Ohayoooooo!

i am about to post up a new story. In humour category, called Bleach Fairy tales.

Summary: Includes Ichigo as Goldilocks, Komamura as the big bad wolf, and Gin as an evil witch luring Sentarou and Kiyone into her gingerbread house.

'Abarai…'

'Taichou! It wasn't me!'

'Abarai…'

'I didn't eat your banana!'

'You're lying. Give it back. Now'

Renji sweat dropped and looked around the office for his taichou's favourite lunch. His taichou must like him more than he appears, as he's still alive. His eyes rested on the black-haired Ichigo, sitting innocently on his desk. It had a piece of yellow around its smiling mouth. Renji pointed at it accusingly.

'See!' he shouted, arm quivering. 'Ichigo ate your damn banana!' the stoic 6th squad taichou shifted his glare from Renji to Ichigo, whose yellow face was now smirking.

'Did you eat my banana?' Byakuya asked Ichigo quietly.

'It taste gooooooooood', Ichigo replied in a perfect imitation of Byakuya. Byakuya's eye twitched. His fingers twitched towards Senbonzakura.

'Taichou', Renji said quietly, taking a step forward. 'The consequences…'

'That was a bad thing to do',Byakuya's voice was icy. Ichigo's smirk widened.

'I dun like youuuuu' Ichigo replied. Another eye twitch.

'I thought we could get along, but I see it cannot be', Byakuya straightened up. 'You ate my banana. It was mine, and you ate it. I cannot forgive that.'

'Now it comin' out zee otha end!' Ichigo chirped brightly, before blowing a raspberry at Byakuya.

'Abarai…', Renji hurried forward, knowing that to object would mean his death. With a quickly stifled groan, he lifted up Ichigo, holding him as far away from his body as he could.

Byakuya sat at his desk, glaring at Ichigo, who was glaring back over Renji's shoulder. Hmm. The Kuchiki Glare of a Thousand Painful Deaths wasn't working…?

He felt something cold drop on his shoulder and jerked out of the way, turning his glare to the ceiling. Drops of water were gathering just above Byakuya's head, preparing to drop on his marvelous hair.

'Kuso!' he swore, leaping out of his chair and hissing like a cat, sweeping his hair over his shoulder. He turned to the bewildered Renji.

'Leave that thing to me', he demanded. 'Go get someone to fix the ceiling! It's leaking!'

'It feels like Hyourinmaru', Renji murmured, looking out the window at the angry grey clouds. He sighed and left Ichigo on the table, walking over to the phone on his wall, looking at his captain critically.

Is he…afraid of rain?

'Ne, Ken-chaaaaaaaan'

'No, Yachiru.'

'But I'm hungry!'

'Eat food'

'But Sugar's hungry too!'

'Eat food'

Yachiru pouted, flicking one of the bells on her Ken-chan's head. He was being a meany. He hadn't given her any lollies for ages now. Sugar was getting restless too. Without sugar, she couldn't do anything.

She looked critically at Sugar's long blue hair, a small smirk forming on her face. She hopped of Kenpachi's shoulder, sitting across from Sugar, thinking. With a small cry, she leapt up, bolting towards her and Ken-chan's house.

A few seconds later, she reappeared in front of Sugar with a tub of hair gel labeled Zaraki Kenpachi's special hair gel for stubborn spiky hair.

'Oi, Yachiru!' Kenpachi shouted furiously, looking around anxiously for any others from his squad. Yachiru ignored him.

'Ken-chan, Sugar's hair can be like yours!' she chirped, unscrewing the lid, revealing a murky green substance. Yachiru wrinkled her nose.

'This is what you use on your air?' she said critically. 'It stinks!'

'You try shoving friggin' bells on your head everyday without that stuff to hold the spikes up' Kenpachi muttered. Yachiru giggled.

Yachiru grunted as she pulled at a tuft of hair, trying to separate it. Zaraki looked over at her lazily.

'Have we fed Sack of Shit yet?' Yachiru shrugged.

'He or she will be fine…what gender is Sugar?' Yachiru asked, wondering about their baby's gender for the first time. Zaraki snorted.

'How the hell would I know? I can't believe that old fart went through this much effort'

'Where did Sugar come from?'

Zaraki suddenly looked uncomfortable. 'It...fell from the sky…delivered by…a flying white-haired midget?' his answer turned into a question as Hitsugaya Toushirou flew gracefully through the sky, a trail of smoke flying after him.

Yachiru frowned, looking at Sugar. 'You're weird', she told it critically. Sugar giggled.

Allowing his third seats to move into his generously sized house hadn't been the best idea. Their constant bickering and fist fights among other things had given Ukitake a headache.

Ukitake sighed contentedly, sinking into his hot bath with closed eyes. This was one of his favourite times of day, where he could forget about his troublesome third seats and just relax...

'Waaaaaaaa!' His yelp was lost under a mouthful of water. He resurfaced, blinking and spluttering. Now what?

He glared through the wall, where Sentarou's loud voices were bickering as usual. He shifted his gaze to another wall, where Jyuu-chan's wails were coming through.

Though he felt guilty, he also felt smug and very smart using his lethal; disease to get out of babysitting duties. The only problem was his third seats. Out of everyone, he had to pick them to take care of a sack of crying flour. Under normal circumstances, he wouldn't even trust them with his cat.

Kaien would've had fun with this, the sudden thought of his deceased fukutaichou immediately saddened him.

With a loud sigh, he got up from his bath, grabbing a towel and walking over to the door, opening it slightly and peeking out warily. No one.

I can't believe I'm doing this, he thought darkly. If anyone sees me…

He quickly shuffled out the door, making his way down the corridor, further away from his bickering third seats, closer to the direction of the wailing. Before long, he arrived at Jyuu-chan's room, wincing at the loudness of the crying.

Holding up his towel with one hand, he made shushing noises, picking up Jyuu-chan and rocking him gently, the sobbing subsiding. Just then, there were several loud thumps as someone started down the stairs.

'Dammit!', Ukitake muttered. He tightened his hold on Jyuu-chan and moved swiftly out the door, eager to get back into the spa room before someone saw him.

Running quickly whilst very wet on a tiled floor isn't the best idea.

Ukitake slipped, arms flailing, and skidded several feet before bursting through a door, his towel and Jyuu-chan flying in the air.

He groaned and sat up, rubbing his head, blinking at the sight of over a dozen people staring at him in shock. A woman in a purple kimono winked at him.

The Seireitei News Group.

He looked down and yelped, grabbing the towel off the floor and quickly covering himself as cameras flashed, and staggering back out the door, slamming it shut behind him.

'Kiyone! Sentarou!'

'Waaaaa!'

Omaeda yawned and scratched his balding head, glaring at his sleeping taichou. For reasons he didn't know, she had chosen his house instead of hers, and had only brought a small bag and a hammock, which she then set up in the middle of the room, placing a high strength Kidou shield around it.

Omaeda was upset. His taichou had manipulated his limited thinking into finally agreeing to do most of the chores after she was a few sentences into a well rehearsed, long worded speech on why he should do it.

As of now, he was wearing an apron, scrubbing his grimy floor on hands and knees, mumbling darkly.

'…not fair that she gets to take a nap while I clean up this hellhole, I've been doing almost all the stupid work…'his voice trailed off into incomprehensible muttering.

'On top of that, she snores!' Omaeda exclaimed, wincing as a particularly loud snore set the room shaking. H bent down to retrieve a fallen permanent marker that had fallen on the floor.

With a slow, evil smirk, he quietly unscrewed the lid, moving over to his sleeping taichou. If she woke up, he'd blame the baby.

A few minutes later, he stepped away from her, trembling with barely controlled laughter.

Soifon now had a twirly moustache, along with a curly goatee and a thick black monobrow. He had also drawn glasses on her, and whiskers.

Soifon mumbled something and rolled over, falling off the freshly cleaned couch and onto the floor, landing in a crouch. She gasped, looking from the clock in the wall to Omaeda, who struggled to keep a straight face.

'Omaeda!', she shouted. 'Why didn't you wake me up? I have a captains meeting in 5 minutes, you fat mole!'

She leapt to her feet, dashing over to the door. 'take care of Yoruichi-sama!'

Omaeda scoffed. His taichou's obsession with Shihouin Yoruichi disturbed him. She had even gone so far as to name their sack of flour after her. He smirked.

Right now, she was heading to the captains meeting. Though he knew he would pay dearly for it later, he chuckled to himself, imagining the faces of the other 12 taichous when they saw her.

'Am I late?' Soifon breezed past Unohana, who had her eyes closed.

'He's about to start now' Unohana whispered back, turning her attention to the soutaichou. Soifon nodded, satisfied. If that lazy ass had made her late or worse miss the meeting, she would've killed him.

Yamamoto had finally accepted her persistent question of whether she could expand 2nd squad's training facilities and build a new one on the mountain for her new Special Ops group. He had finally accepted, telling her that she could present her idea to everyone else at the next captains' meeting.

'Nice makeup, Soifon-san', Soifon's eye twitched at the always mocking tone of the 3rd squad taichou, Ichimaru Gin. What did he mean, "Makeup"? She didn't wear any.

'Get your eyes checked, freak', she snapped back at him.

'Touchy, touchy', he chuckled. Soifon scowled. She looked over at Tousen, who was the only one holding his baby with him. Everyone else, like her, had decided to leave theirs with their fukutaichous, too proud to take it with them.

She was surprised since Tousen, apart from herself, was probably one of the proudest men in the Gotei 13. Yamamoto banged his staff upon the ground, the not so quiet chatter vanishing.

'First of all', he boomed. 'I would like a progress report' he banged his staff again to silence the outburst of panicky muttering.

'I sent Sasakibe-fukutaichou to each of your squads to get one. I am quite disappointed' Sasakibe shrunk slightly under the force of the glares sent at him.

'A fire truck was sent to the residence of Kyouraku Shunsui and temporary residence of Ise Nanao, after their baby, Sake Violet, was set on fire', Kyouraku smiled nervously.

'Matsumoto fukutaichou was reported to have left a bag of fireworks on the table, next to a lighter, next to their baby…Mr. Grumpy Pants', he cleared his throat to end the chuckling. 'Hitsugaya taichou was reported to have been seen flying, after having a large firework shoved down his haori, then set alight by Mr. Grumpy Pants '

'It's Shirou!' Hitsugaya cried out in frustration, wincing and clutching his back.

He threw down the thick scroll, glaring at the sheepish captains around him. 'You have 5 more days till the final examination. I suggest you improve your coordination, else you fail'

Sasakibe cleared his throat, breaking the icy silence. 'N-Now a report from Soifon-taichou?'

Soifon nodded, walking forward. Yamamoto's eyes widened slightly. Soifon ignored Zaraki's short bark of laughed among other snickers and turned to face them.

'As you all know, I am planning on enlarging the fighting barracks for my squad, and building a new one for my Special Ops. Team. This will involve tearing down the old spa there, which people rarely use…any objections?'

Mayuri clicked his fingers. 'If you're trying to impersonate me, you're failing quite miserably', Soifon's eyes narrowed.

'What are you talking about, Clown-man?' she snarled, frustrated with the building laughter.

'Is this a joke, Soifon-taichou?' Yamamoto asked coldly. Soifon whirled to face him.

'No! I'm perfectly serious! My squad needs more space to fight, and none ever us-!'

'Maybe…' Ukitake's voice was amused. 'You should have a word with your fukutaichou'

Soifon was confused. 'What are you talking about?', she ran her fingers through her hair, pausing as they brushed her forehead. She felt something wet. Horrified, she brought her hand down.

Smudged ink was spread along her hand. Her mouth dropped open.

Omaeda blew out a sigh and wiped his hand across his sweaty face. 'I could really go for some sake right about now…' thinking his taichou wouldn't mind, he moved over to the fridge, which was now stocked full of fresh food, and pulled out a hidden bottle of sake, taking a few large gulps gratefully.

'So…not only do you draw on my face, but you've been hiding sake among the vegetables?', Omaeda choked on the sake at his taichou's icy voice.

'S-Soifon-taichou!' he exclaimed. 'I-It was Yoruichi-sama!'

Soifon smirked, unsheathing her zanpakutou. 'You fat Idiot. Yoruichi-sama is asleep next to the weapons cabinet. How stupid are you?'

'T-taichou! No! Have mercy, ple-!?'

'Jinteki Syakusetsu, Suzumebachi!'

sorry if each scene is a bit short, but i'll try make it longer. Jerry Springer and Ichio and Co. are comign up! XD

please check out mi new fic! The second chap is better!

till next time,

-lazy llama-