Chapter 6:
You could hardly have called this strip of dirt in the middle of nowhere a road. There was little more than a pair of tracks cutting through the woods, and there was every kind of hazard you could think of in their path. There were boulders submerged in the mucky soil. There were downed trees that occasionally lay across their path. There were mud-bogs deep enough to swallow the truck whole, and there were hills steep enough that Patrick honestly feared they had no hope of climbing.
And then there was the fucking trailer.
When they had failed to sell all their swag that last day by the ocean, Fionna had jury-rigged that rolling catastrophe together out of bits of this and that, plying the welder with a zest that frankly scared her boyfriend. That trailer had gotten bogged down in every one of those mud-pits and it had hung up on every one of those downed trees. Patrick had suggested on numerous occasions that they just cut it loose. The junk in the trunk wasn't worth it. With all their gear and all their worldly possessions–his portable laboratory and wizard-working equipment and Fionna's blade-making gear–stuffed into the bed of the truck, Fionna had refused. That stuff was money for them, and she wasn't going to leave it.
So Patrick had been in and out of the truck for most of the day, wading through muck and tieing off the winch-cable to whatever tree or rock he could find. He was a little fried. Honestly, he was a lot fried, and it had taken everything he had not to scream at Fi. She was fighting him over trash. She was risking their lives over trash. And that wasn't the worst of what was bugging him. She was exhausted. Fionna was a mess. She was trying to hide it, but after seeing her naked that morning, Patrick was terrified.
Fionna was shrinking.
He'd seen her ribs that morning when she got out of the pond after washing. That was wrong. Fionna hadn't stopped eating. If anything, she was eating more than usual. And somehow she was still shrinking. Running his hand through his hair, he tried not to stare at her. He was afraid. He'd never been so afraid in his life. "I'm sorry," she murmured. Patrick looked up at her in puzzlement. Blushing, she said, "you haven't looked at me once today. That's... Usually you're always looking at me. My boobies or my butt... I guess I really pissed you off..." "Fi," he pleaded. "It's not that... I'm... I just worry about you... about you being tired..."
Fionna frowned at him. She was about to start in with all the usual stuff about just working too hard. Before his eyes, though, something changed. Something inside her just sort of gave way. She stopped the truck right there on the road, and she began to cry. Laying her head against the steering wheel, she began to bawl her eyes out. Patrick had only seen that side of her once before. Quickly unbuckling his seatbelt, he turned, and threw his arms around his girl. "I'm scared," she whined. "I know, baby," he breathed. "We're gonna' find out what's wrong, and we're gonna get this fixed." Unbuckling her seatbelts, Patrick pulled her into his arms and held her. "I love you, baby," he told her. "My life would be a boring hell without you." That made her laugh.
Sniffing back tears, she said, "thanks for putting up with me." Sliding back into her seat, she said, "wanna' camp? We can find something..." Patrick nodded. He didn't think it was safe for her to be driving anyway. She'd been at it all day, and he'd caught her nodding off twice. Fi put the car back into gear, and they set off again, creeping along through the late evening twilight. Both kept their eyes open for a large enough patch of ground where they could stop, lower the bed in the back of the cab, and get some quality sleep. Spotting a bare patch in the glare of the lights, Patrick said, "that looks good, hon..." Nodding, Fionna eased the truck over to the side of the road and pulled up on the margin.
Patrick lowered his window and looked around. "Looks good," he said. The two popped the locks on the doors and climbed out. Fionna set about the job of laying out tripwires to warn them of trouble, stringing them around the truck and trailer and running the wire up to the windows on the driver and passenger sides. Pat got the bed unfolded and laid out blankets and bedding. Rolling up the armored panels over the windows, he got their ride bunkered in. Then he set about helping Fi rig up defenses.
As Fi sat on the step, Patrick cooked dinner on the gnarly grill she'd welded up. It was crazy sometimes to think about their situation. Here they were, the last two human kids in the world. He sometimes wanted to have a kid of his own, but he wasn't sure that was a good idea. It wasn't that he didn't think Fi would be a good mom. No, what concerned him was his own loneliness. He felt it. There had been days where he could scarcely help it. They were the last viable human couple in the world. Where would their child find love?
"Is it that bad," Fi asked? Patrick gave her a look of puzzlement. With a heavy sigh, she said, "you're brooding. You're looking at me and brooding." Flushing, Patrick chuckled, "yeah, babe. Guilty... just not for what you're thinking..." She gave him that cute little 'you're jerkin' my chain' frown. Smiling, Pat said, "I was kinda' feelin' like we shouldn't have a kid, Fi..." That comment sent a shiver through her. They'd never even discussed babies. Suddenly being sick seemed like really small potatoes. Pat sat down beside her, handed her a sausage, and said, "I kinda' been alone all my life. I got lucky. I have you. Who'd our kid have?"
Taking her dinner, Fi said, "don't go over-thinking stuff again, Patrick. Who says our kid has to marry a human? I'd be happy with a wood-nymph or a grid-person..." Patrick had to admit he'd never thought of that. And the princess of the grid-face people was stacked! Fionna jabbed him in the ribs with her elbow when he said that. "You're stacked too," chuckled Patrick. Fionna laughed. Yes she was. The two shared that laugh for several minutes. Then Fi said, "Patrick?" "Yeah," he replied? Taking a deep breath, she said, "I don't think I'm ready for babies yet. I... we just turned eighteen." Which he well knew. Patrick kissed her cheek and said, "we've got time. Eat your dinner."
Done with supper, the two cleaned up their cooking gear, loaded it in the truck once more, and prepared to turn in. Patrick got out of his muck-laden boots, stripped down, and got washed. Then, after getting into his PJs, he climbed into bed with his girlfriend and locked the door. Dressed in her blushes, Fi snuggled in against him–the back of the truck wasn't very spacious–and Patrick slipped his arms around her. He was getting used to that. It no longer gave him a raging hard-on to feel that slammin' body rubbing against him. With his girl falling apart and looking thoroughly wrung out, he wanted rest for Fi not sex.
Hundreds of miles away, Fionna's sister sat in the back of a seedy bar down on the east side of Candy-Town. She was looking for Reapers. This was her specialty, sneaking around in the shadows and hunting up information from people who didn't really want to give it up. Even with the population of wood nymphs greatly diminished in the kingdom, there were still enough around that nobody thought twice about her presence there in the bar. She hadn't gotten so much as a second glance. She'd come discrete today with no obvious weapons, and she now wore a sleeveless blouse in grey, showing she had no hidden weapons up her sleeves.
It was working. The bar patrons were relaxed and talking, doing whatever it was they usually did in these parts. Scuttlebutt was about the new jacks in town. There was a lot of outside muscle working the streets these days. There were dudes from Wildberry Kingdom and even more dudes from Warrior Kingdom. Star filed that away. It was ominous confirmation of her father's fears. Outsiders were filling the vacuum left by Cherry and her dudes.
As she nursed a ciderjack, a big man came in, looking the part of 'warrior-for-hire'. Scanning the scene, he quickly located the little woman in the back of the room. Much to Star's surprise, he made a bee-line for her. Sitting there sipping at cider, with her feet stretched out before her, the wizard girl looked relaxed. Inside she seethed with fear. She could take this man. She knew she could handle one. How many friends did he have? Did he know who she was? Did he know who she worked for? She could be sucked into something bad like Fi and find herself dodging hired killers. With little Van in the mix, that would be disastrous.
"Evening," the wood nymph rumbled. "Hear you're a wizard," the big man said. Star drawled, "maybe. Who wants to know?" The big fellow helped himself to a seat. Leaning forward, the gangster declared, "I've heard good things about you. Also heard you're in need of work." With a shrug, Star replied, "might be. What's the job? And remember, I'm not cheap..."
The thug ordered up a drink. While he waited, he made small talk. "Don't figure a girl like you's a hitter," he opined. Star chuckled. "Why," she asked? "You expecting me to sell ass instead?" Laughing, he replied, "yeah. Ain't that the usual? Beats dodging knives..." Star was taken aback. Her cold and hostile demeanor usually deflected questions like that. The big man said, "I'm a thug. I'm big, I'm not too bright, and I'm not good with thinkin'. But I'm too greedy to be a farmer..." It was a succinct, if damning, self-assessment. Star just stared at him.
As the waitress left, he flung his arms wide and said, "man's got to know his limits, girlie." Grinning, he added, "girls too." Settling in with his drink, he said, "nothin' wrong with girls in the business..." Fascinated, Star replied, "think so...?" Gesturing–he seemed to do a lot of that–the green-skinned giant said, "girl's gotta' eat. Dudes need t'get it. She gets cash to pay bills, dude gets to shoot his wad. Everybody wins. Only people don't see it's the prudes." Star blinked. That was the last thing she would have expected to hear from this man!
Setting his drink down, the stranger said, "anyways... It's a paid hit. You fix our problem; it's a cool ten thousand coins." Star smiled sweetly. Coolly, she said, "I don't usually spend time on donks like you, but you're a nice sort of mook, so I'll give you this warning..." His eyes showed he was listening. Star pulled her feet off the table, leaned forward, and said, "things are hot here. Finn the Human likes to smash a few guys like you before going to breakfast. Right now, it's worth your life to be part of a gang..." Sitting back, the thug seemed to think about that. "I can see your point," he conceded. Nobody wanted the job, and he'd been forced to come down here looking for a girl who may have done work for the candy princess.
The gangster drew a card, saying, "call me if you need a job..." He put the card on the table between them, finished his drink, and headed out. Fingers toying idly with the card, Star watched him go. That had been interesting. Apparently whoever the target was, he was aware of the foreign interests in the kingdom and didn't trust people who were from out of town. She'd follow up on that. In the now, she finished her drink. There were no Reapers here. Paying her tab, the little woman got up and headed out and down the street.
Her mind was on the report she would write up. The investigation hadn't born much fruit so far. She was no closer to understanding who had sent gangsters to the pig's place than she had been the day it happened. Her dad wasn't going to be happy with the news. It just left him with more unknown players and more missing puzzle pieces. Star was just happy to have the teachers at school off her back and to be connecting with her brother again. Billy was civil at least. He still wasn't really talking, but he would greet her when they met in the hallways at work. One thing at a time, she thought. She had him talking. That was better than the alternative, and she had made him understand that she was there to talk to if he could find it inside himself to open up. It was the idea of being alone–of having nowhere to turn–that caused most people to kill themselves. She thought she'd squashed that at least.
Aware of her surroundings as she always was, she spotted the men hanging around near her ride before they made a move. Making a sharp turn to the right, she sauntered off down a cross street. If they followed, that would tell her something. Need to work on daddy, she thought. Her father was alone and feeling abandoned and rejected. Her mothers were off gallivanting around Wizard City, and they couldn't seem to be bothered with calling home. It was seriously frying her ass, and she wanted to give both of them a piece of her mind. Honestly, she would have belted her biological mother for doing this to him. She'd wished to be in his life, and now she was doing this.
The three dudes hanging around the car had left her ride and come down the street following her. So are they cruising for ass, looking for cops, or slaving, she wondered? She didn't want to appear dangerous. That would jeopardize her investigation. It was important to be the friendly girl in the bar. Taking a sharp left at the next cross street, she wove a quick illusion, displacing her position fifty feet to the right–across street. Then she waited patiently as the chumps came hustling around the corner. They made a bee-line for her double, doing just what she expected. As they approached the 'girl' standing beside the newspaper rack, the wizard took their measure. Plums, she thought. Why did plums seem familiar?
The pack of plums in their dapper five-hundred coin suits surrounded the figure at the newsrack. "You're coming with us," growled the pudgy one on the right. When the figure said not a word, he hauled off and took a swing. His fist went right through the illusion and smacked into the newsrack-with painful results. Star barely kept herself from laughing her ass off as he howled in pain. Even when they'd seen his fist go through her double, the other jokers decided they needed to take a swing at the illusion too. They got similar results, ending up with busted fingers. That put paid to the show. It was kind of hard to beat somebody up with broken fingers, and the pack of them disappeared as fast as they arrived. Star took the next left, circling back to her borrowed car.
The young woman headed back to Banana Guard HQ to work up a report on what she'd seen and heard tonight. Meanwhile, her sister lay dreaming next to her boyfriend of just over a year. They had both had a little trouble getting to sleep. Keyed up as he was, Patrick had especially had trouble. His worries over Fi had a tight grip on him. Now, seemingly moments after he'd gone under, he heard the sounds of Fi's tripwire jingling. Moments later, he heard muttered curses.
"Fi," he whispered? Muzzily she asked, "huh? What?" Shaking her, he said, "somebody's creepin', Fi. Get up." He had her undivided attention now. Scrambling out of the covers, she crawled into the front of the cab and looked out the broad front windows. She could see figures out there just out of sight. Reaching into the console of the truck, she grabbed her sword, popped open the door, and leaped out. "Shit," growled Patrick, as he fumbled his way out of the bed and jumped out the rear passenger door. Landing there on the mucky ground, he found himself facing a half-dozen figures in the darkness.
Need light, Pat, he decided. Weaving a spell, he sent a globe of utter darkness flying towards the figures in the trees. At the last second, he pulled on one of the many threads of his spell, causing the object to flare into brilliant, stunning light. Screams and curses rang out from the blinded thugs. Pat leveled two shortly thereafter with sizzling bolts of lightning. More of them came charging in from the front of the truck. Fionna met them head on, dodging, twisting, and turning as they tried to knock her down. "Hey," shouted the blonde! "Watch what you're grabbing, creep!" She jabbed the offending killer in the jaw with her elbow, stabbed him up with her sword, and dodged back from his mate.
Patrick wanted to help her, but he was facing the few men who hadn't been immediately blinded. Blast-bolts did for three. And then he was diving under the truck as they tried to light him up with arrows in return. "Dammit," howled the wizard as he pretty much ruined his PJs. He went crawling out the other side to find two more mutants there. One tried to stab him in the head with a rusty sword. Patrick got him with a blast-bolt. The other jumped back and shot at him with a repeating crossbow. The Thief King seemed to be running out of money. Earlier in the year, it would have been dart guns.
"I told you creeps t'keep your hands off my boobies," howled Fionna! He heard a scream, but it wasn't hers. Somebody had just died. Patrick zapped the last man in front of him and crawled out from under the truck. Fionna was more than holding her own against the pack of thugs facing her. They always made a bee-line for her. If they spent energy on Patrick at all, it was as an afterthought. That bothered the wizard. He was the guy. Besides, he felt just as responsible as Fi for the death of the Thief King's son.
Standing there in just panties and shoes, with those titanic tatas hanging out for all to see, Fionna Mertens screamed at the biggest mutant thug, "can't you stupid fucks leave us alone for just one night?! Why'd you have to keep fucking with me?!" She kicked him in the knee and broke the knee-cap, dropping him on the ground. The thug backpedaled before those bodacious boobies as Fionna began kicking him in the head and sides of his body. As he crawled backwards, she kicked him in the chest. She kicked him in the arms. She kicked him in the head. She even kicked him in the 'nads. She took great pleasure in giving a rather painful foot-job to the mutant. The sight of all that violence leveled against their biggest man sent the remaining few dudes running into the night.
"Fi," Patrick called. She kept on kicking. "Fi," shouted Patrick! Only then did she stop. "We should get some clothes on," the wizard said. "Right," said Fionna. "You go first. I'll stand guard." Laughing, Patrick said, "maybe I want my girlfriend to put some stuff on. I kinda' like the bare-ass look, but I don't like other dudes enjoying the show." Blushing, Fionna giggled girlishly at him. Which was actually a little creepy in a way. At the same time, that was his Fionna. She gave him a smokin' hot kiss, then got back in the truck to get dressed.