A/N: Thank you to my fantastic beta's BellaMadonna and koDEA. You ladies rock hardcore. This fic wouldn't be the same without you.
Thank you to my ladies on gchat who are continually supportive and excited over this fic. I love you all hard and your excitement over it makes my heart burst with happiness. I have to thank Agoraphobiantic - my fic wife and soulmate on the other side of the world - just because she's awesome and I don't know what I would do without her, both in relation to the fic world and RL.
Disclaimer: I still don't own Twilight.
- - - -
You risk more by risking nothing at all.
- - - -
Chapter 6 – Tire Swing Talks
EPOV
Pulling into the circular driveway of my parent's home, I parked behind Jasper's Mercedes GLK and killed the ignition. I leaned back in my seat, resting my head and closing my eyes for a moment. Thoughts of Bella had been consuming me for the last few days, clouding my mind of anything else, thus making me ill prepared for the inevitable argument that was sure to come between my father and myself today. I'm sure today would be interesting, simply because I hadn't spoken to my father in nearly a week and I knew he'd just ridicule and grill me about my course work.
How did I know this? I knew this because that's what happened every single time my father and I spoke and every single one of these Sunday family brunches.
Bella.
Bella had been at the forefront of my thoughts and dreams for the last two days, not that my dreams were anything different since I had first laid eyes on her, but this time my thoughts were different. I didn't know quite what to do about the recent development.
Bella was blind.
I wasn't sure why, but that new bit of information really had me distraught. It shouldn't really matter, should it? But yet, it did, and I was finding it hard to place what was bothering me so much about it. She was incredibly beautiful, smart, funny, seemed to know what she wanted out of life – everything I had ever thought I wanted in a girl. So what the fuck was my problem?!
I knew that tomorrow, Bella would be waiting for me at the park. I still hadn't even decided if I was going to go back there and see her again. I didn't know if I could. It would be a real dick thing for me to do, but I just didn't know if I could do it.
Taking a deep breath and shaking my head in an attempt to rid my thoughts of Bella – although it wasn't fucking likely that it would happen, I slowly got out of the car and headed up the brick steps and through the front door of my childhood home.
"Hello," I called out as I stepped into the foyer, slipping off my shoes. My mother was pretty much OCD when it came to a clean house. She made sure everyone took off their shoes. She couldn't stand the hardwoods being dirty. I'm surprised my ass wasn't deformed from all the spankings I endured as a child.
"We're in here, honey," I heard my mom call from the kitchen. "Don't forget to take your shoes off!"
I rolled my eyes as I headed through the hallway and towards the wide open kitchen. However, before I could walk through the high archway into the kitchen, a small, yet powerful, body charged me.
I groaned as Alice slammed into me, jumping up and wrapping her arms around my neck in a tight hug. I wrapped my arms around her waist, hugging her back.
"Hey short-stuff," I said as I reached my hand up and ruffled her hair.
She let out an aggravated sigh as she released my neck. "Damn it, Edward, don't touch my hair!" she shrieked at me, as she smoothed down her dark hair. In an attempt to look angry, she screwed her face up into a scowl, but she just looked so damn idiotic I had to laugh.
She rolled her eyes and punched me in the stomach. "You're lucky I love you so much you little fucker."
"Little? Who you callin' little, shorty? There ain't nothing little about me!" I stated teasingly, shaking my eyebrows up and down suggestively.
"You're disgusting," she said, rolling her eyes at me, and smacking me in the stomach, causing me to hunch over. The girl was tiny, but she packed a mean punch!
"I missed you, ya big dork," Alice continued as I straightened up and she threaded her arm through my mine.
"I missed you, too."
"Have you been ignoring me? I haven't heard from you in almost two weeks!"
"Sorry Alice, I've just been a little… Distracted,"
"Hmm, distracted you say," Alice stated, eyeing me suspiciously, "Tell me about her."
I coughed loudly, and then laughed nervously. "What are you talking about Alice? Who is 'her'?"
Alice rolled her eyes at me, and stepped in front of me as I tried to go around her in an attempt to avoid the intrusive questions that were certainly soon to follow. Where my sister was concerned, there was no such thing as tact. Alice believed that she deserved to know about everything going on in everyone's life, especially mine. It didn't help that I always told her everything anyway, so that sort of gave her the green light to ask me whatever the fuck she wanted, whenever the fuck she wanted to. Plus, even if I didn't tell her everything, she would know anyway, considering she knew me better than I know myself – as cliché as that fucking sounded.
I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. "Can we talk about it later, Al?"
She continued to eye me suspiciously, but nodded her head. I wouldn't be able to avoid this conversation with her, and she knew it. Truthfully, I wanted to talk to her about it. I knew she'd be able to help me sort through my uncertain and discontented thoughts.
Half an hour later, the five of us were sitting around the table, engaging in nonchalant conversation.
"Edward, how are classes, man? Anxious to finish up?" Jasper asked me, from across the table, before taking a bite of his chicken.
I nodded my head enthusiastically, swallowing the food I had been chewing. "You have no idea - although, I'm really excited for Thursday. In my Art of Music course, where the focus is on the organizational principles and historical development of music from the Middle Ages to the twentieth century, we've been working the majority of the semester towards a final project. Thursday, I present mine. I've chosen to focus on the Renaissance period. I actually was able to track down a lute –,"
"A what?" Jasper asked me, arching his eyebrow.
"A lute. In simple terms, it's basically a guitar," I explained. "Anyway, so I found one in mint condition and bought it –,"
"How much did that cost? I'm assuming you were wasting the money I put in your account on that ridiculous thing, since you don't have a job. It better not have cost a fortune," my father interrupted, not even bothering to look up from his dinner plate as he spoke.
I looked at him incredulously, and no matter how often he continued to berate my love of music, it still shocked me he could be so outwardly insensitive to it.
"Go on, honey, tell us about your project," my mother stated quietly, patting me on the hand gently while also giving me a look that was an attempt at apologizing for my father's actions. She always did that shit, apologizing for him, and his dick-like behavior.
Shooting a glance over at Alice, I noticed she was giving me a sympathetic smile. I knew she understood exactly how I was feeling right now.
Taking a deep breath, I continued, "so I bought the lute, and I've written an authentic Renaissance piece to accompany my research. My professor told us to be creative in our final project ideas, but I'm fairly positive that I'm the only one who has taken this much initiative."
"Initiative," my father mumbled, shaking his head, "should be taking more initiative in subjects that actually matter."
Narrowing my eyes at my father, I gripped my fork firmly, the handle bending from the strain of my fingers against it. The rage boiled up inside of me and threatened to erupt like lava from a volcano. Because my sister has super human powers to predict the future, or at least we joke like she does, she interrupted my internal toxic thoughts by asking if she and I could be excused from the table; and before I knew it, she was dragging me by the arm out the door. Like I said, she's strong for being five foot nothin'.
Alice didn't stop pulling on my arm until we reached the large tire swing hanging from the oak tree at the side of the house. My mother never did have the heart to take it down. She said she wanted to save it for her grandbabies. The tire was large enough that it would still fit Alice and me in it quite comfortably. As kids, Alice and I would spend hours at a time playing games on this old tree. It was perfect for climbing and many summer days were spent pretending to be pirates, Robin Hood and Tom Sawyer.
I climbed into the middle of the tire, sitting on the edge and holding it still while Alice climbed in to sit opposite of me. Placing my feet on the ground, I pushed us forward so we began swinging slowly. She propped her legs up onto the tire next to my sides, letting me take full control of the speed we were swinging, just like when we were kids.
One thing I loved about Alice, although she liked to pry and often butted into my personal life, she always gave me time to just be in my own thoughts when I needed her to. She had a sixth sense about what I needed and when I needed it. I knew she sensed that I just needed to sit here with her for a while in silence, so she was giving me that time. Really, we didn't need to speak to have a conversation. It was a weird sibling bond we had.
"I just don't understand why he has to do that," I stated, as I continued to swing us back and forth, the movement calming me down. I think this why Alice brought me here, knowing that being on here would settle me down and help me to think more clearly. It always had when I was kid, so it shouldn't surprise me that it still had that effect on me.
"You know he loves you, he just wants what's best for you."
I guffawed bitterly at her words, "Yeah, right."
"I know it's hard to see it that way, Edward. But it's true."
"If he really wanted what was best for me, he'd realize that what's best for me is what makes me happy."
Alice nodded, "In a perfect world, yes. But this isn't a perfect world and dad isn't perfect."
"No fucking kidding," I mumbled, as I gripped tightly to the rope holding up the tire swing, practically giving myself rope burn. She rolled her eyes at me.
"Tell me about this girl," Alice prodded, after we had been sitting in silence for a good ten minutes or so.
"There's not much to tell," I evaded, looking away from Alice's face.
"There must be enough to tell if she's that much of a distraction," she stated, and I saw her giving me a pointed look out of the corner of my eye.
I sighed. "I don't really know her. I've only just met her."
"Okay and what else?"
I rolled my eyes. Alice's persistence shouldn't seem like that much of a shock to me.
"I had been seeing her around campus and I finally got up enough nerve to talk to her this past Friday, while I was running through a park not far from my apartment, and I ran into her."
"What is her name?"
"Bella."
"Beautiful name," Alice stated softly. I looked up at her and saw her studying my face intently.
"Alice, she's the most beautiful fucking girl I've ever laid eyes on. She's smart as hell, funny, and kept me on my toes during our entire conversation. She's sassy as hell and we even seem to like the majority of the same music. She plays the violin and wants to be a teacher. She's practically a fucking saint!"
"She sounds like an incredible girl."
"Incredible doesn't even describe it, there isn't even a word to accurately describe her..," I stated, trailing off.
"But?" Alice asked.
"But what?"
"There's clearly something else, it's written all over your face."
Letting out a heavy breath, I ran my fingers through my hair, tugging at the ends. I stopped the swing and looked off into the distance. "She's blind."
"So?" Alice asked, not even stopping to think about what I just said. You would have thought I told her Bella had blue eyes or something else that was completely common.
I looked her in the eyes, "What do you mean 'so'? I just told you Bella was blind. She's blind, Alice!"
"I know, you ass. I heard you the first time. What's the problem?"
"I don't know, and that's the problem!" I yelled, planting my feet on the ground while I rested my elbows on my knees and dragged my fingers through my hair roughly. "I don't fucking know! She's the most amazing fucking girl I've ever met in my entire life and I can't stop thinking about her, but I just can't get over the fact that she can't see!"
"Are you scared?"
I jerked my head up so I was still looking at her, my elbows still resting on my knees. "Scared?" I repeated.
"Yes, scared. Did you ever stop to think that might be the problem?" she asked, arching an eyebrow at me. "It's the fear of the unknown. You've never been exposed to someone who is visually impaired. I mean, you've never even really been exposed to anyone with a disability before! It's kind of understandable that it might make you nervous. How did you find out?"
I quickly explained about Bella's and my conversation in the park, Rosalie coming to pick up Bella and then when she slid her sunglasses up on top of her head and all the pieces fell into place.
"See? You were blindsided – no pun intended."
I rolled my eyes at her play on words, even if she said it was unintentional.
"What do you think you might be scared of?" she asked me softly.
I shook my head. "I don't know. Doing something wrong, or not knowing what to do in general, offending her, not being there for her the way she needs me to be," I rambled off a few of the insecurities I hadn't even realized I was feeling.
"Edward, those are all things that everyone entering into a possible relationship fears when you really like someone. Everyone has insecurities and is worried about fucking something up that could be potentially great. Sure, Bella is blind, but that doesn't define who she is. I don't know how long she's had the visual impairment, but judging by how you've described her, she seems to be doing just fine in life. She doesn't let her disability bother her, so you shouldn't let it bother you either.
I nodded my head, letting her know I was hearing what she was saying while letting the words sink in.
"Don't let your fears stop you from exploring something that could turn out to change the rest of your life."
"When did you get so damn wise?" I asked her, giving her a wide smile.
She shrugged, smiling widely. "I don't know, it must be a gift."
I rolled me eyes, but let out a quiet chuckle.
"Just listen to your heart, Edward." Alice stated, softly giving me a smile.
I nodded my head, and started swinging us back and forth once again.
~*~*~
As I put my car into park, I ran my fingers through my hair and glanced around. My eyes immediately scanned to the spot in the grass where I knew Bella would be sitting. I took a moment to watch her, and even from this distance I could tell how completely beautiful and radiant she was. The sun was shining brightly, its warmth hitting her deliciously creamy skin. Instantly, I was overcome with the need to touch her skin, to feel its softness. She was wearing a deep blue tank-top and a long beige skirt. The blue of her tank top complimented her skin and without thinking, that shade of blue became my new favorite color. Her fingers were in her hair, playing with the ends as she glanced around the park. Undoubtedly, she was looking for me. Her head turned in my direction, and my heart started beating erratically. Realistically, I knew she couldn't see me, but I knew she was attempting to lookfor me in her own way, to sense my presence. She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, frowning.
My heart clenched at the sight and the apparent sadness etched all over her face. Even though her eyes were hidden by her sunglasses, I knew the insecurity I would find in her beautiful cinnamon eyes. It killed me that I had placed it there, placed insecurity and doubt in the confident and beautiful woman I had met last week. All because of my selfish insecurities and self-doubt, that I wouldn't be good enough for her.
Alice's advice rang loud in my ears. "Don't let your fears stop you from exploring something that could turn out to change the rest of your life."
After my conversation with Alice yesterday, I knew without a doubt that I would come and meet Bella today.
Glancing at my watch, I realized that I was just about half an hour later then the time she had hinted she would be there. Taking a deep breath I opened the car door and bolted towards her, not wanting her to wait a second longer because of my dickish behavior.
I half walked-half ran to Bella. Why had I been so foolish? Why had I let my insecurities get the best of me? There was a beautiful girl waiting for me; waiting and wanting to get to know me. I couldn't – no I wouldn't – fuck this up.
Slowing my pace, I approached her from the side, not wanting to startle her with a hasty approach. Her hands rested in her lap, her legs folded up underneath her skirt and her head was angled down as if she were looking at her hands. Her iPod rested on the blanket in front of her, one ear bud dangled down near her hands in her lap while the other one was hidden beneath her long dark hair. Her delectable pink lips were curved downward into a frown. My body was suddenly overcome with the need to kiss her, to take that frown away. The need to make her smile was all consuming and I was having trouble breathing.
"I thought you weren't going to come," a soft voice stated, breaking me out of my thoughts. Bella was looking in my direction, the frown still prominent on her gorgeous features.
"I'm sorry. I..I uh…fuck," I stuttered out, running my fingers through my hair unable to come up with a legitimate excuse. A perfect eyebrow peaked up over the top of her sunglasses, expectantly waiting for me to explain further.
I took a deep breath, "May I sit down?" I asked her softly, not taking my eyes off of her. She nodded, and gestured to the space in front of her on the blanket.
"I'm so sorry, Bella. I don't have an excuse or even a good reason. I'm here now, and there is no where else in the world I'd rather be." I explained simply, hoping that it was good enough. I didn't know what else to say. I wasn't all that great with words, especially when it came to emotions.
She was quiet for a moment, and took her bottom lip in between her teeth. God, that was sexy. She was so sweet, innocent and completely captivating. I wanted nothing more than to be those two top teeth, and nip at the plump succulent bottom lip of hers. Ever so slowly, as if she could read my thoughts or see that I was practically drooling over her, she drew her lip out from under her teeth and gave me a small smile.
"Don't let it happen again." Her tone was teasing, but had a hint of warning to it that told me if I fucked up again, I wouldn't be getting off so easily.
Conversation began easily between Bella and me. I found it was easy to talk to her and I felt more comfortable with her then I had with any other girl from my past. It felt as though we discussed everything and nothing all at the same time. We touched on weather, classes, and what we hoped our future held. Bella asked me about my family. I told her all about Alice and my mother, Esme, but evaded all questions related to my father. I didn't want to bring down the lighthearted atmosphere by mentioning my father. She seemed to be fine with my avoidance on the topic and we quickly moved on to other things. It appeared she was doing some evading of her own when I mentioned her family as well. She spoke of her closeness with Rosalie and how long Emmett and she had been together but Bella seemed to steer clear of any mention of her parents. This had me extremely curious as to why this might be, but I didn't want to ask too many personal questions too soon.
Briefly, I looked down at my watch and noticed that three hours had gone by. We had pushed out the world and retreated into our own little bubble. The bubble was comfortable, and I liked being in there with her.
Reluctantly, I mentioned that it was probably time we start heading home. She agreed, stating she had finals to study for as well.
"Bella, could I give you a ride home?" I asked her tentatively, nervous at the possibility of her turning me down. It was silly, but the fear was there in the pit of my stomach nonetheless.
"I would love that." She nodded her head, smiling brightly.
I helped her pack up her belongings and put them into her messenger bag. I handed it to her and she slung it over her shoulder as she snapped her guiding cane open and tapped it against the grass.
I swallowed nervously and ran my fingers through my hair. I glanced around the park looking to see if anyone was staring at us. Before I even let my thoughts wander in a negative direction, I internally chastised myself for even giving a shit whether or not people were looking at us. I liked Bella. I wanted to get to know more about her and I wanted to spend more time with her. I supposed if people were staring, it'd be something I'd have to get used to. Then the idea of people staring didn't so much as bother me, but really fucking annoyed me. That people would be that fucking rude and stare at her. But of course, she's so damn gorgeous; people probably stared at her all the time just simply because of that fact.
I felt myself getting worked up as I continued my perusal of the park, and noticed that there were indeed two people several yards away, who were in fact staring at us. I felt annoyance and anger rise inside me at their blatant rudeness. I took two steps backward so I was standing next to Bella, and boldly took her hand in mine, lacing our fingers together. My stomach did a flip-flop as our skin made contact and she jumped slightly, probably startled and not expecting the intimate contact. However, she didn't pull away.
Her hand was small and soft in mine, and I rubbed my thumb against the inside of her palm. She shivered slightly, but still didn't pull away. I continued to glare across the park at the couple, who still hadn't stopped staring, but the soothing feeling of Bella's skin on mine was beginning to calm my agitation. Although initially, I had felt slightly insecure about the idea of people staring at us, the feeling was quickly overpowered by the need to protect her.
"C'mon," I whispered, "My car is this way."
She nodded her head, as I gently tugged on her arm, leading her in the direction of my car. We walked slowly, the only sounds coming from people around us and the tapping of her cane against the grass and then the pavement.
I wanted to tell her she didn't need to use that, I would guide her but I bit my tongue, not wanting to offend her. There was so much I wanted to ask her. So much I wanted to know about her.
I smiled down at her as we walked, and saw a small smile was present on her face as well. Her thumb was now rubbing small circles on my thumb, igniting my skin and sending tingles down my spine.
Opening the door as we reached the car, I helped her inside and tossed her belongings in the back. I quickly ran around the side of the car and hopped into the driver's seat.
"So where are we headed? I have a GPS."
As I buckled my seatbelt she told me her address and I typed it into the navigation system.
As we turned on to her street, my heart dropped into my stomach as I began to realize I didn't know when I would see her again. I wanted to see her tomorrow, and every day after that, for the rest of eternity. However, I knew it wasn't going to be possible until at least the weekend. Finals would be consuming me for the rest of this week.
An idea popped into my head, and I realized exactly when I could see her again. In an attempt to push out the bundle of nerves that had taken up residence in my stomach, I took a deep breath and exhaled sharply. Although I felt extremely comfortable with Bella, and in some ways I felt like I had known her forever, in other ways I was still just a nervous little shit, afraid to ask a girl on a date. I hadn't been on a date since… Since… A really fucking, long time.
I put the car into park, and turned to look at Bella. Her head was angled down, as if she were looking at her hands, folded neatly in her lap.
"Bella," I started softly, and her head turned in my direction, so I knew I had her attention. "I was wondering… Do you have any plans on Saturday?"
"Hm," she said, tapping her finger against her chin, "I'll have to check my schedule, but I don't think I have anything going on," she answered teasingly. I had to smile at her and roll my eyes at the same time. She was too fucking adorable for her own good.
"Next weekend Gallop Park is hosting The Ann Arbor Blues and Jazz Festival, and I was wondering if you might be interested in going?" I asked tentatively. "I have yet to go, but a few of my buddies in my music class have gone, and says the music and food are incredible."
"I would love to!" she answered, smiling brightly. "That sounds like a lot of fun."
"Excellent!" I exclaimed, my own excitement mirroring hers.
"Bella, could I maybe, have your phone number?" I asked, still for whatever reason, nervous.
"Of course, Edward," she answered, smiling.
She told me her number and I quickly entered it into my phone before hitting 'send' and her ring tone filled the small space of the car, effectively giving her my phone number as well. Since I wasn't sure how else to make sure she had my phone number.
"Would you like me to walk you to the door?" I asked, not taking my eyes off of her face.
"I'd really like that."
I quickly exited the car, going around to the other side and opened her door. I placed my hand in hers, helping her up out of the seat.
Keeping my hand in hers, because now that I'd touched her, I couldn't stop the uncontrollable need to constantly have some part of our skin touching, we turned and walked towards the door. She didn't open her cane, instead she trusted me to guide her. The obvious trust she had to put in me, after only knowing me for such a short period of time, suddenly overwhelmed me.
"I'll call you soon," I told her softly, rubbing the top of her hand with my thumb and studying her face, wishing so badly I could see those deep cinnamon pools she kept hidden beneath her sunglasses. I momentarily thought of removing the glasses from her face, but immediately decided against it. I somehow knew how intrusive that might feel to her. The last thing I wanted was to make her feel uncomfortable around me.
"Thank you for the ride home."
"It was my pleasure," I responded, reluctantly letting go of her hand, already yearning to touch her again. "Good night, Bella."
"Good night, Edward."
With that, she gave me one last smile before opening the door and heading into the house.
With a smile adorning my face, I practically skipped to my car, unable to recall a time when I actually felt this giddy over a girl. I felt somewhat gay, thinking the word giddy, but there was no other way to describe it, and it felt fucking great!
~*~*~
Three hours later I was staring at my textbooks and notes, attempting to study but it was fruitless because thoughts of Bella filled my brain. I was beginning to sense a pattern here. Since meeting Bella, I had been highly neglectful of my studies. Thank the lord that after this week, I had three months of freedom before it started all over again. Hopefully by then, I would be able to concentrate on other things besides her gorgeous face.
I was doubtful.
Abruptly, my phone began ringing and I wondered who the hell was calling me right now. Bella's name flashed on the screen, causing an involuntary smile to creep up on my face.
"Hello, beautiful," I crooned into the phone, smiling brightly. It was incredible how just hearing her sweet voice could brighten my mood so exponentially. I had seen her just three hours ago, but I couldn't get enough of her.
"Hi, Edward," she stated so quietly I could barely hear her.
"Bella? What's the matter? You sound upset," I rambled out quickly. Instantly, I began to fear the worst, that she was hurt. I could feel my blood pressure rise as I stood up and began pacing around my bedroom. Something definitely wasn't right. Her voice was quiet, raspy and didn't have the exuberance it had just several hours earlier.
"Nothing, Edward," she said, clearing her throat, before continuing. "Um, listen, I just needed to talk to you really fast."
"Okay..," I stated, hesitantly. "What is it?" My heart was pounding in my chest, nervous for what was wrong with her.
"Um, well, I, uh," she hesitated for a moment, her voice thick and raspy with emotion. I heard her take a deep breath, "I can't go out with you on Saturday."
A/N: *hides behind couch* Please don't throw things at me.
There are 80+ people who have put this little fic of mine on their alerts. It makes me so shocked and I'm just so grateful for each and every one of you. Thank you so much. Thank you to those that consistently review. I love hearing what you have to say! If I haven't heard from you yet, please come out of lurkdome and say hello!! =)
I want to rec a fic – Picture Windows by nerac. Caren is fricken awesome and spoils me rotten with teasers and letting me pre-read her latest update. This fic is amazing, pulls at the heart-strings and her Edward is so unbelievably adorable you just want to say "Aww" and hug him and kiss him. So If you aren't reading it.. GO READ it NOW! =)
