The Month of Koroline #6

Title: Pumped Up Kicks

Fandom/s: Vampire Diaries

I'd like to give a warning that this story is about a school shooting so if you're uncomfortable with that sort of plot then please skip this one. I am aware and saddened by the events that happened in America last year and my condolences for all that were affected. But I have to point out that this story is a worth of fiction, not meant to glamorize something so vicious in any way. I came up with this idea even before last year's events happened and held off writing it out of respect for what happened. But also, I am a writer and I'm here to test myself and push boundaries so if you think you can take it, read away but if it gets uncomfortable for you then click out.

(Forward)

It's cold. Fucking the middle of December and the ground was covered in snow so thick, the heels of my black sensible stilettos dug in to them and I swear my feet are frostbitten.

I'm wearing a black coat over my black dress, not the modest one my mom bought me but the slinky one Kol always smirked at when he saw me in it. My mom had a fit when she saw me in it but I promised to keep my coat on at all times and no one would know or see.

Truth is, I was only wearing the coat because it really was freezing. If it had been warmer, I would bare that dress for all to see and I wouldn't give a damn. This was for Kol.

And I knew he would be proud of my tenacity. He was probably even smirking from which part of the underworld he was currently vacating.

(Pause)

Sometimes I wonder why he did it.

Don't people and shrinks and political analysts go on and on about why someone just went berserk and we're all left licking wounds from the gore and trying to recover from PTSD? Sure, when we watch it on TV it's sad and tragic but there's a distance between you and what happened because it wasn't you, it didn't happen to you.

But now it did. And now I was just trying to understand. Why he did it I mean.

He didn't leave anything much to go on.

(Back)

I don't know how he got in with the rifle.

How the hell was he able to stroll into the school like it was an everyday occurrence to bring weapons inside and start shooting at all his classmates at random, I will never quite know.

All I know is one moment I'm in homeroom, listening to our teacher talk about some other mundane topic when the gunshots rang.

And then the screams.

Then we were all running.

(Pause)

Kol's favorite band was The White Stripes. His favorite song was Nirvana's Come as You Are. His favorite book was Catcher in the Rye. His favorite movie was Stalag 17. His favorite color was gunmetal blue. His favorite word was invictus. His favorite sound was my laugh.

I know all of those things and so much more but no one really cared about those little things but me. His parents were getting a divorce, constantly blaming each other for what happened, his siblings weren't talking to anyone and even Rebekah couldn't bear to even let out snarky whips when I walked by like she used to.

Everything had changed and it was still changing. Worse yet, there was nothing I could do to stop it.

(Forward)

Bonnie had been sick that horrible day it happened and she'd been home with a fever in her bed when the news came on TV. She called me as I wasn't one of the casualties named in the news report, I couldn't speak for what seemed hours as Bonnie bombarded me with questions.

"Caroline? Caroline! Are you still there?"

"Yes, Bonnie." My voice was soft, too quiet. I felt so exhausted like the simple act of getting syllables out was too much for her. "I'm sorry but I don't feel really well right now. I'll call you tomorrow."

"Okay. Call me tom-"

I hung up, threw my phone down to the carpet of my bedroom's floor, lied back down on my bed and closed my eyes.

(Back)

I don't know where I'm going.

Our teacher tried to lead us to safety but everyone was trying to run away, to save themselves and I was lost in the chaos of it all, not knowing which direction to run.

Half of me wanted to get out of that place and run to where it was safe.

The other wanted to search for Kol and see if it was really him.

I didn't know which part to listen to but it didn't matter because when I found my way to the cafeteria with Matt and Elena, Kol was waiting there.

Matt tried to push Elena and me out of the way but Kol grazed Elena at the side and she crumpled into the ground a bleeding mess before Kol took a shot at Matt's head whose blue eyes widened before they were splattered in his blood and brains.

I let out a horrified gasp and looked at Kol who was aiming the rifle at me now. I held her breath, not knowing what to do, afraid he would take the shot and just kill me since that seemed the most likely thing for him to do. I was in his way, why not kill me?

I braced herself for the bullet but he didn't do as I expected, he just moved the rifle towards Elena and pulled the trigger. I let out a scream this time and he spared me one final glance before he walked away quietly.

(Pause)

I don't know what would've been worse. Dying at the hands of the boy I'd been so crazy about or being spared while he killed people we knew, grew up with and saw everyday for years.

I don't know why but I'm angry beyond the confusion. Angry at everyone else for not being able to see that there had been something wrong, angry at myself for not seeing it as well and not trying to stop it and angry at Kol because….

Because he fucked everything up and I would never forgive him.

Ever.

(Forward)

My shrink is fresh out of college and I'm the third person she's ever handled. She looked really young and looked just about my age though she was years older. She was nervous around me for the first few sessions, trying to find a suitable rhythm to deal with me, find the right words to get me to open up and knowing when to stop digging before I had enough, got up and stormed out of her office.

It took two months before she finally got me to talk about something substantial, the past weeks were me just babbling about random things, memories of the past that had nothing to do with what my shrink wanted me to really talk about but I refused to tell her about Kol. It felt like excessive loyalty and in a way it was but honestly, it was more selfishness and possessiveness because those small moments I had with Kol would be tainted if I shared them with her to tear apart and analyze like a new gadget from Apple.

But after a while, I broke down and told her everything. And she handed me a box of tissues as I cried my way through retelling the shooting. She patted me on the arm several times in between sobs before I calmed down and collapsed back against the couch I was sitting down on and feeling drained.

My shrink smiled at me, comforting and pitying all at once, it made bile rise to my esophagus. "That was good, Caroline."

No, it wasn't.

(Pause)

My shrink's making me write a goodbye letter to Kol. Closure, she called it and I really have nothing to lose anymore so I opened my diary and start penning the words that seem to elude me for so long until I just tried to let things go and write what I felt.

Dear Kol,

I will never understand why you did it. If there was something wrong, you could've come to me. And if you did try to show me in any way, I'm sorry for not seeing it or taking the time to notice. Everybody hates you right now and I feel alone with the fact I'm sure I'm the only one that misses you. And I hate you for that, among the obvious reasons.

But a part of me still loves you.

I never got to say that to you, did I? I love you. I thought it was too early and I regret it now. That'll probably haunt me forever as it'll be impossible to forget you now. You'll be the scary story I tell my kids, worse than the boogeyman. I know you'll be happy about that.

God, I hate you. And love you. It's a complicated emotion and even now when you're six feet under, you're still taking my head for a spin, you fucking cunt.

I hope I get to see you one day (decades from now of course when I'm old, ugly and grey) and we can sit down with some red vines and cherry cola and you can explain everything to me.

See you then.

Still missing you,

Caroline

(Back)

Don't you just hate first days? That tension in the air, that giddy sickening excitement as you see classmates from the previous years and wondering if you still share the same classes now and which teachers you're getting, starting new all over again for another school year.

Contrary to popular belief, I did not like first days. Not as freshmen anyway when all the older kids look at you like a baby and fresh meat to chew up and spit right out. Life as a senior would be different, I know and I couldn't wait till then. I still had three years to go before that though.

I'm walking towards my first class with Elena and Bonnie, trying to dodge students in my path and hugging my books close to my chest when someone bumps into my side. I almost lose my balance from the impact but strong hands keep me steady.

I looked up to say thank you and find myself looking into an extremely cute boy's face, all dark hair and eyes, porcelain skin and borderline androgynous features. For a moment I'm speechless because really wow before I regained my bearings and smiled awkwardly at him. He returns the smile, albeit a lot cooler and drops his hands from her.

'"Sorry about that," He said. "First days and I have never gotten along, I'm afraid. I never really got used to the hustle and bustle."

"Yeah, I totally understand." I replied. "First days are pretty crazy."

"As most people are," He grinned, holding out his hand to shake. "I'm Kol, by the way."