October 4, 1977
To My Beloved Mother,
The gig is up. I can no longer pretend to be a kind, considerate girl. It is a matter of time now before it will have spread throughout the halls of Hogwarts that your daughter is a heinous bitch unfit to be classed as a human being.
I'm sure you would disagree but really that's just you being naturally disinclined to admit to having raised a monster – or should I say another monster as you're also responsible for Tuney? Please set aside your shame and be honest, so that we can be straight with each other moving forward. I am a hag.
It's really not your fault I turned out this way. You raised me to be responsible and composed. If I abandon all reason whenever a boy with stupid glasses and stupider hair comes near me, well, that can hardly be blamed on you. Unless – is there some deep childhood trauma involving someone who fits that description that I'm blocking out? It would explain a lot.
I let this boy goad me into losing my temper and then I did something stupider because of it. You'd be ashamed of me if you knew the half of it. As I already said, you raised me to be better.
It's not entirely my fault. I've surrounded myself with bad influences who have a warped sense of what's funny. Don't worry. As my first step towards betterment, I've already cut one such influence out of my life.
I know I'm a terrible disappointment as a daughter, but I promise I'll be better.
Give my love to dad!
Lily
Lily folded up her letter and tucked it between the pages of her textbook. Charms class was well underway, but Lily had been struggling to pay attention. Shrinking charms were a delightful subject and didn't deserve to be ignored like this. Assuming she hadn't been expelled by the weekend, she'd probably hole up in the library and read up on the topic to make up for her currently wandering mind. Yes, she knew quite a bit already, but there was no upper limit to knowledge.
Writing in a diary had always seemed too self-involved, but Lily was beginning to see the appeal. Getting her feelings onto the page was doing wonders for her fragile emotional state. The whole thing began to seem silly really when she wrote it down.
That she could never send any of the letters she wrote was a guarantee. If her mum were to receive the letter she had just written, she would bombard Lily with owls daily until she stopped being so cryptic and told her everything.
Lily tried to imagine what Petunia's reaction to the letter addressed to her would be. In it, Lily had asked whether Petunia would like her more if she were expelled or would just take it as evidence that Lily was too great a freak even for the freaks. The entire disaster would be worth it if Tuney decided to like her again, but Lily had a feeling Petunia's response would lean towards derision.
Lily tore out another sheet of parchment and angled her body so that Shelia would not be able to see what she was writing.
Dear Alice,
I'm not sorry for the things I said as you are a toad. In fact, you should be grateful I didn't say much worse (all of which would have been true). I don't know how you live with yourself and I'd rather much never find out. I can't understand why I spent so much time trying to impress you as you are so terribly heinous yourself. Self-awareness is the key to a fulfilled life, so I hope you read this letter as the favor it is.
Here is a list of all your faults (in no particular order):
Judgmental
Superior
Fake
Inconsiderate
Rude
Shite at Charms (which you are very lucky you didn't take a NEWT in because I would refuse to help you)
Please know that I shall not miss your friendship or company as you were a terrible friend in the first place.
Most sincerely,
Lily
Well, that was satisfying. Maybe she should send this one. It would be the kind thing to let Alice know where they stood and a little constructive criticism never hurt anyone.
"Are you having some type of breakdown?" Shelia whispered in her ear. "You're cackling to yourself."
Lily shook her head and guarded her letter from Shelia's curious eyes. Shelia, unlike some people, was a good friend but far too nosy. It was obvious that Lily was just having a cathartic venting session. Such things were perfectly healthy.
In fact...
Dear James Potter,
I'm glad to see you are in class and not still trapped in Dumbledore's office. I hope you were not too upset at being falsely accused. You must be used to getting in trouble at this point, right? Or is that something you never adjust to? I'm terrified of getting in trouble. My body starts shaking just picturing what will happen once I'm caught tomorrow. Some advice would be helpful if you have any.
Though, if you don't want to talk to me, I don't blame you. As, again, I got you into trouble.
It hasn't escaped my attention that you haven't looked at me once since the start of class. Is that why? You're mad? Usually you look at me quite a lot, which is a bit creepy as I imagine your reasons for staring at a pretty girl you don't much care for can't be gentlemanly...ew. But, I wouldn't mind if you looked a little today as I'm feeling guilty.
Thank you for not ratting me out to Dumbledore. And know I'm not mad at you for goading me into this stupid bet. I shouldn't have let you in the first place. The fault is mine.
Wait! Are you not looking at me because you're actually paying attention in class?! How can you be trying to win this stupid bet after this morning? The bet is off! It's..
Lily stopped writing and instead studied her nemesis. He really was quite focused on everything Flitwick said, only looking down to take notes. Notes!
This couldn't be happening to her. She couldn't still be stuck in this accursed arrangement with Potter. She'd managed to destroy her Hogwarts career and a friendship by just day three of the bet. What would be left of her life by day thirty? A mismatched pair of socks and her chocolate frog collection?
An awful sense of looking into the future and seeing nothing but doom and destruction overwhelmed her. It had genuinely never occurred to her that this wasn't over. She needed it to be over.
The only marginal sense of hope she could glean from Potter's behavior was that maybe she was overestimating how seriously the staff took thestral attacks and wouldn't be expelled. That would explain why he thought the bet was still on. Surely, Potter had a better grasp on Dumbledore's tolerance for such mischief and would know.
Cling to that thought, Evans, she ordered herself.
Bolstered, Lily managed to make it through the rest of class and actually pay attention. She even raised her hand to offer insight into her experiences with Peruvian shrinking charms and how they offered the caster greater control over the end-size of the object. Flitwick rewarded her with a point for Gryffindor.
When class ended, Lily left with Marlene, Mary and Shelia, in good spirits. They were all finished with classes for the day, except for Mary who had Astronomy at eight, but that wasn't for hours. With a few hours left until lunch, they all went to the Heads' office to hang out. It was the ideal spot because no one ever interrupted them there. Only Lily and James knew the password, and James had never bothered to attend to head business before, so the office was always empty unless Lily had use for it.
They all crowded into the cramped space. Privacy was too rare at Hogwarts for them to complain about the size. Lily sat in the same chair James had the night before with Mary across from her. Shelia and Marlene hopped up onto the table and sat between them.
"Ok, I've been dying to know what kind of Head Girl scoop you have on the events of breakfast. Spill! I'm hoping to steal the article right out from under Nick Jones' nose, so leave out nothing," Marlene ordered.
"I am sick to death of talking about this. I'm instituting a ban. You won't get anything out of me, and if you three insist on discussing it, I'll chuck you out of my office," Lily said firmly.
"Are we allowed to just ban subjects we don't want to talk about? Because if we can, I'm drawing up a list," Mary drawled amused.
"That isn't fair, Lily!" Marlene shrieked. "This is going to be front page news tomorrow. Do you really want that loathsome Jones getting the story? Huh, do you?"
"Jones isn't that bad. I always thought his sister, Hestia was quite nice," Shelia said.
"I don't know about that. All I know is that Jones called my column drivel and now he's going to suffer," Marlene said a bit more evilly than Lily had known was possible coming from her bubbly friend.
Mary's answering expression was fierce. "Let me do some digging and I'll write up an expose on his personal life. He has to have some secrets we can get."
"Geez, you guys are vicious," Lily said.
"May the punishment fit the crime," Mary shrugged.
Comforted that Nick Jones would indeed pay, Marlene forgot to be angry with Lily for denying her an interview. Lily wondered if perhaps a love of retribution shouldn't be added to the list of Gryffindor traits. She and her friends seemed to lose a little perspective when confronted with someone who had wronged them.
"I don't really want to get into the whys, but I thought you all should know that Alice and I have had a falling out. I don't expect any of you to take sides or anything like that, but I don't want to hang out with her," Lily said, patting herself on the back for her maturity. There was no need for her friends to suffer just because she couldn't look at Alice without wanting to pull out her hair.
Lily was quite shocked by just how vehemently her friends responded.
"Oh thank God!" Marlene squealed as Shelia cheered and Mary closed her eyes as if in prayer.
"Err, what are you guys doing?" Lily asked.
"Don't get us wrong, we love Alice -" Shelia began.
"We really, really do," Marlene interjected.
"But she's been out of control for months now," Shelia said.
"She told me we had to stick together because we're the ugly ones in the group!" Marlene cried.
"You can't have forgotten Monday when she said it was annoying having to worry about my wounded ego," Mary said dryly.
"Just last week, she told me that I was so shallow an ant couldn't drown in me if I were a body of water," Shelia added.
Unable to formulate a response, Lily just blinked at their outburst.
"We all want to be sympathetic. She's clearly going through something after McIntyre chucked her, but there is a limit, Lily," Mary said.
"Honestly, the only reason all of us haven't ditched her by now is that, well, you were so adamant about being there for her as she was going through it all. You made us feel like shite friends for even considering it," Shelia explained.
Lily thought back on the past couple of months. She had completely missed that her friends had been pushed past the point of patience. No one had ever said anything to her. Yes, Alice had said such awful things to all of them, but they had all known she was just lashing out. Hadn't they? Friends were supposed to stick by each other when they were in crisis. Lily had just done what she thought was the obvious thing, what was expected of her.
"You...you've only been her friend all this time because of me?" Lily asked.
"No!" Marlene said emphatically. "Alice was great, and we all want to keep being her friend. But maybe she needs a bit of a kick in the head to understand that she can't continue on like this forever."
"It's not fair to the rest of us," Mary agreed.
"So, what are we suggesting here?" Lily asked.
"Nothing too dramatic. It's not like we're saying none of us will ever speak to her again. That would be a bit extreme. Just, maybe none of us speak to her for right now," Shelia answered. "Eventually she'll apologize to everyone and we can move on."
"That will be so lovely. I miss the old Alice," Marlene said dreamily.
A kernel of doubt wedged its way into Lily's thoughts as she considered what they were saying. There was a big difference between Lily refusing to speak to Alice and all of the Gryffindor girls doing it at once. Despite what Shelia said, it seemed a little extreme. Lily couldn't imagine how awful she would feel if all of her friends stopped speaking to her at once. It would be terribly lonely.
But at the same time, they weren't suggesting they do so out of defense of Lily. They didn't even know what Alice had done. No, they all had their own personal grudges that they were acting out, and it was hardly Lily's place to try to force them to be friends with Alice when she herself wasn't willing to do so.
"This is going to be so much worse than when you two had that falling out fourth year," Lily said, indicating Marlene and Shelia.
"I don't know if it can be much worse than that," Mary said thoughtfully. "Or at least I hope not."
"That's right! I'd forgotten that I was still mad at you," Marlene teased.
"Oh get over yourself. Elian Harp didn't even know you existed. I hardly stole him from you," Shelia said lazily.
"He may not have known who I was, but he was going to by the time we were married. I had made a wedding collage! That kind of thing is sacred," Marlene said severely. "And then you swooped in and stole him. You think you can get away with anything where boys are concerned just because you're walking around all waify and perfect."
"I am rather good-looking aren't I?" Shelia asked pleasantly.
Marlene got a conspiratorial look on her face and leaned in. "I'm not supposed to say, but we're actually working on a list of the most attractive students at Hogwarts for the paper. It's going to be a special edition. The professors would never approve so we're going to have to distribute it underground. The whole thing's very hush hush."
"That's amazing," Shelia said, her attention completely diverted. "Am I on the list?"
"Let's just say, that based on the current list – we still might make some changes – you're in the top three amongst the girls," Marlene said, tapping her nose.
Shelia clapped her hands happily at the news. Lily wondered who at the school could possibly be edging Shelia out for number one, because despite her immodesty, Shelia wasn't wrong when she proclaimed herself beautiful. Her skin was flawless, smooth and dark. All of her features were big – big, expressive eyes, lush, full lips – resting on her rather small face with an adorably pointed chin. She was more model than believable teenage girl.
"Who's my competition?" Shelia asked.
"I don't want to give too much away," Marlene said in a voice that made it clear she would cheerfully give everything away. "But I can say that one girl who's up there with you has the initials, CV."
"Bloody Celia Vance!" Shelia said. "She's not that pretty!"
As far as clues went, the initials Marlene had provided had not been subtle. There were only so many exquisitely beautiful girls at Hogwarts and everyone agreed that Celia Vance was one of them.
"How dare you! Celia Vance is a goddess!" Marlene howled. Celia Vane was something of an icon to Marlene and she had devoted quite a bit of her column to explaining just what made the Hufflepuff sixth year so wonderful. "She's so pretty that I get confused every time I look at her."
Arguments over whether Celia Vance was deserving of her place on the list were interrupted by Mary having a bit of a coughing fit. She accidentally knocked a stack of quills off the desk and bent down to pick them up, still choking on her own saliva.
Once Lily had checked to make sure Mary was okay, she said, "I think that having a list like that is degrading. Don't you think it's weird having some students assess you and compare you to everyone else? What about someone's personality or their brain?"
"There's talk of having a most eligible bachelors and bachelorettes list as well. That would consider everything: earning potential, charisma, smarts, you name it," Mary said.
"I'm not sure that's much better," Lily said.
"Are you upset because I didn't mention you in the top three, Lily? Because you are! I wasn't going to bring it up because I didn't want you and Shelia to fight each other about who's prettier, but you're the other girl in the top three, so you don't need to feel bad about yourself," Marlene said consolingly.
"I wasn't feeling bad about myself. I...me in the top three?" Lily blurted out.
False modesty was annoying, Lily reminded herself. There was no point in acting too surprised about it. That she was good-looking was not news to her, and she refused to get caught up in the competition of the thing. It didn't matter whether she was in the top three or the bottom five, the list was still immature and demeaning.
"It's not like they're only making a list ranking the girls," Shelia said. "If they were, then yes, I'd agree that's pretty degrading, but the boys are being put through the same scrutiny."
"It's different for boys though. I have a hard time seeing Regulus Black throwing a fit when his brother beats him out on the list," Mary said.
"It would be funny if he did. Can you imagine?" Shelia laughed.
Mary was right. Lily really couldn't imagine the two brothers shouting at each other over who was the more handsome. It really didn't take that much of a stretch to picture her and Shelia going at it though. Maybe that was just because they were intensely competitive by nature and less to do with their gender. Marlene and Mary certainly weren't at each other's throats over their placements on the list.
"I still think the whole thing's stupid," Lily announced. "But if it matters, Shelia, I think you are much prettier than Celia."
If Lily had to shave her head bald, she was not going to be dragged into some sort of beauty contest with Shelia. One ruined friendship in a day was enough. She wouldn't be able to face herself if she lost another because they were spatting over who had the thicker eyelashes.
"Blind! All of you are blind!" Marlene said in defense of Celia but let the subject drop.
They chatted in a similar fashion for a while longer before eventually giving in to the need to start on their homework. Lily always put off her Transfiguration even though she knew it was a terrible idea and now had to buckle down. Getting her work done would have been easier if Marlene hadn't also happened to put off her Potions assignment, which was due tomorrow as well. She bothered Lily the entire time for help with her answers.
The hour for dinner arrived quickly and the girls left, all cheerful with their homework completed. Lily felt a pinching in her chest at the prospect of reentering the Great Hall for the first time since that morning, but was able to push it aside. A few hours laughing with her friends had given her a sense of serenity that she wasn't going to allow to be shaken that easily. She wouldn't be facing the consequences alone no matter what. Her friends would be there for her as they always were.
Marlene was mid-sentence when Sirius Black plopped down into the seat beside her, joined by Peter Pettigrew. Comically, Marlene kind of choked on the words in her mouth and turned a startling pink. Her eyes turned toward her friends imploringly, begging for them to explain what was happening.
"I have a problem, Evans," Black said directly. "Peter here says that he believes I stole his broom-cleaning kit. Now, I've already told him that that's preposterous as we're mates and mates don't do things like that, but he doesn't believe me. So I told him that you'd vouch for me as you know I would never do a thing like that."
Lily struggled to find words for a moment. "Do you need someone to take you to Pomfrey?"
"Where has the friendship from this morning gone? Dumbledore's office, ring any bells?" Sirius began to do a dreadful impression of Lily's voice. "Oh, professor, Potter would never ever do a thing like that. He's such a good, nice, handsome boy. And his friends aren't rubbish either, I suppose."
He threw his head back and laughed at Lily's expression. She supposed it had been too much to hope that the prats would just say thank you and let the issue drop. No, it seemed kindness was always punished.
Mary raised an imperious eyebrow, so Lily rushed to explain. "I just told Dumbledore I didn't think Potter was involved in whatever happened this morning is all. Black's making it out to be a bigger deal than it was."
"You seemed pretty concerned, Evans, and you have been making up reasons to spend time with James lately. This little bet you have going could just be a desperate attempt to get closer to him," Black said deviously. Though everything Black said sounded a bit devious so that didn't mean much.
"You've caught me!" Lily said, throwing her hands up in the air. "I'm madly in love. What a relief not to have to hide it anymore."
Sirius nodded sympathetically. "He's in the boy's dorm right now. Go on and snog him senseless, dinner will still be here when you're done."
Lily scowled but was saved from answering by Shelia asking if Black knew anything about Quidditch practice for next week. Black wasn't on the team as he didn't seem to be much of a team player, but he did keep up with the sport and with Potter as a best mate, usually knew more than the team about their future plans.
While, they were talking, Alice entered the room and walked over to join them. Lily motioned with her eyes to Mary, who glanced over her shoulder to see what was happening. There was a collective stiffening as all of the girls prepared themselves for what was to come. Lily mostly just felt angry again, seeing how nonchalantly Alice was weaving her way over.
Alice sat down beside Marlene and across from Shelia. As if it had been discussed, the two girls turned their shoulders, blocking Alice out from the conversation. Lily only allowed herself a brief glance at the bewildered Alice, before staring resolutely at her potatoes. Mary was doing the same.
"Well I've had a shit day," Alice announced. "You wouldn't believe what -"
"Shelia, what do you think of Ravenclaws prospects for beating Slytherin?" Mary asked coolly, her voice blocking out whatever Alice had been about to say.
There was a collective beat of silence, which allowed the situation to sink in for everyone at the table before Shelia answered, "Pretty good. I know Slytherin has the better offense, but Ravenclaw's keeper is ridiculously talented. Most days I want to push him off his broom he's so good."
"Wait, are you all not talking to me?" Alice asked, her voice rising as she pieced together the implications of their behavior. "I have one fight with Lily and you all turn on me! Did she even tell you what we're fighting about? Because I haven't done anything wrong here!"
"But then again, Slytherin also has the better seeker, and I suppose if it's a low-scoring game it won't much matter if Pucey steals the snitch. What do you think, Sirius?" Shelia continued as if Alice hadn't spoken.
Sirius looked like he wished he was anywhere but at the table in that moment. He was glancing nervously between all of their faces and making incoherent little sounds. Pettigrew wasn't faring much better, all but twitching at the tension that was rising between the girls.
"Bugger all of you!" Alice shouted furiously.
She flung herself away from the bench, knocking her fork off the table in the process and marched straight back out of the Great Hall. Lily had never noticed how interesting her fingernails were until that moment as she refused to watch Alice's progress.
Alice would be fine. Like the girls had said, this was temporary for them. Once Alice grew up a bit, they would all forgive her. Well, maybe Lily wouldn't as she was angry for something far more serious than a bit of hurt feelings, but Alice wouldn't be friendless forever. Besides, she had other friends she could turn to like...the Marauders sometimes...and hadn't she spent some time with the Ravenclaw sixth years before? Yes, Lily hadn't seen her interact with them since her breakup with Rory, but they were still around.
"Girls are terrifying," Peter whispered fearfully, drawing Lily's attention.
"Yes, they are," Black answered back.
Peter was eyeing them all like they had just turned into a pack of vicious hyenas that had gone for Alice's throat. They just didn't understand the situation. If they did, they would surely not judge any of the girls. They were just doing what had to be done.
Apparently watching four girls summarily banish their friend from the dinner table made for uncomfortable viewing because Black and Pettigrew excused themselves almost immediately afterwards. They hadn't been exactly welcome in the first place, so Lily didn't mind. If they'd insisted on sitting with them for the rest of dinner, they wouldn't have been able to get a word out of Marlene.
"They think we're evil," Marlene said in disbelief.
Shelia shrugged as if such a thing were perfectly natural. "Men think all women are bitches anyways. Even if we treated everyone like we were perfect angels, they'd still think we were just hiding it and tearing into each other once we were alone. It's not like they're going to shun us over it."
"What do you think you'd have to do to get a guy to think you're too terrible to date?" Mary wondered.
"Why do you ask? Trying to scare off Ian?" Shelia questioned.
"Haha, very funny. If I want to chuck Ian, I'll just do it. I don't need to frighten him into dumping me," Mary said. "But, no, I was referring to the fact that there's probably a difference in what one of the top three prettiest girls in Hogwarts has to do compared to the rest of us."
Shelia pouted a bit before answering and Lily knew it was because she had been hoping to glean some insight into Mary's relationship with Ian. For having dated for over two years now, Mary acted perfectly ambivalent toward her boyfriend at all times. They spent Hogsmeade weekends together and occasionally had lunch but that seemed to be the entirety of their interaction. Shelia's theory, shared only with Lily, was that Mary was a robot incapable of feeling anything. Lily leaned more towards their relationship just being a routine at this point. They had started dating so long ago and they were just too lazy to break up with each other now. Kind of like how Lily had been so accustomed to her friendship with Alice, she hadn't bothered to reevaluate it until that morning.
Most of dinner was spent on concocting outlandish scenarios Shelia could commit and then answering whether it would indeed be enough to scare an amorous boy away from her. They got rather into it, and with each scenario would have to answer whether the boy in question was a virgin, which house he belonged to, and did he have a good relationship with his mother, all deemed important factors in how a boy would react to a Shelia on a rampage.
After that, they were stuck convincing Marlene that yes, she was pretty enough that a boy wouldn't be put off by her bad behavior either. Once that was settled, dinner was practically over. They were just about to stand up and leave when Professor Dumbledore stood up from the professor's table to make an announcement.
"Starting tomorrow, we will begin our investigation into the culprits behind this morning's mischief. We will be moving methodically throughout the student body until we find the person who is responsible. I have posted a schedule to let you know when you are to report to the grounds with Professor Kennedy for the test we have designed to find the guilty party. Your professors are aware that you may have to miss some class time for this reason. Thank you and please enjoy the rest of your evening," Dumbeldore said calmly, before returning to his meal.
"I wonder what kind of test they're talking about. They can't possibly be planning to use Veritaserum on students. They'd need to get a special ministry dispensation for that," Mary said as they all scrambled towards the schedule that was posted just outside the dining hall.
It seemed that half the student body had the same idea, so they had to fight their way to the front of the throng for a chance to read it. From the looks of it, they were testing by year, starting first thing with the seventh years and dividing it alphabetically. Seventh years, last names A through E were scheduled for first thing tomorrow.
"I can't believe they're expecting the three of us to miss lunch for this!" Shelia complained, referring to her, Mary, and Marlene who all shared surnames starting with the letter M. "It's not like anyone actually thinks any of us could be behind it."
Lily didn't acknowledge them. She wasn't sure any noise would come out if she tried to open her mouth. Today had been a lovely reprieve. She had known that since Dumbledore's office, but it was going to catch up with her first thing after breakfast tomorrow. She shouldn't have even bothered to finish her Transfiguration homework as she wouldn't have a chance to turn it in.
"Lily are you alright?" Marlene asked, noticing that Lily wasn't joining in with the conversation.
"I just have to -" Lily didn't bother to even finish her sentence before dashing off.
Now they were guaranteed to know that something was terribly wrong, but Lily didn't see the point in worrying about their reactions. Trying to put as much distance between her and her friends as possible, she sailed through the halls until she reached the Astronomy Tower. She figured that she had a few hours left before couples looking for a place to snog would have need of it and Astronomy class wasn't for another hour. She hoped that would be enough time to ensure her a little privacy.
And Lily desperately needed privacy for the breakdown she was finally going to allow herself. The day had been bizarre, a tumultuous ride of every emotion on the spectrum, but up until then Lily had done a pretty decent job of keeping herself together. There had been no tears, no tantrums, but maybe a girl deserved to have a cry after a day like this. Maybe crying was invented for days like this in the first place.
So, huddled up in the corner overlooking the Black Lake, Lily did just that. Fat tears fell so fast and so thick that Lily didn't even bother to wipe them from her face, allowing them to slide down the slope of her neck and drip onto her blouse. There seemed to be so many things to cry for that Lily didn't bother to sort through them, sobbing out her feelings with a blank mind.
To an extent, she was crying for everything she was sure to lose. Her life had been filled with so many losses that she felt she should be used to the sensation by now, but really the frequency of loss just made her bitterer towards it. Everything just kept getting stripped away.
Worse, she was crying out of pity for herself. She was shaping up to be a terrible Gryffindor. All day she had been afraid and unable to face it. There wasn't a shred of bravery in her, and if she were truly so noble, wouldn't she have turned herself in rather than risk inconveniencing her professors? When she'd thought James and his friends would take the fall, she had rushed there to help, but it hadn't really occurred to her that she might turn herself in to save them. If there hadn't been a sure fire test to prove their innocence, would she have let them pay the price to save herself? Lily was sure that whatever the answer was, it wouldn't be flattering.
Disappointment with herself was definitely there in the mix, hot and heavy and hard to confront. Lily had standards for herself and the world around her. She expected people to meet them because she pushed so hard to conform to them herself. Often Lily would complain about Petunia and her ridiculous insistence on maintaining what's normal at all costs, but Lily knew they weren't really all that different. Lily may have made room in her heart to accept magic and some colorful characters, but she still sat about and judged the world in much the same way from her perch of superiority. Where had the superiority disappeared to now? It was hard to figure out how she should orient herself in a world where she was just as bad as everyone else, where she'd failed. So much of who she was had always been based around who she was not: a troublemaker, a tart, a poor friend, a bully. It left her entirely unsure how she was now supposed to work out who she was without that clarity of understanding.
The door to the Astronomy Tower creaked open and Lily frantically wiped at her tears, knowing it would do no good but trying all the same. She wasn't sure if she was horrified or relieved when she saw the person who entered was Potter. Having your enemy see you at your weakest wasn't good strategy, but at least it wasn't a death-eater wannabe or heaven forbid a professor. He looked alarmed when he saw her there, eyes rimmed red and face wet.
"Come to gloat?" she asked hoarsely. It took enormous willpower to choke back a sob and she ended up hyperventilating a bit, but she didn't think he noticed.
"Of course not," Potter said. "What are you doing up here?"
"Having tea. What does it look like I'm doing?" Lily spat.
James shifted back and forth on his feet nervously, clearly unsure if he should approach or stay where he was at the door. "Err, it looks like you're crying, but I didn't think you had tear ducts so that doesn't make sense."
"You've seen me cry before," Lily said, continuing when he looked confused. "Second year when I burnt my hand on that venemous daffodil. I cried then."
"Oh, yeah, I'd forgotten about that. That was a long time ago," Potter said.
"Yeah, it was."
Something in Lily's face must have told him it was safe to approach because he walked up and sat down beside her on the floor. He was sitting close enough that she could feel the warmth coming off of him, which she was terribly conscious of, having become cold in the windy tower without her robes to keep her warm. She remembered their discussion from just yesterday about retiring robes in classes and wondered if maybe they did serve their purposes. Hogwarts was terribly drafty.
"Sirius told me that you had some kind of row with Alice, and I saw her in the common room and she seemed pretty upset," James said gently. "Is that what all of this is about? Because I'm sure you'll make up whatever's wrong."
"You actually didn't figure it out?" Lily wondered incredulously.
"Figured out what?" James said blankly.
Lily wasn't sure why she thought it was a good idea to confess to James Potter when she hadn't felt willing to confide in her closest friends, but it was all pouring out before she could stop herself. She told him how she and Alice had "borrowed" the thestral and about the whistle that had made it behave so erratically and how she hadn't expected things to get so out of control.
When Potter started to laugh, Lily was very tempted to push him right off the tower. His body splatting on the ground below probably wouldn't even be so disgusting as to make it not worth it. The arse.
"Sorry," he wheezed when he saw just how angry Lily was becoming. "Of course I knew that was you this morning. Once you burst into Dumbledore's office to defend me, it became rather obvious. There was no other reason you'd be so sure it wasn't me. In fact, if you weren't behind it, you would have been in there pointing fingers straight at me yourself."
"Then, why -?"
"Because it's not worth crying about. It's not like Dumbledore's going to chuck you out of school because you broke a few tables. I'll let you in on a little secret," James whispered conspiratorially. "This is a school for wizards. They just fixed those up with magic."
"But people got hurt. Jerome had to go to the Hospital Wing to make sure he didn't have a concussion!" Lily protested.
James laughed again. "If sending a few students to the hospital wing for minor injuries got you expelled, I would have been gone a long time ago. Hell, Quidditch wouldn't be the school sport either. Talk about concussions, I've had four from getting brained by bludgers and you don't see anyone rallying to ban the sport do you."
"Actually, I wrote Dumbledore a letter in third year explaining that Quidditch should be banned because it was too dangerous for students," Lily admitted, a little humor entering her voice.
"You didn't! What the bleeding hell, I...you have terrible taste, Evans. Sometimes you're actually a parody of yourself," Potter muttered in outrage.
That Lily had wanted to ban Hogwarts Quidditch seemed to be much more alarming to him than that she'd sicced a thestral on him that very morning.
"You really don't think I'll get in that much trouble?" Lily asked a little tearfully.
"Oh, you'll be in detention until you're gray. Can't believe you've already used up your one time you can get caught a week. You're making it too easy to beat you in this bet, Evans," James grinned.
Lily noticed just how charming that grin really was. He had remarkably good teeth, straight and strong, which was the norm for most wizards as they had praiseworthy dental practices. Still, there was something disarming about his and the way his eyes lit up along with it. No wonder he'd been able to talk his way out of so many situations. Lily wondered why she had never truly noticed before now.
Musings over James Potter's obnoxiously handsome face were interrupted by a rather horrifying thought. Lily had been so convinced that the consequence would be expulsion that she had never considered what would happen if they allowed her to stay.
"You don't think they'll take Head Girl from me, do you?" Lily whispered.
James didn't immediately respond which was answer in itself. Lily's mind set off in panic, picturing the scene and the fallout. Everyone would know that she'd had the badge taken away. They'd have to name a new Head Girl to take her place, probably Freida White, who was far less deserving of the title than Lily and would be so awfully smug about the entire thing. Her parents would be informed. Petunia would find out!
And worse than all of the talk, Lily would have to live with herself afterwards with the designation of Head Girl ripped away from her. Call it silly or shallow, but being head girl mattered to her. The badge was the physical proof that all of Lily's work to keep herself composed and on the right path was acknowledged. It took such constant self-policing to be Lily Evans, and Dumbledore had recognized that when he named her Head Girl.
It was at this point that Lily began to hyperventilate in earnest. Potter panicked, probably unaccustomed to sobbing witches – really Shelia was right, boys were easy to frighten. He patted her on the back awkwardly as if she were choking on a piece of pork rather than having a breakdown as she watched her life slip away from her.
When that didn't work, Potter pulled her into his body and slung an arm around her shoulders. Her head tucked naturally beneath his chin. It felt lovely, but that's not what calmed Lily down. No, Lily had already come to terms with the fact that Potter was going to see her cry, but crying in front of him and crying on him were two different matters entirely. She was not prepared in the slightest to sob her worries onto her enemy. And yes, maybe he wasn't exactly acting like an enemy at the moment, but the principle of the thing remained the same. She could throw every bit of her life away in a day, but at some point, she had to take a little bit of control back and this certainly seemed like the time, so even though it was bizarrely tempting, Lily managed to shut her mouth and rein in her tears.
She didn't pull away immediately, wanting to make sure her new found self-control wasn't a fluke and she wouldn't start bawling the second she looked at him. It was awfully nice, the leaning on Potter. It was probably because it was forbidden. The things Lily forbade herself were usually the most enjoyable – chocolate except on Fridays, sleeping in past ten on the weekend, staying in the shower after ten minutes. She would just have to add cuddling up to Potter to that list.
Deciding that she was fine, Lily pulled herself out of James' grasp. His hands dropped away instantly.
"If you're really that worried, I can tell Dumbledore that it was me," James offered quietly.
There was such softness in his expression that Lily was almost more affected by his face than his words. It was such a kind thing to offer, so out of character for the James Potter she had gone to school with for so long. The Lily of three days ago would have believed he was setting her up, planning to out her to Dumbledore instead, but the Lily of today believed him.
She believed him and, oh God, did she want to take him up on it. There was the escape that she had been longing for all day. No one needed to know what a mess of a person she truly was. She could remain head girl and live her life as she always had just with the promise to never make a mistake like this again. It was so easy to picture just nodding her head and agreeing with his offer that Lily almost believed it was actually happening and not just in her imagination.
Instead, she said, "I can't let you do that."
"It's alright. I get in trouble all the time and everyone expects it of me. Head Boy doesn't mean anything to me like it does to you either, yeah. Just let me do this," James insisted.
Lily remembered how he had thanked her for not telling Dumbledore that he wasn't fulfilling his duties as Head Boy. She thought that maybe being Head Boy meant a lot more to him than he let on.
"I don't think being Head Girl would mean anything if I let you take the blame for me," Lily said.
The realization burned through her. She valued being Head Girl because it meant that she was living up to her own standards. If she threw all of those away just to keep the position, then what did that make it?
People made mistakes. Lily made mistakes. Sher didn't get to run away from them or bury her head under the covers because facing up to them was hard.
"What are you going to do?" James asked. He still looked put out that she was refusing his help, but he had at least accepted that she wasn't going to be swayed on the subject.
"Tell Dumbledore everything and maybe cry a bit if I think it'll make him go easy on me," Lily said honestly.
"Manipulative!" James laughed. "I'll have to try that next time I'm the one in trouble. I wonder what Dumbledore would do if I just burst into tears mid-lecture."
Lily smiled as she imagined the scene.
"The only thing I don't get is what your problem is with Williams," James said, changing topics. "She helped you out and now you're not speaking."
Lily was less than thrilled with the shift in conversation. Maybe Lily had known all day that she was overreacting when it came to Alice's part in their disaster. She just hadn't wanted to admit what she was really feeling. People made mistakes, even her. She had literally just accepted that fact. So the same forgiveness should be applied to Alice, and yet...
"I don't think we're really fighting over this morning," Lily admitted softly. "I think there have been a lot of things wrong with us for a while, wrong with Alice and the other girls too. This was just kind of an excuse."
James frowned as he thought this through. "Can't you talk about it, whatever it is?"
"Not really. You see, if we told Alice what was truly wrong...it would hurt her, like really hurt her. So, I've just been pushing it back all this time but with all the emotions of the day, it just kind of snapped out of me, and I don't know where to go from here," Lily explained.
"I'm not going to pretend I understand everything about your friendship. I don't. But I do know I would be pissed as hell if all my mates just stopped talking to me one day with no explanation. I wouldn't think not telling me was for my own good," James said, looking a bit cross.
He thought she was a bad friend. The realization was so unexpected that she almost laughed before the shame took over.
"Alice is just...difficult."
"Difficult? Have you met my friends? Hell, have you met me? Difficult doesn't matter when it comes to your mates. If you're mad, you punch your mate in the face and you move on," James said.
"I don't think punching Alice is a good idea. Not the least of which because she'd actually murder me," Lily said.
"Well then whatever the girl equivalent is," James said stubbornly.
Lily sighed. "I think this is the first conversation we've ever had where we haven't ended up arguing with each other. Can we please not ruin it over Alice? I'm tired."
It certainly looked like James wanted to argue, but he relented with a tight nod. Lily had always known that James was a loyal friend. She couldn't live in the same castle with him and the other Marauders without knowing. Hell, they'd named their friend group! Who but a bunch of nerdy kids completely in love with each other would do a thing like that? That his convictions about friendship extended outside of his immediate circle and to her situation, however, was still a little surprising.
Lily wasn't ready to forgive Alice. That she hadn't done the proper research, fine, forgiven. But there was so much more behind it all, and sorting through all of that would expose so much about Lily that she didn't want to confront as well as leave Alice an emotional shell on the floor. It was better to wait. Another night, another day, they would talk and cry and everything would be fine again. Tonight, however, Alice would have to live with knowing that Lily was angry with her.
Wow, Lily was ready to get out of this stupid tower. It was cold and forever going to remind her of this shitty night. She stood up and James followed her.
"Walk you back to Gryffindor Tower?" he offered.
Lily shook her head. "I have to go talk to Dumbledore. Thanks though...for everything."
James stared at her and Lily was struck by how rare it was that someone truly looked at her and not just gave that cursory glance that came with already knowing the basics of somebody's features. She was probably blushing from the intensity of it. How did someone break away when they were being studied like that?
"It was nothing," James said finally in reference to her thanks. "Have a good night, Lily."
"You too, James."
With more bravery than Lily knew she had in her, she turned around and headed off to Dumbledore's office. She felt a surprising lightness that must have come from doing the right thing and even though the castle was still dreadfully cold, Lily was cocooned in a spreading sense of warmth.