Alice squeezed me tighter than usual when Edward and I arrived home.
"Don't worry," She whispered in my ear. "You'll make it through the next three days."
"I'm not worried, Alice. I trust him."
She squeezed my shoulder in encouragement and bounced back over to her seat on the couch. Jasper approached us next, addressing Edward more than myself.
"Edward, do you want me to…"
"Yes, it can't hurt to try… but if it's too much for you…" Edward responded to the second half of Jasper's unasked question hesitantly.
It didn't take long for me to catch on. Alice and Jasper were the last members of the family to have joined before myself. Jasper's power had not been tested on the pain inflicted during the change. I was immediately comforted by the fact that there may be hope for a peaceful change. I wasn't worried about how much it would hurt me, but if it did hurt a lot, I was certain I wouldn't be able to hide it from Edward, and I didn't want him to see that. But there was a negative side to this experiment also. If Jasper was going to sit there and focus on making me feel less pain, he would share my pain with me. I didn't think it was right for him to make that sacrifice for me.
"No." I decided aloud.
Both Edward and Jasper looked at me, confused.
"I know what you're talking about, and my answer is no. Jasper, you're not going to suffer through the pain of a change again just to make things easier for me. I'm not that big of a pansy. You all lived through it, and it wasn't your choice. Why should I get out easy? I can handle it. Don't torture yourself. Take Alice somewhere nice, or something. Don't stay in the house and subject yourself to that…"
"I'm not going anywhere!" Alice protested from her seat across the room.
"Neither am I, Bella." Jasper agreed with his wife. "I am staying here no matter how much it hurts me. When you wake up, I may be needed."
I gulped at his words. It was a topic that I had discussed in depth with Edward. We didn't know how I would react to the change. No one had ever been changed here before who knew what they were getting into. What if I went insane and tried to kill everyone? I shuddered at the thought and pushed it from my mind. I wouldn't.
"I don't want to hurt you." I whispered in a tone barely audible to human ears. I knew Jasper heard it though.
"How about this, Bella. I will try to make things easier for you… try to make there be less pain for you, but if it starts to hurt me… I will leave. Not leave the house, but I'll just keep my distance from you until the pain is gone. But believe me, Bella, I have a high pain tolerance. I'm sure no amount of pain will drive me away from my sister during one of the hardest times of her life." His sincerity rang in every word and nearly brought tears to my eyes.
I couldn't argue with such a selfless offer, so I simply nodded my acceptance. "Thanks Jasper."
"What's going on in here?" Emmett's vice boomed out as he entered the living room with Rosalie slung playfully over his back.
"Just discussing Bella's change." Alice chimed happily.
"No way! Edward, you're finally going to grow some balls!?"
I groaned and rolled my eyes. This was Emmett's preferred way to pick fights with Edward lately. He didn't mean any harm, but he knew that with Edward's defensiveness on the topic it would normally result in a wrestling match. I moved backwards, taking myself out of the line of fire as Edward leapt forward with a growl and tackled Emmett to the floor. Rosalie had barely enough time to leap from Emmett's shoulders and land beside me before our husbands began the common display of their immaturity. We crossed our arms and looked upon the brawl with the indifference that had been instilled in us after about the 7th recurring fight.
"Ow! OW!" Emmett protested as Edward appeared on his back twisting his arm in an unnatural way behind his back. Suddenly the tables turned and Emmett's look of pain was replaced with a smug victory grin as he gathered Edward into a headlock. In a series of movements that my human eyes could not follow, the upper hand switched back and forth several more times before a sharp pain in my stomach drew my focus away from them.
"Ugh," I winced as I clutched my stomach. "That's weird."
"What's wrong?" Rosalie laid her hand on my arm and studied me with concerned eyes.
"I don't know. My stomach's burning… I feel like there's a gallon of acid in there suddenly…" I groaned.
Edward and Emmett stopped fighting immediately and rushed to my side.
"Are you okay?" Edward frantically demanded. His voice mixing with the concerned "What's wrong with her?" That Alice and Jasper provided from across the room.
"Do you need to use the bathroom?" Emmett smirked. The comment was immediately followed by an "Ow!" as Rosalie smacked him alongside of his head. "I was just asking…" He grumbled.
The light mood in the household was a relief to me. I was so afraid that the family was going to treat me like an unstable explosive for the rest of my life. I suspected that Rosalie had something to do with it, and I appreciated it greatly.
"I'm okay, I'm okay." I assured Edward, who was now visibly preparing himself to call for Carlisle. "Just a random cramp." I waved it off. The pain had come and gone quickly and no traces of it remained. I was beginning to wonder if I was going insane and making up things.
"And I don't need to use the bathroom." I shot a glance at Emmett. "The only reason I would need a bathroom right now is so I could shove your head in the toilet and flush it a few times." I threatened.
"Whoa, Emmett. You better watch out for that one in three days. She'll be after you with a vengeance." Jasper winked from his seat next to Alice across the room.
As the laughter died down, it was replaced with an awkward silence that was rare in the Cullen household. Especially in such close proximity to loud Emmett and chatty Alice.
"Whenever you're ready." Edward whispered in my ear, interpreting my facial expressions.
I met his eyes for a long moment. All the concern and fear in the world were present in those beautiful, topaz eyes, but alongside of that, was a blazing determination.
I nodded my head to signify my preparedness and he nodded back.
"Carlisle want's to see us in his office, first." He informed me.
"Ok." I agreed.
The light and cheery mood of the house did a complete 180 and was replaced, now, with a very serious ambiance as they all recognized the gravity of the situation. This was the last time any of them would ever see me as a human. The last time I would be the klutzy, embarrassable, fragile Bella they had all known. The support and love was visible in every pair of golden eyes and I was suddenly overcome with a very warm feeling. One by one they all said their goodbyes and wished me good luck.
Alice engulfed me in a hug that would have been considered much too powerful for a girl her size and told me that she loved me. Jasper, though I could tell he held his breath, bravely hugged me also. He verbalized nothing, but his eyes held all that I needed to know. Emmett spun me in a circle and whispered something in my ear about going easy on him when I was a vampire. I made no promises. Rosalie placed her hands on my shoulders and stared at me for a long moment before finally saying.. "I think you're making the right choice."
At those words, I was speechless. Rosalie had always been adamant about my humanity. She thought that I was absurd to be giving up everything that she wanted, but she had kept quiet about it since Sam and Seth had brought me home. Tears sprung to my eyes in response and she leaned in closer to hug me. "You're my sister and I couldn't live without you now. I only wish we would have done it sooner so that you didn't have to go through.."
I cut her off.
"Thank you for wanting to keep me." I whispered back in her ear.
"Of course I want to keep you, Bella. You're family and I love you."
I smiled weakly as she handed me over to Edward. He stared at me wordlessly as we ascended the stairs to Carlisle's office, keeping an entirely human pace.
"Come in," Carlisle spoke before Edward had even knocked.
We entered the study to find Carlisle at his usual place behind his desk. Esme was curled up on the leather sofa facing him and she patted to the seats next to her. Once we had taken a position next to Esme, Carlisle began talking. Esme wound her fingers through mine and gave me an encouraging smile as we listened.
"Edward, are you prepared to do this yourself, or would you rather I did it?" Carlisle began in a very straightforward approach.
"I can do it." He assured him. "But I would appreciate it if you were standing by just in case I get carried away." He threw a quick glance at me, "It's not possible, of course, for me to get carried away. But just in case." He promised.
I nodded my understanding, knowing full well that the possibility of him getting carried away and killing me was in fact a reality, contrary to any amount of reassurance he could provide.
"Right." Carlisle continued, "So, the fact stands that Jacob broke the treaty. This means that we do not have to leave before we change her because all rules are moot. We will move in 5 days." He said authoritatively. Esme and Carlisle had bought a cottage on a small island off the coast. We planned to live there for 5 years or so, until I was ready to be reacquainted with civilization.
Edward and I nodded in unison as Carlisle continued.
"Bella, Rosalie and Alice will remove your clothing and buy you new things. The smell of your old human self will not be something you need to experience after your change. We will also change the bedding around the entire house and wash every fabric that smells like you to make things easier."
I frowned. It seemed like too much work on my expense.
Esme caught my expression and gave my hand a loving squeeze. "We did it for every one here, Bella. You're no exception."
"After it has been done, Edward, I will be staying close by. Either inside of the room, or just outside of it. Every change is unpredictable and we don't know how she will react."
I could tell that Edward wanted to protest, but I squeezed his arm gently and silently pleaded for him to restrain his argument.
His protest disappeared and Carlisle shot me a grateful glance.
"I know you want this to be private, Edward, but its too risky."
"Yes." He said simply.
"Right, then. It's settled." He clapped as he stood and walked briskly over to where we sat. Carlisle swept me into a quick hug and then passed me to Esme who did the same before releasing me to Edward. He grabbed my hand and led me quickly out of Carlisle's study and into his… our bedroom.
He stood for a moment with his hand on the door after he shut it. Before he crossed to where I was standing and scooped me into his arms. He stared at me for a long moment before I finally spoke.
"Why wont you kiss me?"
He looked shocked. His grip on me loosened exponentially and he cocked his head to the side quizzically.
"You haven't kissed me in 4 days." I said quietly, staring at the floor.
He didn't speak. There was nothing he could really say.
"It's because of what happened in the shower, isn't it?" I queried.
"I…" He faltered, "I suppose that's it. I just don't want you to… I don't want to upset you."
"You're upsetting me more by not showing any affection at all. The last memory of any intimacy at all is of Jacob raping me." I saw him wince at the words and immediately regretted my phrasing.
"I just don't know how to handle this." He said ashamedly. "It kills me, Bella, to not know how to touch you, to not know how to touch my wife without scaring her or bringing back bad memories."
I didn't hesitate. I needed Edward to touch me. I needed to feel that he loved me, not just hear it. I decidedly leaned forward in his arms and pressed my lips to his forcefully. His returning kiss exhibited all the longing he had built up in him for the past 4 days and he gave himself over to me fully. His lips parted slightly around mine as he carried me to the bed. He set me down cautiously, as if he was waiting for me to push him away. Instead, I pulled him closer. Being close to Edward was so much different than being close to Jacob. It wasn't forced, and when my heart beat began to increase, it wasn't from fear. I curled my fingers around the collar of his button up shirt and secured his body to mine. He cupped his hands around my face and supported his weight carefully so that he was touching me, but not pressing his body weight against me. I slid my hands down his collar and began fumbling with the buttons of his shirt. He froze, his lips still pressed to mine.
"Are you sure you want to do this, Bella?" He breathed against my lips.
"Stop treating me like I'm so broken. It's a lot easier to pretend that I'm not broken when people aren't walking on eggshells around me."
"But you are broken," He pointed out.
"So shutup and fix it." I whispered against his chin before pulling his lips back against my own.
We had made several attempts at making love in the time following our wedding, but Edward's self assessed lack of control had always brought us up short.
Tonight was the first night that our lovemaking was successful. As far as I was concerned, it was just as it should be. Jacob was out of my mind completely and Edward was careful not to push me too far. He let me make the big moves and he let me perform the removal of my clothing to prevent another shower fiasco. Twilight found us laying together, wrapped in the sheets. Edward rested his head on my chest and listened to the steady beating of my heart. My breath caught in my throat as he lifted my wrist to his nose and inhaled my scent heavily.
I met his gaze gently and nodded.
"I love you, Bella." He whispered against my wrist.
"I love you too." I breathed as he pulled his lips back and set his teeth against the tender vein of my wrist and took a deep breath.