A/N: hey! it's been a while. I really don't have much to say? Don't worry about the next updates because they will arrive quicker than usual, i really want to finish this fic soon so i'll be working hard to offer new chapters as soon as possible. This one is a little shorter than the previous ones, but i think the upcoming chapters will reach the default YNM world count, haha.

enjoy the chapter!

«Yes, No, Maybe»

Chapter 6: With A Determined Heart To Forget You

NOTE: I do own Sayanara's consent/agreement to both keep posting our stories in the same platform despite the similarities between our fics. We both are OK with each other and we have discussed our issues in private, as it should be. Thanks.

Two months later.

It all started with a text message.

Haise needed something. Something from his brother, Kaneki, who would rarely ever answer his calls, who would never really reply to his constant messages, all of them filled with an absurd amount of unnecessary emoticons. Touka didn't really understand why Haise thought that Kaneki would be prone to answer her messages instead, and now that she had his number scheduled on her phone (with the name of Bakaneki) it was a lot easier for Haise to just save the nuisance and ask her to send Kaneki a message in his place.

The first message of many.

To her surprise, fifteen minutes later—but not like she had counted them—he answered back, something that pissed her off, forcing her to reply with fingers wrapped in fury, and Kaneki had taken advantage of it to answer back, to keep her on the chat for a little longer before Touka put the phone away and asked herself what the hell she was doing. In a lapse of two long months, Touka's replies that were meant to be Haise's had disappeared up in the chat, loaded with stupid conversations that nothing had to do with Haise, or the favors he needed from Kaneki. Touka didn't even need to send him a message anymore, he would have the courage to contact her on his own, sometimes to send Haise a message, and sometimes just to share a childish conversation that would probably end with a sharp "fuck off" from both of them. Touka often wondered what it was, the slight smirk on her face as her fingers rapidly tapped the letters on the keyboard, or the way that she sometimes would grab her phone in the middle of a conversation with someone else, expecting to see something on the screen, hoping that the alert would sound and maybe find his name on it, Bakaneki, as she had named him.

It was stupid, and she forced herself to not think about it that much but maybe, just maybe, the fact that she wasn't thinking at all, was going to bring unspeakable consequences.

Like right now.

Touka looks at the clock, rapidly getting all her stuff inside her purse: her phone, her keys, her mint bubblegum. She's not particularly late, one of the many perks of being your own boss, but it was already 11 o'clock, an unusual hour to open up her shop and Haise had already left to work, which meant that many CCG investigators would probably stop by :re for a coffee in their breaks, and she was running late.

She sighs, searching for her coat when she hears the doorbell ringing several times. Her body tenses, eyes flicking up to the entrance, not really being able to predict the situation. Could it be Haise? Maybe he forgot his keys? But he'd left hours ago. Touka walks to the door and opens it widely, finding a guy from the courier service, holding a box in his hands.

"Good morning," he greets, bowing briefly. "I have a package for Kirishima Touka."

She scratches her back, nodding and slightly surprised. A package? Who would send her a package?

"Y-Yeah, that's me."

"Oh, good," he grabs his folder, handing it to her along with a pen. "Please, sign here."

Touka writes her name on the paper and once she's done, he delivers the box and bows again.

"Have a nice day."

"You too," her eyes are on the box as she closes the door, frowning and trying to find a name, but there's nothing.

She places the box on the floor, kneeling in front of it, and grabs a scissor from the nearest table to cut the edges. She manages to get out a black box from the inside, so shiny that she can see her own reflection in it, and the mystery surrounding it makes her go desperate to know what's inside. She opens the top of the box and whatever the content is, it's covered and wrapped in a bright, red velvet. On top of it, there's a white paper, folded in two. Her brows frown deeply, unfolding the paper, reading what's written.

"Dear Kirishima-san.
Words cannot express how delighted I am for the latest conversations we had shared, to know that our beloved friendship has gotten stronger in the past few months, it fills me with an absurd amount of joy, I cannot even put it into words. I couldn't stop thinking about you since that first message, and because of that, I remembered our last trip to that restaurant and how excited you were for Christmas, so I thought about sending you a little gift, a bit early for the holidays since I'll probably be out of town by that time, I haven't decided yet.

In any case, I hope you enjoy it.
P.S: If you're not sure how to use it, just call me, I'll be glad to help a friend."

Touka didn't even need to read the letter twice to know who sent it. She keeps her eyes on the name at the top, Kirishima-san, written with the elegant calligraphy of hands that couldn't be human, and she realizes that her eyelids don't blink even once, keeping her breath down in her lungs until they start to burn.

With quivering fingers she unfolds the velvet in the box.

The first thing she sees, are handcuffs.

Black handcuffs. Different sizes. One pair that seemed to match the shape of her wrists, and another that could easily fit around her neck. Then, a red blindfold. And a long, thick leather whip, and a black lingerie that was way too thin to cover anything at all, filled with holes of all different sizes in the most unusual places.

Touka stares at everything in awe, forgetting how to blink.

What — the — fuck?

Her hands rapidly grab the letter to read it again, faster this time, and as her eyes approach the final letters, her hands wrinkle the piece of paper with more intensity. In a second, the paper is gone, turned into a ball on the ground, and her feet are stumbling towards Haise's nightstand, searching for his notebook where he kept Kaneki's address. She finds it in a second, writing it down on her phone, and as faster as her body allows her, she puts back everything into the box again and leaves her house with a whole new destination.

The customers would have to wait.

—o—

Touka arrives at the building in less than thirty minutes.

She looks up at the construction from the sidewalk, holding her phone with the address and the black box. She had been here before, but she had never entered the building or his apartment. Whenever Haise would drive up to Kaneki's place, it was usually him the one who would enter his apartment, while Touka preferred to stay in the car waiting for him, simply because she wanted to keep her distance.

This was the first time Touka was going to enter his apartment.

It was an old building, nothing compared to the modernity she thought Kaneki would choose for his lifestyle. The elevators were old-style, the manual type, with doors that required extra force to be opened and wooden floors that squeaked with every single step. She gets to the sixth floor, where Kaneki's apartment is, standing out in the hallway for being the only door on the floor, number 125. Touka doesn't know she's trembling until her fist crashes against the door, over and over again, calling out his name.

"Kaneki!" she yells, waiting, but there's no response. Her hand slams the door again. "Kaneki, for fuck's sake, open the damn door, I know you're there!"

But there's no response. She sighs, frustrated, she knows he's there, something inside of her is sure of it. Touka kicks the door, growing angrier with each passing second.

"I swear that I will knock down the door if you don't answer! I don't care if you're fucking someone right now, open this goddamn door or I — "

And the door opens widely, Touka's fist raised in the air ready to knock again, and the last thing she finds there is Kaneki.

"T-Touka?"

From the inside of the apartment, a bewildered Hide gasps in surprise, holding the door and lifting up his brows with excessive astonishment. Touka blinks, flabbergasted, taking one step back and swallowing harder than she should, she wasn't expecting this at all.

"Hide?"

He blinks again, as if trying to clear out his sight and confirm that the presence standing right before his eyes was the Touka Kirishima he once knew. The blue hair wasn't helping much, and the shock seemed to be mutual, but he's quick enough to blurt out a scandalous laugh, lifting up his hands in the air.

"My… my girlfriend!" he yells, and suddenly his arms are tightly wrapped around her, tossing her all around, ruffling the top of her head like he used to do in the past. "Holy fuck!"

Touka stumbles, trying both to break free from his uncomfortable embrace and not act like a bitch at the same time.

"H-Hide — "

"It's been years! Wow," he pulls away for a moment, still holding her in his arms. "You look amazing, look at that hair, holy shit."

"Y-Yeah but — "

"I can't believe it's you! Oh, man," he turns his head around, aiming at the door, and the volume of his voice increases dramatically. "EH, KANEKI! COME HERE! YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHO'S HERE!"

Touka tries to pull away, but the guy is strong.

"I need — "

He turns around to see her, offering a dazzling smile.

"Jesus christ, how many years — shit, forget it, can't even remember. But it's been a long time! Where have you been? Oh, wait, don't tell me, the life of a married woman… well, I mean, almost married, it must be very — "

Touka manages to break free from his clutch, blurting out an exasperated sigh.

"Hide," she repeats, firmly this time, making his amused and excited expression disappear in an instant. "Look, I'm glad to see you too but I need to speak to Kaneki, where is he?"

Hide blinks, startled, not expecting such coldness from someone who used to be nothing but a childhood friend. He softly nods, lifting up his thumb and pointing out behind him, to the entrance, and Touka moves quickly, shoving him aside with delicacy and getting inside. The place is bigger than what she'd expected it to be; old but refined with elegance, carrying a vintage aura that reminded her of a house that you would certainly find in the 20's, Great Gasby-like. The walls were made of a dark wood, a deep contrast compared to the white ceiling and beige parquet. Everything looked so pristine, as she thought it would be. Everything meticulously positioned in its rightful place: the antique couches facing the fireplace, the books and papers perfectly piled up in his dark desk, the disgusting expressions of many different faux animals decorating the walls on top, the head of a black goat standing out generously in the living room, with its large black horns projecting a fearsome shadow on the contrary wall, something worthy of a horror movie.

It looked like the kind of place she imagined Kaneki would own: cold, big, empty. Immensely different from her house, a place that didn't seem frigid, as if nobody was living there. Her house was way more welcoming than this: the TV was always playing something, the windows were always open, there was always something scattered on the floor, a piece of clothing, a bunch of slippers; there was always a sound coming out from the kitchen: the kettle boiling, Haise's knives chopping something, his voice humming a song he couldn't take off his head. Kaneki didn't even have a Christmas tree, or family photos on top of the fireplace, or a place to cuddle comfortably on a rainy evening. It reminded her a lot of how his room used to look like when he was little, and later as a teenager. It was a nice place, she couldn't deny that, but it didn't feel like a home at all.

The thought of Kaneki spending all his days in this place, alone with himself, with his thoughts… a crucial part of their friendship had been built upon their mutual fear of being lonely, of him having nothing and Touka having everything, but still feel like what was left was not enough. They found solace in that, and the fact that Kaneki was still lingering in the exact same place… the fact that he was still… that she… that she was unable to —

Stop.

Stop.

Touka breathes, waking up from her numbness. She doesn't realize her hands are clenching the box so tightly that her knuckles are blanching, and she believes that her face matches the color of her hands too. She forces herself to take a deep breath, suddenly starting to feel a little sick, and Kaneki's voice makes her taut muscles twitch with his presence.

He appears from the front corridor, wearing a black towel around his hips and another in his hands, rubbing his moist hair repeatedly. Seems like he was taking a shower.

"Hide," he complains, sluggish. "Why the fuck are you —"

Kaneki swallows his words when the small towel isn't covering his sight anymore and his eyes usher their gaze on her, standing in his way as she always did. Touka notices the surprise in his face, the way that her presence seems to catch him off guard, and it's one of those expressions she never gets to see apart from his daily coldness and annoyance. He always looks so annoyed when she's around, and the very few times he decides to smile at her are for mocking purposes only. They stare at each other for a moment, Hide coming closer from behind to join them.

Then, Kaneki says it.

"Oh, Kirishima-san."

Kirishima-san.

Her nails scratch the fabric of the box and unexpectedly, irrevocably… something dies within her. Again. She wonders, deep inside, if Kaneki is aware of how much she hates it. By the way her eyelids flutter, and the way Kaneki swallows momentarily, evaluating her expression with a mask that almost seems to break… she believes he does. And it only makes her hate him more.

"What brings you here?" he asks, casual, as he continues to dry his hair.

Touka slams the box on top of the desktop standing right by her side. Hide twitches, approaching to take a look, and Kaneki peers down at the box with innocent eyes.

"Oh, seems like you needed some help after all. Did you like it? Couldn't help thinking about you when I saw it."

Touka sighs with defeat.

"What the fuck is this, Kaneki."

Kaneki's brows arch in confusion, his lips purse as he hangs the short towel around his neck, opening the box with one hand to grab the first thing he finds. In this case, the black handcuffs.

"What do you mean?" he complains, inspecting the handcuff with a meticulous expression as if trying to decipher how to use it. "It's my gift for you, didn't you read the letter?"

Hide represses a laugh that finally manages to escape his lips. Kaneki smiles softly, amused, as if he's enjoying a secret joke between old friends, but when Touka's furious eyes fall back on Hide he coughs immediately, frowning and trying to pretend this isn't funny.

"D-Dude, seriously…" Hide grabs the lingerie, inspecting it with a weird grimace. "Where did you even get this…"

Touka groans.

"What's not the point!" her voice forces Hide to put the piece of clothing back into the box. "What the hell is wrong with you? You can't send me something like this, you're a huge asshole."

Kaneki frowns, clearly offended.

"This huge asshole paid a fortune for this," his lips grumble, throwing the handcuffs in the box again. "Be a little more grateful when I'm trying to be kind to my brother's fianceé."

Her hands turn into fists, and the way he says it, my brother's fianceé… why does that word bother her so much? As much as hearing him calling her Kirishima-san?

"Do you even have a brain in this hollow head of yours?!" her voice raises in sync with her hand, knocking his temple and forcing him to snatch her hand away abruptly, almost as if he's disgusted to touch her. Touka's breathing becomes erratic. She doesn't even think she's this angry because of the box. She doesn't even know why she's angry anymore. "What if Haise was the one to receive the package? Do you even realize the trouble you'd be getting me into?"

Kaneki rolls his eyes, grabbing the towel again and rubbing it on his nape.

"I'm sure you'll think of something. It wouldn't be the first time you lie to your future husband like that. Am I right, Kirishima-san?"

Hide grimaces, murmuring Kaneki's name as a poor attempt of scolding, but Touka doesn't even have the energy to scold him herself. Her eyes burn deeply, her chest burns deeply, every part of her body is on fire. She hears Kaneki's giggles, and the playful way he hits her arm with the towel he's holding.

"Ah, come on, Kirishima-san, it was just a joke," he excuses himself. "Do you actually think Haise would think badly of you? His bunny? Please. Take the box. You can tell him it was me, it's okay. Nothing personal, it's not like we are friends anyway."

It's not like we are friends.

Hide flicks up his gaze at Kaneki, a gaze Touka can't see but it's loaded with annoyance.

"Kaneki, come on," he complains, gaining a hazy glance from Kaneki. "Don't… be like that."

Touka blinks, coming back to reality. She looks at Hide, shaking her head.

"No, Hide, it's okay. Kaneki is right," her eyes fall on him, hands that tremble when she speaks. "We are not friends."

Kaneki remains quiet, he doesn't look so pleased now, and Touka almost dares to say that he looks quite bitter. Was this stupid game ever going to end? Kaneki blinks for a moment, one time, and his expression changes again. The mask is gone. He continues to dry his hair.

Hide sighs, scratching his head and prompting out a shaky laugh.

"Ah, guys, come on, don't fight, peace and love, remember?" he jokes, and palms Kaneki's shoulder, and then Touka's, smiling at her. "Touka-chaaaaan, we should hang out someday again, like the old times, right? Bring Haise too, I can't even remember when was the last time I saw that idiot. I know a place where we can — "

Touka turns her eyes to Hide, feeling Kaneki's upon her. He's not listening to his friend, he's not swallowing his bullshit.

"I don't think so, Hide," she replies, setting her eyes on Kaneki for the last time. "As for the box, keep it. Use it with one of your whores, I don't need anything from you."

She doesn't wait for his reaction, for an answer. And Touka knows that if she stays there, waiting for something, she'll end up disappointed as she always did. Her body turns around and her legs keep walking as fast as they can, hearing Kaneki's voice calling out for her. "Come on, Kirishima, don't get mad, it was a joke!" but she knows it was not. Touka reaches the door and abandons the flat with a hand pressed flat against her chest, stopping in front of the elevator and waiting for it.

Her eyes fall shut, eyes gazing down to the floor, and something inside of her chest threatens to come out. Touka keeps it there, safe deep inside, swallowing it painfully. She shouldn't have come here, she shouldn't have even thought about it. It's not the box, it's him. Terrible things happen whenever they face each other: a kiss in the middle of the dark, a word that feels like the stab of a sharp knife, a heart that throbs so loudly that threatens to die. She should know better, she should fucking know better.

Touka sighs at the elevator that never arrives, and Hide's voice is fast to disrupt her escape.

"Touka-chan!" he comes running, closing the door of the apartment behind him to allow some privacy in the hallway. "Wait, don't leave."

She turns around slightly, shaking her head.

"It's okay, I have to go to work anyway."

"You know how he is, just… ignore him. B-But I meant what I said, we should all hang out together some other time, it would be nice to — "

Touka turns to him, releasing a heavy sigh.

"Hide," she complains, features impossibly sad. He blinks, startled by her expression. She looks so different yet so similar to the way she used to be. But there's something missing within her eyes, within her skin. As if every movement of her body requires a huge amount of willpower to be executed. "I'm sorry but… things are not the way they used to be anymore. We've all grown, we've all changed, Kaneki and I have nothing to do with each other anymore, and you should know that better than anyone. He's your best friend."

He hesitates, features wrinkling in distress.

"He was your best friend too. And… things don't have to change, not really, Touka-chan. I — "

She crosses her arms, frowning deeply. The innocence in his words feels heavy upon her, and for a moment she forgets she's talking with a guy who used to be her friend, a guy with whom she used to play at the park when they were children, with whom she shared long trips in her youngest days, unaware of what the future had in store for all of them.

"But it did," her voice breaks in the middle, pointing out the obvious. The cheerful Hide is gone, he's serious and almost pitying her. "I'm going to get married soon, I have a job, I have a different life now. It's not good to keep on living in the past, we all have to move on sooner or later, and I'm trying to do that."

Touka stays silent for a moment. Her eyes look around, defeated.

"We're not sixteen anymore," it comes as a whisper, a bitter feeling in her mouth, and she knows Hide is tasting it too. Their eyes recross once more, and she can see that Hide is desperate to add something else, to convince her of something not even he fully believes.

The fact that he's clinging to the past so firmly makes her wonder, in secret, if Kaneki is doing it too. The thought sends shivers down her spine. Would Kaneki agree with Hide? Would they even talk about this? Would Kaneki repeat the same nonsense she's saying?

Hide swallows, attempting to say something else, but the only thing that comes out of his lips it's her name. Only her name.

"Touk —"

She delivers an apologetic smile, full of sorrow.

"It was nice to see you again, okay?"

He stops when the palm of her hand cups his cheek in a motherly gesture, like a child that needs to be comforted. The action makes his eyes water slightly, but not enough to shed tears and embarrass himself. Either way, Touka wouldn't have laughed. She's trying to hold her tears too. Her lips reach his cheek, a last kiss before leaving, and she doesn't turn back to look at him one more time when she decides to take the stairs instead, not wanting to stay there waiting for an elevator that didn't seem to arrive.

And Hide makes no attempt of stopping her either.

—o—

Hours pass, many hours go to waste and Touka easily comes to the conclusion that today is definitely not her day. It didn't matter the circumstance, each aspect of her day was ruined in more ways than one. The customers at the shop were angrier than usual and her mind, getting easily distracted with thoughts that Touka was trying so hard to push away.

She got many orders wrong, broke multiple cups and forgot to attend certain tables with customers that got tired of waiting and abandoned the place. She couldn't think, she couldn't operate normally, and the words it's not like we are friends kept on resonating inside of her over, and over, and over again.

Was he ever going to send her another message after what happened today? Did she even want to? Maybe she should have blocked his number a long time ago, delete him from her contact's list once and for all. But what would she say to Haise if he asked? If he wanted her to send Kaneki a message, what stupid excuse could she give him to refuse any kind of interaction with his brother? It didn't make any sense, she didn't make any sense.

Why did Kaneki always made her feel so pathetic?

Once all the customers are gone, Touka decides to finally close up the shop, giving up and accepting the fact that she was operating awfully, and that it was best to leave the shop now before more customers decided to stop by a coffee and face the atrocious consequences of her stupidity. She walks the path home in silence, staring at nothing but her feet and realizing that they move slowly, very slowly, as if lingering in the sidewalk and hesitating to give another step, as if her sense of direction was suddenly corrupted, as if she didn't know exactly where to go, like the needles of a faulty compass.

She arrives home and allows herself a moment to breathe when she introduces the keys on the door. Touka stares at her hand, taking a deep breath, swallowing one more time, and enters. The lights are on, and she closes the door slowly, getting rid of her shoes at the entrance to grab the slippers, but her actions are interrupted when her name is being shouted by a thin voice, a small body running towards her.

Touka gasps at the sight of Ken, Haise's younger brother, crashing against her body in a firm embrace, smiling brightly.

"Touka-chan!"

Touka looks down, resting her hands on his shoulders.

"H-Hey, what… what are you doing here?" she looks around, confused, to find a tired Haise coming out of the kitchen, holding a spatula.

"Oh, bunny," he greets, sighing. "I didn't expect you to be home this early."

She pats Ken's back, smiling softly at him when the kid flicks his eyes upwards. He looked so much like Kaneki when he was little.

"Yeah, the shop was kinda empty, so…" she explains, feeling doubtful. "Is everything okay? Why…?"

Haise nods, sighing.

"Ken," he calls out, dragging his brother's attention. "Why don't you go check the cake for me?"

Ken releases Touka with a happy nod, turning around to enter the kitchen and that alone allows Haise all the privacy he needs. Touka heads to the table, sitting on the chair and getting rid of her jacket and purse, eyes locked on Haise and the way he scratches his head, holding the spatula.

"We had a little reunion in my mother's house after work, she wanted to see us to discuss our plans for the holidays but she wasn't in a good mood," he explains, slightly leaning against the table. He hasn't even finished and Touka can already feel the tension in every part of her body. "And… well, she had a rough time with Kaneki."

His name resonates deep within her. Touka pays more attention to the story now.

"Kaneki?" she asks, and Haise nods with a somber expression. "He was there?"

"I persuaded him to come over because I also wanted to know his plans for the holidays. Mom wants to spend Christmas and New Year's Eve at my aunt's house and take the kids with her, but Ken didn't want to, so he protested and… well, my mom got angry."

He didn't need to say more for Touka to understand what he meant with she got angry. Rieko had one way to show anger and it was through physical punishment only. Touka gasps, slightly drawing her eyes to the kitchen, where little Ken is.

"Did… did she…?"

Haise nods, sighing deeply and rubbing his face with one hand.

"Yeah, she smacked him. It… it was a mess, Kaneki got so mad, Touka. I really don't know what he would have done if it wasn't because I was there, he went crazy. Ken hid in his room and Kaneki stood there with him until he calmed himself down. Mom felt terrible about it. She's with my aunt now, but I wanted to bring Ken with me to spend the night since he was too scared to stay in the house. We're baking a cake, just to distract him a little. I hope you don't mi—"

Touka shakes her head in pure sorrow, unable to hide the expression in her face.

"God, no, of course not. But…" she makes a pause, and peers down at her hands when she realizes they're trembling. "K-Kaneki… is he okay?"

Haise shrugs with defeat, the pain in his eyes is huge tonight.

"I don't know. He left when I tried to stop him, and I've been calling him since I came home but he's not answering his phone."

He's not… answering his phone? Touka thinks, and thinks, and thinks, a feeling of dread growing deep inside of her. Whenever Kaneki had to face a hard situation at home… it usually never ended up well. And the thought of his lonely apartment comes to her mind, the coldness of it, the emptiness of it… and Kaneki, alone, insignificant, hiding from everyone else. Was Hide there with him? Was he staying by his side? No, no… something inside of her discarded that possibility. When Kaneki had a problem, he wouldn't share the burden with anyone, not even with Hide. At least, that's how it used to be in the past.

Her lips part to speak, but Ken's voice disrupts her speech.

"Haise! I think the cake is ready now!"

Haise sighs, whispering a soft hold on as he walks towards the kitchen, leaving her alone. The first thing Touka does is to grab her purse and search for her phone inside, but the phone is nowhere to be found. She plucks each item inside, one by one, but her phone is not there. Did she leave it in the shop? Touka groans, irritated, and in a hurry decides to grab Haise's phone instead, lying on the table. She marks Kaneki's number and walks out of the room, to their bedroom, waiting for Kaneki to pick up the call, but he never does.

Touka stares at the screen, frowning. She calls again, but no one answers. With a sigh, Touka opens up Haise's chatroom and types as fast as she can.

Today 7:30 PM.
"Kaneki, it's me, Touka. Are you there?"

She waits, biting her lower lip. Her fingers tap again.

Today 7:32 PM.
"Idiot, come on, answer me."
"Are you okay?"

The minutes pass, her eyes glued to the clock, but the response never arrives, and Touka rubs her eyes with the pad of her fingers when she realizes the situation. Why is she so worried? This is not the first time something like this happens, and he probably isn't answering because she's using Haise's phone. With a sigh, Touka deletes the messages in the chat, not wanting Haise to see them.

It wouldn't be the first time you lie to your future husband like that.

Touka puts the phone away, walking towards the dining room again and grabbing her jacket. She heads to the door, and Haise's voice stops her.

"Where are you going?"

She turns around slightly, finding him peering through the kitchen. There's a strong smell of vanilla cake in the air, the heat of the oven warming up the entire house.

"I forgot my phone in the shop," she explains, putting on the jacket.

"Oh," Haise grimaces. "It's late, do you want me to drive you there?"

"No, it's okay," she puts on the shoes at the entrance. "I'll be right back, stay with Ken."

Before Haise can add anything else, Touka abandons the house, shutting down the door behind her.

—o—

The truth is, walking towards her shop again allows her the privacy to smoke the cigarette she'd been craving the entire day. She takes the package out of the pockets of her jacket, using her white broken lighter to ignite the flame and spend the time walking to the shop a little too slowly, her lack of desperation to get there is more than evident, and she finds herself lighting up not one but two, even three cigarettes along the way. The night had fallen over Tokyo from the moment she set foot on the streets, the cold breeze of winter is making her shiver, but it doesn't matter.

She still doesn't want to go back.

Touka wanders aimlessly through the lonely streets of Tokyo, starting to become part of that very same loneliness too, almost craving for it in the most selfish of ways, a poor resemble of the person she became after Kaneki left her. Is she starting to feel this way again because of him? Lost, confused, extremely empty. It took her years to put herself back together again and become just a tiny half of what she used to be, she wonders if Kaneki is even aware of that damage. He probably doesn't care.

She throws her cigarette to the floor, stepping on it, and starts walking a little faster, eager to arrive. She's almost there, just around the corner, yet her pace stops when she sees him.

Kaneki.

Touka blinks, narrowing her eyes, way too disoriented to pay attention to her surroundings. The streets are wrapped in darkness, yet she sees him becoming part of them. Kaneki is standing right at the entrance of :re, leaning against the wall and smoking a cigarette in silence. He's wearing his long black coat, looking down at his feet and not perceiving her arrival. His expression is serene, thoughtful, he looks like he's waiting for someone, and the persisting thought that someone could be her… Touka swallows, the wind stirring around her furiously. She gives one step, extremely nervous but deeply relieved to know that at least he's okay, in a place that is safe, in her shop.

Kaneki flicks up his gaze at the sound of her footsteps, and his worn out eyes linger in her shivering presence for long seconds each time she approaches, she's watching him too. And there was something about him that night, something that little had to do with what she saw this morning; the cockiness of his glance, the mockery of his lips, the coldness of his words… it was all gone. There wasn't a single trace of all those masks he used to wear in front of her. Not a single one.

Right now… tonight… he looks exactly like he did the day of the High school incident. That Wednesday that till this day she's still unable to forget, unable to erase from her nightmares. Kaneki looks defeated.

He throws the cigarette to the ground when she's close enough to speak.

"Hey," he breathes, fog coming out of his lips.

She stops in front of him, doubtful.

"Hey," it's her answer, murmuring lower. She's not even angry anymore. Even if every word he speaks gets painful and painful each time, even if she knows she'll probably cry herself to sleep tonight no matter how much she'll try to deny it… she's truly, truly not angry anymore. "Are you okay?"

His brows twitch slightly, tempted to frown them completely. His eyes look red and softly swollen, maybe for the cold, maybe for something else. He nods, warming up his hands in the inside of his pockets.

"Yeah."

An awkward silence follows, but it speaks more than a thousand words. She's telling him something with her eyes, he can't tell what it is, and Touka feels the same too. She hesitates for a moment.

"I — " suddenly, she looks around, sighing deeply. "Let's go inside, it's too cold."

She heads to the door, grabbing her keys and opening it widely. To warm up the situation, she keeps on talking as they enter inside and Touka turns on the lights.

"I forgot my phone in the shop after closing up," she explains, closing the door behind her once both find refuge inside. "I tried to call you with Haise's phone but you didn't answer."

Touka turns around to look at him, the startled expression on his face makes her want to smile, but she's too tired for that. His presence makes her feel extremely tired, extremely melancholic.

"You did?"

She delivers a soft nod, the space between them feeling larger and heavier than ever.

"Yeah…"

"I called you too," he admits, taking off his black gloves and saving them in his pockets. "But my battery died."

Touka blinks, dumbly walking towards the counter to find her phone there, behind the cash register. Her fingers tap the screen, and something flutters inside when six missing calls from Bakaneki appear on the list. Funny, isn't it? Both tried to call each other at the same time, and both were unable to answer back. Kaneki, because his battery died. Touka, because she forgot her phone in the shop. And now both were here again.

She leaves the phone there, turning around to face him.

"Kaneki," she says, and his name tastes different in her mouth. "Haise… he told me what happened today, with Ken. A-Are you alright? Do you — "

Kaneki delivers a heavy, irritating sigh. He walks away, wandering around the place, avoiding her gaze. This is the first time he's inside the shop. He wouldn't usually come, not even with his CCG coworkers. But UI would buy an extra cup for him on the way. Touka often wondered if Kaneki felt too scared to come by and buy it himself.

"Don't start, do me that favor. I don't need your pity today," he complains, and he's not being ironically cold anymore. He's being brutally honest, he clearly doesn't want to talk about it. "I'm not here for that."

She nods, shrugging bitterly, trying to ignore the fact that his words hurt her a little. Her hands squeeze her fingers together, over and over again.

"Then why are you here?" her question comes in a shaky whisper. She's staring at his back, the way he slowly turns around, but he's not looking back at her.

He makes a pause.

"I wanted to talk to you."

Talk? About what?

Touka is slightly afraid of the answer, so she asks something else instead.

"Do you want a coffee?"

Idiot.

Kaneki shakes his head, coming closer.

"No. It won't take long."

Touka stands there, as the idiot she is, and nods softly. Okay, well. Her head nods one more time, feeling his haunting eyes upon her, following each one of her movements.

"Okay," her fingers scribble something on the skin of her wrist, and Kaneki's eyes advert the slight gesture. "What is it?"

He makes himself wait, maybe to get her on her nerves, or maybe because he's the one who's nervous. She can't tell. She doubts he feels any sort of anxiety right now, or shame, or embarrassment. That's not him, especially when it came to her. Touka awaits, helplessly, licking her lips in a poor attempt of self-preparation, and Kaneki's eyes advert that movement too. His gaze flicks down at her lips for a moment, even despite the distance that keeps them apart. That alone seems to encourage him to speak.

He takes a small breath.

"The night you kissed me," he starts, and Touka already feels like dying. Her skin loses all color, her cheeks turn white and her heart stops beating, or maybe it's beating too fast, she can't tell. Her right-hand starts to madly encircle her wrist over, and over again. Curling her fingers until her skin starts to ache, leaving marks. He notices that too, but his words keep on coming. "At the CCG party. Do I need to describe you the scene in case you don't remember? Because I think you do. I want to know why."

Touka looks away, releasing her wrist and a deep, heavy sigh.

"I already told you, I was dru — "

Kaneki offers a sick, incredulous smile.

"That's bullshit, Kirishima," he gives one step, coming a little closer and shortening the distance between them. Touka looks at the windows, trying to get her shit together. "We both know very well that you weren't drunk, a little tipsy, yeah, but not drunk. Not drunk enough to not know what you were doing."

She closes her eyes for a moment, gaining the courage to look at him, and he keeps on walking towards her.

"K-Kaneki — "

"You can lie at your future husband all you want, but you can't lie to me. I dare you to try."

A groan escapes from her lips, and the color is back on her cheeks when he manages to ignite that flame inside of her once again. The flame of her anger. Only he is able to do that.

"Stop calling him like that."

His brows arch in a false confusion. He's angry too.

"How? Future husband?"

"Kaneki — "

"But he is your future husband, am I right? What is it, Kirishima-san? Are you having doubts now?"

That's the straw that breaks the camel.

"He's your brother," she punctuates the phrase very clearly, looking at him straight in the eyes, and she hopes that will put him back into his place.

But it does quite the opposite.

It annoys the hell out of him.

"Yeah, I'm fully aware of that," he responds, as slowly as she did. "But you're still not answering my question."

Touka shoves him aside, walking to the other side of the shop to avoid his eyes as much as she can, but nothing seems to help this time. Kaneki follows her, slowly, like a predator corralling its prey.

"I have nothing to say," that's the only answer she can come up with, and that makes him laugh. "I already told you. What the hell is that you want to hear?"

A sick, annoying laugh.

"I won't leave until you answer me. Why did you kiss me?"

She turns around, heated by the flame of the moment.

"Why the fuck are you so desperate to know?" her voice increases the tone, and every word they say acts like sparks that keep producing more flames. Whenever she screams, he speaks louder. "It's not important, it meant nothing to me, for fuck's sake..."

His eyes burn with fire, they're red, swollen, tired and full of sleepless nights.

"Because I haven't been able to fucking stop thinking about it since it happened," he threatens, walking until she has no other place to hide, the wall behind her is the only support she has. He's looking down at her, desperate for something. "Is that what you wanted to hear? Because I don't mind repeating myself again. So tell me, look at me and tell me why did you kiss me that night."

Touka holds his gaze for a second before looking away, and Kaneki swallows when he sees the tears starting to emerge. The redness of her nose, the way her lower lip trembles as she breathes, the way she shakes her head, as if trying to convince herself of a huge, insolent lie, and keeps shaking, unable to speak.

"It was nothing," she whispers, way too low, and that drives him insane.

He wants to hear her. Loud and clear.

"What? I didn't hear you."

She grimaces, sniffing and repressing an angry sob at having to repeat herself again.

"It was noth — "

"You're lying."

Touka looks at him, furious, and her hand rapidly wipes a malicious tear. But not even that is enough to gain his compassion.

"Kaneki — "

"We promised to never lie to each other, remember? Why are you lying to me now?"

Touka gasps, slightly pushing his chest.

"Don't you fucking dare," now she's sobbing, and that seems to break something within him, soften a part of himself that he considered dead. She sees it, but he's good at keeping it still.

Kaneki leans closer.

"Why are you lying to me?" he repeats, firmer this time.

Touka wipes another tear, looking away, thinking of something that she can say to get out of this mess, to push him away and get the hell out of here. But she's not moving, she's not making any sound, any attempt of escaping. Her throat releases another sob when she feels Kaneki's hands holding her face, forcing her to keep the eye contact, to not avoid his eyes.

And she's forced to stare back. His grip is firm, encompassing her entire cheek and part of her nape too, her hair is a mess in his fingers, but he doesn't care.

"Look at me," he speaks softly, almost pleading, eyes growing mad.

Touka doesn't pull away from the grip of his hands. They're cold against her skin, but it's the first time she's felt them in her face since she was sixteen years old. Sixteen. That was eight years ago, eight fucking years without feeling the touch of his hands upon hers. Whether be her face, or her hands, or her shoulder, or any other broken part of her body. She's disintegrating in his touch, and he's disintegrating too. Becoming nothing but dust.

She's so weak, and she's not even trying to be strong anymore. She's tremendously tired.

Eight years have left her exhausted.

"You lied to me too!" Touka cries, and now she's looking at him, and there's no playfulness in his eyes, no challenging gazes passing back and forth. They're raw, as raw as they've never been before. "P-Plenty of times! You have no right to call me a liar when y-you… when you fucking... y-you didn't — "

He can't take it anymore.

Eight years have also left him utterly exhausted.

They have killed him.

The grip of his hands intensify, leading her mouth to his, or his mouth to hers, it didn't matter. Kaneki crashes his lips against hers, frigid and chapped, everything about her feels so cold, so fragile, so ephemeral, and it only makes him kiss her harder. The taste is the same, as clear as his heart allows him to remember, but more intense. Like the taste of a bittersweet wine that over the years has become sweeter, and stronger, and unforgettable. And Touka doesn't pull away. Her hands aren't even touching him, paralyzed against his chest in an attempt of poor self-defense. She doesn't slap the shit out of him, or yell at him to stop, she doesn't do anything at all. She doesn't think of anything at all. Her teary eyes fall shut the moment his lips take her and her body is rammed against the wall. The burning fire of his breathing against her mouth is more than enough to appease the coldness that she'd carried within her during eight long years. Eight years… and a simple kiss of just ten seconds has completely melted it down.

Kaneki tilts his face to one side, the last pressure of his mouth against hers, the last stroke of his tongue on her lower lip, his vigorous fragrance impregnating everything around her. For years, Touka thought this feeling had died, completely vanished from her conscious. She thought that in her heart there was only room for hate, and there still was. Touka hated the texture of his lips, she hated his mischievous tongue that wandered through every unexplored territory and the firm grip of his hands holding her jaw. She hated the simple idea of trying to hate him, because right now she's unable to hate him at all.

She just can't.

Kaneki breaks the kiss, slowly opening his eyes again. He notices her own firmly shut, their foreheads still crashing, the subtle tickling of her nose against his own sending shivers down his spine, feeling like a damn teenager all over again. Kaneki closes his eyes again, blindly wiping a tear that slowly slides down her cheek with his thumb.

They remain quiet for a moment until Touka decides to look at him, and finds him with his eyes still closed. Her lips tremble, and Kaneki never opens his eyes when Touka's hands softly pull his hands away from her face, and these fall heavily at each side of his body. Kaneki never opens his eyes when Touka sneaks out, and her footsteps become distant when she grabs her phone from the counter and leaves the shop without muttering a word, without closing the door properly, or turning off the lights, or grabbing her keys.

Touka leaves, shivering hands covering her mouth in pure horror, and Kaneki never opens his eyes.

Not even a second.