Author's note: This chapter might disappointed you as you read at what time it is set. But please, keep in mind: every chapter is important and necessary! Really - besides I think this is a good one :)

And I really want you to start thinking about the fact that Kensi calling Rachel her 'little wonder' isn't a coincidence ;)

So enjoy, this one's called Epiphany.

FIVE

e-piph-a-ny

/i'pifənē/

Noun

1. A moment of sudden understanding or revelation.

2. To know or to be aware of something.

3. A moment of realization – an 'ah ha' moment.

Synonyms

1. Enlightenment

2. Revelation

3. Awareness

October 23rd 2014 – 6 days before the crash – 4 years ago

Even in the darkest nights you can still see. If there was no light you wouldn't be able to do that. So, even in the darkest nights there is light. I'm not going to say that it's the light in the end of the tunnel because the tunnel is just an illusion – the light isn't. The tunnel is the problem, the angst, the worry. But we create that tunnel ourselves. We create the illusion of a tunnel – a place where there are only two possibilities: giving up, or taking one step after the other until we reach our goals. That's how we humans work. How life works. But sometimes we panic. Sometimes the tunnel seems so dark, that even the slightest light in the night can't help you see. Sometimes it takes a miracle to realize: it wasn't as bad as it seemed.

Slowly she opened her eyes, feeling his one arm around her waist and his heart beating against her back. He snored quietly, his face covered with her loose, wavy, dark hair. A small smile brushed through her face as she felt his breath in her neck and then, slowly, his fingertips started moving along her waist, up and down.

''Morning'' his familiar voice whispered into her ear and his soft lips touched hers as she turned her face to meet his.

''Morning'' she smiled and closed her eyes for an instance. It had been almost three months. Enough time to get over it, one would think. But it was not. Whoever said that time heals all wounds was lying – big time.

Eight months ago she had been pregnant and now there was nothing but emptiness where that little human being had once been. She didn't even dare to touch her tummy.

'Hostile uterus' the doctor had said after she had lost their first child - just a few weeks into her pregnancy. She didn't remember what the doctor had said after wards. Everything, that had come after those two, murderous words was too unclear, to dull to be properly remembered. The only thing she could think about was that she would never be able to have a child. His child. Ever.

''Kens'' his tender voice interrupted her thoughts and she turned her face away so he couldn't see the tears running down her face. That was definitely not what he had had in mind when he had asked her to marry him a year and two months ago. After being tortured for over three days, after some really ugly fights they had had discussing where they stood and where they wanted to be. After those three weeks of leaving her and the team to get himself together – not knowing if he would ever return. But he did. And he had proposed to her the minute he had set foot into the bull pen again. With every one watching. It had been such a beautiful – perfect but simple – proposal. She had just been entering the bull pen when she noticed that there was no one but her on the ground floor and as she had looked up, she had seen everyone starring down at her from the balconies, bright smiles on their faces. Then music had started playing, the waltz, to be specific. The next thing she remembered was seeing him step in front of her, kneeling down and showing her that little black box she had always wanted to watch pop open just for her to say yes. And she had. She had said yes. And now all that had been for nothing.

No, this was not what he had had in mind. And it was not what she had wanted his life to look like. Her life. Their lives.

''I'm gonna go shower'' she proclaimed quietly, got up, walked away from the bed and into the bathroom.

''I'll make you breakfast'' she heard his voice on the other side of the door but she did not bother to answer. She didn't even know why he was still with her. Every day he reassured her that he loved her and that it didn't matter whether she could have kids or not. He was so convinced of the possibility that this 'hostile uterus' of hers could change. But she did not believe that. In fact, she had already given up every thought she had had about starting a family, having kids, feeling that first kick inside her tummy.

They hadn't been wanting a child at the time she had gotten pregnant. It had just happened. And now those two or three weeks of heaven had been transformed into a fire-breathing hell. She didn't remember the last time they had actually talked about having kids. Maybe it had been one or two months after the proposal. Of course, she was still happy. 'We can always adopt' he always tried to console her but she knew deep in her heart that that had never been part of his plan. Nor hers.

A deep nausea interrupted her thoughts as she got out of the cold shower. She knelt down next to the toilet, her hand pressing the towel – that she had quickly grabbed and wrapped herself in – to her chest. This had almost turned into a routine in the last few days. She had the feeling that the more she thought about it, the worse she felt and lately she had been thinking about it a lot. For some reason the topic 'babies' had come up between her and Nell a week ago and since then she could not stop thinking about her vicious uterus. She took one hand off the towel and pulled her hair back as she leaned over the toilet.

''Kens, you okay?'' he leaned against the bathroom door, hearing that same voice he had heard over the past few days. This time he didn't wait for her to answer, instead he rushed into the bathroom only to find his fiance – his partner, his friend – curled up next to the toilet in a constant up- and downward motion. She constantly knelt up and leaned over the toilet only to fall back into the curled up position as she noticed that there was nothing to come out of her anymore.

''Kens'' his voice was almost a whisper and his face pale as he saw how bad she was feeling.

''Can you-'' she started but at the same time her body jumped and again she was leaning over the toilet. Seconds later he was by her side, holding her hair back and gently rubbing her back.

''You can't blame yourself for this, Kens. It's not doing you any good'' he stated the obvious and helped her get up after a few minutes of sitting there in a quiet with her.

''I'm fine'' she murmured as he helped her walk back to their room and sit down on the bed. He gently rubbed her knees as he knelt down in front of her.

''I can see that'' he commented, his eyes worried, as if she was about to get shot. He put a strand of hair behind her ear and gingerly touched her face with that one hand, the other still resting on her left knee.

''We can't go on like this, babe'' he said softly, his voice was still trembling but at least his eyes seemed to have relaxed a little. ''Please, let me take you to the doctor, he can prescribe you something and maybe-'' she slowly put up her hand, placing her hand on his cheek, her thumb pressed against his lips as to shut him up.

''Alright, I'll do it. You can take me there but first, let me get dressed'' she gave him a tired but honest smile and got up to get dressed. She knew exactly that this person she was about to see was the one person she'd hoped she would never have to see again. Still, he was right – they couldn't go on like this.

''Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them - that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.''
-Lao Tzu

I hope you liked this one, and that you weren't to disappointed. I know you guys are eager to keep reading about Deeks and how he wakes up - but you'll hate me anyway for the way I'm gonna wake him up so if you hate me for this or for the next one doesn't matter - just keep in mind: it's necessary...nahhhh just kidding I just LOVE seeing you guys suffer ;)

And thanks again, you're being AMAZING followers