when Ui died; she saw what happened; she could have stopped it. She didn't. It should have been her.
Maybe, if... I-if I set that right...
Could I...?
But her smile didn't falter, and her gaze did not shift.
She continued to look at Jun, smiling like a summer's day.
Oh- Jun was saying something.
Her lips were moving.
But Yui hadn't been listening.
"What was that?" Yui asked, blinking up at the two underclassman. She giggled. "Sorry- I've not been super-attentive lately. U-um... Yeah."
"You're never super-attentive, Yui-chan," said Azusa, shaking her head. "Geez. What a dummy."
Yui giggled. "You know me too well, Azu-nyan."
"U-um…" Jun was shifting, looking awkward.
She didn't belong with the Ho-kago Tea Time- not unless Ui was there, too. That thought made Yui's smile more sincere; almost predatory.
You're not wanted.
We all know that.
I wish you wouldn't insist on hanging around.
"Anyway, Yui-senpai," said Jun, after a pause. She looked awkward. "U-um… As I said before… S-shall we go? I-I need to speak to you and, um… Yeah. T-that's what I wanted to say."
"Ah? Oh, sure thing, Jun-chan," said Yui. "I've already finished lunch anyway."
"My lunch," Mio corrected.
"Heheh. Sorry, Mio-chan."
a.n: aheheh... I feel the ending I have right now really wouldn't be popular, considering the reviews I'm getting -sweatdrop- I'll probably rewrite it, then... I don't know, I feel the ending I have at the moment would offend people -.-
Oh, what to do...