Chapter 6: Crossroads

Friday 5 p.m.

Four months after.F.B.

It is said that sometimes one's mind can shut down so much that one will lose complete track of time. Too distracted by everything to be able to form a coherent thought. Right now Yang was looking like a case study on that subject. She had no idea how long she was standing in front of a projection screen with lists of names, but she sure as dust did not manage to read a single one of them. It was getting dark outside, and the blonde was still in the entrance hallway of the hospital, her attempt to talk with the townsfolk halted as Yang found a console which listed the names of people lost at Patch. There were lists for missing people too, but Yang was also frozen up by even the prospect of seeing a name she recognized among the dead to start reading them.

"Found someone you knew, I wager."

It took Yang a moment to register Fox standing right next to her. He was barely a foot away, white eyes adjusted in the same direction Yang was looking.

"Heard about your dad. My condolences that can't be easy."

Yang only managed a weak nod, oblivious to Fox not being able to see the gesture.

"Listen, those lists … they're not final. Not by a long shot. It's just what Shades was able to scrape together from the people here. There were other transports and battalions getting people out. So some of the missing folks might have made it out."

Silence fell between the two of them. It was obvious that Fox was not a great talker in such matters and so he just stood there, offering to listen if he was needed.

"Shades … I heard that name before in Patch. Who is he?"

Fox's head turned around for a second before he answered.

"Ah, of course. You wouldn't know. Actually, Shade's a she. It's Coco's name these days."

"What, like a code sign?"

"No … it's something different."

Fox turned his head towards the screen again, but Yang could tell that if he could have been able to see he would look right through it.

"After Beacon … after things started to go to shit … we all knew picking up arms against people instead of Grimm, going to war … that would change us. You couldn't be yourself when pointing a gun at a human or faunus. You shouldn't be yourself. So … we stopped being ourselves. We gathered everything we were, everything we wanted to be someday, we grabbed it and buried it deep inside of us, hoping that we could dig it up again after we're done with all of this. None of us have been ourselves for a long time. Sometimes … sometimes it comes through again, but those moments are scarce. You got a little taste of the old Coco the other day, or so I heard. The lists here are another example of that."

Yang looked at Fox curiously.

"How do you mean?"

"After … venting yesterday, Shades came in and spoke to everyone we got out of Patch. She visited every single patient, talked with them, wrote down what they knew about others, went back to tell other patients when she got new information about their loved ones. She spent the whole night here. Said it was her job as commanding officer. It really wasn't though. She always was like this, taking responsibility for everyone in the team and under her protection. Even when a recruit died or got hurt, she took her time to tell his folks personally. It's one of the last remnants of the old Coco. It will break her if this goes on."

Fox looked sad and dark after that and Yang was surprised by the sudden shift in tone. Fox did not seem to be really okay with what he just told her, but Yang figured now was not the time to press.

"So how are you holding up, Fox? Yatsu …"

Fox didn't let her finish the sentence. "I'm fine, we all knew a day like this might come. We signed up as hunters, none of us expected to live a long life. But I take solace in the fact that he died like he always wanted, protecting others. Gadget's got it rough though. That's Velvet by the way. It will take a while to get her back on her feet. If she'll even get back up, not sure. I am on my way back to her, keeping her company. Guess you could call that a way of coping. Unlike Shades, I can't bury myself in work to keep me from mourning. So what about you? Yesterday you looked lost, and I can't imagine Shades ripping you a new one helped much in figuring out what to do."

"Actually … she offered me to stay here. Enlist, getting back on my feet. Said I could do a lot of good for the soldiers even if I were not to fight."

Fox turned to her, nodding. "She's not wrong. She almost never is with things like that. You are trained, and you know better than most of us what it is like on each side of the spectrum. You're taking the offer?"

Yang dropped her gaze to the ground. "I … don't know. I was just starting to get my confidence back, and I am a shadow of what I was. I am not sure I can overcome everything … plus the military is quite the opposite of what I wanted to do with my life. I always went with the flow, go on adventures, live the life but now … what good is all of that if … if … when you're all alone."

Fox rested his hand on her shoulder and drew a bit closer, his tone convincing. "I can't decide for you, but I can guarantee you one thing: around here, you're never alone. And where the not believing in yourself is concerned: I wasn't sure if I could continue to be a hunter after I lost my sight, Gadget … Velvet at the time I guess … was afraid of her own shadow and would have stayed the entire initiation at Beacon curled up on a tree if it would have been up to her, and Yatsu flat out refused to spar for months in fear of hurting someone. That all didn't matter. Coco said we could do it, so we did it. Worked so far, so I guess she knows what she's doing. She said you'll do it, so you'll do it. Easy as that."

He offered her a small smile and then turned to walk into the hospital. Yang looked at him for a moment before returning the smile.

"Fox … thank you."

"Don't worry about it. But Yang, one thing," he looked over his shoulder for a second, "it's Sly. Fox is long gone."

With that, he turned around a corner and left Yang alone again with her thoughts. She was feeling better about the idea of joining during the talk with Fox, or Sly for that matter, but with the last sentence, her doubts were coming back again.

He made it sound like they lost themselves because of the war. At least for now, I guess. Buried what they were, what does that even mean? I don't know if I can do that. Give up everything that I am, what I have.

Yang turned towards the console and pushed a few buttons. The list of the confirmed deceased on Patch showed up. It was not as long as the missing person list, but it was still way too long. Her father was on the list, of course, but there were several other names she recognized as well, among them Miss Gramforth.

Then again … what do I have left to give up?

Yang raised her stump and looked at it for a while, before making a fist with her left hand and leaving the hospital. She made her decision.