Crash Diet

Ch. 6

THE NEXT DAY…

"…And when all the new villains started coming, I started to think: Hey, I'm not the only bad-guy! Hey, I'm not the only one who kidnaps princesses! Hey, I'm not the only one with an army! Hey, life's too short! If I keep obsessing over defeating an Italian plumber, I may never live my dream of playing cricket in New Zealand! Maybe if I calm down and stop making trouble, maybe Master hand will let me go! Thanks doc, that really helped."

"Um, okay. You're welcome, Bowser." Lucario said. "Now, first question…"

Beep-beep! Beep-beep!

"Oh, sorry Bowser. We're out of time for today. Good luck on that 9' tall eraser-shaving sculpture of yourself. NEXT!"

Kirby skipped in after Bowser left "HIII Lucario. How are you today?" he said cutely.

"My emotions are irrelevant during this session." Lucario said mystically. "You are here to discuss your strange mood swings, correct?"

"Yep, although I also heard that you give out free food."

"No, that was just a ruse to get you to come. However, because it is you, I will give you some lemonade and a bag of peanuts when you leave, as I feel that the results would be catastrophic if the promise of food was not fulfilled to you."

"Thanks."

"So, you have been experiencing some personality changes. Can you recall them?"

Ummm… I think the first one was right after I beat Link last month, I played charades with Fox and I imitated a pan of lasagna really well, then-"

"No, I mean the recent ones that you couldn't remember."

"Oh. Well… I think that the first time was when I guess I said I was going to meditate, that was 4:40 yesterday. Then I apparently gave that one speech that Ganondorf always gives, that was 5:15. I must've done something to Luigi because he suddenly started blabbering about something and ran off crying, although that's not saying much. Then the same thing happened to the narrator right after that. I'm not sure exactly when that was, but it was right before I came to supper. Then I acted like Ike… hee-hee, that rhymed."

"Stay focused."

"Sorry… anyway, I acted like Ike, and even used his B attack at 7:08. Then Mario kidnapped me, and I must have acted like Zelda, 'cause Link seemed pretty angry with me afterwards. Let's seeeeee… That was about an hour 'til curfew, so… about 8:55."

"That's strange, it seems as though your personality changes when you are in a position that the character you imitate might be in. When you were kidnapped, you acted as Zelda, as she often is kidnapped. The only instance that doesn't fit this pattern is Ike. Tell me what was happening right before."

"Um, I think that I was using final cutter and thinking about the superspicy curry that I ate… Oh, I see. Sword + fire = Roy! Wait, he was replaced, so I guess, sword + fire = Ike!"

"Precisely. And 4:40 and 5:15 are the times that I meditate and Ganon yaps about himself. As for Luigi, he always bugs Mario. Although, using one of Ike's attacks… bothers me. You're sure you hadn't inhaled him, right?"

"Corretamundo."

"Interesting. Hmmm, I believe I understand the nature of the shifts in your personality."

"Well that's good to know."

"It is fatal."

"Drat, there go my plans for the weekend."

TO BE CONTINUED…

…RIGHT NOW!

"Just kidding!" Lucario chuckled "It's not fatal! That would completely mess up the plot of the story."

"You're weeeiiird. And I thought you never laughed."

"Humor, so I've been told, is an adequate reliever of stress."

"I thought you used your aura for that."

"I used to, but neither my patients nor I like the idea of my aura probing their minds. Besides, real men don't laugh, we chuckle. Okay, now that that's out of the way, I have decided on a test that will test if my theory is correct or not. OK P.T, come on in!"

"Why am I doing this?" asked the Pokémon Trainer as he walked in.

"I'll use my aura to keep Sonic from writing 'I'm too slow!' on your running shoes."

"Deal. Uhhh, Charizard, use flamethrower!"

Kirby immediately roared and spit flames around the room, torching everything in the room except Lucario, who had put up an aura shield around himself, and the snacks that were promised to him.

"Ow." Said the Pokémon Trainer as he stood, clearly suffering from third-degree burns.

"Well," said Lucario, strangely calm, "in the interests of the Trainer's health, and the matter of extending the warranty of the interior design of this room, I suggest we continue tomorrow. Kirby, you may go."

"Can I have the free food?"

"Sure. Oh, by the way, I suggest staying away from people. If my calculations are correct, you can have… 6,5,4…3 more mood swings before the next change is permanent. And that would be bad. Really bad. Like, UBER bad times 3."

"Uhh, okay."

Will Kirby survive? (Probably) Will the Pokémon Trainer sue for his injuries? (Probably, but who cares. Anyone… anyone at all… no?) Will Kirby follow Lucario's directions? (What do you think? No) Will I ever stop asking rhetorical questions? (NEVER!!!)

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