Another quick update! :) Thank you for reading and reviewing!
Once again, Renji found himself sitting in Ukitake-taicho's living room. This time, though, the air hung heavily over their heads, the tension so thick that Renji could almost taste it on his tongue. There were no light-hearted jokes to trade tonight, no casual chatter about the day's events at their respective divisions, and no food laid out on the table that separated them.
Juushiro had opened the door and invited the lieutenant in once he sensed his presence. There was no point hiding, or delaying the inevitable—that would only be childish. Juushiro had no intention to sink any lower than he already was.
And he was...low, because not only had he touched a fellow officer inappropriately, he had liked it. Having Renji in his arms had felt so right when he did it—it had come so naturally, like an instinct. And kissing the man was just...it had felt so good. But it was so wrong.
He hadn't meant to simply abandon Renji at the Fourth; he had, in fact, stayed for half an hour. Worried as he was, he couldn't tear his eyes away from Renji's face—so serene and innocent-looking when free from his terrors, yet he couldn't bear looking at it because it reminded him of what he had done. After thirty minutes of agony, he left.
How ironic it was. Juushiro set out to help rid Renji of his nightmares and visions, yet now he was the one stuck with images of how Renji would react when he wakes up. Would he remember what Juushiro had done? Was he even conscious enough to feel his touches? Would he see fury in those fiery brown eyes, or would he see disgust?
Any doubts Renji had about whether his hazy memories were real dissipated as soon as he saw Ukitake-taicho. He immediately recognized the connection between the captain's aura with the calming entity in his dreams—he knew no other word to call it. An embrace? A presence? He couldn't see it, couldn't touch it, but he felt it even though he didn't know what it was.
And now they sat in silence, each lost in their own thoughts, until Juushiro asked softly, "What do you remember?"
"Not much," Renji admitted. "Just...being held, and..." His voice trailed off as he hesitated.
Juushiro did his best to maintain eye contact with the lieutenant as he waited to hear the next words.
"And being kissed, I think," Renji continued. He kept his gaze on the captain's face and saw a delicate shade of pink blossom on the man's cheeks.
Juushiro let out a shaky sigh. Well, it wasn't as though he would hide the truth even if Renji didn't remember a thing. He had every intention to tell the man everything, and then he would bear whatever consequences that followed—including punishment from the Gotei 13 if Renji chose to report him. But he knew that the redhead would not do so; over the weeks he had come to know the young man well enough to predict that Renji would keep this matter between them for the sake of Juushiro's honor. And that made him feel even worse.
"I'm sorry," Juushiro said in a small voice, then immediately felt stupid for saying it. Words seemed so...trivial, how was it supposed to atone for his actions? He fell silent and stared at Renji, waiting for an outburst.
But it never came. An odd expression—confusion? relief?—splashed across the redhead's face, and he opened his mouth as though to say something only to close it again.
Silence stretched.
If Renji's audience were someone else, he would not get the luxury of simply sitting there without a response. But since it was Juushiro, he had all the time in the world to pull his thoughts together.
What was this warmth that was spreading in his chest? Why did he feel relieved that he hadn't simply imagined everything?
When Renji finally spoke, it was the last thing Juushiro expected to hear. "Thank you." There was no anger, no hint of sarcasm, no hatred—the lieutenant looked completely serious.
"I...but I don't understand," Juushiro stuttered, at loss for words. His eyes were wide, unblinking.
"I know now, what was missing," Renji went on as though he hadn't heard the captain. "And what I've been searching for all this while."
Juushiro shook his head, still not comprehending.
Renji leaned forward and looked intently into the captain's confused green eyes. "Ukitake-taicho, I am not an eloquent man. I don't know how to say this in a way that won't sound stupid," he said. "I've been searching for someone who can fix me." His face turned red as the next sentence rolled off his tongue. "And that someone is you."
Juushiro froze with an incredulous look on his face.
Again, Renji ignored the captain's reaction. "I needed someone who cared, someone who would understand my darkest secrets and not turn away." He paused. "Someone I can trust."
"Someone you can trust?" Juushiro echoed with a pained look. "That's the complete opposite of what I am."
"You had the self-control to push me away," Renji pointed out.
Juushiro flung his arms in the air. "But I didn't have the self-control not to do it in the first place!" He breathed heavily, self-loathing clear in his eyes.
"I'm glad you didn't," Renji said with a small smile. "Because...otherwise I'd never know how you feel." When the captain buried his face in his hands, Renji said, "I felt how hard you fought to protect me. You truly care, I can feel it." Then, when Juushiro remained silent, he asked softly, "How close am I?"
Juushiro looked up. "I...I don't know."
Renji moved towards the captain, who stayed rooted to the spot as though he didn't know what to do. When Renji was seated next to Juushiro, he leaned in and whispered, "Then let's find out."
Juushiro couldn't move. He only stared, frozen, as the lieutenant came closer and closer, until finally, their lips connected. His eyelids slid shut on their own accord as soon as he felt Renji's lips on his—there it was again, the feeling that this was so right. But he remained still. This can't be right, he thought even as his mind started to swim. He's my kohai...my colleague, my...
Then Renji's lips began to move—they were warm, moist, soft against Juushiro's, which had suddenly gone dry. The younger man traced his tongue lightly along Juushiro's lower lip. Then, once Juushiro's lips were moist too, Renji brushed his lips against them, caressing the fragile skin, coaxing the captain to respond.
And respond he did. The last of his defenses fell away when he felt Renji's palm on his cheek, and he moaned deep in his throat—it was low, barely audible, but Renji felt the vibration on his lips. Encouraged, he tilted his head to the side and deepened their kiss, begging for entry, and Juushiro finally parted his lips, allowing Renji to slide his tongue slowly into his mouth.
Renji explored carefully, afraid to startle the captain. After a brief moment of hesitation, he reached out to touch Juushiro's tongue with his own. Juushiro's breath hitched in his throat at the unspoken invitation, and he accepted, brushing his tongue gently against the other. At the contact, Renji wrapped his free arm around Juushiro's waist and pulled him closer.
Before long, they were panting into each other's mouth, their hands roaming from shoulders to arms, arms to chests, then slowly but surely, down to their hips.
"May I?" Renji asked, tightening his grip on the captain's hips.
Juushiro didn't say anything, but his hand went to Renji's shihakusho and tugged at the collar until it slipped off one shoulder. The answer was clear enough.
With a smile, Renji got onto his knees and guided the captain onto his back.
To be continued...
This is it, my favorite part of this story! :p Yes, I'm perverted and I know it. ;)