This chapter's fairly long, I hope it doesn't drag or anything. I just had a lot to fit into it, and once I started I just had to keep going, so I hope you enjoy it
Ethan was at home by the time Zoe's email reached him. His phone buzzed, vibrating so violently that it moved almost an inch across the kitchen table. As he read, his shoulders sagged. It had been the right thing to do, to let Zoe in so she at least understood what was going on, but his stomach knotted uncomfortably even so, at the thought of actually talking about all of this in the morning. Because it wouldn't do to leave all of this 'up in the air', as it were. He knew that it would be good for him for talk about it, but this didn't stop his mind running wild all evening. What if Zoe was just humouring him? She might just be putting up a front, and be thinking that this was all just a joke. Surely she wasn't taking him seriously? He was a doctor, it was in the job description that you had to be a 'people person' – although Dylan had perhaps proven that this wasn't the case. You had to be good at talking to people. At the very least, you weren't supposed to be afraid at the prospect of public speaking.
He tossed and turned until the early hours of the morning, when he eventually fell into an uneasy sleep. When his alarm went off at seven o'clock, he felt as though he hadn't slept at all. Ethan ran a hand through his tousled hair as he remembered what this morning would bring. His heart was already beating too quickly, and he realised that he was chewing the inside of his bottom lip absent-mindedly. It stung when he ran his tongue along it. He showered, taking longer than he would have done usually, then dressed quickly in a shirt and trousers, while his hair was still damp. Pulling a jumper over his head, he headed down to the kitchen, although he already knew he wouldn't be eating any breakfast. The way his stomach was churning, that was probably a wise choice – Zoe would be far less understanding if he brought up the contents of his stomach over her office carpet.
Getting out of his car and walking into the ED, Ethan felt like everyone was turning to look at him, even though he knew this was impossible. No-one else knew anything about, well, anything, so if they were turning round, it really was just to be polite and say 'good morning,' like they always did. He jammed his hands in his pockets, knowing that there was a slight shake in them. He felt like everyone would be able to see it, but no-one could. They just thought it was a little unusual for Ethan to have his hands in his pockets: the reserved doctor was impeccably well-spoken, and his posture and stance generally matched. But no-one thought anything more of it, as the day's stream of patients began to build.
Ethan lingered outside the door of Zoe's office for a few moments before tentatively knocking. Her soft Liverpool accent called for him to come in.
"I didn't expect to see you so soon," she said gently, gesturing for him to sit down on the sofa. It certainly wouldn't put him at ease for them to be on either side of a desk. She stood up and went over to sit beside him, noticing that he was already holding his hands together awkwardly in his lap.
"I – um, I thought it would be best to get this over with. Rather than... Instead of letting myself think about it too hard."
"I'm glad you're here, nonetheless," Zoe said. "I've been worried about you – are you okay?" Ethan's face was suddenly very white, and she began to notice the light shadows under his eyes, and the way his hair didn't fall quite as neatly as usual. Ethan opened his mouth to speak, and sighed in frustration as no sound escaped. "Take your time, don't rush on my account, all right?" Ethan took a deep breath, and let it out slowly through his nose.
"I'm sorry. I'm okay, I just didn't have any breakfast, I was feeling – a little... uneasy this morning."
"About this?" Ethan nodded. "You don't need to apologise, and this is something that we can try and sort for you."
"I – I'm just – It's ridiculous though, I'm thirty-two years of age, and this is all in my head!"
"Exactly. The fact that it's in your head doesn't mean it's not real. If anything it's more real, because we can't just give you a painkiller and mask it for a little while. You've been fighting through every single day, with your mindset stuck against you, and the fact that you've never once asked for time off shows just how strong you are, Ethan. For as long as it's making you feel grim, it's very real, and I want to help you. And the fact that you managed to write it all down tells me that you want this help, so I'm going to do everything I can to help you." She paused a moment, watching the registrar. His hands were knotted in his lap, and he looked down at them so as to avoid making eye contact with Zoe. He was sitting stiffly.
Ethan zoned out for a few seconds, then snapped back into reality with a jolt as he bit the inside of his bottom lip a little too hard. He winced, and instantly hoped Zoe hadn't noticed. If she had, she didn't say anything.
"Ethan?" she said gently. He looked up, making himself look into her eyes, but wondering whether he was now going to be making too much eye contact instead of not enough. Which was worse? He didn't know. "Can you think of anything that triggers this? I mean, what makes it worse? From your letter I guess that you're feeling quite anxious fairly regularly – you look quite anxious now – but is there anything that you absolutely know will set it off?" Ethan thought, and was quiet for a few moments. Knowing that the silence would probably add to the pressure on him, Zoe spoke again. "Or just any situations that make it worse, we could start there if that's easier."
Ethan's heart was beating faster and faster, he could feel it crawling up his throat, and blood was pounding in his ears.
"Um, this?" He laughed weakly, then looked away quickly as he felt his cheeks turning pink. For goodness' sake, he thought, can't you get through a single conversation without letting this take over? "Knowing that I'll have to talk in front of people. I don't mean – no, I -" He closed his eyes in frustration and rubbed his fingers into his palms so he was almost clenching his fists, but not quite, and took another deep breath, looking into Zoe's eyes because he felt like it was the right thing to do, not because it came naturally to him. "I mean that I can treat a patient when it's just me and them. It's when there's another doctor in there too, or even one of the nurses. I feel like – You're going to laugh, this is ridiculous."
"I won't laugh, I promise," Zoe assured him.
Ethan looked away, focusing on the desk because he was trying to pretend that Zoe wasn't there. But his voice saying all these words felt so wrong, that this technique didn't help either. "I feel like at the moment I'm just pretending to be a doctor, and at any moment someone's going to call me out on a mistake and realise that I shouldn't even be here at all. What kind of doctor can't hold a conversation without looking like a complete idiot?"
"One who cares. You care that you're doing a good job, and you are, I've never seen anything to make me think otherwise. The fact that you care is what makes you Ethan Hardy, and what makes you the amazing doctor that we all know you can be. You care that other people see you being a good doctor though, and that's your downfall." Ethan nodded, everything she was saying was true.
He'd always been the boy labelled as a teacher's pet on the first day. In most classes he chose to sit at the front, using his poor eyesight as an excuse to escape the seating plan that would have placed him in the middle of the room. It was a fee-paying, all boys school, but that did nothing to improve the conduct of his peers. The middle of the classroom would have been educational suicide, akin to a minefield with all its distractions. Ethan's classmates all knew of his brother, and found the differences between the two highly amusing. While Cal was happy to skip class on occasion, confident in breezing through every test without difficulty, Ethan worked hard for his achievements, which did little for his popularity – another area which Cal had never struggled in. Ethan had never been this anxious as a teenager, he did have friends, but his friends were like him, and the four of them had largely preferred the company of the teachers to the other boys in their classes. His mother was proud to have worked hard enough to send her sons to that school, and Ethan was appreciative of the lengths she'd gone to: he appreciated his education every day. But it made it much harder now, to know that she'd spent so much on his education, and putting both of her sons through medical school as well, and even after all that, Ethan could barely put his ability into practice. He hated to imagine what she'd think if she could see him now, constantly comparing himself to a younger, more competent (and admittedly very pretty) doctor.
"I suppose the main thing we have to do," Zoe went on, "Is to figure out how we're going to help you stop comparing yourself to everyone else." To Lily, Zoe corrected herself silently. Because however much Cal was putting pressure on his brother to be more outgoing, the major problem here was that Ethan was comparing himself professionally to Lily, which wasn't doing him any good. Yes, Lily was a competent doctor, but at present she wasn't showing any of the people-skills that Ethan so obviously possessed, but was having trouble finding. "You're an excellent clinician in your own right, you don't need to be worrying what people think about you. You need to have a little faith in yourself."
"Easier... easier said than done," Ethan said, frowning a little as he had to speak over a slight stammer. He sounded a little more relaxed as he ended the sentence. He was comfortable in Zoe's company, because he knew that she wasn't going to come out with any barbed comments, not like Cal, who took great annoyance from his brother's quietness. Ethan trusted Zoe, which is the only reason why he went along with her idea of having one of these meetings every week, to try and talk through things.
Her final words stayed with him for the rest of the evening though.
"However bad things get, Ethan, you're never going to be wasting my time. Don't ever think that you're taking up too much of my time by knocking on that door to have a conversation about this. Because that's how we're going to sort this out. We're going to find a way to tuck this anxiety into a box, and leave the box behind, because when you're not thinking about it, you're one of the best doctors in this department. Don't let anyone, or anything, make you think otherwise, okay?"
Hope you liked the chapter, please leave a review and let me know what you think :)