Title: Bringing Up Baby
Author: Isabelle
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I do not own Gossip Girl, and Chuck Bass is not locked in my closet. But Blair might be ;)
Spoilers: Post 2.16. After avoiding one another, Chuck and Blair arrive at the Van der Bass home to find a small child left for the Bass family. This follows the first 48 hrs of C and B adjusting to having a small child to care for and realizing they're anything but over one another.
A/N –A special thank you to Tati, my always faithful beta *kiss*
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(Chapter 6)
Saturday, 7am
"Oh, my God!" Serena cried, disgusted.
Nate was just confused. "Wait… It was the baby? Where did you get a baby from?"
Richie quickly lost interest in the other two and went back to his morning cartoons. Chuck stood up from the bed. The baby instantly noticed and let out a warning cry. Chuck sighed and sat back down on the bed, watching as Richie relaxed.
Serena and Nate stared in confusion while Blair sighed and sunk back to the bed.
"He's attached," Blair said from between the pillows.
"Mimi," Richie said, burrowing happily into the silk sheet.
"How long is he going to be here?" Serena asked, arms crossed. Nate looked disgusted with life.
"I'm having him investigated," Chuck explained, and Nate raised a brow.
"What? Did someone just drop him off, like, in a basket?" Nate asked, and Blair and Chuck blinked at him.
"No way," Serena shook her head in disbelief.
"You can't keep him," Nate stated the obvious.
"We're not keeping him," Blair put in. "We're babysitting. Kinda of."
Nate and Serena exchanged looks.
"Nannies are coming to interview in an hour. We'll find someone suitable and hand him off," Chuck continued.
"We can't hand him off," Blair snapped at him, pulling the baby to her.
"I didn't mean it that way!" Chuck cried back.
"But you're just ready to pass him off just when you're becoming attached," Blair seethed, eyes narrowed.
"What are you trying to say?" Chuck shot back. Richie stared between the two, confused.
"You smell like pee," Serena told Nate.
"That the moment you begin to care about something, you pull back –"
"Why don't you just say what it is that you want to say?" Chuck snapped.
"I don't smell… Oh, I do." Nate frowned, and Serena nodded.
"Well, I'm not letting you," Blair said, pulling the baby from the bed as she stood.
"Are you wearing Chuck's pajamas?" Serena asked Blair.
"Yes, she is," Chuck replied.
"You want them back?" Blair growled at Chuck. Richie sucked furiously on his pacifier, his eyes wide.
"No, he doesn't," Nate managed in a placating tone.
"Well, he's getting them back!" Blair cried and set the baby down. Richie let out a scream. Serena blanched, Nate winced, and Chuck's eyes narrowed as Blair began to unbutton his pajamas.
"What are you doing?" Chuck narrowed his eyes.
"I'm giving them back!"
"You're making the kid cry," Nate attempted to avoid the impending doom.
"Can't keep your clothes on, can you?" Chuck hissed.
Blair let out an unearthly growl.
"Miss Blair!"
The four stopped as they turned to look at a very disturbed Dorota standing in the doorway. Richie let out am even louder wail, his little hands at a loss, no longer holding a pacifier. Blair quickly pulled the silk shirt tighter over her chest, covering herself. Nate let out a breath, Serena stared at the baby, and Chuck was still glaring at Blair from the bed.
"What is happening?" Dorota demanded, then looked at poor Richie, who was staring at her pleadingly. "Oh, poor bebe!" She walked to him and quickly picked him up, sending a glare to Chuck, whom she was sure was to blame for all of this. Richie whimpered and cuddled against Dorota.
"He started it, Dorota," Blair snapped, pointing at Chuck, which created a comic scene as his shirt was so huge on her that not even her hand was visible.
"Shower," Serena scrunched her nose at Nate, who sent her a withering glance.
"Shower," he conceded and left the room before any other fights could ensue.
"I need to… go," Serena announced and quickly turned and left. Dorota rounded on Blair and Chuck.
"Why are you wearing this?" She asked, looking over Blair. "And, Miss Blair, your hair."
Blair fumed, then calmed down when she saw Richie eyeing her wearily. "I'm sorry!" She said to the baby, who whimpered and hid his face in Dorota's stiff collar.
"Now he's upset," Chuck ground out and threw Blair a look.
"Thanks to you!" Blair snapped back.
"You're the one who was desperately undressing in front of Nathaniel," Chuck accused.
Blair's eyes widened as if slapped. "Charles Bass, I hate you. I hate you, I hate you!"
Chuck's nostrils flared.
"STOP IT!" Dorota yelled, Richie let out a loud wail. "You act like small children!" She snapped. Blair and Chuck gaped at her. "Now you have bebe. Now take care of bebe."
She promptly handed Richie to Chuck, who blinked at Dorota.
"Take bebe bath, get him clothes, feed bebe, and play with bebe." She then spoke in Polish, which made Chuck's brows furrow. Blair watched him in near amusement (if she wasn't so very upset at him, she might have laughed). "And no more fighting, eh?" She huffed and placed a large suitcase on the bed with Blair's clothes. "I go. Miss Eleanor very upset."
"No, you can't leave me," Blair insisted.
Dorota cast Chuck a dark look. "You be ok, Miss Blair."
"No, Dorota, you don't understand. The baby hasn't let us sleep. I can't do this without sleep," Blair insisted, her sleeves falling past her hands. She looked helplessly as the maid bustled out of the apartment. "Dorota!"
Blair whined after her. "It's peed on us, there was crap everywhere, he doesn't like his toys –"
"Good practice, Miss Blair," Dorota said, pushing the elevator button.
Blair's eyes widened. "What does that mean?"
Dorota shrugged as she stepped in the elevator and turned to look at Blair. "You want this boy, yes? You want marriage, yes? Well, bebe always come. Good practice."
And the elevator closed while Blair gaped at the closed door. Chuck came out of the room with a pacified Richie in his arms.
"Mama," Richie said when he spotted her. Blair sighed and leaned against the wall, throwing a glowering stare at Chuck, who met her stare right back.
"So… that means she's not staying?" He suggested, attempting to hide a smirk. "At least now I can have my pajamas back."
She scowled at him and marched past him to her luggage. Richie mumbled to Chuck some words, and Chuck nodded, hefting him up. "Yeah, she's pissed."
Saturday, 8am
It had taken Hilda, their daytime maid, a full ten minutes to assess the situation. She mumbled in another language, throwing glares at the teens as she went about the usually pristine apartment and tried to arrange things.
That was when Chuck's phone rang, and he quickly took the call because it was from Mike. Blair listened, now dressed in pressed slacks and a modest blouse, as she attempted to comb Richie's hair. They'd just bathed him despite protests and cries, and a local children's store had delivered some baby clothing. Blair had picked out three little outfits, which Richie eyed doubtfully.
One was a pair of lovely cream corduroy pants with a pressed white shirt and a sweet argyle sweater with a pristine mini-bowtie. Blair was partial to it, but wondered how they would get the baby to accept his little bowtie. She had a feeling he would yank it off and throw a fit.
The second outfit was designer mini-jeans and a yellow polo shirt with a tiny little jacket to go with it and shiny black leather shoes. Chuck was partial to that one, but she was worried it would take them forever to get the jeans off when they had to change the diapers (which Chuck reminded her once more that they would no longer be doing, and that had started another argument).
The third outfit, which Serena had insisted on, was a pale blue monstrosity with little lambs and clouds. Chuck had pointed out that, with the matching hat, the child was liable to get confused with a walking ball of cotton candy, eaten by the staff, and never seen again.
Mentally, both Chuck and Blair had discarded the third option, but Serena was hanging around while she waited for her strawberry pancakes to be made and kept saying how baby blue was totally Richie's color.
Nate was once more asleep, now showered, snoring on the sofa. It became humorous when Richie began to stick cheerios in his nostrils.
Chuck had to pull him away, and the baby threw a fit at being removed from his new favorite pastime. So Blair combed his hair as he stood before her in diapers and chewed on the left over cheerios. He offered her a soggy one.
"No thanks," she scrunched up her nose and continued listening to Chuck's conversation.
"Ok, nice work, Mike. See how fast we can get him here." And he hung up. He looked down at his phone, his tousled hair falling slightly over his forehead. He was now out of the pajamas and in one of his impeccable suits. He glanced at Blair, who looked questioningly at him as she set Richie's new baby brush down.
"He's got a dad…" Chuck said carefully. "The mom… kinda kidnapped him."
Blair's eyes widened and looked at the baby, who was lining up his cheerios on the twenty thousand dollar couch and talking to them as he made little train noises.
"Kidnapped?" She gasped.
Chuck nodded, his jaw clenching. "Yes… She was supposed to have him for a weekend, but she's had him for a little over a month."
Blair let out a breath. "Why wasn't this reported?"
Chuck glanced at the baby, who had carefully selected the best cheerio, in his opinion, and stuffed it in his mouth. "The dad's here illegally."
Blair's mouth formed an O.
"Mike's looking into it, see what type of a person he is… We'll see." He looked down and stuffed his phone in his pocket.
"You're having him investigated?" Blair asked, though she knew the answer. It was such a Bart thing to do that seeing Chuck also fall into the patterns his father had taught him sat uncomfortably in her stomach.
Chuck threw her another glance. "We don't know what sort of person he is."
"But he's his dad…" Blair said, and then wisely decided to drop it. "Ok, fine." Chuck was staring at the baby as he made little train noises, and Blair understood. Chuck Bass was already attached to the baby. Who knows… Maybe she was, too.
She stood up abruptly and took the outfit that Chuck had preferred and brought it to the baby. Richie eyed the outfit and promptly backed away and into Chuck.
"No, no," he murmured.
"He's a nudist," Chuck smirked at Blair.
Fifteen minutes later
Richie was now hiccupping softly, nestled in Chuck's arms as Blair tied his last shoe. It was official. The kid hated clothing.
"There!" Blair said brightly smiling at the baby, who was furiously suckling on his pacifier and nearly glaring at her. "All done. Not so bad, right?"
"It was bad," Chuck corrected.
"Stop encouraging him," she snapped. "And how did I end up being the bad guy?"
"Next time we'll rock, paper, scissor it out," he joked.
"Mr. Bass." They were interrupted by Hilda, who looked like she'd been working for hours instead of forty-five minutes. "The agency has sent the first nanny." And she threw a look at the child responsible for the chaos in the house.
"Show them to the living room, Hilda – we'll be right out," Chuck nodded, and the woman left them. He turned to Blair and set Richie down on the floor. The baby stared at them, suckling furiously. Blair held out her hand, and the baby reluctantly took it, still not happy that his freedom had been taken away.
"What exactly are we looking for?" Chuck asked as the three of them made their way to the living room.
"Someone of pristine morality, good manners, overall cleanliness. And who speaks English," Blair counted off as he stared at her.
"I'll let you take over, then," Chuck shrugged. They spotted the woman sitting down, looking in wonder at the apartment. She had her hair tied in a bun at the back of her head and wore a simple gray dress and thick black shoes.
The moment Chuck spotted her, he quickly turned around, making Blair run smack into his chest and Richie fall on his butt, confused.
"Bass –"
"Take the kid away," he commanded, and Blair blinked up at him, clearly confused. But his face was serious, so she didn't question it, just grabbed the baby and walked away.
When he waltzed back into the room, he wore a serene expression. Richie had decided he liked all of the trains that had been brought in for him the night before. He was currently running a line down Nate's sleeping leg.
"What was wrong with her?" She snapped, annoyed at being left out of the loop.
"Did you see her fingernails?" He asked, aghast.
Ten minutes later
"What was wrong with that one? She looked perfectly fine," Chuck asked crossly. Blair glared at him.
"Oh, she was fine, alright," she snapped.
She'd been a freaking Amazon princess, and Chuck had lapped it up, especially when she said in her little accent. "Oh, I just love cuddling children." And her breasts agreed with her.
"She reminded me of my au pair," he defended.
Blair crossed her name off the list the agency had faxed over. She crossed it out violently.
"And what you did with her is illegal in all fifty states. Can you focus?" She growled.
He watched her diligently put the lists in order with her little notes. He loved what a nerd she was, all she needed was little tortoise glasses and the fantasy was fulfilled. She'd always been the nerd of the four, with her neuroses and her books and her obsession with school and college.
She caught him staring at her. "What?"
He shrugged and allowed Richie, who was climbing behind him, to run his favorite red train cart over his hair. Blair smirked at him as the train went over Chuck's eyebrow.
"Choo choo!" Richie cried, laughing.
"Yes, shoo shoo," Chuck replied, though he was by no means annoyed. Blair could tell by the way he relaxed as the baby climbed all over him.
"Ok, who do we have next?" She asked.
"The one with the mole," Chuck said, preventing Richie's wandering feet from crush his balls.
Blair made a face. "Ugh."
"Yeah. She wasn't it, either," Blair said as she crossed the next potential nanny off the list. Serena wandered in, now fully dressed and confused by their little nanny roulette.
"How many is that?" Serena said wearily.
"We're on number eight. But it's going by fast," Blair assured her.
"Because you hate all of them – there was nothing wrong with the Russian one," Serena pointed out.
"The baby didn't like her," Chuck explained, and his sister rolled her eyes.
"Why don't you guys just care for the baby until Mom gets home, and then let her handle this?" Serena asked, munching on a grape and handing one to Richie when he demanded one.
"Chuck, cut it for him, or he'll choke," Blair said and watched as Chuck took the small green grape from the baby (he threw a fit) and cut it in half, then handed one piece back. The baby settled, but the juice of the grape sprinkled all over Chuck's shirt. He glared at Blair. "Serena, I don't have time to do all of this, but we can't hand the baby over to just anyone."
"The elderly lady looked nice." Serena took a seat next to them.
"No. She was from Idaho," Blair said resolutely.
Serena was at a loss. "And…?"
"Serena," Blair chided, almost as if she were speaking to a small child. "Everyone knows that people from Idaho cannot be trusted."
Serena laughed, and Chuck agreed with Blair. Serena shook her head, walking out. "Only you two understand one another."
"Next!" Blair cried out, and Hilda threw her a glare as she went to get the next woman.
"So what happened to the nanny?" Nate asked wearily when Blair and Chuck came back into the room with the baby in tow. Richie was holding onto Chuck's hand as they walked in.
"Unacceptable choices, that's all they sent us," Blair sighed. "So we've decided to care for Richie until Lily comes home."
Nate and Serena looked over at them doubtfully. "You are caring for the child? The two of you?"
"Yes," Chuck said, feeling more and more comfortable with their choice. They could do this. Feed it, clothe, it, take it to the park. Hell, they were experts at the diaper changing.
Richie stood very still next to Chuck and wore a look of concentration.
"Is that a cheerio in your hair?" Serena asked Nate.
Nate doubtfully touched his head and, sure enough, one was stuck there. "Oh, man!"
Blair smiled. "At least you didn't find the ones in your nose."
Nate stared at the baby. "I think something is wrong with him."
The all looked at the baby, who was slightly red in the face. Blair bent down and looked at him. "What are you doing?"
Chuck looked down worriedly and also bent down, staring at the baby, who in a moment looked relieved and smiled at them.
"What happened?" Serena asked, leaning forward.
"I don't know…" Blair said doubtfully.
"Caca…" Richie said happily, and Chuck groaned loudly.
"I've got to go," Nate sprinted off the couch. "Vanessa's waiting."
"Wait up! I'm headed to Brooklyn," Serena said after him.
Chuck rounded on Blair angrily. "Nanny long legs is not looking so bad now, is she?"
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Tbc…