June 22nd.
Dear Diary,
I am 16. One more year.
one more year until I can marry Lucius
one more year until I can join the Dark Lord
one more year.
Love,
Bella.
July 12th.
Dear Diary,
Home no longer feels like home to me. They say home is where the heart is, and my heart resides with Lucius, with the Dark Lord, with the Death Eater Youth. Can one have three homes? Three homes which are not homes at all? Can my heart split itself into threes?
I am going mad in this house, I have not seen Lucius or anyone but mother, father, and Cissy in nearly a week. Cissy is positively useless. She reads, sends owls, goes on strolls around the garden discussing the silliest possible topics. Yesterday evening after dinner I agreed to go for a walk with her, out of sheer boredom. We get halfway around the enchanted rose garden, sparkling in the fading sun, and dancing to an untracable breeze without her speaking a single word.
"If you didn't want to chat, why did you request company?" I asked her curtly.
"I find I can enjoy one's company without constant jabbering, but if you do not feel the same, I'm happy to engage you in some conversation, dear sister." She replied politely, stopping to waft the sweet aroma of the roses.
"Stopping to smell the roses, are we?" I sniggered at her, though drew closer to the beautiful flower bed as well, the breeze carrying the sweet scent of summer flowers to my nose.
"Indeed," She said shortly, enjoying the roses thoroughly before speaking again, "I always think of you like a rose, cliche as it sounds. You, with all your beauty, you with all your thorns."
I stared at her for a moment, unsure of what to say. She smiled back and began walking again, holding her head high with all her long hair falling behind her, swaying lightly as she walked around the corner. I hurried after her, stunned and awkward.
"Do you miss Andy?" She asked me as I caught up with her around the bend of the rose's bed.
"Andy? ANDY?" I laughed without any mirth, "The Andy who betrayed us all? The Andy who married mudblood filth, destroying our name, our purity, our family? No, I do not miss that blood traitoring scum!"
"Not THAT Andy, Bella." Cissy sighed heavily, "The Andy who you spent hours spilling your heart out to. The Andy who you told all about your first kiss, your first year at Hogwarts, your first hex when you were 6. The Andy who held your hand that day when you were 8 and you cried and cried because you accidently cursed your hair off. The Andy who we grew up with, the Andy who made you tea when you were upset, the Andy who we spent many a summer out in this garden with, the Andy we loved."
"She's a blood traitor, she's as good as dead." I retorted cooley.
"Why can't you feel anything but anger?" She demanded, frustrated I refused to indulge in her nostalgia.
"I can, I just choose not to share every single emotion with you." I snapped back, biting my bottom lip in aggrivation, "Since when have you become Mrs. Feelings anyway? What is wirh the sudden interest in examining our emotions, reveling in memories? Its a waste of time, simply a waste."
"I'd like to have about 4 children." She said dreamily, her eyes following a butterfly hovering a few inches from the tip of her nose, "I'd like to be a mother, a good mother, not like ours. I'd like to know my children, to protect them. I think I'll name the boys Draco and Scorpius."
I simply stared at her, unsure of how to respond and mentally writing myself a note never to take a stroll with Cissy again. She continued as though she had not noticed my discomfort or lack of response.
"And I would like to name the girls Trixie and Dromeda, after the two of you, you and Andy." She grinned at me, expecting some sort of reaction, but I simply stared back at her, completely off balance as we walked the paths around our gardens, "Don't you like the names, Bella? Aren't they perfect?"
"They're... um, well they're great, Cis." I stuttered uncertainly, "But why the sudden interest in becoming mummy dearest? What about your life?"
"I want my children to be my life." She shrugged.
"I don't understand you, sometimes." I looked at her from the corners of my dark eyes, "But as long as its a pureblood, the man you marry, I support you."
"Don't you want children one day?" She asked softly, rounding another corner, strolling aimlessly towards a bed of poisonus flowers, which I steered her away from, "Children of your own?"
"I don't know, Cissy," I paused as we passed a safer bed of bright orange and shocking pink flowers that were nearly my height, with petals the size of quaffles. I looked back at her, "Its not really in my plans yet. Maybe though, after I do... other things."
"Other things?" She smirked, knowingly, "Other things like the Death Eaters?"
"Well... okay fine, yes." I replied in a whisper, "But don't go advertising it."
"Bella, I hate to break this to you, but you're in the Death Eater Youth, your plans are no secret to anyone at Hogwarts." She laughed, her footsteps in line with my own, echoing softly on the cobblestone.
"They're a secret to mum and dad," I said, lowering my voice even further as we neared the back door of the house, our stroll drawing to a conclusion, "I am supposed to marry well, have children and that's it. I'm not supposed to be... to be a... a...-"
"Warrior?" Cissy offered brightly.
"YES!" I grinned, "I was going to say murderer, but I prefer warrior by a wide margin. Yes Cissy, I am not supposed to be a warrior."
"I certainly won't be the one to tell them their oldest, smartest, prettiest little daughter is going to go join the Dark Lord and get herself killed, you can do that."
"Get myself killed?" I looked at her, disgusted by her lack of faith in the Dark Lord, "Listen Cissy, I am not signing up for a death sentence, I am signing up for glory!"
"If you say so, Bella." She shrugged as we entered our house. I stormed passed her, ascended the sprial staircase and collapsed in my room, seething with the memories of our conversation.
I wish I had someone to talk to about all this, someone besides Lucius, who really cannot be bothered with tiresome details of sisterly conversations. Sometimes, dear diary, I feel very alone.
Love,
Bella
August 16th
Dear Diary,
Lucius and I have spent most of the summer in each other's company. Often times along with Severus or Lestrange, the two closest confidents of Lucius. I don't mind them, or their companionship. They are well breed, well read, and a bit of a laugh when Lucius is always so serious.
We spend the hours absorbed in reading, discussing our futures and the progress of the Dark Lord, or Lucius and I excuse ourselves from the others for time to be intimate. His kisses range from soft and sweet to passionatly agressive. I do love him.
I cannot wait until we are reunited with Hogwarts and the rest of the Death Eater Youth. It feels very strange to be so seperated.
And furthermore, when I am away from Lucius, I often feel as though I am away from myself. I caught myself almost having a conversation, an actual conversation with my house elf the other day when I hadn't seen Lucius, Sev, or Lestrange in a couple days. I will never admit that to a single soul, but you have no soul, dear diary, except that which I pour into you. And seeing as the consensus about my soul is negative, I'm not sure I am pouring anything into these pages.
I must try and read more of our hexing book, its quite useful. I'm going to mark some more hexes to practice at Hogwarts this year, for the Death Eater Youth, its something to keep my mind focused on the things that are important.
Love,
Bella
September 15th
Dear Diary,
Remember the incident last year on the Hogwarts express that resulted in group detentions for myself, Sirius, James, Fabian, Ted, Lucius, Severus, Dolohov, and Pettigrew?
I faced the first of this series this evening. Or I suppose it was yesterday evening now that it is 1am.
What awful task did McGonagall set in store for us? WE HAD TO GO INTO THE FORBIDDEN FOREST WITH THAT INCOMPETANT GAMEKEEPER HAGRID!
I had to watch, with complete and utter disgust, as the disgusting half-giant game keeper fawned over James Potter "Quiddich Star" for 3 hours as we ventured deeper and deeper into the black uncertainly of the forbidden forest.
Within the first 20 minutes Fabian had already tripped me. I landed without grace, nearly hitting my head against the nearest tree. Hagrid was too busy conversing with Potter about how he caught the snitch in the quiddich final the previous spring. The rest of us were left to fend for ourselves, trailing behind them, battling the various branches, bugs, and jumping the over grown roots that lined the forest floor, the roots Fabian had used to push me into.
"Watch it, Prewett, or I'll give you a taste of your future at the mercy of the Death Eaters." I whispered when I had regained my balance.
"Fuck off, Black." He laughed, as we continued on, the night and the darkness pressing against our feeble wand lights. Lucius shot Fabian a glare, but Sirius interjected before he could speak.
"Don't refer to her as a Black, Fab." Sirius scowled, "I cannot bear to be reminded of our shared lineage."
"As if you're worthy of being called a Black!" I hissed to my blood-traitor cousin, "You're a disgrace! Your poor mother and father, having a rotten traitorus scumbag git as their child!"
"Better than the fate of your parents, having a souless, conniving, Death Eating, cow of a daughter." Sirius shot back.
"As if you're fit to judge anyone, Black," Severus glared at Sirius, stepping in his stride so they walked beside each other along the overgrown 'path' Hagrid was leading us along. "If you were my son, I'd have given you away to muggles, as a favor to the entire wizarding world."
"Where'd you get that idea from, Snivellus?" Sirius sneered, "Is that what your mummy tried to do after she saw what you looked like?"
"No, Sev!" Dolohov said quickly, grabbing Severus' wrist as he reached for his wand, "He's not worth anymore detentions than we've already been assigned."
"What are we doing in the forest, exactly?" Lucius piped up suddenly, addressing Hagrid who turned around in surprise at the question.
"O' I'm takin' you all to collect some spider webs from my mate Aragog, innit?" He replied curtly, turning back to his conversation with Potter.
"Collecting spider webs?" Lucius looked appalled, "In the forbidden forest? This is absurd. What are they even for?"
"Potions, Malfoy!" Hagrid barked without turning around again, "Now quit yer whinin' and keep walkin'. Its a bit further at the mo' but we'll get there."
"Get WHERE?" Lucius demanded, "Where are these spider webs?"
"Further on." Hagrid replied, his voice etched with aggrivation, as we continued to walk. The moon could not penetrate the blanket of tree branches and leaves above us and, despite my best attempts to feel only annoyed, fear began to bubble inside me the deeper we ventured into the forest.
"Is little Bellatrix scared?" Fabian taunted cruelly about 30 minutes into the woods, "I hear there are vampires in here, but who wants your blood? Its polluted."
"With what exactly?" I raised my eye brows, prepared to remind him I was a pureblood.
"Essence of insanity." He replied, met my chuckles from Pettigrew, Potter, Ted, and Sirius.
"I cannnot stand these fools," Lucius whispered to Sev, Dolohov, and I as their laughter died down, "Soon, very soon, we'll do away with them and be by the side of the Dark Lord."
"Something you wanna say, Malfoy?" Potter asked, smirking, his features dark and distorted in the wand light.
"Not to you, Potter." Lucius replied coldly, tossing his blond hair from his face.
"Ah, here we go!" Hagrid exclaimed suddenly, pointing through the bramble of trees to a clearly where about a dozen of the largest spiders I had ever layed eyes on rested peacefully, their eight eyes closed in slumber. They were acromontulus, the dangerous, poisonus breed of giant spiders, spiders the size of small bedrooms. All of us, Slytherins and Gryffindors, regarded these creatures with horror, our eyes fixated on the hideous terrible creatures sleeping before us.
"Can we feed them Bellatrix, Snivellus, Malfoy, and Dolohov while we're here?" Sirius asked Hagrid hopefully.
"Now now, we're not here for feedin' them!" Hagrid laughed softly, "We're just here to collect some o' the cobwebs we see 'round this area! Like beside Ted there, a little closer to the clearing, there's a giant cobweb! We grab some o' those and head back up to the school."
The act of collecting the cobwebs of giant spiders is both disgusting and unnerving, however we completed our task without waking the beasts and we're on our way back to school in little over 20 minutes. The walk back was quiet though the night air was filled with tension and insults unspoken but dancing on the tips of our tongues. By the time the castle was in view it had began to rain, and Hagrid sprinted to his hut to save the cob webs, instructing us all to make our way across the grounds and return immediatly to our dorms.
As-fucking-if. We had been waiting to face each other without supervision since we met at the entrance hall and hour and a half previously, our eyes had already been narrowed in pronounced hatred.
We moved slowly towards the castle in silence, but as the rain fell steadily, growing in its intensity so did all of our anger towards each other and finally-
"Ow!" James fell into the mud, with a well placed tripping curse from Lucius who sniggered beside Sev, Dolohov and I.
"That was quite unnessacary!" Ted exclaimed, helping James to his feet. Potter was splattered with mud down his front, and merely spread it on his face as he attempted to straighten his hair and glasses, "Can we try and act civil? Try, being the operative word, I'm sure."
"Why would we try and do that?" I sneered, "As if you deserve even the facade of an effort, you lousy, disgusting mudblood?"
As on the train, the next few events all happened in rapid succession. Snape hexed Potter into a full body bind, submerging him once more into the mud, which resulted in Fabian hitting Sev with a dancing curse and as he danced his way around the group of us in the pouring rain he still managed to curse sirius' school uniform into a bright pink and very frilly dress. Lucius, Dolohov and I roared with laughter before Sirius hit hung Severus upside down by the ankles, his robes falling over his head. Lucius responded expidiatly with a well aimed jelly-legs curse to Sirius who fired back with a curse that turned his nose into a pumpkin. Weigh down by his new nose, Lucius fell into the mud, which renewed cheers from the Gryffindors.
"Stop!" Ted tried to shout as his laughter subsided, "This is crazy!"
"Its perfectly reasonable if you ask me!" Fabain shouted back as Sanpe hung desperatly in mid air and Dolohov tried to fix Lucius' nose, "Look at the scum we're fighting! We should get rewards for cursing these disgraces to the wizarding world, not detentions!"
"You think you're so special, don't you Prewett?" I asked him, disgusted, "You're oh so noble, huh? You and your little mudblood friend are always the innocent ones who are defending themselves against the big bad Slytherins?"
"You're not so big and bad, Bellatrix, you're pathetic!" He cried in mounting frustration, "You're some stupid tart who thinks she's all high and mighty because Lucius Malfoy is boning her and lets her watch all the little kid Death Eater meetings! Here's some news for you, you daft cow, there are NO female Death Eaters! Not a single one reported! And Lucius Malfoy is a nasty little berk who might be rich and pureblood but no one honestly cares if you're the slut he's screwing, or if he lets you think you're going to be a part of this Death Eater nonsense! They're using you, you're their plaything! No one takes you seriously, Bellatrix! No one!"
"YOU WILL! YOU ALL WILL IF YOU DON'T NOW! JUST WAIT, YOU JUST WAIT AND SEE WHAT I CAN DO!" I was crying, I could feel my eyes burn, but the tears blended with the rain, it was all blurring together then, "YOU'RE THE PATHETIC ONE! YOU'RE SO BLIND YOU CANNOT SEE YOUR ERRORS, YOUR ARROGANCE, THE TRUTH THAT THIS WORLD IS COMING TOGETHER IN THE HANDS OF THE DARK LORD AND THAT YOU'RE TRYING TO FUCK WITH HIS FOLLOWERS, HIS FUTURE DEATH EATERS, THE PEOPLE WHO WILL KILL YOU, FABIAN PREWETT, YOU WILL DIE BY OUR HANDS!"
"Shut the fuck up, Bellatrix, and get the fuck in the castle, you're pathetic, you're simply pathetic!" Fabain yelled back, over the wind and the rain, "Get the fuck out of my sight!"
"FUCK YOU!" I shouted, irate beyond measure, and I raised my wand. We had been practicing a lot of dark hexes, but the one that came to mind was an invention of Severus, and it sliced a gash across Fabian's chest and his blood mixed sickeningly with the rain, "Hows that, you peice of scum? Who is pathetic now? Are you taking me seriously yet, you bloody git?"
Potter and Sirius managed to close the cut, though Fabian was pale and sickly looking, shocked at the amount of blood that had poured from his chest. Lucius' nose was no longer a pumpkin, and her pulled me closer to him immediatly, eyeing them wearily.
"Gonna take this to McGonagall?" Lucius demanded, "Are you Gryffindors going to be cowards?"
"Oh no," Fabian shook his pale head, his dark hair clinging to his face in the rain, "We'll get you all back with something much worse that more detentions, Malfoy."
"I'm very frightened." Severus smirked at them, his long greasy hair lanky and hanging around his face as continued to speak, "You all cannot do anything, we're future Death Eaters for fucks sake! You can't hurt us! I'd like to see you try!"
"Oh you will see it, you will," Fabian said darkly, "And as for you, Bellatrix? Its going to take a lot more than that for me to take some insane tart seriously. Control your little girl, Malfoy, she'll get hurt playing with the big boys."
"You seem to be the one hurt, Prewett." Malfoy answered back, his words entirely made of ice, "Now lets get the fuck inside, I'm freezing half to death in this bloody flood."
We left the muddy rain splattered grounds without another word. Now here I am, in my dorm soaking wet, and completely awake though the minutes are ticking away and I have class early tomorrow.
I know McGonagall is trying to bring us closer, but the closer we get to these Gryffindors the further apart we all become.
I hate them, my dear diary, I hate them. I wish they'd die. I wish they'd just die.
And I wish that as they lay dying, they saw me and knew I was their killer, knew I was their conqueror. I'd like my smile to be the last thing they see. Lucius tells me not to get too angry, not to let my passion get the best of me. But who is he to talk?
we're all ruled by our passions and mine are building. They'll break one day, and one day soon. Next detention is next Friday night. I have a feeling that may be the day.
Love,
Bella