Jonathan Crane was back in Arkham Asylum after a failed attempt to unleash fear gas in a football stadium, stopped in a timely fashion as usual by the Dark Knight Detective. Still, he was trying to see his current incarceration as one of those glass-half-full scenarios, since the Arkham Library had recently acquired a rare collection of antiquarian Gothic novels. He was on his way back from the library to his cell in a good mood, carrying an armful of books, when he was suddenly seized around the collar and slammed against the wall, staring down into the furious eyes of the Joker.

"All right, nerd, tell me the truth!" he hissed. "Is it true?"

"Is…what true?" stammered Crane, who was no stranger to being manhandled in this way by bullies. He was having a brief flashback to his high school years, where he had been shoved into his own locker a record one hundred and eighty-seven times.

"You know what I'm talking about," growled Joker. "College. You and Harley."

"Harley and I what?" asked Crane, puzzled.

"In college!" roared Joker, slamming him against the wall again. "You taught her psychology, right?!"

"Y…yes," he stammered.

"And did she sleep with you?!" he roared.

Crane stared at him incredulously. "What?" he gasped.

"Oh, don't play dumb with me, you disgusting sleazeball!" hissed Joker. "She slept with you, and in exchange you gave her good grades, that's how it worked, right? And it wasn't just you, was it? Tell me the truth or I'll beat you to death with your own books!"

"I…haven't the faintest idea…what you're talking about!" he gasped.

"Mr. J, put him down!" shrieked Harley, who had rounded the corner to see the situation. "It's not true! I told you it's not true!"

"Why would someone make up a lie like that, Harl?" demanded Joker, rounding on her.

"I don't know!" cried Harley. "But it's not true! And frankly I'm a little annoyed that you'd believe some crank letter over your girlfriend! You were my first guy! I'll swear to that on anything you want! On my mother's grave!"

"Your mother ain't dead!" snapped Joker.

"On my grandmother's grave, then!" shrieked Harley. "On the life of our future kids, I swear I ain't never slept with any other guy but you ever! All the grades I got in college I earned fair and square by doing good in school!"

Joker dropped Crane to the ground. "I ain't having any future kids with a lying little slut!" he snapped. "So you can't swear on that, so I don't believe you!"

"Yeah, well, I ain't having any future kids with a dumb jerk neither!" retorted Harley.

"Good! Why doncha go back to sleeping with the Professor if he's the kinda nerdy guy you want?!" roared Joker. "I ain't touching you ever again, you filthy tramp!"

"And why don't you just go watch some more porn?!" shrieked Harley. "Because that's the closest you're ever gonna come to sex anymore, since you ain't gonna find any other dame willing to put up with you!"

"Why not? You found guys willing to put up with you!" shouted Joker.

"For the last time, I didn't sleep with my teachers!" screamed Harley. "Believe Johnny if you don't believe me! Tell him, Johnny!" she cried, turning to Crane, who had been watching the whole thing in confusion.

"I…can assure you, I have never had the pleasure of Harley's company in…that way," stammered Crane. "As…utterly incredible as I am sure it would be," he added.

Joker studied him for a moment, and then beamed. "You think it's incredible, huh?" he chuckled. "Guess you're telling the truth then – guess you ain't ever had her, or you'd know better!"

Harley slapped him hard across the face. "You horrible, dumb, insecure creep!" she shrieked.

"Harley, you can't blame me for being paranoid when I read something like that," retorted Joker. "But look at it this way – I wouldn't get so angry and irrational about accusations like that if I didn't really care."

Harley glared at him coldly, and then her face broke into an adoring grin. "Yeah, guess you wouldn't, puddn'," she purred, leaping into his arms. "Oh, Mr. J! You do love me!"

"Will one of you please explain what on earth is going on?" demanded Crane, as he gathered up his books again.

"Oh, Mr. J just received this anonymous letter accusing me of sleeping with my professors in college to get good grades," said Harley, shrugging. "And naturally since he loves me so much, he got a little overprotective," she cooed, ruffling his hair.

"Why would anyone make up a story like that?" asked Crane.

Harley shrugged. "To hurt me or Mr. J, I guess."

"What I do with my own body is none of your business, Harvey!" came Poison Ivy's voice as she stormed down the hall. "It wouldn't be your business even if you were my boyfriend, which you're not! I'm an independent woman, and I will engage in any business offers I see fit, without your input!"

"If it's true, Pam, if you're doing this, then we're over for good, do you hear me, you ungrateful bitch?!" roared Two-Face, storming after her. "I wouldn't touch you if you paid me! Especially if you paid me, because I ain't a whore like you!"

"Screw you, jerk!" she shrieked, slamming the door to her cell in his face.

"Isn't it sad that some couples have to fight all the time?" sighed Joker. "Poor bastards."

"What's the matter, Harvey?" asked Harley.

Two-Face held up a piece of paper. "I just received an anonymous letter saying that Pammie's been in touch with that porn company who made Selina's movie asking if they'd be interested in having her perform! After all that crap she said about it being unfeminist, now she wants to star in one!"

"I'm allowed to change my mind, you creep!" shouted Ivy through her cell door. "If it's true, which it might not be! And even if it was, it's none of your business!"

"Oh yeah? What would it do for my reputation to be dating a porn star?!" he roared.

There was a moment of silence. "Might help it, actually," muttered Joker.

"What's that supposed to mean, Mr. J?" snapped Harley.

"I just mean that some guys might think that's pretty cool," replied Joker. "Not me," he added, hastily, noticing the look in her eyes. "Just...some guys. Who aren't me. I think it's disgusting."

Harley glared at him and sighed. "Thought you would have learned your lesson, Mr. J. Oh well – I'm sure we can find a substitute naughty stick in here," she said, dragging him off.

"It's the cat bitch's fault, all of this," muttered Two-Face, crumpling up the letter. "I'm gonna remember this and pay her back. The moment I get outta here," he said, storming off.

Crane stared after him, and then sighed, picking up his books and heading back to his cell. Perhaps it was all part of his optimistic mood, but for the first time in forever, he was grateful not to be in a relationship.

The End