(Chapter 6)
It's a beautiful, bright sunny day on the streets of Venice, California. Cat Valentine is walking home with a big can of Bibble in her arms. She snacks on it as she walks down the sidewalks. She passes by a big wrestling match going on in the middle of the road. The birds in the trees are talking about the stock market.
Cat takes a look at the giant book in her arms. On the cover is written the words "Holy Bibble". She opens it. Inside is a wrist watch. It reads 25:69:58:48:84.
CAT: "Ooh. Better hurry."
(laugh track)
Cat sees Sam sitting on the front porch in front of the house. Sam is busy with something in her hands. It looks like she's stitching perhaps.
SAM: "Cat, can you help me with this quatacola? I need to transmogrify this quatacola before it's too late. You might lose me forever."
CAT: "Kay kay. But only if you're palpable."
SAM: "Help me, Cat. I don't want to lose you."
CAT: "Kay kay."
Cat reaches for whatever is in Sam's hand and grabs a key. She opens the front door of her house with it and walks in.
Inside, Cat walks through a long, darkened hallway. There are tall, white marble nude statues of Robbie, Tori, Jade, and Abraham Lincoln. Cat stops to admire a beautiful nude statue of Sam, but then closes her eyes in repulsion when she sees Goomer's marble junk in her face.
(laugh track)
WOMAN'S VOICE: "Who seeks the counsel of the Oracle?"
Cat spins around. She sees Xena slouching on the living room couch with her legs up on the back rest, crossed at the ankles. In her lap is a bucket of fried chicken, which she is devouring. Warrior-style.
CAT: "You're..."
A cellphone rings.
XENA: "Hold on..." (answers her cellphone). "Morpheus here... Yeah, hey look buddy, I'm a little busy right now can I call you back?... I don't care if you're stuck in sleep paralysis. That's not my department! (hangs up) Sheez."
(laugh track)
XENA: "Listen kid, forget you heard all that. Uhh.. yeah... I'm the truth-seeing Oracle, sent here with a message for you. OoOoOoO." (makes spooky ghost noise) "There will be a tall, powerful, evil witch who will play a trick on, and hurt, your best friend. It is wise for you, Gabrielle, to gather your courage and save her from her peril."
CAT: "Hmm. Serves her right for being so obsessed with her stupid Xena show!"
ORACLE-XENA: "Hey, I'm right here you know!"
CAT: "...Sorry. ...Well, I don't know if I even want to help Xena anymore."
ORACLE-XENA: "But Gabrielle, if you do, you and your friend shall live a long, fruitful life together."
CAT: "... And what will happen if I DON'T save Xena?"
ORACLE-XENA: "Well, think about it. How long do you think a Gabrielle spinoff would last?"
Oracle-Xena waves her hand towards a foggy crystal clear pond in the distance. Inside the pond Cat sees a vision: Cat is dressed in a Gabrielle outfit, sitting in her apartment, with dozens of cats crawling around her. This future Gabrielle-Cat, looking depressed, starts eating cat food right out of the can.
CAT: "Uggghhh. No! That won't happen!"
ORACLE-XENA: "But it will. That is, if you don't stop the witch and save your friend."
CAT: "But how do I stop the evil witch?
ORACLE-XENA: "By being the most fearless and powerful woman you know."
CAT: "You mean... like Oprah?"
ORACLE-XENA: "Nope."
CAT: "You mean... like Xena?"
ORACLE-XENA: "That won't work in your realm. Come on. Think Powerful. Fearless. Think... closer to home."
Oracle-Xena takes a big bite out of a chicken drumstick.
ORACLE-XENA: "Mmmm... Mama loves her tiganitó kotópoulo."
Cat opens her eyes and sits up from the living room couch gasping "Sam!"
(fade to awesome toy commercials)