Chapter 6 - Reckoning

One week down. She thought Friday would never come. The guys wanted to go out for drinks, but Liv was not sure about it, because almost every time they did, Munch and Fin would end up leaving her and Elliot there. In the past she did not mind being alone with him, in fact she looked forward to it. But now the past needed to be just that...the past. Lake had a date, so he would not be there. Cragen rarely went with them. She vaguely wondered what Casey was doing tonight.

At first, she did not think Elliot would go, because since the baby, the accident, he had been making it a point to get home earlier. But when Fin mentioned going, he said it was great timing because Kathy's mom had come in last night and was staying to help out for a few days. So, yea, he was in for a few drinks.

She was still contemplating her answer, when her cell began to vibrate and chirp. It was Casey and yes, she was free tonight and would love to go for drinks. That settled that problem. If need be, Casey would protect Olivia from Elliot at all costs.

Casey met Liv outside the precinct and they headed to O'Malley's just down the block and across the street. Fin had gone earlier to get a booth and already had a couple of pitchers of beer waiting on them. Munch and Elliot were just moving in to sit on opposite sides of the table and when the ladies approached, Munch motioned for Casey to sit next to him. She looked at Olivia, shrugged and slid into the booth. Fin had taken the chair at the end of the booth, leaving only one place for Liv to sit. Right beside Elliot. She looked around the table, still standing, unsure of what to do.

Fin noticed her hesitation. "What's the problem, Liv? You and Stabler have another fight? I swear...ya'll are worse than married folk. Well, he ain't gonna mess with ya...at least not in front of me...cause he knows I will kick his butt...so sit down, girl."

To cover the uneasiness she felt, she laughed as she began to slide into her seat. "Appreciate it, Fin, but I don't need any help. Definitely not to keep Elliot in line. Been kicking his butt for over eight years now."

Elliot felt the blood rush to his head. Her comment made him so mad. Not the part about kicking his butt, she could and would do that and did so on a regular basis. No, it was the flippant announcement that she 'did not need help' that ticked him off because he knew she was not really saying it to Fin. She was really telling him, reminding him that she did not need him. Just like she told him the other night.

"Yea, Fin. St. Olivia here doesn't need help from anyone for anything. She's got these amazing super powers and she's got everything all under control. Unlike the rest of us." Taking a big gulp of beer, elbow on the table, he held the mug in his hand as his eyes narrowed, burning a hole into her.

Liv knew she was probably the only one who realized his face was smiling, but his eyes were not. She knew he was fuming and his comment about 'St. Olivia' and 'super powers' was not doing much for her anger level, either. Listen to them. She had not even sat down yet and they were already at each others throat. The more things change the more they remain the same.

Either everyone at the table chose to ignore the friction picking up intensity between the two or they were oblivious to it. Or just used to it. Whatever the case, they all began bantering back and forth, with the easy talk and joking of years of friendship and working together. She poured a mug of beer and settled back, careful to stay on her end of the seat. Away from him. Away from Elliot.

Fifteen minutes later Casey noticed the Captain standing, looking around. "Hey, Cap! Over here!" Cragen rarely came out with them because he didn't drink and being in that atmosphere could be tempting at times. He was a recovering alcoholic and intended to keep it that way.

"Hey, Captain. We got a case or something?" Fin asked.

"No...been awhile since I've come with you guys...thought I'd hang out a bit. Things have been pretty wired lately." He said as he motioned for Olivia to scoot over and make room for him.

That would be scoot over...closer...to Elliot. A tightness formed in her stomach. Hesitating slightly, she scooted over taking great care not to touch Elliot. It was impossible because he turned slightly, stretching out, putting his arm across the back of the booth behind her, then shifting his legs, bumping her thigh and foot in the movement. She tried desperately not to be aware of his presence. Mission impossible. His cologne still had enough strength to assault her senses and his arm behind her caused the hair on her neck to raise. And though they were not actually touching, their thighs were close enough she could feel the heat radiating from them. Heat? Who was she kidding? It was more like fire! His foot, however, remained next to hers, nudging her. Each time she moved it he would seek it out again. She finally gave up. From the corner of her eye, she could see his the slight smirk on his face.

For a bit they talked about a couple of their cases, the trial Casey was preparing for the following week, whether or not she would need Munch and Fin to testify and current NYPD gossip. But then someone had to bring up the one thing Olivia really did not want to hear about, talk about or even think about.

"So, how's junior?" Munch grinned at Elliot. Great. Just what she needed. This was going to be a short night because she just was not up to hearing about the baby. That tight feeling that had never gone away was becoming stronger. She thought she might need to throw up. The conversation went from extolling the joys and frustrations of a newborn to Dickie's touchdown pass, Maureen's acceptance into law school and other inane ramblings about his family. Then it naturally turned to the accident and how Kathy was doing, which Liv definitely did not want to talk about so she made her decision.

"Gonna call it night, guys. I'm tired." Pulling her jacket on, she threw some money on the table and turned to the Captain. "'Scuse me, Cap." He stood up making way for her to get out of the booth.

"Ah, come on, Liv. It's still early." Elliot had put his arm that was around the back of the booth on her shoulder, curling his fingers around her arm, shaking her just a bit, pulling her to him. The shock of his touch, the fire that ran through her body nearly rendered her mute. "Um...See you guys Monday." Finding her voice, at last, she nodded to everyone, slid out of the booth and left.

- - - - - - - -

Elliot was right. It was early...only 7:20 and she did not feel like going home just yet. She decided to go back to the precinct and finish up the file she had been working on earlier. Just over an hour later, she closed the folder and stretched. Glad that is finished, she thought. Now Monday will be free to start afresh on another case.

Half way home she realized she was starving, so she had the driver drop her off few blocks down from her apartment where there were several restaurants and delis. Deciding she was tired of eating out all the time, she went into Sid's Deli, and picked up a some meats, cheese, bread and makings for a salad. On the way home, she kept thinking about everything with her and Elliot. She thought about how his touch, no matter how slight, set fire coursing through her veins. She had to quit thinking about things like this. She decided she was not doing very well at making a life of her own. Guess it will take some time.

She was still deep in thought when she rounded the landing on her floor, busying herself looking for her keys while balancing the bags of food. Totally not in cop mode, because she was not the least bit aware of her surroundings. When she found the keys, she was almost to her door and as she looked up, she nearly fainted. Elliot was sitting on the floor, leaning on the wall by the door, with his arms wrapped around his knees.

Their eyes met, he stood, taking the bags from her, smiling. "Hey. Let me take those for you."

She readily gave them up, due to shock more than anything. "What are you doing here?"

"Umm...I don't know...we..uh..didn't really have a chance to talk earlier and then you left. Thought I'd just drop by...but then you weren't home. I decided you wouldn't have lied about being tired and so I would just wait until you left or came home." He grinned the full blown Stabler smile.

She put the key in the lock and opened the door. He continued, "Because actually, I thought you were home but just didn't want to let me in."

"Why would you think that?" They both stepped in and she closed the door, locking it.

"That you were home or that you wouldn't let me in?"

She shrugged and raised her eyebrows. "Both."

"Well, you said you were tired, so I figured you would have come home. And then when you didn't answer the door, I figured you just didn't want to deal with me." He was biting his lip...he's nervous. Why?

"Maybe I was asleep," she said.

"Oh, but you weren't."

"But I could have been."

"You weren't home, Liv."

"And your point is...?" He chuckled and she smiled.

"So, where did you go? Find a better party?" He was making a stab at humor, but was really afraid that is exactly what she did. He followed her to the kitchen, setting the bags on the counter.

Olivia shook her head and said, "Yea...much better party, not that it's any of your business." Hanging her jacket up, she bent to pull off her boots. She carried them to her bedroom and returned to the kitchen. In the minutes before she continued, his stomach dropped to his knees.

"Went back to the house and finished up the Anders file. You know his arraignment is late next week, right?" Was that relief that just washed over his face, she thought. Over Anders? How weird. "Then I went to the deli and here I am. Meet your approval, Dad?"

"Oh...yeah...okay. Thanks for finishing Anders...I'll help you out with the Ramsey paperwork Monday."

"Okay. Listen, I got all this stuff at the deli cause I'm sick of eating out and I haven't eaten since lunch, and it is now...", glancing up at the clock on the microwave, "...9:21. So are you in for a sandwich?" She asked, taking things out of the bags and setting them on the kitchen counter.

"Hey, I'm always in for food...especially when its free." He leaned against the counter next to her.

"Can you slice the bread and tomato? I'll get everything else together."

They spent several minutes building their sandwiches. Olivia made the salad, pulled out two bottles of water...she had meant to pick up a bottle of wine but forgot. They sat at the table and began eating. Neither of them seemed to know what to say. She longed for the time when the silence between them was soothing like a balm that offered healing. Not awkward like it had become in recent years. He knew what he wanted to say, and she was sure that whatever he had to say she did not want to hear it.

Pushing back from the table, he cleared it off and began putting everything up. "Great idea, Liv. The sandwiches." He came back to his seat and began playing with the label on his bottle of water.

She knew he was getting ready to talk and she found herself waiting in dread of the words. He cleared his throat. "Liv, we...we have to talk...about the other night."

Here it comes. The reckoning she had been worrying about, knowing it was inevitable. She sat frozen, unblinking, unmoving, staring at the table. That tight feeling is back...you know, the one in her stomach. "There is nothing to talk about, Elliot."

"Nothing? All that happened, all that was said...that was...nothing?" He stood and rubbed his hands up and down over his face. "You gotta be kidding me." He said this more to himself than to her. Here we go again. How can she get him so riled up in such a short time with so few words? She could be a pure pain in the butt.

"Elliot, nothing really happened and what good will it do to talk about what was said? Huh? Nothing will change...hell, everything has already changed and...I...we...just...forget it, okay?" The tightness was getting stronger.

"I can't forget it! Olivia, look at me and tell me you don't feel it , too." He pleaded. His eyes were so blue, like the ocean, she thought she could just dive into them and drown. Yea, drown all the confusion, all the pain, all the anguish away.

Looking into those ocean blue eyes, she wanted to scream, 'Yes! Yes!! I feel it too!' She wanted to jump into his arms, wanted to feel him against her again. Hear his heart beat with hers. She wanted to hold him, kiss him, finally know how his lips and mouth would feel, taste. She wanted his hands roaming her body, while hers felt every dip and crevice of his muscles. She wanted to know what it would feel like to make him hers.

Breaking their gaze, she shook her head, more in an attempt to clear her thoughts, than to answer negatively before speaking. "Sometimes things are better left unsaid, Elliot, and really, this is one of those times." She went back to staring, this time at the floor.

He walked over to her, leaned down and put his finger under her chin to make her face him. Then he took hold of her arms, slid down to grab her hands and pulled her up to stand in front of him. Without her boots on, he seemed much taller, much bigger than normal.

She knew it was beyond dangerous to stand there like that with him. So, she moved to walk into the living room. He caught her right hand as she did and pulled her back. "Liv, please...just talk to me...we have to figure out...what..." His eyes were searching hers and she felt herself starting to lose her fight for control. She had to strike back before he annihilated the fortresses of her mind, her heart.

"There is nothing to figure out. It's getting late. Shouldn't you be at home with Kathy and the baby?" She watched as he visibly paled. But even that comment was not enough to deter him from his mission.

"Her mother is with them. They're fine." He still had not released her hand.

Pulling away, she was able to put a little more distance between them physically. "Elliot, what is the use of talking about this...this...whatever it is? It won't change anything..."

"How do we know? Liv, I feel like I am losing my mind...I can't go on like...you are..."

"Look, Elliot, I can't keep waiting for you...

"Waiting for me? Waiting for me to what?" He seemed baffled by her statement.

"Nothing, Elliot, nothing...I just need to...for myself, I...I have to...move on, okay...I have to..."

Before she knew what had happened or had time to react, Elliot was on her, in her face. This was a classic Stabler rage in full blown fury. No wonder he had earned the nickname 'the UnStabler'..

"Move on?!" He interrupted her, his voice loud, scratchy. "What do you mean? You gonna run away again? You wanna another partner? Huh? Gonna go back to computer crimes? The Feds? What? Just what the hell does 'move on' mean, Liv? Tell me!" The vein in his neck was pulsating, his face was red, jaw clenching, and his fists were opening and closing, as he seemed to fight for every breath. That new, calmer Elliot was nowhere to be found tonight.

If she left him again, Elliot really thought that would be the end of him. He would finally lose what slight grasp he had on sanity and it would all be over. They would come to get him, put him a straight jacket and he would live the remainder of his life in a mental institution. He felt like he might lose that grasp even tonight.

She was terrified to move, speak, even breathing did not seem like a good idea at the moment. But she knew he expected an answer. Swallowing hard, she began. "Elliot, I just meant that I..can't...I, no, I don't want another partner...and I'm not going anywhere...I just...we...can't be like we were...before..."

"Before? Before what, Liv?" Fury was still raging through him. He had moved closer, grabbing her by her shoulders, roughly holding her. "

"Before...the divorce...before everything fell apart...we can't be the friends we were before..." She was barely able to continue. Her throat was so dry.

"Oh, that's just great! Now you're telling me you don't want to be friends?!" He released his grip on her. "Damn, Liv, you sure know how to slice a guy up with your words! I can't believe this!" He whirled around from her, placed his hands on the door just slightly above his head, leaning into it. He made an attempt to calm down.

"Elliot, that's not what I meant...you will always be my friend, my best friend. I just can't continue to make you the center of my life anymore...you have a family...a world outside of work. I have nothing. I need to start making my own world, too..."

"You have nothing? What am I , Liv? What am I?" The sorrow in his voice, not soft, was heart wrenching.

"El, you're my best friend, but you have Kathy and the kids. I don't belong in that world. I need to make my own..." If only she could make him understand.

"You say you don't belong in my world. Olivia, you are my world. But you don't want me in your world, you don't want me as your friend...don't do this, Liv, please...don't..." He was shaking his head, and she knew by the way he had calmed so quickly, that his hurt had taken the place of the anger. He was hurt. Terribly.

Timing is everything, so they say. Whoever the heck 'they' are, they were right. Because her home phone chose just that moment to ring. There was no way she was about to answer it or even acknowledge that she heard it while they were in the middle of this discussion, argument, fight or whatever you call it.

After several rings, he sighed and turned back toward her. "You gonna get that or not?"

"No. Whoever it is can wait. This is more important." She still stood in the same place.

After the seventh ring, it went to voice mail. In a split second, the tightness in her stomach became nausea. In a split second she knew she should have answered the phone. No, no, no!! She screamed in her mind when the voice came on. Oh, please, please, please no. She closed her eyes tightly, took a deep breath and readied herself for the knockout round with the UnStabler.

"Hey, Liv. Guess you're not home." Dean Porter's deep voice filled the room. "Two things. You free for drinks again after work Tuesday? I'll be over that way for court in the late afternoon. And do you like plays? One of the guys had tickets for "The Homecoming" but his mom's sick so he will be out of state. Offered them to me. Friday night. Give me a call if you get in by 11:30...otherwise call me tomorrow. G'night."

Olivia's eyes darted around the room, fearful of meeting Elliot's cold, hard, stare. Oh, she knew it was cold and hard even without seeing it. She felt it.

"Again?" He snorted. "So, that means you must have had drinks with him at least once? And lunch. Oh, I get it, now. You're dating this scumbag." His voice was so low, it vibrated off the walls.

She felt her blood pressure rising. "He's not a scumbag and I'm single, Elliot. I'm allowed to date and I do not need your permission. I can date whoever I want and you do not get a say in that!" She hissed back. She knew they had to have this talk, settle things between them, but this was not the reckoning she had envisioned. Not at all.

His laugh was cold, almost cruel. "That's right, defend him. This is what all that crap about not waiting, about moving on meant. You're moving on with Porter. You couldn't stand him when you came back from Oregon, Liv. What happened? Huh? Suddenly discover he's rich or something? Or is he your current flavor of the month or maybe just one of your one-night stands? That's right Deany boy...buy her dinner or a drink and you too can be on the list of men who've had their heart trampled by One-Night-Stand Olivia. Just how long are you gonna let him stay in your world? Does he know how you go through guys? Does he know that relationships with St. Olivia never last?" He knew the words coming out his mouth were vicious and unfair, but he could not stop them any more than he could stop the pain that was settling in his heart, threatening to suck the life out of him. He watched as the tears consumed her eyes and her face reacted to every brutal thing he said. He hated himself for it.

That was it. She knew he was hurt. But, damn him, he had no right to be hurt, no right to be acting like she could not date Dean Porter. No right to act like he had some kind of hold over her, or that she owed him an explanation for her social life. And certainly no right to make her sound like a two-bit hooker. She could date every single guy in all of the five boroughs if that was what she wanted. Sleep with everyone one of them, too! And there was not a thing he could say about it. Not a thing he could do about it!

She ran toward him, her vision blurred by tears falling in torrents, screaming at him, pushing him, hitting him in the chest with her fists. "Get out! Get out, Elliot! Just get out!! I don't want to look at you, hear you! I want you out!!" He finally caught her wrists, jerking her to him.

The emotions in her eyes changed rapidly, but he saw every one. Felt every one. Fear, shock, hurt, devastation, anguish and finally anger. There was only one he did not see in her eyes, but felt deeply within himself. Guilt. Guilt because he had put all those other emotions in her eyes, her heart. Guilt because she was right. He had no place saying the things he did, being angry, jealous that she was entitled to a life of her own, a life where he would have no place. He knew he was hurting her, but right now his own emotions were so totally out of control, he simply could not keep himself from continuing on this path. The only way to survive was to hurt her like she was hurting him.

Leaning over her, the gravelly whisper of his voice spat out his heart-stopping words right in her ear. "Oh. Don't worry, Olivia. I'm out of here and out of your freaking world, my friend." The way he emphasized 'friend', made her shudder. The slamming of the door, shook the walls and echoed through the apartment. The winner for round two is...Elliot Stabler. Olivia Benson, stood for just a second, staring at the door, trembling, before she crumpled to the floor and began to cry.

- - - - - - -

A/N: I promise this is EO. Do you like how it is going so far? Is the interaction between Elliot and Olivia believable or out of character? Appreciate your comments and reviews. Thanks! " )