Thursday, 6 May 1813

How foolish of me! How absolutely foolish! In the letter I sent to Lizzy today, I sent her some sketches I had done - one of all of us sisters together, one of the lake near home and one of our home - and asked her opinion on them, but I hadn't realised that I had accidentally placed my sketch of the Colonel in with them! Oh, I am so humiliated! How could I be so foolish? I wrote to Lizzy as soon as I had discovered it missing and asked her to send it back, hoping I could at least have it back by the end of the week. She will laugh senselessly at me, especially at how I mentioned the Colonel in my letter to her!

In other news, the Colonel and I still have not spoken alone, but we do frequently sit in the drawing room in the company of others.

Yours,

Caty Bennet

Monday, 10 May 1813

We still have yet to hear word on Lizzy and her condition, but earlier in the afternoon, we did receive a letter from Miss Darcy telling us how our sister was doing. She said that Lizzy had only just left her bedchamber a few days before, still feeling ill, but her letter was dated with Saturday's date. She also sent back, in a smaller envelope, my sketch of the Colonel with a note that said 'I've been in correspondence with my cousin; you've captured him very well. If you're as fond of him as he is of you, I encourage you to show your affection'. I was rather humiliated that Miss Darcy had seen my sketch and even further worried that she had told the Colonel of it, so I had decided that today was a good day to have that discussion he had been hoping to have...

Early in the morning, before the Colonel himself had left his room, I had slipped a note beneath the door telling him to meet me at the lake, as I had intentions of spending the day there painting it. I had done quite a few sketches and decided instead to try my hand at painting, bringing a few powdered pigments and a jar for water. I had with me a larger sketchbook in which I would sketch out the scene in charcoal, outline it in pencil and then paint in the colours. I was still in the process of sketching when the Colonel arrived behind me.

"You asked me to meet you here, Miss Caty?" he asked suddenly and I jumped at the disturbance of silence.

"Oh! Yes, Colonel, I did indeed," I said. "Do stand there in front of the lake, I think my painting would look far more wonderful with you in it." He complied, standing about five metres from me in front of the lake.

"You're painting today?" he asked, and I nodded. "In what medium?"

"Watercolour," I replied. "It's the easiest to transport and besides, my family can't quite afford oil..." I flushed at the embarrassment, not liking to reveal my family's financial status to anyone, let alone a gentleman.

"If you would like-"

"No!" I stopped my sketch and looked up at him boldly, then flushed even more. "Forgive me, I... I very much like watercolour. It's light and portable and less of a mess to clean..." I returned to my sketch, starting on his figure; it was the only thing missing from the sketch.

"Did you summon me here to sketch me, Miss Caty?" he asked after a moment.

"No, I only thought of it as you approached," I replied honestly. "I believe you wanted to have a conversation?"

"Yes, I did... So much time has passed since that I fear my memory on the subject is poor."

"I apologise for delaying, Colonel. I must admit, I've been a bit coy about it..."

"As most young ladies are." We sat in silence a little longer before he spoke again. "The weather is most certainly fine today. Lots of birds singing and rabbits hopping about. I do believe that the weather is so fine, the fish in this very lake behind me are being drawn to the surface, only for the birds to catch them for their supper." At that, I started giggling and had to lift my charcoal from the paper before I ruined a line.

"Colonel, please stop moving or I shall ruin it!" I said with a smile.

"Miss Caty, you could never ruin any of your drawings. You have such a fine and stable hand and even a flaw will be seen as a perfection," he replied, returning the smile.

"Colonel, I've only been drawing for a short period. I've barely developed a style, let alone any skill," I told him.

"And yet, you have gained so much skill in that short period of time, Miss Caty. You are truly a gifted artist and that is coming from your subject." I smiled and did not reply, as I was doing my best to sketch the details of his face. I noticed then how square his jaw was and how stout he truly was, but never mind that; he had handsome features still, such as a pair of exciting eyes, a noble nose and a strong smile. When I glanced up again, he was watching a bird in a tree, not even paying attention to what he was doing. I watched him step back to try and get a better look at the bird, not even noticing his approach to the bank of the lake.

"Colonel!" I cried as he slipped off the edge. Throwing my charcoal and sketchbook aside, I leapt up and ran to him, grabbing his wrists and pulling him back over the grass before he could fall in. I lost my own footing and fell backwards, bringing the Colonel down on top of me in what would have been a very compromising situation had we been witnessed. For a moment, we lie there rather disillusioned, and when he looked into my eyes, I felt every emotion I had felt ever since the Colonel arrived. Sadness, confusion, happiness, all of it was there in my eyes for the Colonel to see. I believe... I believe that was the moment I fell in love with him. As I looked into his eyes, I knew right then and there that I loved Colonel Fitzwilliam and that it was more than just some silly teenage infatuation with a redcoat.

"Thank you... Miss Caty, thank you for pulling me from that fall," he said after a moment, then pushed himself off of me and onto his feet. He assisted me with standing, then held both of my hands in his. "Forgive me for falling on top of you. I fear that that part was out of my control." He waited a moment, then smiled when I began to giggle and joined me until we were both laughing.

"Stand back over there, now, so I may capture your colours properly. And don't fall into the lake, Colonel! I might not catch you next time!" I said with a laugh, and he did as he was told. He remained until I had finished the painting nearly three hours, then he stood over it and admired it.

"You've captured the landscape so well, the entire thing is beautiful! Except for that hideous creature there, what is that thing?" he said, referring to the image of himself. I didn't bother suppressing the giggle.

"Nonsense, Colonel! The scene couldn't even compare!" I replied.

"You've made me far too handsome, Miss Caty. Are you sure you're not mistaking that for me?" said the Colonel, pointing to a bird that I had painted in the sky.

"No! No, of course not, Colonel, and I did not make you 'far too handsome'," I told him as I met his eyes once more. "I painted you as I saw you." He gave me a gentle smile, then glanced down at the painting in his hands.

"Might I keep this? After you've signed it, of course."

"I would be honoured." With a smile, I used my waning stick of black charcoal to sign 'C. Bennet' in the bottom right hand corner of the painting. He assisted me in collecting my things and walked with me to Longbourn, the two of us discussing some of our favourite paintings, portraits, types of landscapes and such. It was such a comfort to be in the Colonel's company and so refreshing. Perhaps it was because he was not either of my parents or any of my sisters but instead, someone completely new and different. It made me sad to think that, surely, he would be leaving soon.

Yes, his departure was imminent and it pained me to imagine my life without the Colonel. I had gotten so used to life with him in it that one without him was quite unimaginable and I did not want to lose his company. I dreaded the day he would tell me he had overstayed his welcome. Truly, I didn't believe he ever could overstay his welcome, but I had been learning his character and I could tell he was starting to become restless. As I prepared for supper, I thought back to the note from Miss Darcy encouraging me to display my affections or at least make them more noticeable, so I sought my sketch of his face and decided to show it to him after supper.

When I did, the smile on his face made him appear to be the handsomest man I had ever seen. Even any features that weren't very attractive appeared handsome and his smile made his face glow. Of every man I had ever met, the Colonel made me feel as if I had a place in the world. Any man that had shown me affection in the past had had his notice of me deflected to Lydia or Jane or Lizzy or sometimes even Mary, but the Colonel? He never looked twice at Lydia, never spoke words that suggested an admiration of Mary or Lizzy, never called Jane the most beautiful of the Bennet sisters nor suggested her to be the most beautiful girl in Hertfordshire... If we shared each other's company in a room, I would often catch him watching me, I would occasionally overhear him telling Jane kind words about me and on more than one occasion, he had called me the most beautiful girl in all of England. Nothing the Colonel did escaped my notice any longer and nothing I did escaped his, so I began to wonder if he, too, held feelings of sentimentality for me.

I do believe that I love the Colonel. I have harboured romantic feelings of love in the past, but surely, they were only passing passions, even the ones I harboured for young Mr. Fairfax. I say so because never before had these passions been so ignited as they are now for the Colonel. I cannot even think of him without turning pink and smiling like a foolish girl. The Colonel gives me feelings that no man had ever given me before and treats me as no man ever had before, but the question remains: does he love me as I love him?

Yours,

Caty Bennet