Chapter VI: Just Get Me to the Church on Time

A/N: This story was inspired by "The Thin White Sleuth…" by Pika-la-Cynique of Girls Next Door fame.

Transcript by Ariane DeVere aka Callie Sullivan.

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Sarah, though always amazed by her husband's voice, was glad that Jareth had resisted bursting into song before or during the wedding save for a rendition of "Just Get Me to the Church on Time" when he and Sherlock had shoved John towards the church when the groom started getting nervous.

"What if I fall on my face? What if the church catches on fire? What if she realizes how much of an ass I am?" John said.

"She already knows you're an ass," Sherlock, Jareth, and Sarah said at the same time.

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The only other hiccup of the morning was that Mary got sick from wedding nerves.

"Here, Mary. Have some ginger ale. Once your stomach settles, you can use this emergency toothbrush kit," Sherlock said.

"Thank you, Sherlock," Mary said miserably.

"Your make-up and hair still looks good," Sarah said, "A little touch-up for the lips and we will be back in business."

"Mary," Sherlock said, "We should discuss why you became ill."

"One word about my digestive system, and I will puke on your shoes and then make you walk barefoot down the aisle," Mary said.

Sherlock wisely kept his mouth shut.

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The ceremony was, of course, lovely. The bride was, of course, beautiful. The groom was, of course, awestruck. And the best man was, surprisingly, perfect.

John and Mary took a variety of pictures after the ceremony, currently of just the two of them. Jareth stood behind Sarah with his arms wrapped around her waist. Molly (in a yellow dress that looked similar to something Dante had sketched) was near her fiancé, Tom, cheering on the proceedings as was Mrs. Hudson. Sherlock looked rather mournful. Janine, a pretty brunette who was the maid of honor, struck up a conversation with him.

"The famous Mr. Holmes! I'm very pleased to meet you. But no sex, okay?"

Well, that's one way to start a conversation.

Sherlock was startled. "Um, sorry?"

Janine laughed in good humor. "You don't have to look so scared. I'm only messing. Bridesmaid, best man. It's a bit traditional." She gently punched his arm, which seemed to confuse Sherlock.

"Is it?"

"But not obligatory," Janine said as she realized that he was not understanding her playful teasing.

Sherlock began working out a problem in his mind. "If that's the sort of thing you're looking for the man over there in blue is your best bet. Recently divorced doctor with a ginger cat, a barn conversion, and a history of erectile dysfunction."

Sarah covered her mouth as she tried not to giggle at the conversation she was overhearing. Jareth heard it as well and was laughing into the crook of Sarah's neck.

Sherlock frowned. "Reviewing that information, possibly not your best bet."

"Yeah, maybe not, Janine said.

"Sorry. There was one more deduction there than I was expecting," Sherlock said.

Janine took Sherlock's arm. "Mr. Holmes, you're going to be incredibly useful."

"Daw. Sherlock has a new buddy," Sarah said.

"Does that mean we are no longer on babysitting duty?" Jareth asked, "We get to have alone time during this wedding?"

Sarah groaned. "You are insufferable. No. We are going to take care of Sherlock. He is stressed out. Mary and John are stressed out."

"I'm stressed out. You're stressed out. I have a lovely activity in mind to remove stress for the two of us," Jareth said.

Sarah elbowed him. "Get your mind out of the gutter."

"My mind may be in the gutter, but I am looking at the stars."

"No. Bad Jareth. You are not allowed to quote or paraphrase Oscar Wilde."

"Oh, but it works out so well for me when I do."

This wedding is going to be murder.

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John and Mary stood outside the venue of the reception. Sherlock stood by John's side as the rest of the wedding party stood a little further back. "Are you going to wear the hat all day?" Sarah asked.

Jareth glanced up at the silver top hat. "Of course not. It is rude for a man to wear a hat indoors. I took it off in the church."

"I am still shocked you didn't catch on fire," Sarah said.

"I was baptized, be it many centuries ago," Jareth said, "I have a slight immunity. However, I feel the need to reestablish my evil ways and…"

"Jareth, please. You can wait a couple of hours," Sarah said.

"You look so beautiful in that dress and it reminds me of how gorgeous you were on our wedding day. Then I remember other things and…"

"I will elbow you in the groin if you don't shut up."

Jareth sighed but cheered up almost instantly. "Ah, so David did show up."

"Oh, yeah. Mary's friend."

"Mary's ex," Jareth corrected, "Sherlock may have had a talk with him."

Sarah sighed. "Please don't tell me that Sherlock threatened him."

"Fine then. I won't."

Sarah groaned. "He's harmless."

"Precious, you have no room to discuss how to deal with your spouse's ex-partners."

"Well, I doubt David is going to sell top-secret government secrets while poisoning Mary."

Archie ran up and hugged Sherlock. The detective awkwardly patted Archie's head as he was unsure of how to deal with such affection.

"Mm, yes, um, well done in the service, Archie," Sherlock said.

Archie's Mother said, "He's really come out of his shell. I don't know how you did it. He said you had some pictures for him as a treat."

Sherlock patted Archie's head again. "Er, yes... if he's good."

"Beheadings," Archie said cheerily.

"Lovely little village," Sherlock said quickly.

Jareth snickered. "I thought that little boy reminded me of someone."

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Inside was chatting and minor chaos. Molly was showing off Tom and repeatedly kissing his cheek. Mrs. Hudson enjoyed her glass of wine with Lestrade who was making liberal use of the free bar. John and Mary were enjoying the appetizers. Mary in particular indulged as she had worked hard to look her best for the wedding. (Dante swore she would look lovely without losing weight, but Mary had insisted.)

Sherlock was in the back chatting with Janine. Sarah was sitting near where they were speaking as her feet were hurting her more than usual. Jareth was holding Sarah's hand tightly, almost to the point of pain.

"We will leave if you don't think you can do this," Sarah said, "There is nothing to be…"

"I want to see our friends married. Besides, I have to keep a look-out for any Fae who might steal the bride. You never know with Dante, that insufferable flirt."

Sarah rolled her eyes. "I wonder where he gets it from."

Janine noticed a good-looking waiter. "He's nice."

Sherlock said, "Traces of two leading brands of deodorant, both advertised for their strength, suggestive of a chronic body odor problem manifesting under stress."

"Okay, done there," Janine said. She motioned towards the kitchen to a waiter who was removing a skewer from a large joint of roast beef. "What about his friend?

"Long-term relationship, compulsive cheat," Sherlock informed.

"Seriously?"

"Waterproof cover on his smart phone. Yet his complexion doesn't indicate outdoor work. Suggests he's in the habit of taking his phone into the shower with him, which means he often receives texts and emails he'd rather went unseen."

"Can I keep you?" Janine said.

"Do you like solving crimes?" Sherlock asked.

"Do you have a vacancy?" Janine said cheerfully.

Jareth seemed deeply amused by this. He seemed comfortable enough to go talk to Sherlock without Sarah. She went over to the newlyweds. "How are the guests shaping up?"

"Harry is a no show," John said.

"Darling, I'm so sorry," Mary said.

"It was a bit of a punt asking her, I suppose. Still, free bar – wouldn't have been a good mix," John said.

Sarah glanced over at Jareth who was walking over to her. He wrapped his arms around her. "Baby happy?"

"We are fine," Sarah said.

John looked over the entrance and was surprised by what he saw. There was a highly-decorated, uniformed man with a scarred face who carried a saber at his side.

"Look at that lettuce leaf," Sarah said in awe.

"Lettuce leaf?" Jareth asked.

"All the medals," Sarah said, "I don't think I have ever seen that many honors on a person in real life before."

"He came!" John said joyfully. He went over to the man and they saluted each other.

Sherlock walked over to Mary. "So that's him. Major Sholto."

"One would assume that with even the slightest use of deduction or are you distracted?" Jareth said.

Sarah elbowed Jareth.

Sherlock huffed, "If they're such good friends, why does he barely even mention him?"

"He mentions him all the time to me. He never shuts up about him," Mary said.

"About him?" Sherlock said.

Mary took a sip from her glass of wine and grimaced. "Ugh. I chose this wine. It's bloody awful."

Sarah sniffed the wine and wrinkled her nose. "Yeah, that smells awful."

Sherlock asked, "Yes, but it's definitely him that he talks about? I've never even heard him say his name."

Sarah said, "Well, he's almost a recluse. Lives god only knows where since, you know..."

"Yes," Sherlock said.

Mary said. "I didn't think he'd show up at all. John says he's the most unsociable man he's ever met."

Sherlock was deeply insulted. "He is? He's the most unsociable? Ah, that's why he's bouncing round him like a puppy."

Mary and Sarah both hugged Sherlock. "Poor baby," Sarah cooed.

"Oh, Sherlock! Neither of us were the first, you know," Mary reassured him.

Sherlock glared at Mary and then Sarah. "Stop smiling."

"It's my wedding day!" Mary protested.

Sarah giggled as Sherlock pulled away. Mary took another sip from her glass and made another face. "Worst. Wine. Ever. It's like eating yeast mixed with vinegar."

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Jareth had been pulled aside by Mrs. Hudson, allowing Sarah to walk around the room freely. She saw Sherlock talking on the phone and she had a good guess as to who it was.

"Even at the eleventh hour it's not too late, you know. Cars can be ordered, private jets commandeered." Sherlock paused. "What a shame. Mary and John will be extremely d..." Another pause. "Oh, I don't know. There should always be a specter at the feast."

Sarah took a sip of Coca-Cola from her glass as she inched close enough to hear Mycroft speaking. "I suppose I'll be seeing a lot more of you from now on."

"What do you mean?" Sherlock said.

"Just like old times."

"No, I don't understand."

"Well, it's the end of an era, isn't it? John and Mary – domestic bliss."

Sherlock was obviously distressed. "No, no, no – I prefer to think of it as the beginning of a new chapter. …What?"

"Nothing!"

"I know that silence. What?"

"Well, I'd better let you get back to it. You have a big speech, or something, don't you?"

Sherlock was still seething from not being answered. "What?"

"Cake, karaoke... mingling."

"Mycroft!"

"This is what people do, Sherlock – they get married. I warned you: don't get involved."

"Involved? I'm not involved."

Oh, Sherlock. Yes, you are.

"No?"

"John asked me to be his best man. How could I say no?"

Mycroft responded sarcastically, "Absolutely!"

"I'm not involved!" Sherlock insisted.

Mycroft's sarcasm continued. "I believe you! Really, I do! Have a lovely day, and do give the happy couple my best."

"I will," Sherlock said.

"Oh, by the way, Sherlock – do you remember Redbeard?"

There was a shift in Sherlock's demeanor. His body tensed and his jaw tightened. In a manner that reminded her of Jareth, he said, "I'm not a child any more, Mycroft."

"No, of course you're not. Enjoy not getting involved, Sherlock."

Sherlock hung up the phone. "How much did you hear, Sarah?"

"We should take a walk, Sherlock. We have time for that," Sarah said, "I need some fresh air."

Sherlock took Sarah's arm and led her to the garden. She patted Jareth's shoulder as she passed him. After walking for a minute outside, Sarah sat down on a bench and took off her high-heeled, lilac shoes.

"Oh, that feels marvelous," Sarah moaned.

"I am perfectly alright," Sherlock said.

"You called Mycroft. You are not even close to alright," Sarah said. She leaned back on her hands and stuck out her legs. "Are you worried about the speech?"

Sherlock began to pace. "No, I mean, yes. Jareth has been helping me. Everything should be fine."

We're doomed.

"Jareth can be a persuasive speaker," Sarah said.

"The ceremony went perfectly. The lunch seems to be on its way. The cake arrived with no issues. None of the bridesmaids are drunk."

"The napkins are perfectly folded," Sarah added.

"Why should I not be alright?"

"I don't know, Sherlock. I just know that I have never seen you call Mycroft. Only a few texts to annoy him here and there."

Sherlock shrugged.

"Who's Redbeard?"

Sherlock stopped his pacing and turned towards Sarah. "You heard that?"

"I did. Who is he? An uncle? A friend?"

Sherlock sat next to Sarah on the bench. "…My dog when I was a boy."

Sarah lit up. "A puppy? You had a puppy named Redbeard? And you wanted to be a pirate! What a perfect name!"

"He was put down," Sherlock said.

Sarah patted Sherlock's back lightly three times. "I am sorry to hear that."

"You understand," Sherlock said, "More than anyone else here, how important a dog is. He was my… friend. A source of calm."

"Merlin was that to me too," Sarah said, "No matter how angry or scared I was, Merlin was always there for me."

Jareth came up the path, his silver top hat on his head slightly askew as Archie was riding on his shoulders. "We're the search party!" Archie exclaimed.

"And you have found us!" Sarah said. She slipped back on her shoes and kissed Sherlock's cheek. "You are John's best friend and you love him very much. You will be great."

Sherlock nodded, stood up, and stretched. Jareth put down Archie and then swung Sarah up into his arms, causing her to laugh.

"I see my chariot has arrived," Sarah said. She snatched his hat. "How do I look?"

"Like the Mad Hatter, precious," Jareth said.

"Then it is a success!" Sarah said.

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The wedding meal was three courses and it all was mouthwateringly delicious. Janine and two other bridesmaids sat on Mary's side while Sherlock, Sarah, and Jareth sat by John. Sarah could see that Sherlock was becoming more and more nervous as his speech drew closer.

The Master of Ceremonies tapped a spoon against a champagne glass. "Pray silence for the best man."

The guests applauded and cheered. Sherlock stood and buttoned his jacket. Jareth rested his arm around Sarah's shoulder and gave her a reassuring squeeze.

"He'll be fine," Jareth whispered to her, "There may be some bumps, but he will do a good job."

Sherlock cleared his throat. "Ladies and gentlemen, family and friends... and... erm... others. Er... w... Also..."

Sarah glanced over to where Mrs. Hudson, Molly, Tom, and Lestrade sat. They looked as worried as Sarah felt. Jareth's smile set her at ease somewhat.

"Telegrams," John said quietly.

"Right, um..." Sherlock patted his jacket before realizing the telegrams were on the table. "First things first. Telegrams. Well, they're not actually telegrams. We just call them telegrams. I don't know why. Wedding tradition... because we don't have enough of that already, apparently."

Sarah gripped Jareth's knee. He whispered to her, "Relax, precious."

Sherlock read the first card. "To Mr. and Mrs. Watson. So sorry I'm unable to be with you on your special day. Good luck and best wishes, Mike Stamford."

Mary and John smiled and there was a murmur of acknowledgment from the crowd..

Sherlock read the next card. "To John and Mary. All good wishes for your special day. With love and many big... big squishy cuddles, from Stella and Ted."

Sarah smiled and resisted giggling. Jareth rested his head against Sarah's shoulder until his own giggling fit passed.

Sherlock glared at Sarah and Jareth before reading the next card. "Mary – lots of love... poppet ... Oodles of love and heaps of good wishes from CAM."

Jareth raised an eyebrow at Mary's sudden loss of a smile.

"Wish your family could have seen this," Sherlock read on.

John took Mary's hand. Mary reassured him that she was alright.

Sherlock began tossing cards onto the table. "Um, 'special day'... 'very special day' ... 'love'... 'love'... 'love'... 'love'... ; bit of a theme – you get the gist. People are basically fond."

The guests laughed. Sarah began to see that Sherlock was becoming more at ease with the speech.

Sherlock gestured to John before turning to the audience again. "John Watson. My friend, John Watson. John."

Mr. Holmes took a deep breath before continuing. "When John first broached the subject of being best man, I was confused. I confess at first I didn't realize he was asking me. When finally I understood, I expressed to him that I was both flattered and... surprised. I explained to him that I'd never expected this request and I was a little daunted in the face of it. I nonetheless promised that I would do my very best to accomplish a task which was – for me – as demanding and difficult as any I had ever contemplated. Additionally, I thanked him for the trust he'd placed in me..."

"I do not remember this," Jareth whispered to Sarah.

"...and indicated that I was, in some ways, very close to being... moved by it. It later transpired that I had said none of this out loud."

John laughed heartily as did the other guests. Sherlock seemed pleased that the joke was pulled off. He then took out cue cards from his pocket.

"Done that. Done that... Done that bit... Done that bit... Done that bit... Hmm..."

Sherlock glanced over at Jareth, a little lost. Jareth grinned and winked, which brought back Sherlock's normal disdain for humanity and his natural arrogance.

The best man turned to the groom. "I'm afraid, John, I can't congratulate you." He looked at the guests. "All emotions, and in particular love, stand opposed to the pure, cold reason I hold above all things. A wedding is, in my considered opinion, nothing short of a celebration of all that is false and specious and irrational and sentimental in this ailing and morally compromised world."

Greg and Molly were absolutely horrified. Sarah was trying to figure out any way for Sherlock to have misspoken

"Today we honor the death-watch beetle that is the doom of our society and, in time – one feels certain – our entire species."

Sarah glanced at Jareth, who was still grinning. She leaned towards him. "If you did this as a joke, I will not have sex with you until after the baby is born."

"Patience, precious. There is a method in his madness."

"That is not how the line goes."

Sherlock spoke again. "But anyway... let's talk about John. If I burden myself with a little help-mate during my adventures, it is not out of sentiment or caprice – it is that he has many fine qualities of his own that he has overlooked in his obsession with me. Indeed, any reputation I have for mental acuity and sharpness comes, in truth, from the extraordinary contrast John so selflessly provides."

Did he just…?

"It is a fact, I believe, that brides tend to favor exceptionally plain bridesmaids for their big day. There is a certain analogy there, I feel."

Jareth held Sarah back. "Wait," he whispered.

"...and contrast is, after all, God's own plan to enhance the beauty of his creation or it would be if God were not a ludicrous fantasy designed to provide a career opportunity for the family idiot."

Sarah truly wondered if embarrassment could kill as there was a vicar in attendance.

"The point I'm trying to make is that I am the most unpleasant, rude, ignorant and all-round obnoxious arsehole that anyone could possibly have the misfortune to meet." Sherlock glanced at the vicar. "I am dismissive of the virtuous..." then Sarah and Janine, "unaware of the beautiful..." with a final look at Mary and John, "and uncomprehending in the face of the happy. So if I didn't understand I was being asked to be best man, it is because I never expected to be anybody's best friend. Certainly not the best friend of the bravest and kindest and wisest human being I have ever had the good fortune of knowing. John, I am a ridiculous man redeemed only by the warmth and constancy of your friendship. But, as I'm apparently your best friend, I cannot congratulate you on your choice of companion. Actually, now I can."

The mood was turning.

"Mary, when I say you deserve this man, it is the highest compliment of which I am capable. John, you have endured war, loss, and heartbreak… so know this: today you sit between the woman you have made your wife and the man you have saved – in short, the two people who love you most in all this world. And I know I speak for Mary as well when I say we will never let you down, and we have a lifetime ahead to prove that."

Jareth passed a handkerchief to Sarah, though he was teary-eyed as well. Molly smiled with pride.

"If I try and hug him, stop me," John said.

"Certainly not," Mary said.

Sherlock moved onto the next card. "Ah, yes. Now on to some funny stories about John..." He stopped and saw that the guests were crying, becoming particularly alarmed when he saw the state of Jareth and Sarah. He turned to John. "What's wrong? What happened? Why are you all doing that? John?"

Mrs. Hudson said tearfully, "Oh, Sherlock!"

"Did I do it wrong?" Sherlock asked with fear evident in his voice.

John stood up. "No, you didn't. Come here."

John hugged Sherlock for the first time. The guests applauded. Sherlock reciprocated the hug, not entirely sure how he did it right, but glad that he did.

"I haven't finished yet," Sherlock said.

"Yeah, I know, I know," John said. He released Sherlock from the hug.

Sherlock tried to talk over the applause. "So, on to some funny stories..."

"Can you – can you wait 'til I sit down?" John said as he did sit down.

"So, on to some funny stories about John," Sherlock said, "If you could all just cheer up a bit, that would..."

The guests laughed.

"...be better. On we go," Sherlock said.

Jareth kissed Sarah's cheek. "I never thought I would see the day when Sherlock would be a good man. I don't think I could be prouder of him."

"He had you as an example," Sarah said.

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A/N: The chapter title is from, of course, My Fair Lady. And dang it, even writing the speech made me cry. There is no immunity to it. *shakes fist at the sky* SHERLOCK FEELS!